Park Jimin's was always busy. Between rehearsals, fansigns, concerts and TV shows, he almost didn't have time for himself. Yet he didn't complain : he enjoyed his life. Spending his time singing and dancing was what he had always dreamed of. Moreover, he had the opportunity to do concerts in other countries that he would never have thought being able to set foot there one day. Meeting fans, being able to talk to them, reading their messages on social networks... yes, he really really liked it. Yet, lately, he was lost. Completely lost.
He was lucky to get along quite nicely with the other six members of the band. Surrounded by his friends, he actually felt really lucky. He often thought of those other bands who cound only get along in front of the cameras, and who criticized themselves as soon as they could. For BTS, it wasn't the case. Of course, there were some arguments, which is normal because who doesn't argue with his friends ? Despite some misunderstandings, they succeeded in discussing, agreeing, apologizing and everything was okay Jimin felt like he had a family. His family (parents, brother and grandparents) was far from him, in Busan precisely, and even if they talked by phone or Skype, he missed her. Then, this emptiness was filled by the presence of his close friends. Yet, lately, he felt alone. Completely alone.
Their repackaged album « You Never Walk Alone » was just released out and already was a great success. The views of their last MV, « Not Today » and « Spring Day » continued to rise, already breaking records. Their success was impressive, indisputable and absolutely deserved. Yet, Jimin didn't know where he was anymore.
With the release of their album and new mv, the band spent its time at the dance studio to review the choreographies. Added to this the fact that their world tour began, it was necessary to intensify their efforts not to disappoint the fans who impatiently waited to see their favorite band. Yet, a member stood out from the others because of his great determination and his lack of conversation.
The Gaon ceremony took place on 22nd February. It also was the day of the graduation ceremony of Seokjin, the eldest of the group. He brilliantly passed his exams and yet, he was unable to go to his university to get his deserved diploma because of the Gaon. Even if he he tried to keep his feelings to himself, the other members knew how much it affected him not to be there, so they decided to hold a mini ceremony, just the seven of them – and their fans through V Live – and Seokjin was really touched by this kindness.
Right after this little live, they went to the Gaon Charts. Their choreographer, Son Sung Deuk, was sitting at their table. Taehyung sat at the far left, then Seokjin, Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok and Jungkook. Jimin was seated on the right, in front of Jungkook. Once their choreographer had won the award, he left the ceremony due to a last minute emergency. Jimin had advanced his chair, thus moving him a little away from the group. And this didn't escape the eye of the fans. Indeed, on social networks we could see photos or screenshots showing the members of the group close to each other, and then there is Jimin who seemed retiring. At the awards ceremony, Jimin was smiling, and yet, he didn't really want to. His bags under his eyes were apparent, and at the time of their performance, many fans had noticed that his voice wasn't as usual and wasn't that good – and it never happened to Jimin, his voice was always perfect - and how he seemed exhausted.
Obviously, seeing their idol like this worried them. Scared tweets and status poured in the Web and the fans wanted at all costs BTS to rest.
Once the Gaon were finished, the BTS immediately came back to their dormitory. Headphones in his ears, Jimin didn't pay attention to the members' conversation and watched the illuminated Seoul at night. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even hear the driver wishing them a good night and he entered the dormitory like a robot. Without a word, he went to the room he shared with Hoseok and Taehyung and he lay down on his bed. He knew very well that all members would fight to go to the shower first, so he preferred waiting patiently in the room and to go last.
He was dozing when he vaguely heard Hoseok and Taehyung enter the room : « Shhh Tae, I think Jimin is sleeping ! »
Then Jimin deeply closed his eyes and waited for the two to go to bed, which quickly did.
He heard Hoseok wishing a good night and a few minutes later, Jimin heard soft snoring – it was Taehyung's. He opened an eye an saw the younger who was already sleeping and Hoseok was on his phone. He had to go to the shower now otherwise he would fall asleep like that. He stood up and made no noise but he heard Hoseok whispering to him : « Where are you going Jimin ? To the bathroom ? » The young man, who recently died his hair pink, murmured « Hm » and he left the room.
He straightaway went to the bathroom, not wanting to meet one of his friends. He relished his shower, the warm water rolling on his skin was very relaxing. This shower brings him a great feeling of well-being and he stayed there for 15 minutes. Once he was washed and dried, he put on his pajamas, brushed his teeth and his hair, and went out of the bathroom. He saw all the dormitory's lights turned-off so he deduced that everyone was sleeping. He sighed and returned to the room where Hoseok was now sound asleep. He looked at Hoseok and Taehyung for a long time and lay down to finally fall asleep.
« Everybody wake up ! We must leave in one hour, hurry up because we can't arrive late ! »
Namjoon's voice echoed throughout the dormitory. Today, they had to go to Mcountdown. The members woke up and headed for the kitchen to have a quick breakfast and then get ready. They all chatted happily, wondering if they rehearsed enough to show the fans a good first performance of their new songs. Nevertheless, only one person remained silent and gazed at his cup of hot chocolate : Jimin. He didn't see the glances his friends gave him, he didn't see the leader pointing at him, he didn't see their worried looks, he saw nothing and he heard without listening.
An hour later, they were all ready. Their manager had arrived and it was time to leave.
Once they arrived, everything went very quickly : the make-up artists, hairdressers and stylists took care of them and it was time to rehearse.
BTS was the last group to perform at Mcountdown and they waited patiently for their turn. That day, they were nominated against Red Velvet and the competition was tough : no one could announce in advance which group would win because both groups were very successful. The seven members watched the different groups and didn't see the time pass. It was when everybody was busy around them that they realized it was their turn to perform.
The performances of Not Today and Spring Day were very successful. The fanchants were powerful and they were really touched by their fans who were always there for them. It had been three and a half years since they had debuted, and it was always nice to hear the fans screaming and singing.
Then came the announcement of the winner and how surprised were BTS when they saw they won the first place ! Hoseok jumped joyfully while Seokjin spoke. Taehyung also thanked the fans, just like Jungkook and Hoseok. Jimin just smiled. Of course, he was very happy and really touched to have won, but he still had that deep feeling deep down inside himself.
Then it was the « Encore ». Jimin crouched down, made aegyos and the group began to sing. Namjoon put an arm around Jimin while Hoseok and Seokjin messed around. Namjoon walked away and Jimin found himself alone. Again. His smile disappeared for a moment, before looking up ans seeing the fans who sang with them. He made his famous « eye smile » that sounded so wrong but the fans did not notice it. After that, they left the set to straightaway go to the fansign.
« It's awesome! It's our second win for this comeback, I can't believe it ! » Hoseok exclaimed. He was sitting at the back in the van with stars in his eyes.
« Yes... especially since we're only promoting for a week, it's really nice to see their support. They're really incredible. » Jungkook added, with a huge smile.
Namjoon loked at Jimin, who let his head rest against the window. The leader felt that the younger was not doing well for about a week. Everyone had noticed it but no one dared to speak to him, lest they do not find the right words. They were also afraid that Jimin would reject them. However, only one question was in their minds : what happened to their mochi ? He didn't talk to them anymore – or just for what was strictly necessary – and he spent his time alone... It was absolutely not his usual behavior.
After a 45 minutes van ride, they arrived at the place where the fansign would take place.
They were ready for the fansign and Jimin left them for a brief moment to go to the bathroom. He just looked at himself in the mirror and noticed how shabby he looked right now. He forced himself to smile and murmured : « Just smile during these 3 hours. You can do it. Nobody will suspect anything. You can do it. » He hid his redness that appeared because of his tears. He took a deep breath and caught up with the members. Members who had already left. They didn't wait for him. He suddenly had a lump in his throat because of the stress, and he went to the fansign room, where he was the last to sit.
Surprisingly, the 3 hours went quite quickly. Some jokes here and there, a few actions with the other members, smiles and high five to the fans and everything was successful.
Jimin inwardly congratulated himself and they all left to come back to the dormitory.
« Well, since we get home early, I'm going to cook a nice little dish ! » Seokjin exlaimed cheerfully before heading into the kitchen.
« Kookie, we will play a game ? Huh, huh ? It has been a long time !
- Yes Tae, I'm just going to put my stuff in my room, I'm coming. Turn the Wii on, please ! » Jungkook smiled hugely before going up to his bedroom.
« Chimchim, do you want to play ?
- No.
- But... why ?
- I don't want to, that's all.
- But... usually you are the first who wants to play.
- But not now ! I don't want to play, it's not a big deal, is it ?
- No, no... it just surprises me... that's all.
- Fuck Tae, it's just a game ! There are times where you don't want to do something, isn't it ?
- Don't get angry, I stop asking you why you don't want to play. Luckily, Kookie plays with me, because playing alone is not very fun.
- Stop Taehyung. Oh and shit, fuck you !
- Eh Jimin hyung, calm down. Tae said nothing wrong. »
Jungkook had intervened between Jimin and Taehyung and he touched the older's arm, which he regretted.
« You. Don't touch me. »
It was an angry Jimin who climbed stairs 4 to 4 to go into the room. In the living room, Namjoon, Yoongi and Hoseok looked at each other in shock. Jimin had never raised his voice as he had done. Yoongi was really confused. Taehyung had tears in his eyes. He was very sensitive, and the fact that it was Jimin who got mad at him was painful. Sometimes, Namjoon or Seokjin raised their voices, but it was not for such reasons. No one understood such behavior.
« Namjoon, I need you ! Come here ! » Seokjin said from the kitchen. The leader rushed in and shut the door.
« I heard Jimin and Taehyung arguing about something... What was that? »
« Hyung, I think our Jimin finally gave in. Someone should talk to him but you know, I'm not very good at comforting, this kind of things...
- I understand, I'll deal with it. I'm going to make him spill the beans. He can't stay like that anymore.
- Thank you Jin Hyung.
- But before that, I finish preparing the meal. I'll go straight after it so I give him time to calm down. »
In the living room, Jungkook and Taehyung were playing at the console. The elder of the two felt guilty for making Jimin angry.
« No Tae, don't blame yourself. I even think it is a blessing in disguise. It has been a long time since he's not feeling well and he keeps everything to himself. » The leader said.
« The bibimbap is ready. I'm counting on you to not touch it until the dinner. Especially you, Namjoon. »
Seokjin took off his apron, washed his hands and went towards Jimin's room. He listened carefully and he heard sobs. He glanced at his watch : 20 minutes passed since the younger had gotten pissed, and the oldest would have bet that he sobbed since he had left the living-room. Seokjin imagined Jimin in the corner of the room, his knees to his chest. Then Seokjin came in the bedroom without knocking : he pertinently knew that the younger would not have answered.
When he came in, he was not surprised to notice the room plunged into darkness. However, thanks to the night-light (Hoseok hated being in complete darkness), Seokjin managed to distinguish the pink-haired boy in the corner, near his bed. Seokjin definitely knew him too well. He carefully closed the door and approached him without making a sound. Jimin's sobs echoed in the room. The elder crouched and gently placed his hand on the younger's hair. « Eh, Jimin. I'm here. » he whispered.
The youngest didn't raise his head. For long, very long minutes, Seokjin observed the younger who was motionless. Seokjin decided to raise Jimin's chin and he saw Jimin's tearful eyes.
« Hey, Jimin. You know that you can rely on me ? On us ? I am and I will always be there for you. It has been days since we noticed your behavior. We see that you are elsewhere, we see that you aren't fine. And it hurts us to see you like this because we can't do anything. Why don't you talk to us ? We always solved our problems by talking all seven so why do you keep everything for yourself, hm ? Why do yo make yourself mesirable while you could put you out of your misery ? »
Unexpectedly, Jimin fell on Seokjin's neck and began to cry.
« Hyung... I'm... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to yell at Tae... »
The younger had trouble talking because of his tears.
« Shh, Jimin, stop talking. But cry, you'll feel better. »
The pink-haired man cried for a long time, his left hand clinging to Seokjin's sweater, as if he was afraid of him leaving.
After his fit of tears, he was silent for several minutes. « Would you like to explain everything to me now ? You know that I would not judge you. Even if you had done the worst bullshit, I would help you. »
Jimin seemed to hesitate, sighed but eventually spoke. After what happened, he had no choice but to give Seokjin an explanation for his behavior.
« I... It will probably sounds ridiculous but... Well... I don't know how to put words on my feelings...
- Take your time. I don't hear anyone fighting downstairs so it's all right. »
Jimin smiled faintly and started out.
« It has been three and a half years since we debuted. I've known you for a long time. I love my life because my job is in dancing and singing and you know that they are my passions. I love my fans. I love you all six. But ... lately ... I'm done with everything and everybody. I... You know I read the comments of our fans on the Internet and... there are quite a few who criticize the fact that I don't have my abs as before, or they criticize that I eat a lot and many other things... and it hurts me. I know that my abs are not as apparent as last year but I was tired of showing them at everybody. I mean, I'm not just a bunch of muscles, I'm a human and I don't like to unveil my body like that, even less in front of the cameras. But for some fans, it seems that my abs are the only thing that interests them... And then... Wel... I think I can't stand this rhythm of life anymore. I spend my life in the dance studio, and yet I feel like I'm not improving. I've been working on my body until it can bear no more. I push it beyond its limits. And yet, I continue and I continue... I'm tired Hyung. Exhausted. Stressed. And... and... I know you're too, I'm so selfish to tell you that. You work a lot too, I'm sorry Hyung... »
Jimin stopped for long seconds. Seokjing said nothing : he didn't want to stop the younger who was on the right track. Some tears rolled down the cheek of the younger, which the oldest hastened to wipe.
« There's something else... You'll think it's stupid but... it hurts me. I've been feeling very lonely lately. I miss my family, of course. But you... I... Namjoon is too busy composing, Taehyung and Jungkook are always together, you have your classes at university and then... Yoongi Hyung spends all his time with Hoseok, he is constantly glued to him. I like Hoseok Hyung, he's one of my brothers, but I miss Yoongi Hyung so much... I feel like I'm invisible to him. Even with you all, in fact, I feel that I am nonexistent, that I am a weight for the group. Sometimes I think that BTS would be better without me. I love you all six so much, you don't imagine how much... And yet... it hurts me. I'm so sorry Hyung. »
And Jimin started crying again. Seokjin took him in his arms. This little pink-haired man needed attention, he had a big lack of self-confidence. At that instant, all his insecurities were shown. In front of the cameras, he showed the image of a confident young man, but there was a huge difference with reality. Jimin's sobs made Seokjin's heart hurt. He hated to see one of his friends in this state. Once Jimin was calmed, Seokjin kissed his forehead. The fans were right on something: Seokjin really looked like a mother.
« You absolutely have to stop putting yourself under such pressure. You are very talented Jimin, you have an undeniable talent. You also need to stop attaching as much importance to what the fans think. There are people who will always criticize all the comings and goings, but there are many more who love you for who you truly are. It is normal that you miss your family. You've always been very close to them so it's really understandable. As for us, I think there is a misunderstanding. You were so much in your world that you didn't see us. Hey, at the Gaon for example. You got away from us, unconsciously or not, but I saw on the Internet that the fans had noticed this distance between you and us. You are very important for all of us. I forbid you to say that you are a burden to us or to think that BTS would be better without you. That is completely false. We started at seven, we'll end at seven. Remember our promise ? Hm ? So stop putting these ideas in your head because we love you too Chimchim. Concerning Hoseok and Yoongi, it's only an impression. I think you've put this idea into your head sooo much that you think you're seeing them together 24/24. »
The room was once again plunged into silence.
« Hyung, thank you for listening to me. »
They sat side by side and remained silent for a few minutes. Jimin buried his face in Jin's chest and let his eyes shut, enjoying the feeling of being carassed : Seokjin knew how to reassure the others.
Then Seokjin went out of the room and went down the stairs carefully – you never know, Jungkook or Hoseok might have invented a new game and make him fall – and Jimin followed him. Seokjin was delighted to see their five friends in the living room, playing calmly at the console or reading a book or a magazine. He also noticed that the table was already set for dinner.
The eldest stand at the entrance of the living-room, Jimin behind him. The pink-haired idol hid his head in his sweater's sleeves which were too long. He hesitated to go towards them. He didn't know what to do. Yet, seeing their five worried looks, he bent over and apologized. The six friends were surprised and didn't say anything.
« I'm sorry Tae, I should've not yell at you like that. » Said Tae was surprised and then showed his famous rectangular/box smile : it was a sign that Jimin was forgiven. Taehyung forgave everything to everyone anyway he was an angel.
« Namjoon, Kook, Hopie, I'm sorry you had to suffer my unfair behavior. I apologize. You won't have to bear my bad mood anymore. From now on, I will talk to you about what's wrong, like we have always done... Well, before I was stubborn like that. I feel so bad and I feel so guilty... And I'm so sorry guys. »
The three boys had a tender smile. Jimin was the « sunshine » of the group – with Hoseok – and god knows how much they preferred to see him like this rather than feeling downheartred.
The young pink-haired boy gazed at Yoongi : should he take him in his arms ? He wanted to, but he didn't really know. He was a big asshole. While he was hesitating, it was the brown-haired who smiled at him and opened his arms, in which Jimin threw himself. « I'm sorry Yoongi Hyung... I thought... I thought that you didn't love me anymore » Jimin began to cry : Namjoon didn't know his young friend was such a crybaby. Yoongi hurriedly kissed his cheek : « Me ? To stop loving you ? Are you crazy ? You're the most precious person in my life, I'll never stop to love you Jiminie. »
Jimin, his head buried in the crook of Yoongi's neck, turned to his friends and spoke again :
« I... I have no justification/explanation for my behavior, but I...
- Wait a minute Jimin. Don't you want to explain everything while we eat Seokjin's delicious bibimbap ? I like you a lot but my stomach is claiming food, it starts to cry of being hungry. Namjoon asked
- Mine doesn't cry, it screams ! Jungkook added.
Then the seven friends sat down at the table and Jimin, with difficulty, explained the how and the why. He omitted some details – of which only Seokjin would know – and resulted in a huge hug where Jimin nearly suffocated.
This evening, Jimin stayed with the others in the living room : he played at the console with Taehyung and Jungkook, joked with Hoseok and talked with Namjoon and Seokjin.
This night, Jimin and Yoongi were cuddling in the rapper's bed, Yoongi whispering sweet nothings to the younger. Curled in Yoongi's arms, he spent a good night like he had not spend in a long time.