Disclaimer: I do NOT own Fruits Basket... I respect it too much to let it fall into the wrong hands...

STORY TIME WITH TOHRU!

By: Mei-sama

It has been a long day, even though it's only like... 1:30. I am bored at the moment so, I decided I'd make the characters of Fruits Basket to stupid things. Not that they don't already do stupid things, but now I'll expose it to the world! I'm a very bad person, I know, but sometimes you just can't resist the urge to expose someones internal idiocy. So, here I go!

Shigure, Tohru, Yuki, and Kyou were all gathered at the table for a family meeting, including Tohru, of course. Once everyone was seated, silence took over. There were a few coughs here and there, and the occasional scratching of Kyou, whom Yuki thought had flees.

"Okay, now that I've offically completed five minutes of silence, I'll resume to the task at hand." Yuki and Kyou seemed a bit concerned at the writer's wierd antics, and Tohru only smiled. Bless her huge over reactive heart. I'd have said more, but I really need to continue now.

"And what exactly is the task at hand?" Yuki asked in his usual 'Prince Yuki' way. Shigure looked utterly lost for a moment.

"What? Task at hand?" He asked, innocently. Or as innocently as he could muster. He is the perverted one, ya know. Yuki sent a very threatening glare his way, but Shigure still looked utterly lost. Kyou decided to take it from there.

"Well, since you have absolutely NO FREAKING IDEA what you're doing, I'd like to take the time to inform this God forsaken family, plus Tohru," Tohru gave a little squeal of delight. "That I don't like you. Any of you, plus Tohru." Tohru's squeal became a small cry and tears formed in her abnormally large blue eyes. Yuki shook his fist in Kyou's face.

"How DARE you say such things in front of Miss Honda, you stupid cat!" Kyou only sat there picking something out of his ear, seemingly uninterested in whatever Yuki was ranting about.

"What ever..." Kyou replied. Yuki let out a frustrated, and very girly, sigh and held up his hand as if trying to say, 'Talk to the hand, because the rat ain't listening', but of course, Yuki had pride, or at least I think that's what he has... OO

"Could we not fight please?" Tohru pleaded, even after the fight had ended. And it wasn't even really a fight, more like a... squabble, er something... Yuki turned his attention to Tohru and, all of a sudden, became very upset.

"I'M SORRY!" He yelled, very much like Ritsu, only Ritsu would've kept going and eventually come to a conclusion that he should kill himself so he wouldn't steal valuable air or something. We all know it to be true...

"It's okay you don't have to apologize to me, Yuki!" Tohru looked utterly confused as she was not the one who had said that. Instead, Shigure was holding Yuki's hands and crying melodramatically. "You're so sweet you idiot you!" Yuki snatched his hands away and slapped Shigure hard on the... sh-shoulder. Yes, the shoulder. If he'd slapped him on the face, he'd be jepardising the very excistence of his pride. If... if he had any.

"Murr..." Everyone turned to see Kyou patting at the table. It would have lead to interesting thoughts as to why he was doing that, but he answered for them. "I just can't seem to hurt water... I mean, WHAT is that!" He yelled. Yuki and Tohru, minus Shigure, whom was looking at his shoulder cursiously, looked at Kyou as if he'd had sprung a second head, filed a lawsuit against George Bush for 'supposedly stealing' his unhealthly amount of catnip, and declared himself president of clown country while claiming to be Cher's long lost twin. Unlikely, yes, but you know it might happen!

"What?" Tohru asked blankly... Hehe, like her head. I know she's a good person, but could anyone really be that freaking clueless! Carrying on...

"The water won't DIE!" Kyou began wildly wrapping at the table in a futile attempt at hurting the small ring of water caused by his tea cup. Where his tea cup went? The world may never know... But just to get it off my chest, I'll tell you anyway. It was a few centimeters away from the table, neatly placed at Kyou's side. And it was a faithful cup, too. It stayed right where Kyou had left it. I wished I had a cup like that...

"Kyou, you can't hurt water." Yuki said bluntly. Tohru became suddenly frantic.

"Don't say that, Yuki! It's not true and if you say it, it'll make you a liar and I don't want you to be a lair!" Yuki stared blankly at the frantic riceball, who's really a human, then looked suddenly curious.

"So... You're saying you can hurt water? Miss Honda?" Tohru nodded frantically. Kyou and Shigure became interested and soon, the walls lifted to reveal a new set. They all moved to the large ruby chair, which Tohru sat on, and all of the Zodiac members came the hear Tohru's adventure with water. Now, Tohru sat in the chair with a book on her lap, and the others sat around her. This included: Shigure, Kyou, Yuki, Haru, Momiji, Hatori, Ayame, Ritsu, Hiro, Kisa, Kagura, Kureno, Rin, and Akito. Yes, even Akito pulled his lazy abutt out of that house to come hear Tohru's magnificent tale.

"Okay, so long ago" Poor Tohru was suddenly interupted by Hiro and his obnoxious little self.

"How can it be long ago? You're only, like, 16, right? That could only be at least ten years ago, since you really don't look like the person who was born with brains"

"SHUT UP, THIS IS MY STORY!" Hiro suddenly became very angry, but no one knew why. Kisa put her hand on his shoulder and he instantly shut up. Bless our little tiger princess! She's so cute... And so Tohru continued... "Now, a while back, me and my mother" Again Tohru didn't get to finish.

"It's ' my mother and I.'" Hatori corrected. "You have very bad grammar, Tohru. I suggest Hooked on Phonics..."

"Already got it. Can I continue NOW!" Everyone nodded, but Hatori and Hiro. They just looked annoyed. "Okay, so we were making tea. I had to go out side to pick strawberries for the brew" Again. You know.

"You don't have to go outside to pick strawberries for the brew. There's no such thing as strawberry tea!" Rin spoke up this time. Stupid Horse, Tohru thought, then pulled out a conviently placed remote and pressed one of the sixteen buttons. Rin shot up in the air, along with her jet propelled cushion, and went right out the, again, conviently placed roof window. Then, remembering Hatori, sent him up with the press of a button as well. The others all turned to a widely grinning Tohru.

"Anyone else!" She shrieked. Everyone shook there heads and listened intently. Even Hiro. "Good, okay, so we had strawberry tea. But before we had the tea, we had to boil the strawberries"

"EW!" Came a sudden scream. Everyone turned to the doomed and it turned out the be... who don't I want there... AH, Yes! Kureno. Since I don't know him, like Rin, I shoot them away, to make it easier for myself. Tohru held up the remote, death written all over her face, and pressed another one of the sixteen buttons. Kureno was sent through the roof window screaming like a little girl getting mobbed and Tohru was once again happy. Everyone was getting scared.

"Okay, so the water was boiling, right and"

"RIGHT, the water was boiling, COOL!" Came a girly voice, everyone instantly knew who the misfortunate one was now. Momiji stood up and hopped up and down on his mat. "So, then, what happened!" Tohru went into a rage and pressed two buttons at once in a desperate attempt at getting rid of the rabbit. Soon, Kagura was sent through the roof, screaming a last 'I LOVE YOU, KYOU!' Momiji wasn't so lucky. Since he was standing on the cushion, it went up and he fell on his face. He tried to make a run for it, but the cushion came back and carried the rabbit away. Tohru smiled as victory was once again hers, and there was only nine Sohmas left, plus her, and there was still eleven buttons left...

"So, the water was boiling and suddenly there was a voice. My mother and I knew it had to be the water, so we"

"What! Water doesn't talk!" Hiro spoke up and Shigure patted his back sympathetically. Tohru pulled out her remote of doom and pressed the sixth button. Hiro flew through the roof, but not before first hitting the ceiling, hard, on the way out. Kisa, then, started crying. I know it's a bit dark to do this, but for the sake of this plot line, Tohru pressed the seventh button and Kisa flew away with a trailing scream, but the truely unnatural part was that a rainbow followed her, then disappeared and glitters rained over them. Ritsu was fascinated by the glitter and reached to touch it, when Tohru pressed the eighth button and Ristu gripped his cushion tightly as he blasted away screaming, 'I'M SORRY!' Tohru was satisfied with the silence, but didn't notice that there was only six Sohmas left, including her.

"So, we listened to the water and it said: 'Ow, how can you treat me so! It hurts!' and then it died." She looked around and smiled when no one interupted her, but suddenly fumed when she saw Akito laying on his mat looking like he was stuck in a crowed booth, full of screaming six year olds, in Chuck-E-Cheese's waiting for the rat himself to walk on the stage and yell, "Hey kids! Lets all act like idiots andOh, sorry... Back to the story then... Tohru looked very unhappy, and she pulled put the remote of doom and pressed the ninth button. This surprised Akito so much, he gripped the floor with his hands and feet while the cushion tried to lift him by his abdomin.

After a few minutes of the cushion getting angry and Akito having a hissy fit, they both left. Only after Akito and the cushion made a deal that if the cushion took Akito to America to help him dethrone Bush, then the cushion would be used to seat Halle Berry's butt when Akito kidnapped her from the set of her new movie, "I'm a Girl Who Likes This One Guy, Whom I Don't Know the Name of and I Met Him Yesterday While Standing In Line To See 'Dairy of a Cold Person, Because I Live in Antarctica...'" Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. So, Akito left with his evil cushion, and there were only five Sohmas left, including her.

"So the water died, but before he did, vowed that one day he'd get his revenge. So then, my mom decided we were going to the beach, and when"

"Oh, the beach! So what was your mom wearing? And Tohru, you little vixen, what were you wearing?" The perverted questions were indeed initiated by Shigure, but instead of Tohru grabbing the remote of doom, Kyou got it and pressed the button, sending Shigure through the roof, all the while Shigure had a perverted smile. He could only imagine what they were wearing...

Unfortunately for Kyou, Tohru snatched the remote away and screamed, "That's my job!" And with that, Kyou was sent away as well. And just because Ayame was giving jealous looks, she sent him away too... It was all down to Yuki, Haru, and Tohru...

"So, when we went there, a huge tsunami came and said: 'ROAR!' and then my mom said: 'I don't like you' and then it swallowed her up and she died a horrible death... So, then"

"Wait a minute, I though you mom died in a car crash. What the heck kind of story is that when it's not evenTRUE!" Haru was whisked away on the cushion with the touch of a button. Only Yuki sat quietly on his cushion under the large shadow of Tohru, Almightly Keeper of the Remote of Doom. So she happily continued.

"So then, my mom came back to life and that's the end." Yuki stared in utter confusion. Tohru smiled in triumph. "What do you think?" Yuki shrugged it off and smiled.

"I loved it, it was a wonderful story full of drama and dramatic twists. A truely inspiring tale, Miss Honda, but one can only wonder..." Tohru tilted her head to one side in question.

"Yes, Yuki? Wonder about what?" Yuki pulled the remote from her hands.

"Why does this remote have sixteen buttons when there were only fourteen Sohmas that came?" Tohru frowned. A while later she took the remote and pressed another button. Yuki was gone. She smiled, proud of herself, then stood up and stretched, completely frogetting the remote that fell on her chair. When she finished, she sat down and, unfortunately, didn't hear the small clicking noise and WAM! Out she went, leaving nothing but a chair without the cushion and a lone remote. Unknowingly, she sat on two buttons, the last buttons. One was for herself, only God knows why there was a button for her, but meanwhile...

Somewhere, far, far away, President George W. Bush flew out of his seat in the White House, screaming like a constipated baby, and Akito, seeing this, yelled out victory and he and the cushion slowly made their way into the White House...

But that's another story. Just hope it isn't Tohru who tells you...

THE END

Yes, that was fun. I hope you liked it. You know? That took a LOT of math... Counting all those characters? Diff-i-cult! Anyways, thanks for reading! And if you don't mind, maybe a little review on the side...