This is my first tumblr request and I'm really nervous. Also, I mentioned Magnus' name over a hundred times, I'm sorry.

Warnings for self-depreciation, self-harm, and mentions of blood.

Even a High Warlock Can Feel Low

Alec has been faced with many strange sights when entering the loft…

There was the time when Izzy had been working on her prom dress and she had, with Magnus' permission, draped lace over every available surface. There'd also been the time where Chairman had assembled a gang and they'd wrecked absolute havoc, leaving paw prints and scratch marks everywhere. He'd even once walked in to see Catarina and Dot having a heated argument in what he'd later learnt was Latin slang, the two of them talking so loud the windows had been quaking. Not to mention that unfortunate instance where Magnus had been hexed to leave mini cacti in his path and he'd been pacing while constructing a potion, resulting in an impromptu garden dotted with the occasional hazardous ingredient.

…But he's never walked into absolute silence before.

Neither he nor Magnus are fans of silence as they both agree it's counter-intuitive and unnecessarily stressful so there's always something going on in the loft, even if it's just a random vinyl playing softly. Alec is therefore immediately on alert when he opens the door and hears the worrying sound of nothing.

There's a brief moment when his stomach twists and his heart freezes and his blood hardens but then he's gritting his teeth and pulling the shards of his anxiety together because his love for Magnus outweighs any kind of panic he might feel like crumpling into or explosively releasing. His mind whirls faster but it whirls with a single goal: he has to find Magnus.

"Magnus?" he calls hesitantly, shutting the door behind him with one hand on his stele in case he needs to quickly a rune to defend himself.

"Mags?" he says it louder this time, moving through the apartment, mentally ticking off each room as he finds it empty. Or at least, empty of his warlock. Their rooms are full because they're both sentimental and always find some sort of souvenir from wherever they go and Alec can usually stare at them, reminiscing, for hours on end but, right now, he can't think about anything other than the location of his favourite high warlock.

"Magnus!" Alec all but bellows as he reaches their bedroom, knowing there's nowhere left for him to look and hoping, hoping harder than he's ever hoped before.

He doesn't know if he wants to go in because he can't decide whether he wants Magnus to be inside or not. His absence would be a preferable explanation for the silence but he doesn't want to have lost Magnus either. He can't lose Magnus; losing Magnus would be akin to losing himself. Taking a breath, he pushes the door open with his foot.

Metal.

He can smell metal.

But it's not metal.

It's the kind of metallic scent that can only be smelt when someone is bleeding but simply allowing the blood to flow – or encouraging it – rather than attempting to stop it. It's the kind of metallic scent usually found on a battlefield or in the training area. It's the kind of metallic scent that doesn't belong in the place you identify as home.

"Magnus?!" Alec drops his stele.

He can hear it now, the rapid mumbling his mind had blocked out when trying to ascertain the origin of the metallic smell. It's a harsh mumble, clearly not meant to be overheard, jagged and broken. Alec can hear the pain in his favourite voice and it breaks his heart. He stills, his muscles refusing to move as his brain tries to catch up with his emotions, his ears begging him to go and stop the words, the horrible words, the words that shouldn't be allowed to exist and sadly, the words Magnus seems to be muttering over and over and over and over again.

"Stupid"

"Ugly"

"Freak"

"Deserves to die"

"Abomination"

"Unnatural"

"Waste of air"

And more, so many more words that make Alec's heart shatter entirely, his entire being protesting with rage and grief. He flinches at each syllable of the cruel insults, willing to trade his soul for Magnus to stop, just stop saying them and believing them because they're wrong, they're so wrong…

"Magnus!" Alec jerks forwards, falling to his knees in front of the warlock.

Said warlock doesn't register his words at first, preoccupied with scratching his skin at every word and cursing at himself in between sobs - sobs that cause his whole body to tremble and shake like a lone sapling at the centre of a raging tornado. Magnus' perfect eyelashes kiss his high cheekbones as his tears spill, spill over his beautiful skin, the skin now littered with blood and scratches.

"Oh, by the angel…" Alec bites his lip, gently pulling Magnus' hands towards him, folding his own hands over them and rubbing his thumb over the uninjured skin.

Alec knows Magnus well enough to know this isn't him; this is the version of Magnus forged by careless insults and ignorant cruelty. This is the Magnus people don't see, this is the Magnus people like to pretend doesn't exist, and yet this is the Magnus that needs to be protected the most.

"Magnus, love, please, look at me."

Magnus shakes his head, his gaze fixed on his knees and his hair falling over his eyes like a waterfall crafted from sadness and shame. He hates the broken look in Magnus' upturned eyebrows and the frown lines extending above his glabella. He can't stand the way Magnus' whole frame had stopped shaking at his arrival and is now violently shuddering like a record stuck on the same note, but he'll tolerate it if it's the only alternative to the horrible words he was spitting out before.

"I love you, Magnus. It's okay." And Alec waits, holding Magnus' hands steady even as his scratches ooze crimson and his eyes overflow, watching helplessly as the beads of liquid emotion rolling over his skin and falling onto the floor like discarded diamonds.

Eventually, the tears pause and he starts intermittently gasping instead. Alec's heart continues to painfully ache as he shuffles closer to Magnus, letting their knees touch and keeping his eyes on Magnus' closed eyes. He wishes the world was kinder to people like Magnus but there's nothing he can do without any knowledge, even if he can guess what had probably happened.

"You can't believe them, you know?" Alec asks, his voice softer than velvet and almost as quiet as silence. Magnus shakes his head.

Alec swallows his urge to cry and physically bites back his tears as he sees the obvious scratch marks on Magnus' skin, the cuts clearly aimed at his eyes and the long gashes running along his arms and legs. He can only begin to imagine the pain he must be going through. Before Alec can blink, Magnus yanks his hands back with an angry whimper, mumbling so softly even Alec can't hear and clawing at his skin as if wanting to peel it off entirely.

"No!" Alec cuts himself off as he grabs Magnus' hands back, overbalancing as Magnus struggles with him. But the time he's pulled himself upright, there are five new gashes on both the warlock's shoulders. Alec curses; why can so much pain be caused so quickly?

"I'm sorry!" he means to shout but it comes out as a whisper when Magnus looks so lost, so determined to replace the pain of insults with the pain of bleeding. "I can't let you do this!"

"Magnus, stop! Stop, please!" Alec begs, and he's not even ashamed to be begging; there's nothing he wouldn't do to bring Magnus the happiness he deserves. He can barely distinguish the words in his continuous plea, the plea that lasts until Magnus gives up trying to pull his hands back, finally letting his sobs escape instead of forcing freedom upon the blood that belongs in his blood vessels.

Alec pulls Magnus' arms close, slowly pulling the rest of the warlock as well. He cocoons himself around the sobbing frame of the man he loves and gently plants a kiss on the beautiful locks now left untamed. Magnus all but falls onto him, his head resting on Alec's shoulder and his tears soaking Alec's clothes. Magnus collapses both physically and emotionally but Alec can only help with one of the two. He can feel the sobs vibrating through both of them and he can feel his heart breaking with every relentless sniffle but he can't do anything and it occurs to him how underrated the pain of helplessness is.

"Magnus… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, it's okay, I'm sorry, I love you," Alec soothes.

"No-"

Magnus' voice is battered, layered with emotion and full of cracks.

"What?" Alec asks, "Magnus? I love you, I really do. I love all of you."

Magnus stills for a moment but shakes his head into Alec's shoulder and Alec gently lifts up a hand to run his fingers through the warlock's hair. To his credit, Magnus tries to smiles at Alec despite everything, but the action aggravates a scratch on his face and he shakes his head again, clearly doubting his ability to push away the self-hatred. Alec sighs as his words fall on unhearing ears, beautiful ears that can listen but have been channelling in so many insults without filtering them that they refuse to accept the truth anymore.

"Mags, I love you. I love your smile and your beautiful laugh and your impeccable fashion sense and your incredible makeup skills and your deadly sass and the way nobody dares to challenge your parties. And, Magnus, I love the rest of you too. I love your flawless skin and your unique eyes and the way you stay up all night to help your clients. I love the way you kiss and how you have pet names for me in languages I'm not old enough to know and I love your sleepy morning voice. I love you so much it hurts, Magnus, but I don't care because the gift of your love is worth the pain of my love. You are the sun lighting up my life and, even if I go blind from gazing at your beauty, I will still love you more than anything else in all of existence. I adore you and I'm not going to let you forget your worth no matter how much you want to. I love you. I love you so, so much."

Magnus pulls back and Alec readies himself in case it's a repeat of before but, thankfully, he's just met with a tearful smile. But it's not just a smile, it's a beam, a promise of hope, a way of saying 'thank you' without having to say it. It's a relief.

"Magnus?" Alec asks, and he knows his eyes are watering because his voice is shaky but he can't help it because seeing the most important person in his life in pain is agony. Speaking of agony…

"Can you heal yourself? Please?"

He tightens his grip on Magnus' hand as an offering of his strength but Magnus shakes his head violently, his eyes shutting as he mutters something about magic being bad. He looks so weak, so battered, and Alec wishes he had magic but he knows that sometimes, the greatest power comes from having no power at all but still getting the job done.

He kisses Magnus' forehead, avoiding the gash running along the beautiful skin, and gently unfolds his legs, pulling himself upright and taking Magnus with him. Magnus doesn't react as they stand but his knees buckle under his weight as soon Alec moves and he cries out, throwing his arms around Alec's shoulders out of instinct.

"Oh, Mags…" Alec breathes and, dismissing his pounding heart, tucks his arms under the warlock and lifts him off the floor, trying not to fixate on the sound of blood sinking into the carpet and deciding to plant another small kiss on Magnus instead, this time on his nose.

And Magnus giggles. It's only for a split second and it's a fractured hysteria but the sound of shadowed amusement is enough to convince Alec his Magnus is still there beneath the pain and bottled insecurity. It's enough to remind him that, in most other circumstances, Magnus would have made a joke about Alec carrying him bridal style. It's enough to convince him he's right to have followed his heart on this and refrained from calling someone else right away. But most importantly, it's enough to convince him Magnus will be okay.

He panics a little as he pushes open the bathroom door with his foot because he can't decide where to set down the warlock and the last thing he needs is to drop him. He takes a deep breath and thanks Magnus for having convinced him a larger bathtub was a good idea, making sure he doesn't stop walking at any point. Carefully stepping into the bath himself, he kneels down and props Magnus up against the side, smiling as best as he can. Not that it matters, because Magnus has his eyes shut. And he keeps them shut as Alec steps back out of the bath to grab the box of bandages and antiseptics and everything else first aid, then returns to kneel in the bath once again.

"Magnus? Can you hear me?"

When Magnus opens his eyes, they shine green and yellow and gold. Alec can't help smiling as he sees the mesmerising colours but his heart frowns, knowing the display means Magnus is weak and exhausted. Oh, how he wished healing could be a linear process with a clear start and a clear end with no fluctuations or unexpected attacks in the middle; unfortunately, you can't wish healing to be simple.

"You're beautiful, love. Can I shirt your take off?" He blinks at himself, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment. "I mean- can I- uh, remove your shirt… so I can clean the cuts?"

Magnus sends him a small smile and nods, his eyes drooping. Alec takes the chance to recover and starts humming, only as an attempt to keep Magnus awake so the sting of washing his scratches doesn't startle him too badly. It works. Magnus' eyes fly open and his gaze wanders over the tiles in confusion before he lets it settle on Alec's face and simply stares.

If it was anyone else, Alec would be utterly uncomfortable. But with Magnus watching him, he feels safe, he feels confident, and he feels like he can help. So he just accepts it as he gently unbuttons Magnus's now-torn shirt and slides it off his shoulders, careful to avoid aggravating scratches, before throwing it across the room and hoping it hasn't landed on anything that can be broken by fabric. He keeps humming as he softly brushes the antibacterial-soaked cotton wool over Magnus' scratches and presses against the gashes still oozing blood, praying Magnus hasn't lost too much. It'd be easy to say superficial cuts can't cause harm but anyone who's ever met a warlock can confirm superficial has a much deadlier meaning for those possessing magic.

"Sorry," he hisses, but not unlovingly. In fact, he's almost berating himself with the apology, wishing there was a way to do this without causing Magnus any more pain.

The scratches aren't too deep but they're deep enough to show Magnus isn't the unaffected and perpetually nonchalant diva people can assume him to be. Their existence at all is enough evidence to say Magnus has emotions and just because he doesn't show them off doesn't mean he can't be hurt. They're enough to prove Magnus takes on more than he can because he cares too much and they're enough to prove he deserves better. Their existence is a sign that Magnus has been pushed over his extremely generous limits and Alec wishes he could change the system so they could avoid this but he can't make everyone love the high warlock as much as he does, no matter how much he tries.

Alec flinches as Magnus tenses when the bandage touches his arms. There's no option but to wrap them because there's no plaster made to be a typical classroom ruler length long. He stops humming only to repeatedly whisper apologies as Magnus squeezes his eyes shut, the colourful eyeshadow long since washed away by blood and sweat and the surviving eyeliner now bleeding down over his cheeks like tainted tears.

Sighing, Alec reaches for the towel and wipes the reddish grey away, leaving behind the unhealed cuts and angry scratches that won't heal as easily. Magnus shrinks back without warning and Alec swears to himself, realising his remorseful exhale could have been mistaken for one of anger. "Mags, no, I didn't mean to- I'm sorry, I love you, please- I- look at me?"

He doesn't open his eyes but Magnus does lean forwards and let Alec wrap him in an apologetic embrace of affection. Alec pulls him close, closer than he's ever pulled anyone before, and holds on as if their life and love depend on it. He lets his head fall onto Magnus' and lets his eyes slam shut for a minute, wondering what would have happened if he hadn't finished the mission early. He wonders if he would have lost Magnus… His extremely pessimistic spiral of possibilities ends when Magnus giggles again, this time a smaller, brighter sound that makes him pull back.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Alec asks, his brain still panicking despite the clear smile on Magnus' face.

When Magnus nods, Alec nods back. "Are you ready to stand?"

Magnus shakes his head but, because Alec has spent plenty of time with the warlock, he knows it's safe to try. There's a softness to the crinkles around his eyes that reveals his determination and so Alec gently peels himself of the bathtub surface, shaking his legs to rid the numbness and stepping out one foot at a time, making sure he can stand before he tries to lift Magnus.

Magnus shrinks into himself and whimpers at the loss of Alec's touch, his tiny giggle now replaced with a terror that belongs far away from him, and it takes all of the shadowhunter's self-control not to break down at the sight but rather reach for the warlock's hand and interlock their fingers.

"It's alright, Magnus, I'm still here"

Making sure he internally sighs with relief this time, Alec lets Magnus lean against him and helps him carefully clamber his way out of the bath. He almost falls onto Alec and so they both stumble, Alec's back hitting the sink with a soft, muted thud.

"Sorry," Magnus whispers, his voice dry and crackling under the pressure of negativity.

Alec just chuckles. "It's okay, I'm not hurt. Come on, we can't stay here forever."

The expression on Magnus' face suggests he really doesn't care where he stays as long as his eyes can shut and he doesn't have to deal with being conscious any longer. Unfortunately - or rather, luckily - Alec loves the high warlock too much to allow that.

"Mags..." Alec winces when Magnus wobbles and rolls his shoulders back before once again picking Magnus up bridal style. Magnus sighs and lets his head drop onto Alec's chest, just dodging his collarbones.

He still doesn't make a joke but he cracks a small smile so Alec lets himself stop panicking and focus on not toppling over or crashing into one of their many decorations. As it is, he only stumbles once: when he trips on his own toes and ends up losing sight of the bedroom for a second as they beeline to the carpet. He all but shrieks and clutches onto Magnus even tighter, breathing heavily as he unceremoniously stumbles and catches his balance. When he finally recovers and opens his eyes, he sees Magnus' still-flowing eyes are squeezed shut and his whole frame shaking in what seems like fear – a fear that wouldn't exist if everyone was kind, or if they had any kind of basic moral decency.

"I'm so sorry, love. I'm so sorry. It's okay, we're okay. We'll be okay." Alec barely hears the words leaving his mouth but he figures he'd been saying them when Magnus slowly stops shaking and his muscles loosen up.

After bending down to let Magnus settle on their bed, Alec hastily wipes the tears from his face with the back of his hand, disguising his sob with a small cough as he grabs an extra blanket. Magnus jumps when he returns but immediately melts into his side when he realises it's only Alec. Making sure one arm is securely wrapped around the high warlock's shoulders, Alec lets his free hand entwine with one of Magnus' and the two of them drum little beats on each other's skin.

"I love you, Magnus. Please, please, don't forget that."

Alec doesn't know what he expects as an answer but he definitely doesn't expect Magnus to softly whisper, "Don't hate me."

"Hate you?" Alec echoes, frowning.

Magnus nods quickly, the gold in his eyes hidden behind the tears he can't stop. "Please- I- Don't hate me…" he stops when his breathing quickens too much for him to form intelligible words but doesn't let Alec stop him, "I'm sorry- You can't hate me… please, I already hate me- myself… you can't hate me too! If everyone hates me, I have no- no reason- nothing- I should just- Please… I'm sorry, we can forget, I- Please!" He breaks off, sobbing again, his tears seemingly endless.

Alec doesn't want to talk, he wants to grab his bow and induce the deaths of those who hurt his warlock but he can't, he can't leave the man he loves. As much as he wants to punch someone or just scream into the night, he can't leave Magnus when all his defence walls have crumbled and burned. It wouldn't be fair.

"Magnus… I can never, ever hate you. I can't. I love you. I love you so much, Magnus. I've said it before and I'll always say it again: I promise I will never leave you. I love you more than anything else and I am happiest by your side. You're beautiful, Magnus Bane, and I can't live without you." Alec takes a breath, pulling Magnus closer and kissing his nose before lifting a hand and slowly wiping away the translucent silver trailing down his skin. "Please, love, don't let yourself believe I could live without you. You are the light of my life, Magnus, and there is no way I can hate you. Ever. I promise."

Magnus sniffs and buries his head in the safety of Alec's chest. "I love you," he murmurs.

Alec, for the first time since finishing his mission, smiles.

"And I love you."

In the morning, they'll wake up to Magnus apologising profoundly and Alec shutting him up with a soft kiss. In the morning, Alec will convince Magnus to use his strength and heal the cuts and scratches, erasing the reminder of self-hatred. In the morning, Magnus will be better, and the two of them will share a somewhat stolen breakfast in the comfort of their own bedroom. But for now, the two of them drift into a tense and loving sleep, curled into each other like wisps of smoke.

Because sometimes, even a high warlock can feel low.

Thanks for reading! Any feedback or requests? Have a good one!