A/N: Well, I'm blowing off the dust and firing up my typing fingers! Sorry for the long absence guys, it's been a bit of a rough semester for me (I had my upper divisional jury, which determined whether I got to stay a music major or not-I passed, but it was nerve wracking). I will be updating things more now (I know, I promised before and I am so, so sorry, but I promise that it will happen). So, I have fluffy awkwardness for you, begging for forgiveness (I AM SO SORRY!).
I do want to thank you guys for all the reviews/alerts/encouragement during my downtime. They honestly made my day and you are all the most fabulous people I have ever had the pleasure to share the internet with.
Ooo, also, I have a tumblr. A few of you messaged me on here checking if I'd died (I appreciate your concern!). I'm usually trolling tumblr a bunch at goodgollyimmolly(.)tumblr(.)com!
Kurt and Blaine have sex. It's one of those things Burt knows is happening, but as long as he doesn't see it, he's fine with it (not because he's homophobic or anything, he loves Kurt, but it's his son, and it's disturbing to think of the kid whose diapers you changed doing…things with his boyfriend).
It's okay. They're both good kids, and he has to assume that they're being safe due to the condoms he discovered in Kurt's sock drawer (and he wasn't looking for them, he just needed to borrow a pair of socks, and God knows that pigs will fly before he'd find a clean pair in Finn's room).
He hadn't said anything because what Kurt does with his body is his own business. He's eighteen, and Burt's raised him to be a smart kid. He put the box back where it was, but he took a pair of socks.
"Was someone in my sock drawer?" Kurt asked at dinner. "It's really nothing, it's just-"
"Oh yeah, bud, I just took a pair, I hope that was okay," Burt answered. He thought about winking, just to make the kid squirm a little, but decided against it once he saw the look on Kurt's face. It took every fiber of his being not to collapse into hysterical laughter. Kurt was bright red from the tips of his ears and down his neck, and he looked like someone had just told him that that Project Fashion or Runway Project or whatever it was called had been canceled.
"I'm going to go do homework," he managed to squeak out, scurrying out of the room and up the stairs, where Burt heard the door slam.
"Kurt, you forgot to rinse your plate-Kurt, sweetie!" Carole called after him. Burt touched her arm and said, "I'll do it."
"Okay," she said slowly. "I wonder what's gotten in to him?"
"Probably hormones," Burt said, shaking in silent laughter as he took a drink of his beer.
Burt went upstairs to talk to Kurt later, but before knocking on his door, he heard this side of a conversation:
"He had to have seen them Blaine, they were right there…no, I thought they would be safe in my drawer…okay, he's not going to think that I bought them to show off, since we've used half of the box already, nice try though…I'm holding them for a friend? Yes, because that's completely believable, oh my God, I'm in love with a moron…Maybe if I just stay up here, he'll think I've died…"
Burt chose that moment to knock at the door. "Coming," Kurt shouted before lowering his voice again, "I love you too, see you at school."
The door to Kurt's bedroom slowly opened. "Can I help you?" Kurt asked nervously.
"Hey kiddo, I just wanted to talk to you about a couple of things-"
"You saw them, didn't you?"
"Yeah," Burt replied, and Kurt let out a huge breath. "But I'm not upset."
"You're not?" Kurt eyed him incredulously.
"No, I'm not. I mean, I could have done without knowing about you having sex, but it's nothing to be angry about."
"Yeah, I could have done without you knowing it too," Kurt muttered, sitting on his bed. "Good talk dad, now let's move on."
"Oh, no bud, you're not getting off that easy," Burt said, sitting next to him on the bed.
"But you said you weren't angry! And we're being safe! I thought you were joking about the thirtieth birthday thing! Please say you were joking-"
"I was joking," Burt interrupted, laughing and slapping a hand on Kurt's knee, making him wince. "I just wanted to make sure you did it for the right reasons. He didn't force you, right? And you didn't force him?"
"No dad," Kurt sighed. "It was mutual."
"And you love him, right? This isn't gonna be something you look back on and regret?"
"I highly doubt I'll regret it, and yes, I love him-I took what you said seriously dad, even if I did have my fingers in my ears," Kurt sighed, resting his head on Burt's shoulder. "It's just-it was nice to have a way to share like that with someone, you know? I just-I felt closer to him then than I've ever felt with anyone…like you know the cliché line 'love is friendship set on fire?' That's what it felt like."
"Good," Burt said, patting his knee. "Now, you know we're going to have some rules-"
"Dad," Kurt said, clearly annoyed. "We've never…well, not when you're in the house, I-I-"
"Kurt, buddy, slow down," Burt said, "I'm not trying to make you nervous, and honestly, I'm just trying to make sure we have boundaries, okay?"
"I guess," Kurt said feebly, standing and smoothing his jeans, then starting to pace his room. "I-it's just-just so you know this is the most awkward conversation of my life!"
"Kurt, calm down," Burt said firmly. Kurt shot him a look and plopped down on the chaise in the corner. "Do you honestly think that this is much more fun for me?"
"No," Kurt replied massaging his temples.
"Okay, so here are the rules: this is happening, but I don't want to see or hear it, okay? It's not because of anything about you being gay, it's just when the little boy you taught to ride a bike and had tea parties with starts having sex, you really don't want to think about it."
Kurt gave a small laugh, then turned serious again. "Yes sir," he said, giving a small salute.
"Okay kid," Burt chuckled. "And Finn and Carole don't see or hear it either. Because I'm assuming you want to think about Finn and Rachel or Carole and I having s-"
"Dad, please don't continue that sentence, the mental pictures cannot be forgotten once they're seen."
"Okay buddy," Burt replied, giving another small chuckle. "So, this means no sex when we're in the house, yard, or will be back soon. Your door can be closed when Blaine is over, we will all knock. Do you think that's fair?"
"Yeah, I guess," Kurt said, studying his shoes.
"C'mon Kurt, you could at least look at me," Burt said gently. "Is it not fair?"
Kurt looked up, "Sorry, just embarrassing."
"It's okay," Burt replied, getting up. "Good talk?"
"Good talk. I didn't even put my fingers in my ears this time," Kurt said, rising and giving Burt a hug. "Thanks dad."
"Hey, it's kind of my job. At least we don't have to worry about Finn," Burt laughed, and Kurt stiffened in his arms. "Kurt…we don't have to worry about it, right?"
"Hey dad, I'm going to call Blaine, we haven't done our skincare routine yet, and-"
"Christ," Burt muttered under his breath, pulling away from Kurt. "Teenagers are going to be the death of me."
"Well, as long as we're going there…they may have had sex on the living room floor…"
"What?" Burt practically roared.
"Yeah…but you didn't hear it from me! Fabulous talk dad," Kurt rushed as he escorted Burt from his room. "Have fun with the next one!"
"What's wrong sweetheart?" Carole looked concerned as Burt flopped into his chair. "How'd the talk go?"
"Great," Burt replied. "But Finn needs one too, and it's your turn. Also, could you get me the phone book? We need to get these carpets cleaned."
"But we just had them done in Octo-"
"Trust me, we need the carpets cleaned."