The Reason
Misaki looked blankly back at Akihiko. What did he hear him say?
"Maybe it's time that you move out and live on your own."
It resonated painfully in his ears.
"Usagi-san… are you serious?"
"Misaki, please don't make me repeat myself." Akihiko's low voice had an almost audible crack in it.
"But why? Did I do something? What is it Usagi-san?" Misaki asked, confused. His stomach churned as the frustration he's feeling turned into a numbing fear.
"Misaki, please."
Misaki stood rooted on the spot. He heard a finality in Akihiko's tone he did not find the courage to object. His eyes stung. Watching Akihiko at the other end of the room with a surprising apathy towards him confirmed that he is a burden Akihiko had grown tired of carrying and he's ready to throw him out.
Misaki knew that one day this would happen. What he did not know is how painful it is now that it's slapping him hard on the face.
"I see." It's Misaki's voice's turn to crack.
Goddamn it.
Akihiko did not fail to notice what was happening. In an attempt to stop the inevitable, he could only mutter.
"Don't."
Both of them knew that it's already too late.
Misaki Takahashi cried. He cried like he never did before. His tears gushed uncontained from his eyes, every drop scalding his skin like acid.
Akihiko wanted to touch Misaki – to hold him, to comfort him, to reassure him that it's going to be alright but he resisted all urges to do so. He knew that once he did, he will start hurting him again and that he will not be able to walk away. Akihiko closed his eyes and quietly cursed himself.
How do you get past this ordeal? How do you make yourself better when you have to let go of the person that makes you whole?
"Misaki…"
Misaki can only cry harder. Akihiko is calling for him in the voice that once sent shivers down his spine.
"Misaki. Stop crying for me. Please."
"Gomen… I don't know… I just…" Tears choked all of his words out.
Misaki's cries pierced daggers through Akihiko.
"Ne, Usagi-san… why are you pushing me away… I just want to… just give me a reason…" Misaki asked between sobs.
Akihiko fell silent. He instantly realized that it was a mistake seeing Misaki's agonized face flashing across the room.
"Even just one… please…" Misaki pleaded.
Akihiko put on a brave front to go look at Misaki and forced himself to answer.
"The reasons I want you to stay are the same reasons I want you to go."
"That doesn't answer anything." Misaki retorted.
"Misaki, you have to understand why I'm doing this. You're better off without me in your life. Trust me, I know."
Akihiko saw Misaki turn to face him, his gaze delicately locking with his.
"If I were better off without you then why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel like I'm losing my mind?"
In spite of what he's feeling, Akihiko cannot help but smile inwardly at the blunt, honest words. This is one of the many reasons Misaki had always captivated him. Even now, with their worlds crumbling around them, he can't help but feel charmed by the stubborn, straightforward teenager crying in front of him.
"In time, I'm sure we'll both get used to it." Akihiko said with a pang. He kept looking for an ounce of truth in what he just said.
Misaki stared at Akihiko's dark figure, tears still streaming hotly from his eyes. He had braced himself for this moment for so long yet it never really prepared him for it.
It's funny that you realize just how much a person means to you when they're about to slip right off your hands.
Is this how it feels when you're about to lose someone you know in your heart you can't live without?
"Usagi-san…" Misaki finally said.
"Hai?"
"Thank you." Misaki mouthed the words out. His heart protested and wanted to scream something else.
It's too late for that now. It wouldn't matter. It shouldn't have to.
Akihiko heard it and choked on the thought.
He's thanking me.
Is that really what it is? Gratitude? Nothing else? Akihiko tried to convince himself that he's doing the right thing, letting him go.
Maybe.
"You don't really have to thank me, Misaki." Akihiko couldn't help himself. It burned him more than he expected it would have.
"Yes, I have." Misaki muttered.
Misaki's padded footsteps found its way in front of Akihiko. Awkwardly grabbing the hem of Akihiko's shirt, Misaki spoke.
"Thank you for letting me love you."
Misaki stood on his toes and placed a gentle peck on Akihiko's cheek.
Akihiko looked down eyes wide in shock. He saw Misaki looking back at him, tears gushing still but the sincerity reflecting in the lonely green facets tugged a powerful pull deep down Akihiko. Misaki smiled, turned his back and walked away.
Is it really over?
If what Akihiko is about to do sends him to Hell, then so be it.
Akihiko had Misaki's back flat on the wall – his mouth firmly planted on Misaki's stunned, open ones. Akihiko held Misaki's hand up the wall, the other grabbing his hair deepening his kiss as he angled the young boy's face giving him more access.
Akihiko tasted Misaki's tears, Akihiko felt Misaki struggling against his body. All of that only made him want him more.
"Are you going to stop me? Because I don't think I can." Akihiko breathed the words in Misaki's mouth.
"Usagi-san…"
Akihiko kissed him again – hard and deep and brutal. Akihiko reached for Misaki's hands and placed them on his neck, Misaki involuntarily grabbing fistfuls of Akihiko's hair like always, his body moving automatically, unable to contain the longing and desire the sadness of tonight has brought.
Akihiko broke their kiss and Misaki felt like he's going to faint, his breathing ragged. He couldn't look at Akihiko's face mere inches away, Akihiko's breath hitching the same time as his.
"Misaki. You know you have to leave me."
"I know."
"Then why…?"
Misaki trembled, his tears soaking Akihiko's chest. If this is the last time he has with him, a little dose of selfishness shouldn't hurt.
"Because… because…" Misaki caught Akihiko's violet, strained gaze. "I want to be the reason why you're happy because I always make you sad! I refuse to give up on that because I know Usagi-san is lonely even if you don't say anything! I want to be there when you wake up in the morning and make your food and start your day and see you when you get home! I want to be the only one to know the little things because they matter to me! I want to know all of your reasons Usagi-san! I want to! I want to be there for you even if you don't want it! I want to… I want to because…!" Misaki's strangled cries filled the room.
Akihiko stood there holding Misaki. Every word bruised and mended him. There's only one question remaining to be asked.
"Because what, Misaki?"
Misaki buried his face in Akihiko's chest, his hand wounding up Akihiko's shirt pulling him closer in.
"Because I don't think I can ever love somebody the same way I do for you. I have nothing to give anymore… you took it already! But I don't care, because that's all for you anyway…"
When Misaki finished, Akihiko remembered the first time he cried. It was with Misaki. Misaki crying for him for the love he, Akihiko, lost. Akihiko wanted to cry again like that night, only this time the reasons are different. Most importantly, Misaki is crying for the love he finally found.
Whether it's right or wrong, Akihiko did not care anymore.
"Misaki." Akihiko said leaning towards him, surveying Misaki's face. "Would it be too much of me to ask for every tomorrow after this with you?"
Misaki's eyes burned.
"No… no it won't be."
Misaki welcomed Akihiko's lips meld into his. A different kind of wave gushing out of his tears.
They sat on the floor, Akihiko's back now on the wall as he hugged Misaki from behind.
"You know that's the first time you said you loved me." Akihiko said.
"Well… yeah… but I still didn't say it properly." Misaki said blushing.
"I don't care about that. It will not be you if you did." Akihiko said, holding Misaki tighter.
"Usagi-san!"
Akihiko knew that after tonight he still wanted to be alone.
Alone together with Misaki.
Just because.