The Meretricious Matchmaker

I hate the weak.

And by extension that includes weak Pokémon, which I seem to have a surfeit of. I am eagerly looking for a chance to upgrade my team, because I have been bested three times by my annoying rival Lyra. The first time was outside Cherrygrove city, then again near Ilex Forest and finally in the Burned Tower.

It is bad enough that she is a girl, but even worse she is an intolerable one. For instance, her sense of fashion is alarmingly terrible. Her hat looks like a fluffy marshmallow for goodness sakes. Not to mention the fact that she is incredibly unrealistic or "optimistic" as she might call it. Even worse, she dogmatically insists on treating her Pokémon with kindness and love. Talk about an insufferable girl!

However, the buck stops here. I refuse to rest until I decisively triumph over that girl in a Pokémon battle.

Earlier this morning, I overheard two old men talking near Slowpoke Well and they said that there is a legendary Pokémon that lives in Ilex Forest. To my way of thinking, if I can catch that legendary Pokémon, then I can easily triumph over Lyra in a Pokémon battle. Everyone knows that legendary Pokémon are super powerful and it's that kind of power that I need to infuse my team with.

The problem is that I've been walking around Ilex forest all day and I still haven't found the elusive beast. To be honest, I don't know what I am looking for but I figure that I will recognize it when I find it. After a long and fruitless search, I began to feel extremely tired, so I decided to quickly rest my eyes.

After a few seconds, I quickly nodded off to dreamland. Curiously enough, I started to have the dream about Lyra in a revealing blue bikini.

It was the same dream every time: a dream as enchanting as it was disturbing; as alluring as it was sinister. Essentially, Lyra and I have a race on the beach. She jumps out to an early lead and it becomes apparent that I have no hope of catching her.

Then, to make matters worse, a pink ball of light appears behind me. The glistening orb hunts me down, like a heat seeking missile, and my vision fades to white.

When I open my eyes, I am alarmed to find out that I have turned into a Pichu. At that point, Lyra stops running, picks me up, and carries me across the finish line.

I absolutely hate how that dream makes me feel and I absolutely love how that dream makes me feel. It makes me feel terrible and fantastic, all at the same time.

On one hand, I hate how weak and helpless I am in the dream. I have always held a special disdain for anything weak and there are few things weaker than a baby Pokémon. The only person that you can depend on in life is yourself and if you're weak then you certainly have to depend on others, which is humiliating and awful.

On the other hand, Lyra's touch feels so good- the dream feels so real. To be honest, my mind is vacant when she is touching me. It's like she is transmitting little balls of ecstasy that explode upon contact with my skin.

I always feel this way about the dream: bad enough for me to feel guilty when I wake up but not bad enough for me to want it to stop.

Quite frankly, that dream is the guiltiest of pleasures and no one can know about it- ever.

To my surprise, I was awakened by impudent laughing. I scanned around for the clamorous culprit and started to reach for my Pokeballs in preparation for a battle.

"Put your Pokeballs away," a tawdry feminine voice said. "You don't have the power to defeat me."

"Who are you?" I exclaimed. "And why are you laughing at me?"

All of a sudden, there was a brilliant flash of light and a green pixie like Pokémon appeared in front of me. I recognized that Pokémon as Celebi, the defender of the forest; a Pokémon that is as rare as it is powerful.

I know that this is the Holy Grail: the legend the chatty old men had been talking about. If I could get my hands on Celebi, then I would be one of the most powerful trainers in Johto.

"Stop thinking you can catch me," the pixie snickered. "If I wanted to, I could disappear right now and you would never see me again."

"How are you talking to me," I demanded, undoubtedly in a daze by the surreal events that were taking place.

"Well I am using telekinesis," Celebi said." It allows me communicate my thoughts to you and it also allows me a glimpse or two inside your head".

"Don't you think that's a little private?" I retorted, all the while hoping that this surly Pokémon didn't see my embarrassing dream about Lyra.

"Silver," the legendary Pokémon said, casually saying my name as if we were good friends meeting over coffee.

"What?" I asked, shocked by the casualness of this conversation.

"I like meddling. I'm kind of like of those kids from Scooby Doo but instead of meddling in petty crime, I meddle in people's love lives. Now, care to explain your inappropriate dream about Lyra.

This was dire. I had been found out- by a Pokémon no less. Celebi has a look in her eye that tells me she wants more information. I figure I better start asking the questions before she does.

"What are you talking about?" I responded. "How do you know Lyra?"

"Well," Celebi said, "I saw her pass through the Ilex Forest a few weeks ago. She's a very attractive girl and I can see why you like her."

"I would never like a silly girl like that," I countered. "I mean she wears a marshmallow on her head.

"You want to feed her marshmallows in bed," Celebi smirked. Undoubtedly, Celebi had heard me correctly the first time but she pretended to misunderstand me in order to bring color to my cheeks. Her ploy was more than a little successful.

"Look, you're fiercely blushing" Celebi laughed. "I knew you liked her."

Although I possibly had a small crush on Lyra's body, the attraction stopped there. She would always be weak because she had a penchant for protecting weak things. If I was anything more than a rival to her, then I would become weak by association, which was unacceptable.

"I don't like her," I forcefully told Celebi. Hopefully my adamant tone would convince the pixie.

"Well," Celebi mischievously said; I must be the one that likes her. I am the one that is having a dream about in her a revealing bathing suit and I am the one that says her touch are like little balls of ecstasy.

"Now listen here you insolent green fairy," I spat. "I never said that."

Celebi started to shake her head. "I can read your mind," she taunted. In all my years of matchmaking, I have never seen someone repress such potent feelings of physical attraction."

This entire evening was getting stranger and stranger. Setbacks included, I was still face to face with one of the most powerful Pokémon in the Johto, and so I couldn't say that the evening was a complete waste. However, this Celebi seemed more interested in helping me kiss Lyra then beat her in a Pokémon battle. I would much rather engage in the latter. At best the former endeavor was for dreamland, not for reality.

Celebi started to fly around in a circle as if she was puzzled about something. "So Silver, tell me on a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest, where would you rate Lyra's physical attractiveness?"

I looked at the Time Travel Pokémon. This had to be a dream. Although I possibly favored her sporty body type, I still could never get past that weak, vacillating, "caring" personality of hers.

"I don't like her," I yelled, as if raising my voice would convince the pixie. Unexpectedly, Celebi started to chuckle.

"Then how do you explain your dream," Celebi asked in a voice that was sincerely interested in an honest answer.

Celebi's point was valid and that made the situation all the more frustrating. My guilty pleasure, my intimate dreams of Lyra, had been discovered and I felt incredibly vulnerable.

"I don't know and I don't care," I said. "I never would like someone who has such unbridled sympathy for the weak."

At that moment, Celebi eyes became saucers, as if she was struck with a flash of inspiration. Regardless, I had bided my time long enough; it was time to make this critical capture.

"I'm going to catch you and that's the bottom line," I told Celebi. At that moment, I reached for the pokeball holding my Quilava. I knew grass was weak against fire and I figured that Quilava would give me the best chance for a successful capture.

"You still think that you can catch me," Celebi said with a disappointed sigh. At that instant, I couldn't move my arms any longer and I realized that Celebi was using a psychic attack on me.

"In case you don't understand, I am the one running this show," Celebi said. "Do you think that I woke you up because I wanted to be captured by a novice trainer?"

"Novice," I yelled, screaming so loud that I scared a flock of Pidgey out of a nearby huge oak tree.

"Well I didn't," Celebi said rather smugly. I woke you up so I could help you out with stagnated love life. However, you won't even acknowledge that you like the girl you are having sexy dreams about.

"The dream wasn't that sexy," I countered.

"We both know her bathing suit was a size too small. And I seem to remember a certain Pichu who's mommy must have never told him that starting at girls breasts is rude," Celebi taunted.

For the second time in the evening, my face betrayed me and I blushed fiercely.

"I don't like her," I insisted, although my red cheeks were probably not helping my argument.

Celebi, being so in touch with nature, was a creature who thrived on physical signals. She seemed to take immense pleasure in my second blush and responded by making repeated puerile kissing noises.

"I would never like someone so weak," I insisted. I mustered up my premium frown, to show Celebi that I was indeed serious. If my premium frown didn't deter the pixie then nothing would.

Celebi actually seemed offended, or possibly disturbed, by my premium frown. However, she did have access to the innermost reaches of my mind, so it is all together possible that she was being facetious. The Pokémon gingerly squeezed her fingers as if she believed that that my response was impossible.

"You like her in your dreams," Celebi candidly pointed out. Why is such a leap of faith to think that you will like her in real life?"

"A dream is a dream and reality is reality," I said adamantly.

"What if I blur that line?" Celebi countered with a puckish grin.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Let's say that I make you a Pichu," Celebi said with an ominous, impish and almost sinister smile.

Somehow, I understood that smile all too well. That smile meant Celebi was concocting a twisted plan. That smile meant I was going to become a weak baby Pokémon. That smile meant that Lyra was going to find me in a state of unprecedented weakness. That smile meant that I would find out first hand if Lyra's touch was like little balls of ecstasy. All of a sudden, I didn't feel so good. Still, I had to maintain my poker face.

"I'm never going to say I like her," I told Celebi plainly. "You are grossly underestimating my willpower."

Celebi responded with more infantile kissing noises and a worn joke about kissing in a tree.

Before I could impart with some not so nice words, Celebi started to make a pink energy sphere. Just like in my dream, she launched the radiant pink orb at me and everything faded away to whiteness.

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