Title: The Royal Commandments
Author: Jammeke
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Rating: K
Summary: The Royal Commandments, authored by Aro, co-authored by Marcus and Caius. When Aro launched this list of rules on the Internet, he did not contemplate the 'react' button at the bottom of the page. How did the vampire community react?
The Royal Commandments
1. We are the Volturi your leaders
a. Because we say so.
b. And our word is just.
(Is it? You almost had us killed, and you were wrong… - Bella)
(Bella, love, do not provoke them – Edward)
(Edward, they have done nothing but threaten us so far… - Bella)
(That's not true. You just didn't notice Jane almost castrated you because of your shield – Amun)
(Actually, there might be other reasons why she didn't notice that; such as the lack of certain body parts – Edward)
2. Thou shall have no other royal coven before us
For we are the only true royal family on Earth.
(I beg to disagree. And I bet the British Royal Family does, too – Carlisle)
3. Thou shall not make for thyself an Immortal Child
(So we're not allowed to make an Immortal Child? Does that mean we can make two? – Rosalie)
a. In fact, thou shall not make any Immortal Children for thyself at all.
(Does that mean we can make Immortal Children for someone else? – Emmett)
b. - or for anyone else, for that matter.
(How about adopting one? – Alice)
c. Immortal Children are not to exist. Thou are not to be seen interacting with them, giving birth to them, or adopting them.
4. Thou shall not disgrace your kind
a. By taking the word 'vampire' in vain.
b. Or by watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
5. Thou shall not mention thy true nature to mere humans.
(Can we at least write about who we are? – Esme)
(And on what planet would thou have thy notes published? – Caius)
(Actually, I was thinking of starting a diary… - Esme)
(As long as thou do not post thy notes on Twitter, thou should be fine – Jane)
6. Thou shall not kill more than two mortals a night
a. We do not wish to rouse suspicions.
Excess weight has reached epidemic proportions globally, with more than 1 billion adults being either overweight or obese. We do not wish to follow in the footsteps of mere mortals.
7. Thou are not to keep humans as pets
(We are not a sadistic species. Thou are to kill thy victims instantly – Marcus)
(We're not allowed to play with our food? – Vladimir)
(Thou are not – Aro)
(How about keeping them alive for a little while longer… take a sip every now and then? – Stefan)
a. Thou are not to start a laying battery.
8. Thou shall only play baseball during thunderstorms
a. Do not even try to deceive us.
b. It will not be the ball but thou who will be sailing through the air if we find out thou play the game illegally.
9. Thou are not to participate in the Olympic Games
a. And neither shall thou audition for Idols or X-factor.
b. Or participate in Dancing with the Stars.
10. Thou shall not step out into the sunlight
(Not even in my own backyard? – Tanya)
(Thou live in Alaska. Why would thou go outside? – Heidi)
(Heidi? Who's Heidi? – Bella)
(I think… She's a member of the Royal Guard. But I didn't see her when the Volturi came to Forks last year, even though they claimed to have taken their entire Guard with them... Where were you, Heidi? – Alice)
(I fell into a plot hole - Heidi)
-(0)-
The end