James holds my hand tightly as we steer through the halls on our way to Charms. I glance at his pale brown eyes and tousled hair, features that I have learned to love. His eyes meet mine and he smiles slightly. I smile back, then turn away abruptly. It reminds me too much of Sirius, of the secret smiles we shared in Charms and the twilight meetings by the lake. We both knew James would kill him if he found about us, so we kept it hushed up. The memory of how it started is as clear as day.

I had liked Sirius for some time now. Our sixth year was drawing to a close, and I was studying for an Arithmancy Quiz by the lake at night, to get away from the constant boy themed chatter of my dorm. I was so engrossed in my work that I did not notice when Sirius sat down beside me, quiet as a mouse. I continued studying until I turned around to get another book and then- HE was there. A blush spread up my cheeks immediately and I hated myself for it. Why does he have this effect on me? ItLily, James wants to talk to you in the common room. Donm just a messenger...Well tell HIM that I am sick and tired of him and he should GIVE UP ON ME ALREADY!t come to talk to me, like I hoped he would. He came to deliver a message, as was no point in liking him, he didnAnd tell him that I HATE that his voice was almost a whisper. He walked up behind me in the twilight, the black water of the lake rippling behind me as I turned around. I was struck by how amazing Sirius looked at that one moment. His dark eyes bored into mine. The pine needles crunched under my feet as I walked toward him as if in a trance. He stopped, and I did too, mirroring him.

He told me, trailing off as I shoved my books into my bag.

I said, trying to be strong against his gaze.

And as he walked closer to me, I had the uncontrollable instinct to walk away. We were now face to face.

And then he kissed me. I responded violently, working my lips against his as we collapsed on the ground. This was just too good to be true. He ran his hand through my hair as we broke apart, both breathing heavily. He looked at me as though he was seeing for the first time, and I almost melted.

he shouted, picking me up in the air and twirling me around. I felt almost giddy as he kissed me again.

He yelled, facing the castle .

And in that moment, I wanted to yell to the world that Sirius loved me all this time... to shout to Potter and my family and my parents... and in that moment, I felt whole.

That was the best part of my entire life at Hogwarts. We decided to keep it quiet, as James would never forgive him. It lasted for a glorious year and then, well, I made the worst choice I could ever have. I left Sirius for James this year. I thought I was missing something, what, I do not know. That was the first time I ever saw him cry, when I told him it was over. He kissed me one last time, and then I sprinted away, so I wouldn't see him break down. He was the best thing I ever had, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, James was meant for me. I saw the way he watched me, filled with longing. I am with him now, and I have learned to love him over this time. Every once in awhile I see Sirius and I always excuse myself. It is too painful to see the mess I made in our relationship. As I walk, hand in hand with James, I glance at Sirius behind me as he talks with Lupin. I am pierced with the hollow feeling that is permanently nested in my heart. I finger the letter in my pocket. I will give it to him soon. Maybe giving the letter to him will help our wounds heal.

Dear Sirius,

I am sorry, Sirius. All I have is regret for what I did that night, February 5th. It was the hugest mistake, and you probably hate me for it. I would if I were you. Just know that I... I still love you. I will ALWAYS love you. To me, you are not I have so much regret... To me, Sirius, You will always be the one that got away.

Love,

Lily

Maybe I can live with James. Maybe I CAN be happy. But I will always miss what I had last year, and Sirius, with his beautiful eyes and a smile that can light up the sky, will always be the one that got away.