A/N: Slight AU in which more time elapses from the first incident at Trost and the 57th Recon Mission.

I do not own Attack on Titan or any of the characters. All rights belong to Hajime Isayama.

They all understood it, or at least the concept of it. It was one of many uncomfortable things forced down their throats during training, taking even some of the hardiest of trainees by surprise with the superior's candor. The fact of the matter was that soldiers lead stressful lives. They saw and did (or often had to do) things that normal people could not even imagine. They witnessed friends die, came close to death themselves, saw more blood shed sometimes in a single day than others would see in an entire lifetime. They left on missions never knowing how many of their friends would be coming back or even if they would be coming back alive. And they would do it all again, day after day, for the sake of the human race. This took a heavy toll, and that meant that soldiers needed a way to release that stress, no matter how unorthodox it might be.

In training, the superiors had been blunt, not that the cadets expected anything less, and when the topic was first broached, every face in the room went bright red with the exception of the superiors giving the lecture.

"It is nothing to be ashamed about," the medical officer went on. She was the female counterpart who worked alongside the doctor who taught them what they knew about titans. "In the heat of battle, or any encounter, your blood will be up. You'll see things you will want to unsee. It's only natural to seek solace in the arms of someone else or to want to comfort those close to you."

Slumping down in his seat, Eren Jaeger swallowed thickly, feeling his ears burning just as brightly as his face. He never thought about such things – his focus was on killing titans – all of them. Why did he have to sit here and listen to this? When he risked looking around the room, moving only his eyes so as to be discreet, he was more than a little relieved to see that everyone else looked just as uncomfortable as he did. No one would look at each other – their eyes either on their hands on their desks, or staring straight ahead at the medical officer as she paced back and forth in front of the room. To say the room was tense would be an understatement.

"There are no rules against this," the officer went on. "While it is not necessarily encouraged," she paused, looking at each of them sternly in turn, "it is not forbidden. However, there are some things you have to consider if you choose to do this."

'Is this really happening? Sex Ed? Please, kill me now,' Eren groaned in his head, scarcely suppressing an eye roll.

"Ladies," the medical officer barked, making every female in the room jump nervously. Eren couldn't help the small internal chuckle at seeing even the unflappable Mikasa Ackermann jerk nervously out of the corner of his eye. 'So something can make even her uneasy.' "While this responsibility should not fall solely on you, unfortunately it often does, and it would affect you the most. Now," she continued on. Eren tuned her out, having an idea where this was going thanks to his father's medical background.

Minutes passed that felt like hours and Eren found himself doodling with his finger on the desk in front of him. What did sex have to do with killing titans? He had faith in the training they were receiving, deep down he did, but this was nearly unbearable. He found his hands clenching into fists when the medical officer finally cleared her throat. "Now for the rest of you!" The entire class sat up straight once more, Eren included. "I don't want any of you to take any of this lightly," she cautioned. "And I'm not just talking about what we've discussed today. There is no shame in the feelings that come after your first meeting with a titan and nothing can truly prepare you for it." She leveled each of them with her eyes once more and Eren felt himself shrivel beneath her steely gaze. While she had said nothing of the sort, she had clearly seen her fair share of titans and felt her share of loss.

"Nothing we say can prepare you for the emotions you will feel after your first encounter with the loss of a friend or loved one," her voice was serious and low, her eyes meeting the long gazes of a few select cadets, her eyes much softer. "So take solace where you can in your friends and in each other. Trust each other. You will need each other more than you will ever know." Eren felt like her eyes were burning into him but he refused to look away. "Find healthy ways to distract your mind, things that bring you peace and make you happy." She smiled as she said this, light entering her eyes that was rarely seen anymore. "That is how you can truly survive this."

Commandant Chavez stepped forward from his position leaning against the wall then, while the medical officer stepped back, her cheeks peppered with pink, but the soft smile still on her face. "Any questions?" he gruffly asked.

The cadets were dumbfounded; several had their mouths hanging open. Maybe if the medical officer had asked, someone might have had the nerve to ask a question, but as it was, they simply sat in numb silence. "Do not take this talk as an excuse to fornicate!" he shouted, again causing the entire class to jump and turn beet red. "Now back to your bunks!"

"What the hell was that all about?" Eren grumbled once he, Armin, and Mikasa were headed back to the dorms. The other cadets were similarly quiet.

"It was very informative," Armin answered, his eyes distant.

Eren looked at him, stunned, and turned to Mikasa as though expecting help from her. She quickly averted her eyes, pulling her scarf up to cover her mouth. 'Well, damn,' he cursed inwardly.

That day felt like years ago. And it was. Eren had scarcely given it a second thought except for the rare occasion he'd hear some of the guys talking about this or that, or seen a couple sneaking off into the darkness. He supposed what the medical officer had said was true. There had always been a certain sense of elation that came from successfully completing a particularly difficult or dangerous exercise (especially the dangerous ones, although Mikasa would kill him for admitting it). At other times, he could see the appeal of drowning the sights and sounds of most of their days with titans from their minds with much nicer, more pleasant things. It was nearly impossible to find a single scout that didn't occasionally have a blank, far off look on their face from time to time – that look that made them look dead inside as they relived some horror from their past. Many scouts suffered from nightmares or insomnia, none of which was a surprise. He supposed he was lucky – in truth, he had less time in the field than the others and when he was in titan form, he remembered nothing but a crimson fog of violent rage. But that wasn't what he had wanted. He had wanted to be there, fighting alongside his fellow recruits, and able to join them in both their victories and their sorrows. Now, after Trost, more than one person had looked at him like he was a monster that would tear them apart as soon as look at them. Once Armin quietly told him some of what he had said when waking up after being a titan, he honestly couldn't blame them.

Regardless, he never really had time to think about it. From the day of their first encounter with the titans as cadets at Trost, the day his titan ability had been awakened, his life had been immediately put in danger. And as Commander Erwin pointed out, the threat was not from titans alone. Even after he sealed up the hole in the gate, more people wanted him dead than alive. On top of that, he was dealing with the life-shattering realization that he could transform into a titan in the first place – and a titan that didn't necessarily have control if the gash on Mikasa's face meant anything. That fact scared him more than anything.

That night, memories of what he had seen that day came crashing down on him – flashes of the broken bodies of his squad, the corpses in the titan that had swallowed him, the look on the faces of those he had trusted and who had trusted him as they died following him. He imagined what he must have done in his attempt to kill Mikasa – Mikasa, who was one of his closest friends. It all left him feeling broken and empty.

It was like reliving the loss of his mother all over again; perhaps even worse, because now he was one of the things he hated the most, and this time Mikasa wasn't there to soothe his shattered soul. No matter how he tried to fight it, she was the one who could calm him when no one else could, even if she did have to resort to harsh words and occasionally actions in order to do so. He had saved her that fateful night when they were 9 years old, bringing them together in a way that only blood could, and she had since become a permanent fixture in his life – a permanent, deeply rooted, unfaltering, aggravating, infuriating, soothing fixture. Once the shock of what happened to her and her parents had slowly worn away, she had vowed to become strong, and they had grown together. When his own world had been shattered after witnessing his mother being eaten before his eyes, creating the deep-rooted seething hatred and burning desire for vengeance that brought them to their current position, she had immediately vowed to follow him, refusing any and all of his attempts to sway her otherwise. So follow him she had. In fact she surpassed him…

It was in that moment that he lay, quiet and broken in the dungeon, his arms shackled to the bed, that he grudgingly realized how much she meant to him, how much he needed her despite his adamant declarations to the contrary. But he saw that need as a weakness and a distraction rather than a benefit and as he faced his inner demons alone in the cell, he vowed to lock that up inside of himself.

And lock it up he did, lashing out at her with harsh words (even more so than before) when he felt smothered, seeing her overprotectiveness as a result of his weakness. After his titan's loss of control at Trost, only Erwin's plans for him and Levi's courtroom beating had saved him from sure execution, earning him a spot on the Scout Special Operation (or the Levi) Squad. He lived under lock and key, under constant supervision by Captain Levi at the old former Squad Regiment Command Center. Life returned to what semblance of normalcy being relinquished to the custody of the Levi Squad could allow.

He supposed it could have been worse. Several of his comrades from the Cadet Corps joined him there not long after, including Mikasa and Armin. Hanji helped him come to understand his abilities to some degree and he felt like he was garnering at least some control over it, even though she also used him as a guinea pig as often as she could in exchange. Armin continued to prove his strategic value to the higher ups in command – his way with words and his ability to gather intelligence, read the situation, and come up with plans as well as alternatives quickly made him an even more valuable asset. Mikasa was already considered to be worth more than 100 soldiers.

They were well on their way to organizing the next offensive outside of Wall Rose, moving toward Wall Maria and most importantly, Shiganshina. But still, their lives were permanently hanging in the balance. Eren's "freedom" could be revoked at any time and the relative safety of the castle was just that – relative. This meant there was no time for distractions, no time to relax or let up. They had to continue training, had to continue trying to get stronger and better, and had to always be prepared.

So when the new recruits were in the yard exercising one morning and Eren saw Jean leering at Mikasa, his eyes narrowed dangerously. Anger flooded through him like a hot fire so quickly he leapt to his feet and took a step forward before he even knew what he was doing. "What do you think you're doing, Horse Face?!" he suddenly shouted across the training yard.

As always, Mikasa turned at the sound of Eren's voice. She was running laps, her jacket and ODM gear off to allow for ease of movement. Despite the slight chill, her sleeves were rolled up, the sun shining in her jet-black hair. Jean was doing pull ups on the bar not far from her, sweat glistening on his face while Eren had been doing push ups with Reiner, Bertholdt, and Conny across the yard. Upon seeing Jean's eyes on Mikasa, he had jumped to his feet. The others had quickly followed, wisely sensing trouble. If they hadn't already spent months with the more seasoned scouts, Eren would have been surrounded by blades at such a sudden outburst. Now they hardly flinched.

"It's none of your business, you suicidal maniac!" Jean shouted back, dropping from the bar with ease.

Mikasa slowed her pace to a trot, eying the two hot heads carefully before coming to a stop. Jean and Eren fought often, many times over nothing in particular. She shouldn't have been surprised when it didn't stop once they were out of the cadet corps. But the way Eren had his shoulders hunched told her this time was different. His eyes flashed in rage that she couldn't even begin to understand. She would have been shocked to know that he didn't either.

"Don't look at her like that!" Eren suddenly blurted, his mouth falling open in shock at his own words.

The entire yard grew still, mouths falling open, eyes growing wide. All eyes were on Eren and Jean, switching rapidly between the two before searching out whom Eren could be talking about. It didn't take long for anyone to figure it out, their eyes quickly turning to Mikasa, who took a surprised step back with an uncharacteristic gasp. "E-Eren?" she breathed, her voice muffled by the crimson scarf she always wore.

Jean took several threatening steps forward. He was taller and heavier than Eren, but Eren was fiercer and had proved it on more than one occasion. "What's it matter to you, how I look at her?" he snarled, his voice low and dangerous so that only the two of them could hear.

Eren was caught. He had no reason to say anything. Mikasa was his friend, his closest and best friend next to Armin, but that was it. Did that mean he wanted someone like Jean pawing all over her or even thinking about pawing all over her? Absolutely not! But did that give him a right to say anything? No. Sometimes he found it hard to remember Mikasa even was a girl, she was so much of a deadly weapon in his eyes and only rarely did she let that visage slip and show her more feminine self. Even so, he knew that only happened around him.

He could feel her eyes on him and his ears grew hot. 'Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!' He wanted to look at her, figure out from her expression what he should say, but the whole topic of conversation made that impossible. 'How did this even happen? What the hell was I thinking?'

"You going to answer me?" Jean threatened, stepping closer. His hands were clenching into fists.

Immediately dropping into a defensive crouch, Eren's own fists clenched tighter. He could take Jean and he knew it. He also knew that Jean knew. "Mikasa isn't interested in you," he finally answered, keeping his voice low so only Jean could hear. "Leave her alone."

Jean laughed, the sound harsh and short. "Why? You think she's interested in you?"

The idea struck him as so odd, so sudden, that Eren's mouth fell open. 'What? Why would she be interested in me?' Jean used Eren's surprise to his advantage and pounced, catching Eren with a surprise fist in the face. He hit him full force in the chin, rocking Eren back on his heels and nearly knocking him off of his feet. But the smaller man was used to taking a beating, and he merely took a step back to regain his balance before retaliating. He lunged forward off of his front leg, ducking low for a body blow that bent Jean over. With his other hand, Eren continued Jean's own forward momentum, throwing his head and shoulders forward while kicking his legs out from under him. The larger boy was forcibly thrown forward, flipping over and landing hard on his shoulders and back with a grunt, nearly kneeing himself in the face. It was very similar to how Eren had taken him out in the mess hall during training, one of Annie's moves. Back then, Eren would have left it at that, walking away while Jean glared up at him through his legs, but not today. His lips pulled back in a tight grimace, Eren shoved his legs out of the way and reached down, grabbing Jean's shirt in one fist and leaning forward with the other pulled back as though he meant to pummel him. "Don't be ridiculous!" he hissed.

"Eren!" Mikasa cried shortly.

Eren didn't so much as flinch, but he also didn't let Jean go. Beneath him, Jean was breathing heavily but also couldn't let up. Not when Eren had started it and not where Mikasa was concerned. It wasn't in his nature any more than it was in Eren's. He smiled at Eren's lack of control, the way the titan transformer's teal eyes flared. "That mean you're interested then?"

"Shut up!" Eren bellowed, his fist flying and connecting with the ground beside Jean's head. He was afraid of killing him if he hit him. Jean's flinch satisfied his thirst for violence, some. "Just leave her alone!" he threatened once more, before shoving Jean back to the ground with such force he grunted as the wind rushed from his lungs and left him gasping for air.

His hands shaking with rage, Eren stepped over his beaten comrade and made his way from the training yard as quickly as he could, disappearing into the small cluster of trees inside the castle walls. Not only did he not want Levi to see what had just occurred (although he was sure the captain would find out one way or another), he didn't want to deal with the resounding questions that were sure to follow. He had enough to deal with trying to sort out what Jean was trying to say. 'Mikasa? Interested in me? Me? Interested in Mikasa? Is he nuts?!' His thoughts were in turmoil. He knew he wasn't good at reading people. He never had much use for it and never cared much to try. But sometimes it infuriated him how easily Armin picked up on things he completely missed, or how easily Mikasa could read a room full of people and somehow understand their feelings, even if she rarely showed them herself. He saw the others finding comfort in each other, sometimes physically, but he just wasn't interested. He didn't need comfort when he desired vengeance. He could relax when all the titans were dead. He didn't understand any of it.

The more he brooded, the more lost in thought he became. 'Why did I fly off the handle like that?' Normally his reasons for anger didn't bother him – he had a short fuse and he always had, he'd come to terms with it long ago and those closest to him had come to accept it as a part of him. But this rage had been different, and he looked at the back of his bruised and bleeding knuckles that were already steaming as they healed. 'Is this anger from my titan ability?'

"Eren." It was Mikasa's voice and he flinched.

"What do you want?" he snapped without looking at her.

"Are you all right?"

He sighed at the softness in her voice. She was concerned, even he could sense that, but that was what she always was – concerned – about him. It could be so damn annoying! But why, of all times, did she have to follow him when he was still so confused? He couldn't answer himself let alone her. "I'm fine," he answered shortly, finally coming to stop next to a large tree. He rested his fist against it, still not looking at her. Blood trickled down his forearm but he ignored it.

Mikasa approached slowly but cautiously. She stood beside him without looking at him directly; treating him like a wild animal, which many of their fellow recruits would agree was how he acted. Levi and Hanji had managed to tame him some, but you never could take the wild out of the beast and this was a technique that had worked well for her over the years. "You don't seem fine," she pointed out, looking at him out of the corner of her eye. She was playing with her scarf again. She did that a lot.

Eren sucked in a deep breath, enjoying the musty scent of the trees and the crisp fresh air they were blessed with this far out from the city. Growing up in Shiganshina had sometimes felt cramped, but then struggling as a refugee inside Wall Rose and Trost had been worse. He had never had much of an opportunity to experience fresh air such as this. Even when they took to the trees as cadets it had been different – they were too focused on training to really enjoy themselves. But now that they were a part of the scouts, they spent more time outside of these small outlying districts and more time in the wild lands that still existed behind Wall Rose. This meant they were that much closer to reclaiming the wall and taking back what was lost!

His thoughts had gotten away from him again and he sighed. "Nah," he shrugged, gently hitting the side of his fist against the trunk of the tree as he attempted to force his mind to stay on track. "I guess I'm just restless." He finally looked at her with a half-smile, shrugging his shoulders as though the recent lack of action was a perfect excuse for his recent indiscretion.

Finally looking at him now that he had turned to her, Mikasa pulled the scarf up to cover her mouth. The wind blew her hair gently back from her face, exposing the scar present on her right cheek, the ever-present reminder of the time Eren lost control and nearly killed her. Every time he saw it a sharp pain hit him in the gut and he had to look away, the guilt almost too much to bear. This time, he forced himself to look at it, his brow furrowing into a scowl as he looked at the small linear line marring her otherwise flawless complexion. 'W-Why did I have a thought like that?' He startled, pulling his eyes from her face and stuffing his hands in his pockets. He could feel his cheeks growing warm, feeling like he had been looking at her too long, and prayed she couldn't see it.

"It has been quiet recently," Mikasa agreed, her own eyes narrowing as she scrutinized his expression. "It makes everyone restless."

"Some more than others," he offered, partially as a joke.

"Eren," Mikasa murmured, gripping his arm softly to get his attention.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Eren was aware of how small Mikasa's hands were as she gripped him. She was strong, stronger than most, but her hands were small and even surprisingly soft despite the callouses from wielding her blades. Her hair, which she had cut after he harshly suggested it all those years ago, just brushed the tops of her shoulders. Her eyes, which were just one of the features that set her apart, were more angled than the others, the irises a deep gray that was nearly black and yet blue at the same time. She had a way of seeing into him, like she could see his soul just by looking at him. While sometimes he found this extremely comforting, sometimes he found it unnerving as well. This was one of those times. 'Uh,' his brain struggled to function as he looked at her. "What do you want, Mikasa?" he asked, his voice slightly harsh.

She shifted, squeezing his arm more firmly for a moment and sliding her hands further up onto his bicep. "I wanted to say thank you."

"Thank me for what? I would think out of everyone, you would be the last person to need someone to defend your honor."

Mikasa looked up at him with wide eyes that were filled with surprise and perhaps a little sadness. She pursed her lips before she looked down. "Maybe," she admitted, "But I still appreciate the gesture."

'Gesture? What gesture?' Confused, Eren pulled his arm from her grasp, not unkindly, but quickly. Whatever Jean was talking about wasn't going to happen. It couldn't. Until it did.