Never Alone
A/N: So this fic was inspired by another fanfic I read called Role Reversal by whativebeenwaitingfor. I thought it was a really intriguing idea, to have Rose and Caledon switch places, and also I think it would be nice if there was more slash in Titanic fanfiction. So I ended up writing this. Although this is just pre-slash, covering the first time Jack laid eyes on Caledon and Caledon's suicide attempt.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, just a fan of the movie.
Know that your cold and hurting soul is never alone...Never Alone – 3JS
Jack was enjoying the warmth of the sun as he sat on a bench, drawing in his leather bound sketching pad. It was his most precious possession and he was fond of all the drawings he had created using the pages of the sketchpad and charcoal. The sketch he was drawing now was of a father, who stood supporting his little daughter as she stood on the lower rung of some railings. It was a warm family scene and Jack was content when he viewed the finished sketch, feeling like he had captured their bond perfectly. Behind him, he vaguely heard his friend Fabrizio talking to another man about the ship.
Jack only looked up from his sketch when he heard the man make a scathing comment about the first class. The man was glaring at two porters who were walking some dogs around the deck. The man had an Irish accent, curly hair and a scowl on his face that did not detract from his good looks. Jack eyed him appreciatively, but he could already tell this man was not like him and besides he was not Jack's type. Still, he responded with a wry comment. It would be nice to make a new friend. The man replied to Jack's comment, then introduced himself to Jack and Fabrizio as Tommy Ryan. Jack glanced across the deck and upwards, his gaze settling on a handsome dark haired man who was standing at the railing of a higher deck. There was a good distance between them, the man standing in a position high above his own. The man was dressed in a tailored grey suit, every strand of hair on his head kept neatly in place. He had fine hazel eyes and carried himself with a proud, arrogant air. He was definitely from the first class, and likely a few years older than Jack was. Jack found himself captivated by this attractive stranger. He wondered what the man was thinking about, as he saw the man's gaze was focused on the water that lay below.
Jack did not notice Fabrizio nervously look at Jack and then at Tommy. The Italian man was relieved to see that Tommy's eyes were once again trained hatefully on the sight of the dog walking porter. Fabrizio knew that Jack was a free spirit, and he also knew that Jack was attracted to men. It was fine with Fabrizio, who thought of Jack as the cheerful, daring younger brother he had never had. Besides, he had been reassured by Jack that he was not interested in Fabrizio. A fact that made Fabrizio feel relieved but also slightly affronted, although he was not quite sure why. Although Fabrizio did not care about Jack's choice of bed partner, he knew he was only one of a select few who did not care. It would be very dangerous for Jack if anyone else found out. Jack was usually careful, discreet about his taste in men, but Fabrizio could tell there was something about this man that was different. He had not seen Jack so easily lose track of his surroundings before, and it worried him. He had the sense that something would go wrong, and it would be Jack who would end up in trouble.
Jack was surprised when the man's gaze shifted and fell on him. He was embarrassed to be caught staring, but that did not stop him. Jack could simply not tear his eyes from the dark haired man. The man looked away, which made Jack feel disappointed, but that disappointment faded away when the man suddenly looked at him again. Perhaps there was something there. If the man had not been interested at all, then he would not have looked again. Then Jack saw a beautiful young lady in a gown which was covered in lace appear behind the man. Her vibrant red hair was pinned up with a few curls framing her face. She rested a hand onto the man's arm, and spoke to him. The man pulled his arm away from her, and although Jack could not hear what they were saying it was clear they were having an argument. Eventually the man appeared to give in to her demands, and he stormed away, with the young lady following him.
"You must forget about him" Fabrizio urged Jack, although he could tell Jack was not listening to him. "It would never work..."
Caledon sat in the first class dining saloon, surrounded by his fiancé Rose, his soon to be mother in law Ruth, and other acquaintances. Everyone was deep in conversation or busy eating, apart from him. He was not paying attention to what anybody was saying. He felt like he was trapped. As he stared down at his plate of food, he could envision the life he had ahead of him and it filled him with nothing but gloom. Of course, being a Hockley, it would not do to show such a feeling to the world. He had to put on an act, become someone he was not, so his family would be proud of him and the Hockley name would be safe from scandal. So little was under Caledon's control now.
When Caledon reached his bedroom, later that night, he just stood there staring at himself in Rose's large vanity mirror.
It was getting harder and harder to keep up with all the lies. And he suddenly wondered if it was worth it. The lies would never stop, and he would be stuck in this life forever. He hated himself in that moment. Hated the fact that he was a coward, that he was too weak to live how he truly wanted to live. Something in Caledon snapped, and he tore at his suit with vicious hands, ripping the buttons on his waistcoat and yanking off his dinner jacket and tie. He dragged a hand through his hair, feeling gel underneath his fingers as he mussed up the strands so they lay hanging in disarray around his face. He found that his outburst was not enough to quell his sudden rage, and he used an arm to sweep everything off the dresser. It made a terrible crashing sound, and then Caledon picked up Rose's hand mirror and flung it at the vanity mirror. The mirror cracked then, and Caledon felt like he and the mirror would share the same fate. He would crack into many pieces though. Shatter into a million tiny pieces and nobody would care.
Caledon could not stand to be in the bedroom, and so he ran out of there. He kept running, until he was on deck again, in the cold night air. As he ran, he noticed a passing couple stare at him as he passed. They were likely shocked at his dishevelled appearance, and behaviour that was hardly fitting for a man in Caledon's positon. He found he did not care. All he wanted to do was keep running. Just run, and never stop. He ran up some stairs from one deck and onto another deck. He did not notice Jack lying on a bench. Jack had been gazing up at the bright stars twinkling in the night sky, and he had been smoking. It was a peaceful time for him, and he had just been thinking creatively. Until the peace was destroyed by the sound of heavy footsteps. Jack had sat up and seen that same man from earlier run past him. The one he had been so taken with. Jack knew something was wrong with him.
Caledon only stopped running when he could run no further, panting from the exertion of his run. He was right at the very back of the ship. The weight of his family's expectations weighed down upon him heavily. Nobody knew of his secret, apart from his father and his fiancé, Rose. His father had beat him soundly and ordered him to supress what he called Caledon's unnatural, sinful urges. They had never talked of it again. Rose had come to find out too, but she was not upset like his father had been. The knowledge that Caledon would never be interested in her was pleasing to Rose. She only saw marriage as a way of keeping her position in high society, and living with the wealth she was accustomed to. Unfortunately, when her father had died, he had left behind some gambling debts that put Rose and her mother in a dire position. Rose had seen a way out, through her upcoming marriage to Caledon. Caledon had won back his father's esteem through his engagement to Rose. He and Rose despised each other, but they also needed one another. Caledon stared out at the dark night, and for the first time he thought of ending his life. It was fitting that it should be here, on the great Titanic. Nobody would miss him, apart from his family. His younger brother would be able to inherit the shipping line. Rose could easily find herself another wealthy beau in high society. And Caledon thought he would finally be free. So he climbed over the railing. Once his feet were planted in place and his back was to the railings, Caledon knew he should jump. Yet his hands remained firmly gripping the railings, and he did not make an attempt to let go. It was one thing to think about jumping, but quite another to do it. He wanted to do it, but at the same time he felt doubt start to creep in.
As he leaned out, he looked down at the water below.
Jack was watching the man anxiously, and felt he had to speak before it was too late. "You don't want to jump"
Caledon turned his head in the direction of the voice, and it took him a few moments to focus. He saw the same beautiful man he had seen earlier that day, the youthful man with fair hair and sea blue eyes. "Just leave me alone. Go away!" Caledon shouted.
Jack shook his head slowly. "I can't do that. Just come back..." He walked closer to where Caledon was, and held up his still lit cigarette, then threw it over the railings.
"Stop!" Caledon exclaimed. "If you get any closer, I will jump"
"No you won't do it" Jack took in the way Caledon was clinging so tightly to the railings. "If you were gonna jump, you would have already done it"
Caledon was frustrated that Jack had read him so easily. "You have no idea what is going through my mind. I could still jump, and then I would prove you wrong"
"If you do that, I'll have to go in after you" Jack stated firmly.
"Don't be so stupid. You would kill yourself trying to save a stranger?" Caledon snapped, worried at the thought that this man would risk his life to save a stranger. "You can't possibly mean it..."
"I'm good at swimming" Jack reassured the other man, and also himself as he dropped down to unlace his shoes. He was nervous, but he could not show that to the other man. He had to be confident to be able to talk the mysterious man into not jumping.
Caledon could not believe what he was seeing. He saw that Jack was serious, and tried to dissuade him. "You know, the fall alone would kill you"
At this point Jack took off his jacket and dropped it onto the deck. "Maybe. It would hurt, I know that. But I'm more concerned about the water being cold"
"Yes, well what would you expect?" Caledon looked down at the water again, then back to the fair haired man. Somehow, the idea of jumping seemed like a very bad idea now. "How cold do you think the water is?"
Jack thought about it, taking off his shoes. "Freezing. Perhaps a couple degrees over..." Jack paused. "Hey, you ever been to Wisconsin?"
The question was so unexpected that Caledon could not stop the look of confusion that spread across his face. "No, I have not"
"See, I grew up in Wisconsin, and we get some of the coldest winters around. One time, when I was a kid, me and my father went out ice fishing..." Jack wondered if a man like Caledon would even know about ice fishing. "Ice fishing, that's where you cut a hole in the-"
"I know what ice fishing is!" Caledon rudely interrupted the other man, feeling insulted.
"Sorry" Jack apologized. "Anyway, I fell through some thin ice and I'm telling you, water that cold...Like the water down there...It's gonna hit you like thousands of little knives all over your body. You won't be able to breathe, you won't be able to think... At least not about anything but the pain" Jack made sure to leave little pauses in his story, praying everything he was saying would really stick in the other man's mind. "So that's why I can admit I'm not looking forward to jumping in after you. But I'd have to do it. I guess I'm hoping you'll save me from doing that and come back over the rail"
Caledon frowned at the other man, irritated but also touched by the concern this virtual stranger was showing for him. "You're crazy..."
Jack lightly shrugged. "Yeah, a lot of people say that about me. But, with all due respect, I'm not the one hanging off the back of a ship" He moved a little closer to the dark haired man. "Come on" Jack pleaded. "You don't want to do this. Give me your hand"
Caledon stared at the man who had his hand outstretched towards him, considering his words. Finally he gave in and let go of the railing with one hand. "Alright"
Jack felt relief hit him, all of a sudden, as he firmly grasped hold of the other man's hand. "I'm Jack Dawson"
"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr Dawson" Caledon replied, his voice not quite as steady as he would have liked. Now he had decided he did want to live, he was suddenly painfully aware of the height between him and the sea. A feeling of dizziness came over him as he turned around, and his foot slipped. He let out a scream as he fell.
Jack was pulled closer to the rail, the weight of the other man straining his arm as he desperately kept a tight grip on the other man's hand.
Caledon managed to grab hold of a lower rail with his free hand. "Help me!" He was so frightened now, the calm he had felt earlier while standing there now completely gone. He realized how stupid he had been, and now he was desperate not to die.
Jack could see how terrified the other man was and spoke to him calmly, with a comforting manner. "I've got you. I'm not gonna let go" He used all his strength to try and pull the other man back over the rail. For one heart wrenching moment, he was afraid the other man would fall as he slipped again but eventually Jack was able to get the man back onto the deck. Jack ended up half atop the other man, and it was quite an unfortunate position to be in when Quartermaster Rowe found them.
Rowe had been alerted that something was wrong by hearing Caledon scream and had rushed over as soon as he could. "What's going on here? Get off him" Rowe snapped, dragging Jack away from Caledon. He suspected that Jack had been in the process of robbing Caledon. He noticed some seamen running over and after he warned Jack not to move he told the seamen to fetch the Master at Arms.
It was all downhill from there, and before Jack knew what was happening he was being handcuffed by a stocky gentleman who was the Master at Arms. He saw the young red haired lady from before appear with an older man by her side, and she seemed annoyed by all the fuss. Her gaze roamed from her fiancé to Jack with an air of mild suspicion. "Well, Cal, what happened here?"
"Nothing happened, Rose. I'm perfectly alright" Caledon shortly replied, before turning to the Master at Arms. "I demand you unhand that man"
The Master at Arms chuckled. "Now, there's no need to be afraid of this ruffian"
Caledon glared at him fiercely. "I'm not afraid. I tell you, he saved me from drowning"
"He wasn't trying to rob you blind?" The Master at Arms looked doubtful.
"Yes. It was a stupid accident, and entirely my fault. I was leaning over to get a look at the marvellous propellers in action, and I slipped. I would have gone overboard, had it not been for Mr Dawson's timely interference. He saved my life, and I am grateful to him for doing so" Caledon lied as smoothly as he could, and hoped he would be believed.
"Was that really what happened?" The Master at Arms asked Jack, with a stern expression on his face.
Caledon locked eyes with Jack for a few moments, silently urging him to go along with Caledon's version of events. To his relief, Jack agreed with him.
"Oh Cal, you absolute wretch. How could you be so foolish?" Rose chastised her fiancé as she slipped her hand through the crook of his arm possessively. "Anyway, since no harm was done everything will be fine"
The Master AT Arms unlocked the handcuffs, allowing Jack to go free.
Rose shot Jack a disdainful look, then she turned to address the older man standing next to her. "Mr Lovejoy, I think twenty should be enough for the boy. He deserves it, after all he is a hero" She smiled coldly at Jack then, s smile that did not reach her eyes.
The older man stepped forward, already taking out a wallet but as he opened it, Jack shook his head. "No thanks, I didn't do it for a reward"
"Let's go inside, darling. It's too cold out here. You need a good sleep after a horrid shock like that" Rose tried to pull Caledon away, but he stood firm.
"Perhaps Mr Dawson would like to join us for dinner tomorrow night" It was all Caledon could think of, at that moment, to have an excuse to see Jack again.
Rose narrowed her eyes at Jack, but he did not even notice since his focus was completely on Caledon. "Yeah, that sounds good"
Caledon smiled at Jack before reluctantly allowing Rose to guide him away, and for once it was a real smile, not like the fake ones he so often had pasted onto his face. He could not wait to see Jack again, and he hoped to see him even before the dinner. He felt like he had a connection with Jack now, because of the secret they shared.
Thanks for reading :)