Title: Shoes and other assorted bad things.
Rating: Lets go with PG13
Pairing: Renji/Byakuya if ya squint
Warnings: ...ever read me before? Be careful I may scare you.
Description: Anyone ever heard that song that goes 'lets get some shoes...' I did, and then wrote this -_-

"Ichigo...we're gonna die aren't we."

Ichigo looked towards the resigned red head next to him, his fingers automatically curled around his belt in a white knuckled grip. "Probably."

"Renji!" Rukia emerged from the brawling mass of females a box clutched against her chest. She elbowed a blond woman in the face, yanked a girl with blue hair sideways and subsequently into another girl with lolita curls aiming for her face, with a final twist kick combination she landed softly onto the face of yet another blond woman--to land directly in front of the only bastion of testosterone in a sea of estrogen fueled blood lust. "Guard this with your life! I'm going back for the manolo's!"

"Rukia-chan! HELP! P-please let go of those! HELP!"

Rukia blinked, " And Orihime...right after I get those manolo's!"

Ichigo narrowed his eyes, in the direction of Orihime's screaming there were three women surronding her and it looked like one of them was trying to gnaw off her wrist to get at the pair of sandals she'd locked into a cradle hold.

"Damn it! I knew I should have made Tatsuki come along!"

"Drop the shoes and run Orihime! RUN!" Ichigo yelled taking off his jacket, he really did not want to dive into that mess.

"Ichigo-kun!"

"Are those the new Louboutin's? Hold on I'm coming!" And just like that Rukia was off, mercilessly beating off--aside or stomping on anyone that happened to get in her way.

"Wow." Renji carefully moved the box to his right arm. "Women are crazy."

Ichigo nodded, "What's in that box anyway?"

Renji held it up, "I don't know?"

Ichigo opened the box and lifted out a dark red stiletto, "Interesting...."

About that time a twenty something brunette (that Byakuya would later deduce was Ise- fukutaichou from Renji's muffled terrified sobbing into his pants leg.) pointed at him and yelled something that should involved a prison sentence if stated in a roomful of shoe-whores at a 75% off designer shoe sale. "Look he has the last pair of six Jimmy Choo's!"

Immediate silence, except for the sound of Ichigo dropping the shoe back in the box and scooting towards the door traitorous bastard.

Much later when Kuchiki Byakuya would finally surrender to his exhaustion (and not to his secret dirty dreams...never to upright for that.) and go to bed with Renji still wrapped around him. He also managed to justify and convince himself that he was stroking his hair because he'd read that it had calming effects on the recently traumatized...or something. Uh-huh and the moon was made of purple cheese.

After he'd managed to 'calm' Renji (who had in actuality been fine for hours now...But you know gift horses.

Byakuya asked, "Was it really that bad?"

Renji was quiet for a long moment breathing softly hot and moist against his neck. Lips moved against skin when Renji began to speak, "Do you remember that time I was cornered by eighteen hollows against a cliff wall, no reiatsu left, broken left arm and blood loss that I should have already been dead from?"
"That bad?"

"In the physical sense no. I could have killed everyone in that room if I wanted…but I'd go through that fifty times before I go shoe shopping again."

Byakuya felt he was being overemotional about the whole thing, until he was recruited for the annual handbag bloodbath sale. He'd been within inches of freedom when Kenpachi realized that there wouldn't actually be a bloodbath, or even a battle…or so he thought.

After the first five minutes of "OHMyGOD 75% off D&G 2009 *insert insane fangirl screaming here*" he'd been ready to leave. After the first woman to try and break his wrist to get to a pink bag the size of his palm, he thought maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as he thought. Shortly after escaping a very professional arm and neck lock via Matsumoto-fukutaichou administered in order to get to a black leather—he couldn't think of anything to call it other than a portable black hole; he wondered if there was some kind of chemical warfare going on—he didn't have time to contemplate that possibility for long because Hitsugaya-taichou needed backup . Luckily he'd managed to wedge himself beneath a very heavy display case holding onto what looked like a blue wallet. Must be a gift for Hinamori…. After that he relieved Soi Fong of the knife she held to the throat of some woman during a confrontation over who had gotten their hands on a black leather …pouch of some kind first. He couldn't properly press the importance of decorum in a capatain on Soi Fong because Yachiru had gotten her evil little hands on an orange bag of some kind and was causing a riot by tossing it into to air for the joy of watching grown women try to kill themselves—and each other to catch it.

At that point he began to realize that no Renji had not been over emotional and yes, he had been very wise indeed to run away… What was with commoners and overpriced—
That was when he saw it…and as a result of seeing it. He stood before Captain Commander Yamamoto, and all available assembled captains and vice captains…his own vice captain stood behind him four paces looking sheepish.
Unpleasant.
Yamamoto let out a deep sigh, one that seemed to come up from the tips of his toes and had been trying to escape for thousands upon thousands of years. He handed a scroll to Gonryoumaru-fukutaichou, then crossed his hands on top of his cane. " Kuchiki-taichou…please explain yourself."
"There was a shopping excursion. The situation got out of hand."
Once again silence.
"Really?"
That had sounded much more like a statement, rather than something he expected a reply to…

Hitsugaya-taichou cleared his throat. Soi Fong turned her lemony glare on him. Someone behind him shuffled-probably Renji he tended to do that when he was nervous.

"Two women were killed, three more suffered broken bones, a sales clerk within the establishment is at this moment fighting to live. Multiple others suffered a variety of cuts, and bruises, and there is a giant hole in the center of something called a shopping mall. As well as a letter written by Kurosaki Ichigo requesting that you never set foot in the living world again…ever, which is written fifteen times…with something that looks like blood spray across the bottom."

Once again a statement that did not require input from himself.

"Right. I suppose what I would like to know Kuchiki-taichou is how exactly did things get out of hand to this extent?"

"A simple misunderstanding." He replied calmly. "A young woman fell."
The thud of Renji hitting the ground behind him, was echoed by at least half the room falling as well. Though Zaraki's mad laughter covered a lot of it.

"If by fall you actually mean 'strong armed' into a glass display case Kuchiki-taichou!" Soi Fong added coldly.
He let his eyes slide towards her, hitched his 100% leather Prada messenger. " I apologize if I did not notice you."

"YOU THREW ME THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AFTER I GOT OUT OF THE DISPLAY CASE!"
"Did I?...Oh that was you. I apologize, I would believe that a captain level shinigami would be considerably more difficult to dispatch."

"Damn. I should have fuckin' went." Kenpachi mumbled. "When is the next trip."

"NEVER!"

Malaric:*bows* Please don't kill me. Kill Prada.

Fic: Happy Pervert Day
Rating: Lets go with PG13
Pairing: Renji/Byakuya if ya squint
Warnings: ...things that are wrong .
Description: Happy pervert day and it's orgins.

In the beginning....

He could still remember the exact day they began the tradition, what the weather was like what color he was wearing and even what the very first gift was he'd received.

Two round rocks with nipples drawn on them. "Happy pervert day!" Rukia had smirked at him as she'd handed it over.

They had been ten at the time. He'd immediately gotten with the program and given her a long thin rock….that if you squinted at it right looked somewhat perverted.

Over the years other friends were added to the festivities, and with each new addition the day got bigger and crazier.

Once they'd both entered the academy he'd invite: Kira, and Momo, to join. The following year he'd invited Shuuhei, once Yumichika became involved with Shuuhei (and found the 'Baby-I'm-real' blow up doll, and heard his subsequent explanation for it…) he joined, and brought Ikkaku with him. By the time Renji became vice captain of squad six they were fifteen people strong, and the exchange of gifts became a holiday and that holiday gave birth to an annual party. A party that eventually found a home within the bowels of the Kuchiki manor, with none the wiser…

Thus was born the holiday on January 31st. Pervert day. It wasn't until a few years later that it became both funny and problematic….but mostly funny.

"See you tonight Renji." Rukia waved over her shoulder leaving his door open…again.

"'Kay." He looked back down at the mountain of paperwork his captain had dropped on his desk sometime last week. Most of it had to do with an altercation between their 10th chair and several of the eleventh division members…regardless twenty minutes of a good time had resulted in seven days of annoyance for Renji. That was fine however because today was a holiday! His favorite holiday… Pervert day! The fact that it happened to take place on his cold natured, prude of captain's birthday had been a source of mirth for Rukia and himself for years. Yet in the back of his mind he always felt like he was being set up for something….oh well.

"Renji. Do not forget tonight is the official banquet in honor of taichou's birthday." …And Kuchiki-taichou's birthday. Yay two hours of long-winded toasts, well wishes, little alcohol and tiny extremely expensive bad tasting food. He couldn't wait.

The black haired shinigami with pig tails…his unofficial secretary-- recently graduated from the academy…likes the color blue—comeonRenjiyoucanrememberhername.

"It's Chiyo fukutaichou. Annah Chiyo ."

"Ah. Thank you Chiyo-san."

She stepped further into his office, and gave him a slight bow. "Kuchiki-taichou has suggested you leave early to begin your preparations. He asked me to state that it would be a shame if you were to miss any of the banquet due to your duties. "

His brain automatically translated from stuffed shirt asshole to Renjiese: You will not escape ANY part of this boring waste of prime drinking time, like you did for the last three years.

"Ah. Taichou is thoughtful huh." The prick. "Thank you Chiyo-san."

The girl bobbed in his general direction once more and left. Renji sighed and began organizing the crap on his desk. Anyway he didn't need to rush, his clothes for both parties had been placed appropriately.

Kuchiki-taichou's gift had been delivered directly to the mansion earlier that day by courier. Though it was usually the custom to send the gift a week in advance, he had had to reorder his annual over priced tea set bubble—air—glass-- thing (that let's face it Kuchiki wouldn't look at twice or use once because he'd forget about it as soon as he'd open the gift) because the stupid courier had broken the thing in route. By the time a new one could be obtained well day of the party and all that…he'd sent both gifts with two different couriers to the Kuchiki mansion. Red for Rukia green for Byakuya.

Kuchiki Mansion

Rukia bit her bottom lip as the evil harpy nearly dragged her off of her stool with the hairbrush again…it was nii-sama's birthday and only on his birthday did she bother to go through all of this crap. A small smile touched the corner of her mouth. Well…at very least she had something to look forward to tonight. She frowned it was weird everyone's p-day gifts were usually here by now. Maybe one or two people would be late but everyone?

Earlier that day at Kuchiki Mansion

"Kuchiki-sama these gifts have arrived for your celebration but they are addressed to—"

Byakuya continued to walk and read the morning update report. "Put them with the others."

"But-"

"Put them with the others."

"Of course Kuchiki-sama."

What had happened….

"Hey Toyo! I need to stop in here to get something for my girlfriend. Both of these are going to the Kuchiki party right? We both don't need to go to the same place ne?"

"Well—I-I"

"Thanks man I owe you one!" The second courier dropped the green box on top of the red one, didn't notice poor Toyo's stunted protests or the steps after his neglectful coworker he tried to take.

Keyword here being tried—what ended up happening was one step was taken after his neglectful coworker—he trips on his own feet and the boxes go flying. He manages to catch one box—the red one. The other box hits the dirt with the distinct sound of glass breaking and what he can only guess is the loss of his job.

In a mini panic he notices the card attached to the now defunct green box that says 'Kuchiki Byakuya'…he later believes that was the moment he wet himself…

On to the party….

Byakuya had carefully crafted an air of superiority around himself. One would think that air had been created for one of several reasons A.) Because he was truly superior and why not let others know it. B.) He felt like a fraud and the only way he could think of to hide it was behind a veneer of snobbish supremacy C.) He was an asshole. D.) It was the cover he used to protect his kind and generous heart.

C was often subscribed to by the eleventh division, had actually been loudly proclaimed by their leader Zaraki. Or as Byakuya liked to think of him 'The porcupine of doom'.

In reality they were all wrong…yes he was superior naturally. Though it had nothing to do with the title he had been gifted with. A fraud, please. He was honest enough with himself to admit he had moments where the asshole title could apply…as for his bleeding heart—that wasn't even worth mentioning.

No. His reasoning for his air was simple. He disliked smiling—to be a bit more accurate he did not like smiling at people. The reactions he received when he smiled was borderline insulting ranging from shock to absolute terror. Really what did people think he was a mod-soul? If he was in soul society he had to have a soul it was a bit of a requirement.

He sighed (internally), it was his birthday. Whoopie, another year, another party, another tea set from Renji. Vaguely he wondered what this one was going to look like, he rather liked the glowing orange set he'd gotten him last year. Had used it every morning for his private breakfast much to his servants distaste.

"Happy Birthday Kuchiki-sama." Byakuya automatically bowed in acknowledgement of the elderly woman.
She gave him a pat on the head, and a piece of candy before wandering away. Yes, Youko-obaasan she had to be senile by now.
"HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOZE?!"

"Ken-chan! Ice Cream where's the ice cream?!"

"What?"

"Lemony face (Ichigo) said birthday parties had ice cream and cake! I want ice cream!"

Kenpachi's bells jingled, "He meant fun parties. This is for Kuchiki-I-have-a-frozen-fish-crammed-up-my-ass Byakuya no ice cream and cake here squirt. But look that old lady over there is wearing an apple go get a bite."

"YAY!"

Byakuya watched dispassionately as his Aunt Keiko was mauled by the pink menace. Hm. That was the most fun he'd had so far—now where was his vice captain? Ah. There with Rukia of course, he was frowning about something. ..

Things went as they usually did, congratulations on another year of good health, well wishes for more good health.

Renji yawning and looking for escape. Kenpachi snoring.

Someone expounding on fond and boring memories of playing with him as a child.

Yachiru blowing bubbles in a glass of milk. Hitsugaya picking his ear.

Great Aunt Rei acknowledging the wise and strong upholding he had done for the family name.

Kyouraku drinking from a hip flask.

Some random noble talking about his prosperous future.

Soi Fong barely restraining herself from ripping off her pigtails screaming and throwing herself out of the nearest window, if she did he was going with her.

"Now before we adjourn to dinner why not open your gifts Kuchiki-sama?"

"Yay presents!!!" Yachiru dropped her milk onto the floor and bounced over to sit on his shoulder.
"Whatcha get?! Whatcha get?!"

"OW Renji what the hell?" Rukia's voice.

Byakuya watched them out of the corner of his eye, Renji had suddenly gone white and had a death grip on Rukia's shoulder, he'd bent himself nearly double to be even with her ear.

Bland blue eyes widened, suddenly darting over the present table…towards him then back to the present table. Particularly a group of oddly shaped red presents. Interesting.

Renji and Rukia…

Renji had been disappointed when Rukia told him his gift hadn't arrived; now he'd just have to go back to the house and bring the singing vagina. He still might be able to win, though he did wonder what had happened to…his….

"OW Renji what the hell?"

"The presents…"

She followed his eyes to the gift table. "Yea what about—no…"

"Yes." He hissed in her ear.

"Do something!"

"What the fuck do you want me to do?"

"Something! Anything!" Rukia's voice was uncomfortably close to panic.

"Okay he only opens like five gifts everyone ooohs and ahhhs and goes to eat no big deal." Renji stated reasonably.

Rukia smashed that a moment later, " He always opens my gift—your gift and everyone else is random! We have to do something! Where the hell is Ichigo? "

"Gone. He snuck out like twenty minutes ago with Ishida to get the booze for tonight what's up?" Ikkaku strolled up out of nowhere.

"Do any of those red packages look familiar to you?" Rukia asked.

Ikkaku frowned, then squinted at the gift table…squinted some more. Paused. Looked at Rukia. Looked at Renji, calmly pulled a gourd of sake out of his coat and took a long long pull. Wiped his mouth with the back of his hand then finally summed up the situation. "Fuck."

"Not yet. Rukia distract your brother I have a--"

During this little panicked discussion Byakuya had made a bee line straight to the bright red (and oddly shaped) gifts.

It immediately drew the attention of everyone else that had intended to celebrate pervert day…many paled, swallowed hard then calmly(quickly) made a bee line for the door. Masumoto was among these. Kira however was among those that ran over old ladies and those calmly walking towards the door to get out of said door, and off of said property and possibly leave the court of pure souls to start up a new life as a still-life artist. Nemu continued to sip her fruit punch.

Hanatarou began hyperventilating and sweating profusely—then he remembered he was sleeping with Kenpachi (A/N: another story -_- for a day that it won't hurt as much…that might be never.) and was thusly the third safest person in this room behind Yachiru and Kenpachi of course.

BYAKUYA

Byakuya noted all of this as well as Shunsui's suddenly evil grin and Jyuushiro's curious glance. He knew something was up now, he quickly picked out Rukia's gift despite her groan. Renji's , Ikkaku's , Ichigo, and Shunsui's all red. Interesting.

Renji and Rukia

"I'm ending this." Rukia hissed, two fingers extended arm braced.

"No kidou!" Renji hissed back.

"Damn it what do you want me to do?"

Renji watched Byakuya settle down with the five gifts he'd selected placed on the table before him. Yachiru still balanced on his shoulder chattering.

"Open tattoo faces! Open tattoo faces first! Byakushi open tattoo faces!"

Damn that pink haired little demon damn her!

"Ah! Taichou why don't you give someone else a chance ne!" Renji tried for nonchalant—even to his own ears it sounded desperate. Byakuya glanced at him, then picked up his box, and the card attached to the top.

He opened it and read out loud the message that he wrote on every tea set he gave him, " Taichou I hope you enjoy this every bit as much as I did picking it out. Renji."

Renji wasn't sure how he felt as he watched the end of his career be peeled open oh so very carefully or even why his body would not turn around and run away. Maybe just dying would be good...

Byakuya----okay no more headings

Byakuya peeled back the red paper carefully aware of the mixed feelings of panic, anticipation and resignation flowing around him. It was a plain brown box, all of that for another tea—set…not a tea set..

"Ohhh Byakushi what's that?!"

Before Byakuya could close the box back Yachiru had swiped the object out of the box….for all to see.

Renji buried his face in his hands. Rukia went purple--Ikkaku took a long loooong drink. Yachiru moved up to his shoulder and evaded his grasps for…yeah…then finally declared.

"Tattoo face gave you a penis? Don't you have your own penis?"

Kenpachi pulled out a knife and cut off a slice of the silence that was visible in the air, and took a bite out of it…he decided it tasted like despair. He cut off another chunk for later.

Meanwhile in the war for the very lifelike penis Byakuya had finally won and apparently it wasn't just a lifelike rubbery velvet textured testicle having penis…no of course not.

He'd hit a switch almost unnoticeable at the base of the er---testicles. And the opening that normally was NOT used for talking—began to sing...

"Hit me withcha best shot come ooon why dontcha hit me with ya best shot fire awwwaaay!"

Renji choked--and sobbed something about his career.

Meanwhile the thing had stopped singing and started...moaning. "Yeah that's it….yea yea yea!" Not having done anything Byakuya wasn't sure where this was going, but he was not comfortable with it. Especially with all the shaking and moaning it was doing.

"It's a talking penis! Ken-chan! Tattoo-face gave Byakushi a talking penis! Can I have a talking penis!"

"No. Get the fuck over here Yachiru!"

"Kay!"

Byakuya turned it over, "Heres my best shot!" Insert hyena laughter...

Renji froze remembering why exactly he just knew he was going to win this thing. "T-taichou dro-"
"Heeeeeerreeee's pud in your eye!"

What in the world...

That was when the thing reared straight up and then spit with disgusting squirt noises something warm and off-white directly into his face.

Kenpachi took out his knife again and cut off another chunk of the silence. This time it tasted like a mix of despair ,stifled hilarity, and impending doom. He cut off a bigger chunk of that for later.

No one moved for what felt like a very long time, simply watching the substance slide down the side of Byakuya's face. Byakuya noted it was vanilla pudding.

Warm…thick vanilla pudding…then he noted that a fake penis had just spit warm vanilla pudding in his face—at his birthday party. Infront of his family—and fellow captains…and Soi Fong was on the floor clutching her sides laughing. He realized two things right at that moment. One he would never be able to live this down, and two he was now required to kill Soi Fong...and Renji--yes what he had in store for Renji was nine times worse...slowly and completely without expression he turned towards his vice captain.

Renji was still frozen in mortification, and terror. Rukia was finally the one to break the silence.

"Renji…run. Don't stop running I'll hold him back as long as I can!"

He did, making a beeline for the gates...

Unluckly his Captain was faster, and stood waiting for him at the gate. "Renji we need to talk."

I lied this is the last one....Later that night.

"So...you have been celebrating this revolting and offensive 'holiday' on my birthday-"

"Be fair niisama we didn't know it was your birthday till much later..." Rukia supplied handing Ichigo a red wrapped present. He'd pulled Yumi's name. Which basically meant something fruity.

"And you have condoned this?" Byakuya turned to one of several captains in the room. Shunsui had the decency to pretend to be ashamed.

Kenpachi and Soi Fong both shrugged, and took the presents they had pulled. Jyuu looked confused still.

"Wait a minute how many years have you been participating in this? And why am I just being invited?"

"It's the nopru."

"The nopuru?" Byakuya.

"No prude rule."

A/N: Have your own pervert day ^_^