Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club or any of it's characters
Another Side
"I can't return your feelings."
No...
"I'm sorry."
Why?
"It's... Tamaki."
I lost...
-.-
I finally got up the courage to tell her. Sure I had given obvious hints, but I finally used words.
I could see you watching at me. Did you have to look so worried? I'm in enough pain as it is, without having you on top of it.
Why am I being such a bastard? You were probably thinking about how you had warned me. Probably mocking me.
No... You would never do that. That was something I would do.
All I needed was to put a smile on my face, and act as if it's all a joke. No one had to know how much it hurt. I would make sure no one saw my tears.
-.-
"Hika-"
"Heh, I lost to our Lord. Who would have even thought that was possible? I mean... Tamaki?" He chuckled lightly to himself, there was no amusement to be found in the sound.
"Stop!" The slightly bigger of the boys looked at the other, suprised by the outburst.
"I can't believe... that your even trying!... How could you think you could fool me?"
-.-
Why couldn't you just let me pretend?! As long as you didn't notice, then I would be fine. As long as you played along, we could both stay happy. Your emotions would be able to influenece mine.
That night will forever be in my memory. The way I threw you against the wall in my anger at you ruining my play. The way I gripped you wrist so hard it left bruises that I would see in the morning. Why didn't you stop me! You never said no. Not even when I forcefully pressed my lips against yours, thrusting my tongue into your quietly yeilding mouth.
I ripped at your clothing nipping at your neck harder than was needed, but still... Still you let me do as I wished. I tossed you on the bed, before proceeding to remove mine and your clothing. You whimpered quietly as I left pinch marks and scratches littered across your body, and I in all my foolishness I pretended not to notice they were sounds of pain not pleasure.
I'm not sure when the tears started. In truth, I didn't notice them until you wiped one from my cheek. That was the only time during the whole night I would look into your eyes. What I saw shocked me. There was no anger, disgust... Fear. Just understanding... Complete and utter compassion and love towards me. The person dearest in your heart.
It only served to fuel my anger more. How could you accept me? Accept what I was doing to you. I thrust in to you brutaly, blocking out your scream. I didn't give you time, I just kept pushing. Your nails dug into my back, clinging to me with all your strength as you tried to keep the pain out of your voice. I came hard and fast in you, collapsing to your chest, while sobs shook my body.
-.-
"Make it stop... please just make it stop. Make all the pain go away." He cried against the others chest, letting the warm embrace wash over him slowly, lulling him to sleep.
He waited until the boy cried himself to sleep before answering.
"I can't... For once I can't save you... Not this time." He chastly kissed the boy on the head, before snuggling closer together under the blankets, trying to draw in any and all pain the other was feeling.
-.-
I woke up with a start, wondering where you were. We always woke together didn't we? I had completely forgotten about last night, the whole day in fact. I wasn't until I noticed that I didn't have a stitch of clothing on, that everything came back.
The rejection.
The pain.
But lastly... I remembered what I did to you. The one person who had never left me. Who I thought would always be there. I whipped my head around, searching for you again, hoping I had missed you in my sleepy haze, not wanting to think about you actually being gone.
I frantically searched our wardrobe and lounge before seeing you step out of the ensuite bathroom. Forgetting -or not caring, I forget which- about my nakedness, I ran to your shocked figure standing in the doorway. I fell to my knees before wrapping my arms around your waist, pressing my face against your skin, seeking comfort as I cried.
-.-
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." The younger of the two slumped to the ground, softly bringing the crying boy into his arms.
"It's okay, everything will be alright, I promise. I understand."
"I'm so sorry."
-.-
I can't believe you could still look at me, I could barely look at myself. I guess that's the reason it was so hard to look at you too. What I found most unbelieveble, most disgusting though... was that even after all my apologies, I still came back. I still came back and used you. Whenever I was angry, whenever I was upset. You never turned me away, you would just give me that small smile.
God that smile scared me. It was too serene. Too perfect . Too filled with love.
I can freely admit that I love you, but... I was beginning to love you more than I should. Stupid really, seeing as I had already taken your body. How could adding love to the list make what we had between us any more foul? To be honest it scared me. Once I had admitted I was falling more than I should, I began to seek out other partners. I hated that I needed you so much. This was my way of proving I still had control over something.
I was selfish. I know I was.
-.-
"I love you." The smaller boys eyes hardened slightly beofre softening.
"Do you?" He did not receive an answer as his companion had already fallen asleep.
"I don't think you do." He whispered quietly to the night.
-.-
The first time you walked in on me, I was afraid. I don't think it showed, but really, I was.
How could I not be? I saw the tears, not matter how much I told myself I didn't even look at you, so how could I have seen a them?
I left straight after that. I sat in a bar thinking over what had happened when I bumped into a sempai of ours, and the way he looked at me scared me.
He sat down next to me before ordering a scotch.
-.-
"You don't deserve him."
"What are you talking about."
"Ju... Just let him go."
-.-
He left before his drink could even arrive. I wasn't suprised really that he knew what was going on. He knew everything about you. It always amused me that you never noticed the way he used to look at you in high school. And you thought I was the clueless one when it came to love. Finishing my drink I left. Hopefully I had given you enough time to pack your things and leave. I really didn't want to walk in on you half done, I knew I would stop you. Force you to stay.
To my suprise I walked in to find you waiting for me, that same smile on your face. There was something wrong with the picture, but that didn't stop me from jumping you. I tore your clothes off, pushing you down into the bed as I nibbled at your body. You had taught me over the years how to be gentle, how to make love without anger.
As I held you in the after glow, I thought about why you were still here. Any sane person would have left. It was then it hit me. What had been wrong with the picture. Your smile. Though it was not out of place it was wrong. It was as if the shine in you eyes had dimmed.
Gods... What was I doing to you?
I knew you were in love with me, and I knew I was destroying you. I didn't have the strength to tell you to leave. I am much to selfish to do something like that. So I picked the easy way out. The cowards way. I no longer even made an effort to hide the many people I slept with. I've lost count of the amount of times you've walked in on me in the act. But you would always just turn around and walk out, closing the door softly behind you. Each time you saw, I was afraid you would leave, but that's what I wanted wasn't it? But it got to a point where I just forgot that what I did was hurting you.
You still had your smile.
-.-
"You can't be serious? What are you doing!" The angry man started pulling recently packed things out of the suitcase on the bed. A small hand grabbed his, stopping him causing him to take a few steps back.
"This is some kind of joke. You know as well as I do that you will be back in a week!"
"I may need you to be alive, but I do not need you to live." He grabbed hold of his suitcase, half expecting to hear protests that never came.
"I love you still..." He whispered before exiting the room.
-.-
It came as a complete shock the day you left. You hadn't seen me with anyone in over a week. You just up and left. This time I wasn't prepared. It took me a month of waiting to realise you weren't coming back. It took me another month of sleeping with random people every night to realise I couldn't fill the hole you left.
And it took me five years to find you again...
-.-
"Five years."
Kaoru turned around, to shocked and frightened to even gasp.
"You were gone for five years."
"I-I-I"
"I thought you would be back in a few days, a week at most, but five years. I looked everywhere for you. I sold our business just so I could look for you. Did you have Kyouya help you?" He blocked off the smaller mans attempts to leave.
"Why didn't you come back?" At this, Kaoru turned around angrily.
"How could you expect me to?!" He could barely look at the other man before he was pulled into a tight embrace.
"I love you."
"Don't! I won't fall for it again! I won't... not again." Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he tried to push the larger man away.
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Hikaru collapsed to the ground, a sobbing Kaoru still in his arms.
"You said you couldn't be alive without me, but could live without me. I never understood, but I do now." He lifted Kaoru's chin with shaking fingers.
"I can't live without you, really can't. It's not a matter of feeling alive, I can't even find the will to breath. The only thing that kept me going was the need... the need to see you again."
"I ca... can't get hurt again... I just can't." Kaoru tried to turn his head to the side, only to be pulled in even tighter.
"I know, I know."
A/N
Don't hate me! I know this is the exact same ending from 'Five Years', but I thought it would help everything fit, seeing as this meant to be the same fic from Hikaru's point of view. This also a knew style of writing I am trying out (not the whole first person thingy, but the whole going from first person to third over and over again), I myself like the effect, but I would like to know what the readers thought of it. Soooo, to any of you who have read both, I would like to know which one you thought was better CX. I got the idea for this fic from a reviewer, who said I should continue my other story. They said that maybe Hikaru wasn't as bad as he seemed, and poof! I came up with this! Hope you like it.
Thank you Thinking Out Loud, and everyone else who reviewed 'Five Years'
A/N