This is written in honor of many people, but mostly to my friend Christine Persephone, who had the brilliant audacity to make a crossover between Phantom of the Opera and LOTR. Not only was this hilarious and full of a great deal of sense for me, it also got me wondering about what ELSE you could cross over with Lord of the Rings? Some of the ones were rather ridiculous—but others made far too much sense for me not to act on them. When I finally began pairing up characters from my favorite anime, Rurouni Kenshin, with characters from Lord of the Rings, I realized that I really COULD write a parody between the two!
And so here I am, with my first Great Leap into our beloved Rurouni's world of fanfiction. And yes, you should be very afraid. I am obsessed with both LOTR and our Kenshin, and my mania will not go unquenched.
SIDENOTE: Some of these characters will NOT MAKE SENSE. Just try to laugh, accept it, and move on. Some of you will no doubt despise my casting and throw rotten squid at me. That's fine, your opinion is your own. I do ask that criticism be constructive, and not ludicrously crude (i.e. "U suk" is not good criticism. )
THE LORD OF THE RINGS/RUROUNI KENSHIN
A.K.A.
THE LORD OF THE HITOKIRIS
In the beginning…
BLACKOUT
A VOICEOVER OF SOMEONE YOU WILL LATER RECOGNIZE, speaking in , ELVISH translated into JAPANESE and ENGLISH for the Non-Elves of this audience
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I amar prestar aen. . . han mathon ne nen. . . han mathon ne chae. . . a han noston ned 'wilith.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE'S TRANSLATOR: The world is changed . . . I feel it in the water. . . I feel it in the earth. . . I smell it in the air. . .
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: ::continues on in English:: Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it. . .
It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings.
A mysterious glade. THREE ELVES, one dressed rather provocatively, view their new rings.
Seven to the dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.
SEVEN DWARVES, all looking muscular and impressive, raise their rings.
And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else ::spooky pause:: desire power.
NINE MEN, all appearing spellbound, accept their new rings.
For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. . .
OMINOUS MUSIC STARTSBut they were all of them deceived. . . for another ring was made. . .
Scene changes to KYOTO, at the time of the Meiji Revolution. Blood soaks the ground everywhere, and smoke and explosions constantly litter the air. A volcano rumbles nearby.
Close-up of THE INFERNO ROOM, looking rather black and scary. Inside, a DANGEROUS LOOKING YOUNG MAN with the eyes of an ASSASSIN fiddles about with fire and metal.
In the land of Kyoto, in the Fires of the Inferno Room, the Dark Hitokiri Shishio forged, in secret, a Master Ring to control all others. And into this ring, he poured his cruelty, his cunning, and his will to dominate all life.
SHISHIO, looking pleased (a very bad thing), holds aloft a RING made of sword-metal, which appears to have been soaked in HUMAN FAT.
One Ring to rule them all. . .
SHISHIO: ::evilly smiles in a very frightening manner::
One by one, all free Peoples of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring. . .
SHISHIO decides that he likes CHAOS, and to have this CHAOS continue forever, he'll DESTROY THE WORLD and bring it under his control, in which if he doesn't like you, you DIE.
But there were some who resisted. . .
ELVES and MEN go on parade, all wearing martial gis and hakamas. All carry rather impressive Japanese weapons.
A Last Alliance of Men and Elves, the Ishin Shishi, marched against Shishio's troops, and on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Japan.
Shishio's lackeys, the ORCS, clash with the freedom fighters of the ISHIN SHISHI in an impressive epic battle sequence.
SHISHIO'S LACKEY # 2309: ::SCREECHES IN A HIGH-PITCHED ANNOYING MANNER::
SHISHIO'S LACKEYS #1—10942: ::ECHO THIS SENTIMENT::
We see an OLD ELF, who looks very wise and kindly and like he really should NOT be in this war scene. He commands a large legion of ELVES. Beside him is A RATHER SMALL HUMAN MAN who happens to be KATSURILDUR, HIGH PRINCE OF JAPAN.
AUTHORESS: Yes, that is a Katsura-Isildur mix. Pay him no mind.
OLD ELF: ::yells impressively in Elvish::
SEVERELY COOL ELVEN ARCHERS: ::whomp on some Evil Orc Lackeys::
A huge battle commences, in which the EVIL LACKEYS are RESOUNDINGLY THRASHED.
KATSURA: ::wields a katana and slashes a few Orcs::
ELENDIL, KATSURILDUR'S FATHER: ::stabs an Orc and then waves his sword about triumphantly::
It seems like the good guys are winning, but now that wouldn't be much of a story, now would it?
VOICEOVER: Victory was near…
We see the OLD ELF halt and freeze in the middle of the fight. As the war rages around him, he stares up in fear. KATSURA and ELENDIL also look up, and both look frightened. The ISHIN SHISHI slowly stop fighting and stare up…
…but the power of the Ring, could not be undone.
CLOSE-UP of the back of a YOUNG MAN wearing a PURPLE ROBE, with long, matted black hair tied back in a ponytail that waves in the breeze. The camera moves back to show the whole of SHISHIO'S perspective, not to mention the fact that he's managing to LOOM OVER EVERYONE ELSE PRESENT.
SHISHIO'S FINGER: ::has a silvery Ring wrapped around it::
SHISHIO: ::mightily evil grin::
SHISHIO goes to work and begins smashing the Ishin Shishi about like they were ping-pong balls. ELVES and MEN go flying about. ELENDIL gets mad and charges SHISHIO, and ends up very dead on a cliff-face several yards away.
KATSURA rushes over to his father and cries over him. SHISHIO looms up behind him. KATSURA gets pissed off, and grabs his father's sword, only to realize that the sword is a…
SAKABATOU.
And therefore, killing anyone with it would be pretty difficult.
Plus, SHISHIO, just for good measure, stomps down on it and breaks the pretty sword into itty-bitty pieces.
It was in this moment, when all hope had faded…
SHISHIO reaches down for KATSURA. KATSURA freaks out.
…when Katsurildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword.
KATSURILDUR slices at Shishio's oncoming hand with his father's broken SAKABATOU. Except now that it's been broken, the broken edge is VERY SHARP, so that when it connects, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.
BROKEN SAKABATOU: ::slices into SHISHIO'S hand::
SEVERAL OF SHISHIO'S FINGERS get nicely chopped off, INCLUDING THE ONE WITH THE RING ON IT. SHISHIO screams in pain and BURSTS INTO FLAME.
CLOSE-UP of the RING falling slowly to the ground. It lands with an menacing thunk. KATSURILDUR stares at it in awe, then glances up.
SHISHIO is flaming like a MARSHMALLOW. As everyone watches, he EXPLODES into small flickers of flame and sends out a huge shockwave before vanishing.
Shishio, Enemy of all the Free Peoples of Middle-Japan, was defeated.
AUTHORESS AND FREE PEOPLES OF MIDDLE-JAPAN: ::Cheer::
The RING is still lying in the dust where it fell. A flicker of flame still seems to dance about it. KATSURILDUR bends down and picks it up, examining it as if entranced.
The Ring passed to Katsurildur, who had this one chance to destroy Evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted…
KATSURA: ::grins in a familiarly evil way:: ::He has also noticeably NOT let go of the Ring::
…and the Ring of Power has a will of its own…
SCENE CHANGE. We are now in the middle of a GLOOMY GRAY FOREST, some years later. KATSURILDUR, followed by some guards, is riding slowly through these woods. The RING OF POWER is on a chain around his neck.
RING: Psst! Hey, you! Orcs! OVER HERE!
ORCS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE WANDERING AROUND: Eh? Ooh! Evil! ::leap upon the traveling party::
A fight commences. KATSURILDUR freaks out, and puts on the Ring. He attempts to flee into a nearby river. The RING now chooses to slip off his finger.
KATSURILDUR: Hey! Come back here!
RING: Adios, sucker! ::floats away::
KATSURILDUR: Damnit…
It betrayed Katsurildur…
The ORC-LACKEYS on the bank fire several NASTY BLACK ARROWS into the River. KATSURILDUR gets most of them in his back…
…to his death.
KATSURILDUR goes floating away downriver. (Poor guy.) The RING sinks down to the bottom of the river and manages to get itself buried under a lot of MUCKY SAND.
History became legend, legend became myth, and some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. And for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge…
TWO AND A HALF THOUSANDS YEARS LATER…
RING: ::lies in mud and appears to be cackling to itself, obviously gone completely insane from lack of Evil-Contact::
Until, when chance came…
CREEPY ANONYMOUS HAND: ::picks up the Ring::
…it ensnared a new bearer…
ANOTHER MISCELLANEOUS VOICE: My precioussssssssss…
The Ring came to the creature Golishi, who took it deep into the Japanese Alps. And there, it consumed him.
GOLISHI is now looking rather slimy and hideous, and is crouching in the middle of a SPOOKY CAVE, clutching the RING.
ENISHI: ::mutters to himself:: It came to me, my own, my love, my own, my precioussssssss…
AUTHORESS: That was a lot like he was to begin with, actually…
The Ring brought to Golishi unnatural long life. For five hundred years, it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Golishi's cave, it waited.
Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear. And the Ring of Power perceived…its time had now come.
The RING, cackling joyously and obviously glad to be free of Enishi's CREEPILY LONG AND NO DOUBT VERY COLD FINGERS, goes rolling away from him with a hop, skip, and a jump.
It abandoned Golishi.
RING: ::chuckles:: Stooge!
But something happened then the Ring did not intend.
RING: Damnit…just remembered that I'm an inanimate object…::lies uselessly on the floor of the cave::
It was picked up, by the most unlikely creature imaginable.
OOKUBO, a rather pleasant-faced government official, happens to be crawling around in the dirt.
OOKUBO: What's this?
A Hobbit. Lord Ookubo Baggins, of Tokyo.
OOKUBO: A Ring…how shiny…
ENISHI: ::howls in distance:: Lost! The precious is lost!
OOKUBO looks rather nervous and goes scurrying away, the RING clutched in his hands.
For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the fortunes of all…
Cast List
MIDDLE-EARTH: Japan
SAURON: Shishio
THE RING: As Itself
ISILDUR: Katsura
ELROND: …Wait and see.
GOLLUM: Enishi
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: …Someone's going to attack me for casting, I just know it…
MORDOR: Kyoto during the Meiji Revolution
BARAD-DÛR: Six-Arch Shrine
MOUNT DOOM: The Inferno Room (You know, the last battlefield, Shishio's private training room, where Kenshin beats Shishio? Yeah, that place.)
AUTHORESS'S NOTES: Well…it could have gone worse, right?
::ducks to avoid flying onions::
Maybe not