IMPORTANT NOTES: This fic is a kind of a possible ending to a certain Johnny Bravo episode where Johnny mistakes the medical report for Carl's dying plant to mean that Carl himself is dying. Johnny promises Carl (seeing as how Johnny had previously been so mean to him for the past two decades) to do anything to make his last day on earth a happy one. Carl, of course, takes full advantage of this by forcing Johnny to basically do a lot of annoying buddy-type stuff with him. However, Johnny finally finds out from Pops that the medical report was for Carl's plant, at which point an enraged Johnny chases Carl down the street, and that is where the episode leaves off. Anime/yaoi fans know the implications of where such a situation could go, which is kind of why I got the weird idea in my head to write this fic. (Also, the animators plant plenty of subtle (though some blatantly obvious) hints throughout the series that Carl has a "thing" for Johnny) At least, that's what I think (what else is a person supposed to think considering Carl actually POUNCED on Johnny in one episode???) I also kind of got the idea of the premise for this fic from a Vampire Hunter D fic I read somewhere, so I hope whoever wrote it isn't mad that I semi-borrowed a little from the idea. THANKS, and please R&R~! ^_^
"THIS WON'T END WELL"
By: Kwee
While Pops took Carl's recently revived flytrap back to the diner to feed it more of his infamous wayside cuisine, Carl had managed to elude Johnny's rage for nearly four city blocks. Not bad for an out-of-shape computer nerd. However, a wrong turn into an alley spelled an end to Carl's streak of luck. Fearing yet another painful pummeling, Carl tried to play on Johnny's lack of a love life, and the resulting male biological need.
Carl threw up his hands defensively as Johnny closed in on him. "Johnny, wait!"
"It's too late fer talkin' NOW, ya little weed! Just shut up so's I can put the hurtin' on ya!"
"Just listen, Johnny: Before you do anything drastic…" He paused, trying to find the right words. "Er…What if I could…give you something you need?"
Johnny perked up. "Like 'Clam League 9000' toys?"
Carl sighed. "Uh…No, Johnny. What I mean is…um…" His face turned beet red, and he twiddled his thumbs nervously. "Well, what is it that every man needs?"
Johnny raised his hand and spoke matter-of-factly. "Fancy cheeses!"
Carl was exasperated. "No, Johnny…Look…" He tried to think of a way to put it without being too frank. It was easy for Carl to talk about things like insect mating. It was humans that were a bit more difficult. "Johnny, didn't your mother ever talk to you about the 'birds and the bees'?"
Johnny took a moment to think. "You mean that stuff about where babies come from? Mama told me a stork found me on the back of a cabbage truck, and...."
"Johnny, don't you remember what they taught us in middle school health class?"
"Um…I don't remember much about school. You see, I got kicked in the head once real hard at a pony farm, and…"
"Nevermind, Johnny." Carl sighed. "Let's try this another way. Why is it that you chase after women? What is it that you…WANT from them?"
"Uh…for them to hang on me, and tell me I'm pretty?"
Carl rested his forehead against the wall. This was getting quite tiresome. "Well, what about AFTER that?"
Johnny regarded Carl with a very blank look, then added, "Um, I like pie!"
Carl put his head in his hands and muttered to himself. "If he didn't mean that literally, we'd almost be going in the right direction…"
"…Especially the kind with pecans, and lots of corn syrup! Mmm…syrupy!"
Carl interrupted Johnny's psychobabble. "Johnny, have you ever heard of a 'sexual favor'?" He made little quote mark motions in the air while he spoke.
"Uh…isn't that something you pay the government for food stamps?"
"WHAT?!? Um, NOOO…" Carl heaved one last sigh. "Nevermind…" He got up and patted Johnny on the shoulder before turning to leave. "Have a nice life. And don't waste your strength, I'll beat myself up later." He gave a little wave over his shoulder as he shuffled off into the distance, leaving a confused Johnny behind to wonder.
Johnny just stood there for a moment, then grumbled, "Man, I hate political talk!" and shuffled on back home. "I wonder if mama made wiener loaf tonight…?"