A/N: Let me start off by saying this is in no way to be taken seriously. This was written purely for kicks and grins. It is a crackfic. Say it with me! CRACK-FIC! And it is to be interpreted as such. ENJOY!!! ^^
1) I wrote this story with my friend, Sora-sempai, so we are sharing both the glory and the hate mail.
2) This is utterly nonsensical—we were high on Twizzlers, cheese, and campfire fumes. We wrote this during an actual camping trip. Also, we were going to write it regularly, but then we started doing the outline and decided it was detailed enough to just leave it.
3) Dark and Krad have their own bodies. Why? Because we want them to. Also, Riku and Risa know about them.
Disclaimer: neither of us owns DNAngel, because anime just can't handle our random awesomeness! XD
YG: But someday, Daisuke and Satoshi shall be mine!!
Sora: No, mine!
YG: No, mine!
Sora: No, mine!
Daisuke & Satoshi: My arm!!!!
Zero & Yugi: What happened to us…?!
YG & Sora: Wrong fandom, you two! –Continue fighting-
Bakura: -watches catfight intently, armed with web cam-
Behind a Tree
Chapter One
(Daisuke's class is on their annual camping field trip)
(Separated into groups—Krad & Dark, Satoshi & Daisuke, Riku & Risa)
Riku and Risa: -go off on their own-
Satoshi and Daisuke: -build their tent right away and do…things inside-
Krad and Dark: -can NOT set up the tents so they ask Satoshi and Daisuke for help-
Krad and Dark: -Knock on their tent door-
Satoshi and Daisuke: Just a minute…! Just a minute! JUST A MINUTE!!!!!
S&D: - pop heads out of tent, fixing hair-
Daisuke: What is it you want?!
Satoshi: You're interrupting our orgy!!! I mean…our…knitting!
Krad and Dark: .....
(Riku and Risa try to find firewood and fill a bucket with water at a well)
Risa: Ah, nature! It's all over me, get it off!!!!
Riku: -rolls eyes-
Risa: -a pain- Must! Relieve! Self!
Riku: Behind a tree, please.
Risa: You mean…OUTSIDE?!?!?!
Riku: No, the Taj Mahal. Yes, OUTSIDE!!!!
Risa: …But…it's…dirty out here…
Riku: -rolls eyes...again- Risa, either do it here or sleep outside the tent tonight.
(Krad & Dark and Daisuke & Satoshi decide to team up, since their campsites are right next door)
(K&D go search for firewood while D&S get water)
Krad: -constantly swatting at mosquitoes- Damn you to hell, heathen insects!!!!
Dark: -facepalm- You're a moron. –sprays bug spray all over Krad, including in his eyes-
Krad: MY EYES!!!! –runs into tree-
Meanwhile…
Daisuke: -hooks bucket onto well, then lowers-
Satoshi: -awkward silence -
Daisuke: You know… you should really get that mole on your butt cheek checked out.
Satoshi: -blushes- Same to you with that genital wart thing.
Daisuke: IT'S A BIRTHMARK!!!!
Satoshi: Riiiiiiiiight……………I don't believe you.
Chapter Two
Back at the campsite…
(Dark, Krad, Satoshi and Daisuke return)
Dark & Krad: -failure-
Daisuke & Satoshi: What?
Dark & Krad: Well, we couldn't find any firewood, so we just got this pinecone, is that alright?
Satoshi: -spaz attack- But…there are sticks, like, ALL OVER THE FCKIN GROUND!!! WTF is wrong with you guys?!
Daisuke: I knew they would find some way to screw this up, so I got us some kindling in advance! –holds up several books, then starts piling them in the fire pit-
Krad: Are…are those my…LOVELESSMANGAS?!?!
Daisuke: -right away- No. –nervous twitch-
Satoshi & Dark: -snicker-
Satoshi: Trust me Krad, if you knew what we were doing with those, you would not want them back.
Dark & Krad: -shudder-
Krad: In that case, keep them.
Daisuke: Burn, baby, burn!
Back with the girls…
Risa: Damn you, Riku! I had to use a leaf!!!
Riku: You're a moron priss. I'd just use my hands.
Risa: -throws up- So wait…that nasty taste I get in my mouth every time you cook dinner is… -throws up again- Ugh! It's all over my shirt!!!
Riku: -snickers- I was just kidding.
Risa: Fck you!
Chapter Three
(All six of them are at the campsite, in the evening, around the fire)
Risa: Let's break out the marshmallows!
Riku: Not yet. Wait until it gets dark.
Daisuke: -pyro spaz- FIIIIIIYAAAAA!! –gathers random stuff and throws it into fire; then goes into his tent when nothing else is available-
Dark: Booored….
Krad: Booored….er.
Dark: Bored er er!
Krad: Bored er er er!!!
Satoshi: Will you two shut the hell up?! My head is pounding!
Daisuke: -comes out with miscellaneous belongings, then throws them into fire with proud look- Hehehe -spaz attack-
Satoshi: -suspicious sniffs the air- Why are you…burning all our clothes???
Daisuke: We won't need them anymore, baby. –pets Satoshi's hair-
Riku: …and I'm dating that guy.
Risa: -spaz- Let's break out the marshmallows!
Krad: Shut up bitch! You're making me hungry…
Dark: I know…-pulls whiskey bottle out from behind him-
Krad: YESSS!
Riku: Uh…where'd you get that alcohol?
Dark: -really fast- My ass.
Riku: Excuse me?!
Dark: No, I mean really, there's a liquor store down the road from my house called Mias.
Daisuke: Wait, if we live in the same house, then how come I've never heard of tha—
Dark: SHUT UP!!
Krad: I don't care where he got it! I'm freakin parched! Gimme. –snatches from Dark and uncorks it-
Risa: Let's break out the marshmallows!
Everyone: SHUT THE FCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daisuke: -bored with the conversation and starts throwing random things into the fire- BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riku: Hey, that's my shoe!
Krad: Watch this! –spits alcohol into the fire-
Fire: -whoosh!!-
Dark: -spaz attack/ jumps away- Gah! Get it away from me!!
Krad: -devious smile- Oh really… -lights end of stick on fire and waves it in Dark's face-
Dark: Agh! Back, back, dieeee!!
Krad: -chases Dark around in a circle with flaming stick while all the others laugh-
Risa: Let's break out the marshmallows!
Dark & Krad: -stop dead in their tracks and look at each other-
Krad: -throws flaming stick at Risa's head-
Chapter Four
Still at the fire…
Dark & Krad: -sit down-
Risa: -freaks out running to bucket of water to douse fiery hair-
Krad: -takes another swig from the whiskey bottle-
Riku: Underage drinking… -narrows eyes- …evil.
Satoshi: I think I'd like to try.
Daisuke: -crosses arms- Okay, but if you still have alcohol on your breath by the time we go to bed, I swear to God I'm leaving you.
Risa: -comes back and sits down while soaking wet- I hate you all…and now I'm craving marshmallows…
Krad: -hands bottle to Satoshi-
Satoshi: -takes one sip- ... -widens eyes- I see dead people.
Daisuke:… -backs away-
Dark: –sigh- I'm bored again. -has idea- Ooh! I have a totally wicked awesome idea! Let's sing a song! –pulls acoustic guitar out from behind him-
Risa: Where'd you get THAT one?
Dark: My crack.
Krad: WHAT?!
Dark: No, really, my favorite crack dealer also owns a musical instrument store.
Daisuke: But isn't that the guitar I gave you last Christma—
Dark: SHUT UP!! –tunes guitar- Now then…I call this song: the Campfire Song Song.
Daisuke: -whispering to self- I knew I should've parental-blocked Nickelodeon…
Dark: -singing- Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song. Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along….
Krad: Bum…Bum…Bum…
Dark: CAMPFIRESONGsong, our CAMPFIRESONGsong, and if youdon'tthinkthatwecansingitfasterthenyou'rewrong,butit'llhelpifyoujustsingalong…………..CAMPFIRESONGsong Daisuke! –points-
Daisuke: -spaz- Song! C-A-M-P-F….
Dark: Satoshi!
Satoshi: -takes swig from bottle-
Dark: Good! It'll help…! It'll help…! –falls off chair and digs knees into dirt- If you just sing aloooooooooooooong! Oh yeah! –bashes guitar on bonfire-
Everyone: -claps-
Dark: -lifts guitar, stares at it in awe- It's…on…FIRE!!!! –squeals like a girl and throws it into air-
Guitar: -lands on Risa's head-
Risa: HOLY SHIT WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!?! –runs off to water-
Satoshi: -points to Risa and Riku- (drunk voice) NOW I can tell you guys apart. Hiccup!
Daisuke: Yes! More kindling!!! Hahaha!!!
Krad: Let's…make…SACRIFICES!!!!!
Chapter Five
(STILL at the campfire…)
Everyone: Yeah!
Dark: Okay, Satoshi, I think you've had enough. It's my turn! –takes bottle and tips it upside down-
Bottle: -one drip falls out-
Dark: DAMMIT SATOSHI!!!!
Satoshi: (drunk voice) Bite me, blondie.
Daisuke: Gladly, but I'm a redhead.
Satoshi: (drunk voice) You know it!
Riku: I'm DATING A GAY GUY!
Cricket: -chirp chirp-
Satoshi: (gay drunk voice) Awk-ward…
Krad: Enough of this. Let us make sacrifices to the fire god, Oochichiwa! –snatches Dark's bottle and crashes it into bonfire-
Dark: –inner pyro Daisuke coming out- HELL YEAH, LET'S START BURNING STUFF!! -grabs random white bag and throws it in the fire-
Risa: -back, soaking wet… again- MY MARSHMALLOWS!! YOU BASTARD!
Satoshi: Oh my God…he…killed…KENNY!!
Daisuke: You bastard!
Risa: -throws random doll into fire-
Riku: DAMMIT!!! SHE DID KILL KENNY!! MY STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTION IS RUINED!!!!
Risa: Really? I thought it was Cartman…
Daisuke: (angry, jealous lover voice) Who's Cartman? Someone I should know about?
Riku: Oh, go suck ass!
Daisuke: Satoshi's ass?
Riku: -facepalm-
Satoshi: Silence, peasants!!
Everyone: -silent peasants-
Satoshi: It is time…to make…my SACRIFICE! –stands, begins dancing seductively and unbuttoning shirt-
Dark: Strip tease!! Music!
Krad: -hand over mouth- I'm bringin' sexy back
Dark and Daisuke: Yeah!
Krad: Those mother fckers don't know how to act
Dark and Daisuke: Yeah!
Satoshi: -throws shirt into fire-
Fire: -Omigod omigod omigod Satoshi shirt!!! Yum yum yum-
Keiji Saga: -watching from afar with high-powered telescope- Yes…yes!!!! Now if only Daisuke could…
Daisuke: Lemme join! You're not getting naked without me!
Keiji Saga: YES!!!!
Daisuke: -takes shirt off and throws over Satoshi's-
Daisuke & Satoshi: -proceed to take off pants-
Riku: Hey, Dark, what time is it?
Dark: It's about……three a.m.
Daisuke & Satoshi: -in underwear- (Koolaid man voice) Oh yeah.
Risa: -le gasp- We have, like, a class hike to go to in three hours.
Krad: -nod- Sweeeeeeet.
Epilogue
(Everyone fell asleep shortly after the end of chapter five. They were all in their chairs.)
Daisuke: (first one to wake up)-walks over to Satoshi and starts poking him- Satoshi…Satoshi…
Satoshi: BUTTER!
Daisuke: Wha?
Satoshi: -belch- My head…
Risa: -wakes up, forgetting she is now bald- -epic yaawn!-
Dark: -sleeping with mouth ajar- -puts hand on head while asleep- -feels stickiness- -wakes up- BIRD SHIT!!!! Ahhhhh! In my gorgeous hair!!!
Satoshi: (hangover voice) Ugh…
Krad: -throws rock at Dark in sleep- STFU…Mommy…-sucks thumb-
Daisuke: Congrats, baby. You've got that hangover glow.
Satoshi: Nyah!! Loud noises!!!
Riku: -slowly wakes up- What happened…last night…and why am I only wearing one shoe? And why Daisuke and Satoshi in their underwear? And why does Satoshi have a hangover? And why I have an sudden craving for marshmallows?!?!
Risa: My marshmallows!
Class hiking tour guide: And if you look to your right, you will see two naked gay boys—one of them with a hangover, a girl with one shoe, another girl that is bald, a boy with bird crap in his hair, and another boy sucking his thumb. And to our left, a squirrel.
Students: -take pictures-
One student: This is going straight on my fridge!
Riku: -eyes wide- Hey, Dark…?
Dark: …yeah…?
Riku: What time is it now?
Dark: -looks- 8:30.
Everyone: HOLY FCK!!!!
Fin.
0o.o0o.o0
Author's note: Well, that's the story. We were and still are seriously cracking up at this. Again, this is YuugisGirl and Sora-sempai. While we still have some space left, let us tell you about how this idea came to us.
YG: -sitting by campfire-
Sora: -also sitting by campfire-
YG: We should write a fic together…like, right now…
Sora: Yeah.
YG&Sora: -high from smoke from fire-
YG: It should be something we're both familiar with.
Sora: Vampire Knight?
YG: No. House M.D.?
Sora: No… How about DNAngel?
YG: -widens eyes- Yes. And Satoshi could get drunk.
Sora: Yeah! And do a strip tease!
YG: Yeah! –stands- And Risa could lose all her hair!!
Sora: What is it with you and picking on Risa all the time?
YG: Cause she's annoying as hell.
Sora: Yesssssssss!!!!
YG: Ooh, and Dark could be scared of the fire!
Sora: Sweet! OOC-ness!
YG: And Daisuke could be a pyro!
Sora: Like us?
YG: -nods- Like us.
Later…
YG&Sora: -in giggle fit-
Sora's mom's cousin: …Freaks.
And thus, Behind a Tree was born. Hope you enjoyed it. :)
PS: We will leave you with a joke: What do you get when you leave Satoshi and Daisuke in the same room with a lighter and a bottle of whiskey??
…Mayhem. And burnt genital hair.
:D
PSS: (To all the readers of YuugisGirl) This is by no means any inclination that I might be updating my other stories soon. Let's just say that the new chapters will be up as soon as hell freezes over, thaws and freezes again. Same for Sora. Sorry! Adieu.