Author's ranting:
Okay... I've got somewhat mixed feelings about this story. It all started as a very short piece were my FemShep muses about her feelings for Liara, after the first encounter on Ilium, but before the Shadowbroker DLC.
It quickly expanded into what you are about to read, all the while constantly being rewritten, because I simply wasn't satisfied with it at all.
I'm still not fully satisfied with it. Ther is too much introspection and too little action in this and basically it is very depressing.
Why does the idiot still post it then? You may ask. The answer is, because it fit the mood. The way Liara acts in ME 2 was a great source of frustration for me, in an otherwise very enjoyable game. In fact I even started ME1 again, to get a Shepard without any ties to Liara, to play ME2 with it.
The SB DLC changed that, but not totally. I still think Liara's actions are strange and the change in her, which seems so profound is then negated almost completely when she and Shep reconcile.
Anyways, as always speech is indicated by""
Thoughts are indicated by "" and written in cursive.
bold is used to emphasise certain things.
I'm still looking for a beta reader for my not NGE connected stories, so if you want to just contact me.
Actionjunkies... there will be some action in later chapters.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, Bioware owns everything! They are the gods of RPG's! I'm nothing! I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!
Stars may fade
Chapter One
Regarding a certain blue-skinned doctor:
It had begun almost instantly, without a warning, without any hint that something like this was possible, even now after so much time had passed since their initial encounter Shepard was still flabbergasted at how fast it had all happened
The moment Shepard's' eyes first fell onto the young Asari archaeologist she felt a desire to protect the beautiful woman (yeah, yeah, Asari are not female, but they are a hell lot closer to being female than to being male, or so Shepard thought).
Seeing her lithe body hanging in the grip of the protean force field, rare sensations and emotions had run rampant in the Spectres' mind.
It was not like she was instantly in love the moment she saw her (at least the N7 Marine told herself so…), but something inside the soldier reacted to the mere sight of the Asari Maiden.
In the beginning, it really felt strange to her. Liara touched a place inside Rain Shepard that the N7 marine had believed to be safely locked away inside her.
Shepard's duty always came first in all her previous relationships (not that you could call it a relationship this early in their meeting), the fate of said affairs never coming into play when duty was concerned.
Ever since she gained her officer commission she had all but abandoned closer ties than friendship, pushing herself into believing it wasn't worth the effort and the possible cost.
That was why it was so totally unexpected.
X
When Saren's Krogan underling had demanded Liara, while the mine collapsed all around them, Shepard instantly denied it, denied it before she even thought of the mission and the Asari's possible importance for it.
Her feelings were protective, almost possessive; Liara was to be kept safe at all costs, under any circumstances.
As always Shepard refused to let her emotions dictate the way she acted. So stopping the Krogan and his Geth underlings had been handled as cold, efficient and detached as possible, so as to exclude any hint that personal emotions were included.
Shooting both of his knees with the sniper-rifle, before getting in close and firing pistol shot after pistol shot into the alien's head until even a Krogan's immense life force was finally drained.
That was Shepard's way, doing everything to protect the weak, the civilians, the innocents, taking out the enemy fast and efficiently, without unnecessary bloodshed or brutality.
Rain might feel anger towards her enemies and sympathy with their victims, but on the other hand, she could not allow herself to get to close to it all.
If she would feel the pain and suffering without a cold and hard protective shell, she would not be able to continue her work, would not be able to protect anymore.
Duty came before everything!
X
Yet with Liara, before they both even partially realized their feelings for each other, there were parts of Shepard's duty that definitely were not as important as the blue-skinned maiden who mixed innocence and intelligence in such a tempting manner.
Of course it wasn't like Rain neglected the „big stuff" like saving and protecting innocents or the fight against Saren and Sovereign, but things like regulations or proper conduct. These things just did not seem as necessary anymore, regardless of how big a part of the Spectre's life they had been before.
On a ship, life- apart from the rare leave- was bound by military regulations and restrictions; everyone around her was either her superior or her subordinate.
At least this was the case on smaller ships where there were only a few officers at all.
These circumstances made any social interaction harder from the get go.
Rain had already experienced this as a kid, growing up on the ship's where her mother held a commission.
That was probably the main reason she fell into this kind of life so easily and never once questioned it.
She just wasn't cut to fall in love with anybody who could pull rank with her and always felt uneasy becoming to close with someone who ranked lower in the hierarchy.
Although she was quite versed in reading people, she never felt sure, whether affection was just pretence to gain some advantages by getting close to a higher ranked officer or whether it was genuine. Or rather in this one instance, she did not trust her senses or intuition, like she usually did .
And starting a relationship with a civilian, someone you would only see once a year, if you could manage to arrange your leave on the right planet or space station…
That was definitely not what she wanted.
She wanted "all or nothing," and if "all" did not work, then "nothing" it was.
xXx
None of this even mattered, none of this accounted for anything, when it came to Liara.
Whenever her gaze lingered on the eye-catching, blue-skinned Extraterrestrial the whole problem receded into the back of her mind, reduced to background rumour, annoying but easy to ignore.
Instead, she was filled with a mixture of peaceful calm and unsated hunger.
A part of her simply screamed to be closer to the shy scientist.
It was awfully hard to concentrate on anything when her eyes met the cerulean orbs, so full of empathy and enthusiasm.
Somehow, Shepard knew from the start she could trust Liara.
This intuitive knowledge and her wish to defend the prothean expert led to some rather harsh, verbal responses when Ashley (still Chief Williams to her back then) openly doubted Liara's intentions and her sincerity.
It didn't take long until at least some others had noticed the change in Shepard and in her behaviour. She was more easy going than ever before and actively tried to get to know her crew better.
Therefore, a woman who had been, by some, considered a cold fish, turned into a caring and attentive superior.
It was not, that she had not been attentive and caring before, it was just the way she went about it, which had changed. It was noticeable now, while before it had been easy to miss.
Some understood it and were happy, like Doc Chakwas who had seen Shepard's aloofness as the one problem in her psychological examinations. Of course, it had merely been a problem for the commander herself, not for the crew or her squad.
Some thought they understood the changes and the reason for it, but did not.
With Alenko it even got so far, that he misinterpreted it as a sign of Shepard's affection for him.
xXx
xXx
Rain would have chuckled at the memory of Kaidan's astonished expression, when he finally found out how wrong he had been in his assessment of her feelings.
She would have, if it were not for the guilt she still felt for her decision on Virmire.
No matter how often she wrestled with it, chances were she'd chosen Ash over Kaidan simply because she liked her more than the human biotic.
Of course, there were other justifications, not the least of it that without Williams the bomb would not have set off and that Shepard knew she needed Ash's fighting skills when the final confrontation with Saren was up.
Liara already was more than Alenko's equal when it came to biotics, even Wrex would have been an alternative if necessary.
But in the end the decision had come from her guts and the fact that Alenko reacted like a troglodyte, when he found out where her interests really lay hadn't exactly been endearing, while she and Ash grew ever closer as friends.
The gunnery chief had abandoned her old xenophobic views and learned to appreciate her non-terran shipmates.
X
Lesbian, heterosexual... she had not even known people still used these labels, certainly not on earth or the spaceports she had visited when she was on leave.
She had definitely expected more open-mindedness from Alenko, especially considering how many people liked to stick labels on human biotic users.
When there were ever more relationships between humans and other species, Asari, Quarians and even Turians and other less human compatible races, what sense did it make to label one's sexuality?
Well, probably old sentiments did not die that easy, or organisations like FOH would not have so many voters and members.
Still it had been a surprise and she resented Alenko for his remarks, even if they were born from a wounded ego.
Who was to say this did not play into her decision.
X
X
To be reminiscing this way about the beginning of her love for the young Asari scientist made one thing perfectly clear.
Yes, Liara had captivated her thoughts from the start.
No wonder just the thought of finally meeting her again made her feel so queasy that she had to calm herself with a shot of brandy.
Shepard stood in front of her small wardrobe and looked sceptically at her mirror image.
A rather tall woman, with a dark skin tone but bright blonde hair, worn in a bob cut with a parting in the hair on the right off the centre
Almond shaped dark brown, almost black almond-eyes, a straight, thin, not extraordinarily sized nose and full lips. Her looks slightly enhanced by decent make-up, although it did nothing to hide the small scar running over her right eye.
A lean, muscled body, well-toned, but shapely enough in the right places.
All of this dressed in a dark uniform.
Shepard had to admit it did not look half-bad. The genetic cocktail of her ancestors (English and German from her father's side, Japanese, and Spanish-Swedish and even a bit of genuine Navajo on her mother's side, if her parents didn't lie) had produced an interesting combination of genetic traits.
Especially her blonde hair was very rare today, ever since the earth had become one big global melting pot of cultures and genes.
"Enough of this! Stop thinking about bullshit like this, when you should be thinking about Liara and your mission. No, about the mission and Liara… Arghh! Who am I kidding? Ever since we docked here, she's all I can think about."
Shepard tried to keep her calm, but it was no use.
"I just want to kiss her, to taste her again, want to hear the longing when she whispers my name. That fresh smell, like... like the sea on a mild summer morning, her warmth. Stars! I miss her so much, I didn't even realize how much until now."
One last nervous glance into the mirror and she practically stormed out of her quarters, stopping just long enough to pick up her hand cannon.
X
"Oh, to hell with you, Miranda! Screw you for forcing me to wear the armour." Shepard thought indignantly.
"As if I couldn't survive one simple walk to her office without wearing a frigging Blood Dragon Armour."
"Shep, what's wrong. I may not be the most apt Turian in regards to reading your soft, squishy human faces, but shouldn't you be more... I don't know... happy? Instead of looking like the cook, after Grunt visited the mess room and kitchen at night?"
"Shh, Garrus, leave her alone. She's grumpy, because she was all dressed up and styled for Liara and then our precious little Cerberus errand girl forced her into this bulky armour."
Shepard sighed in frustration:
"Will you two idiots cut it out? We are not here for your or my amusement, we need information and Liara is supposed to be the best information broker here."
Garrus didn't say anything, but a big smirk decorated his scarred visage.
Tali chuckled quietly.
"Relax, Shepard! Remember that you're her knight in armour, just like in your human fairy tales."
Shepard sighed again. She slowed her pace and turned to look into Tali's faceplate and her gleaming, white eyes beyond it.
"It's not like that, Tali. She even told me so quite a few times; she doesn't want a protector or saviour. She wants..."
"...me, I hope."
She continued quietly into her thoughts.
Tali seemed to stiffen a bit and her head tilted sideways for a moment, before she returned her gaze to Shepard's face.
"I wouldn't mind, so why would Liara..."
The tone of her voice, resigned and a little bit sad, combined with the way her shoulders sagged...
Was Tali still infatuated with her, Shepard wondered? It wasn't like the Spectre had not known about it, yet Tali was very much like a little sister to her, nothing more, nothing less and she really had thought the young Quarian was way over it by now.
Frowning Shepard turned around, there was too much occupying her thoughts right now, she really did not dare to think about this.
"Just ignore it, Rain. She will have to sort this out by herself."
X
Each step closer to Liara's office, each step made her even more nervous, she felt cold sweat dampening her hair and neck and felt cold shivers running down her spine. Again, she cursed Miranda for making her wear the full body armor.
T"he coolant unit must be malfunctioning on the blasted thing."
X
As soon as she was finished here, she would start looking for a lighter armour system. She had heard positive things about the Kestrel Armor, so why not look into it...
"I should ask Kelly to go hunting for one."
Shepard mused for a moment, before reality inserted itself heavily into her thoughts again.
It did not get any better, when the three of them started climbing the set of stairs leading to Liara's antechamber.
So it clearly was no wonder, that her heart thumped in her chest and her blood rushed in her ears so loud that she had problems actually making out what Liara's receptionist told her?
Answering some non-distinct triviality did finally lead to the round metallic door sliding away into the walls and a way into Liara's office.
The young Asari scientist stood with their back to the new arrivals, deep in conversation with some human over the holocom.
Rain didn't hear one word of the conversation, she just listened to the husky voice of her love and admired the way her white and green dress clung to her body and accentuated the shapely curve of her hips.
Some impure thoughts crept into Shepard's mind at the magnificence of Liara's backside.
„Finally! I'm finally here! Please, let this work out. Please!"
Liara's last words rattled a part of Shepard's mind that was still working, something about Asari commandos that sounded terribly familiar.
None of it mattered though, when Liara turned to her and called out her name, with joy emanating through her voice.
"One kiss! One! A kiss. A chaste kiss. A hug. And one shy glance and then all business? What did I do wrong?"
Shepard could not help but wonder. All through the day, all through the following days; when they searched for Samara and Thane; while she was doing these ridiculous hacking jobs for Liara and while she was collecting the clues that led to the discovery of Nyxeris betrayal.
After one final attempt to speak with Liara that netted nothing it was a long walk back to the Normandy and thankfully neither Tali nor Samara tried to talk to the Spectre, leaving her to her thoughts and to her misery.
The way Liara's eyes sparkled, when they met hers. The love she felt in that kiss and… It made no sense; it simply did not make sense.
For the short moment they held each other, it had felt as if nothing had changed.
"…But if she still loves me, why did it turn out like this? I was so sure that… I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to feel."
For the first time in her adult life, Shepard felt her heart break. And it was nothing like when she was heartbroken as a teen, it had felt so tragic back then, but now it was on a totally different level.
Back then, it was as if some part of her relished the misery
She did not even think it was possible to feel this way for an adult. In fact she did not want to think, did not want to feel.
All she wanted was to be with Liara, her Liara and not that cold b... witch she had turned into at present.
Suddenly Shepard was glad she wore the armour, since at least now no one could see her cry.
Just a few tears really, but this was something she did not want anyone to know about her. It did not feel appropriate for the woman she pictured herself to be, to basically cry with self-pity.
X
X
She'd gone and done it again. Why the hell did she go and do it again?
Just what was wrong with her?
Ever since she met Liara on Ilium one such incident followed the other.
It was as if her libido, which had always been in sort of a self-styled lockdown until she met the Asari, was now set into overdrive.
The harmless flirting with Kelly Chambers had turned into a passionate night with her aide, without any plan whatsoever. It just happened..
Kelly, for all her psychological prowess was a beautiful charming girl.
In fact, her reverence for Shepard probably was a reminder for the commander back to the beginning of her relationship with Liara.
True, there was not more than friendship and an erotic attraction between them, but still, the old Rain Shepard (the pre-dying Rain Shepard) would never have done anything like this. Because after all, there was a part inside her that considered what she had done cheating and it was indeed, at least physically.
And Samara? Of course, there was the fact that she was an Asari and a powerful biotic, but there was more than just some superfluous similarities to Liara that drove the marine to the justicar. In a way, Samara and Shepard shared similar beliefs about duty, about priorities. True, the human would never go as far, Samara was merciless, even coldblooded when following her code, while Shepard tried to show compassion as much as possible, almost always choosing the hope for redemption, instead of damnation.
That aside, there was a lot to admire about Samara, not the least her beauty and the loneliness Shepard felt underneath the controlled exterior drove her even closer.
And yet it would never be. Samara had made it clear and Rain was not going to cross her boundaries by pressuring her friend again.
Even if Samara would have been interested in pursuing a relationship, it wouldn't have been fair to do so, not when Shepard herself was not sure how things were with Liara. Not if Shepard still was deeply in love with the prothean expert, turned information broker.
Samara and Kelly might at least be understandable, because almost all of Shepard's affairs and relationships had been with women and to be honest she simply was attracted to beautiful females, but since her rebirth, she did not stop at "being attracted."
Nothing compared to what had happened now though, not only was Garrus a close friend, no, their species were also so different that there probably was not even a possibility for intercourse.
Turians were barely even hominid.
Still she had clearly flirted with him, going so far as to suggest...
No, no, no!
"I must be going totally bonkers to come onto Garrus. There is no attraction, zero chemistry between us. Stars above. He's almost like a brother to me. This feels so wrong. I feel so wrong"
The Spectre paced up and down the floor of her quarter, muttering to herself.
"I have to stop this. This is not like me. This isn't me."
Thank the stars that Garrus had instantly accepted her backing off, her wish to remain just friends, but the level of awkwardness was indescribable.
She had felt the Turian's eyes on her back the whole way from the weapon's station to the elevator, no matter that the door had long since closed behind her, no matter that there wasn't even a line of sight, after she had passed the kitchen.
The incident with Garrus was the last of a long line of shameful actions, which drove the blood into the Spectre's head, making her blush whenever she was reminded of them.
She was checking out Miranda's chest and ass, stealing glances of Jake's barely covered body… It was so embarrassing.
The Spectre felt like a hormone-driven teenager.
Shepherd again started pacing up and down the floor, in this much, much too big cabin Cerberus had forced onto her, and then she stopped abruptly to gaze at the holo of Liara standing on her desk.
Acting on impulse, she ran over to it, picked it up and hurled it across the room, so that it smashed against the wall.
"It's all her fault! Fuck her! Fuck her! Why is she treating me like this?"
"A cold shoulder is nothing compared to how she behaves towards me."
She sadly thought.
Especially considering how sweet, soft and how gentle Liara had been two years ago.
"Damn it, Liara! It's not like I wanted to die! All I wanted was to be with you and our friends on the old Normandy and find a way to beat the reapers.
I wanted nothing to do with Cerberus! I didn't want a body that took months to heal these goddamn glowing scars. Or was filled with Nano machinery"
The Spectre moaned angrily and punched the wall of her cabin so hard, that it hurt even her and left quite the denture in the structure.
"Nothing! One tiny kiss and not word one about us. Nothing!"
Sick of running in circles she let herself fall onto the bed, big enough for two, but never with that warm body beside her, she so desperately wanted to feel.
She wanted Liara cuddled against her chest when she woke up each morning.
Shepard covered her face with her lower right arm, as if to hide the unwanted moisture in her dark brown eyes
"The first human Spectre, the defender against the reaper... and I lie here crying from self-pity... and it's actually not the first time. I wish I would stop the waterworks"
Alas, even the use of her trademark dry sarcasm was no help.
X
She sat up in her bed and let her legs dangle from the edge.
Hunched forward, with her elbows resting on her thighs and her face buried in her hands, staring onto the carpet she spent the next few minutes crying silently. Her inner eye replayed the events, after that short, fucking worthless peck, again and again and even intermingled them with the earlier memories of her encounter with Ashley Williams.
"First I get the boot from Ash on Horizon and now Liara. There must be something wrong with me, if the two people I felt closest too both reject me!"
Shepard jumped back on her feet, not able to sit any longer, due to the pent-up frustration and energy running rampant inside her.
"I still now where my loyalties lie."
That may not have been the words, but this was what they implied.
How could Ash think she was a traitor? Really, Liara at least had her reasons to show her the cold shoulder; however flawed they may be.
At least Shepard hoped she had good reasons.
But what about Ash?
Williams and her both came from similar backgrounds. They both were soldier brats, both with a heavy burden from the past, Ash's family history and the loss of Shepard's unit on Akuse.
"Shit! I can't even count the times I had to haul her lazy ass into the Mako, because she got herself shot or sliced, or cut or whatever.
I can't count how often we saved each other's life and she judges me this easy? She didn't even give me the chance to talk things through with her and that after I saved her ungrateful behind yet again."
X
Shepard knew how ridiculous this whole scenario must seem to a possible witness, to see her run through her room cursing and arguing, with no one around, then brood on the bed, then explode again, but she couldn't help it.
She felt as if something had kicked her feet out from under her and she was now falling down to land in a devastating crash. The turmoil inside her was so big; it burst out with force by the way of her ranting.
The memory of that day was etched into her mind's country, each hurtful doubt and each accusation.
She had kept her calm, had tried to reason with the chief, but Ash was too thick-headed and stubborn to see past her own p-o-v.
It was as if losing half of the colonies' inhabitants had not been bad enough, Ash turned the defeat into something even more personal.
Afterwards, after the chief walked away from the three of them Garrus and even Jack, each in his or her own way had tried to comfort Shepard.
The Turian did so with a (too strong) punch at her shoulder and a biting commentary about Ash's mental capacity.
Jack with a whole wagonload of curses directed at Ash, her ancestors, the Alliance, the Alliance military… She never realized that while Shepard was no longer part of the navy, someone with her background obviously was hit by the remarks as well.
Shepard felt it was the thought that counted, not the as usual screwed way in which Jack chose to show her support.
Thank the stars that she at least still had Garrus and Tali, Joker and Dr. Chakwas.
X
When Shepard regarded what she had lost, since she died and what was left of her "assets," she couldn't help but feel cheated.
The new squad was fine; each in his or her own way and Shepard had already begun to feel friendship for Samara, Miranda, Kasumi and Jack. Zaed was a different story, but thankfully, the desire to throw him out of the airlock while in portal transit had subsided a bit.
The crew consisted of Cerberus members, yet she couldn't name one who wasn't loyal to her or did not do his or her best to help their mission.
And still… somehow the losses seemed to count higher.
Kaidan was dead, lived Wrex happily leading his clan. Ashley hated her guts. And Liara… Liara…
It was not fair, in no way was it fair…
In her dreams, the Spectre still remembered how she fought for life, slowly suffocating, helplessly fumbling to fix her leaking air supply. Her last thoughts had been of the young Asari, how much she regretted not being able to spend more time with her.
Rain died and was forced back to life by Cerberus' procedure and though she wasn't exactly sad that it happened, she couldn't help but feel betrayed that so many people were angry at her for it, as if any of it had been her decision.
"Maybe I should have told them to kill me again. Maybe that would have been more acceptable."
Wearily Shepard lifted herself of her bed and moved to kneel beside the broken remains of Liara's holo.
She sifted through them for a moment until she found the memory chip, thankfully still intact.
Leaving the cleanup for later, she ventured out of her room, the chip clutched tightly in her hand.
"Tali... yes Tali can fix it."
X
X
A. N.
I hope this was at least a bit entertaining.
I don't know, I can't help it, I'm just not satisfied with it.
It may be that at a future point in time I'll just rewrite this story totally.
Allright, please review, we author's get the energy to write through your reactiosn to out work.
Critizice me as much as you like, I'll deal with it, perhapbs I might learn from it.