This is a one-shot. The pairing is weird, but y'all had to see it coming. I'm giving most of the credit to Mindless Weirdo. This was HER idea.

I slammed the door to my room; no one was home, thank God. I really just couldn't take it anymore. My pants were tight as I dove onto the bed I had gotten for Bella. Ripping off my new jeans, I looked in the window that now looked like a mirror at the beautiful creature that lay there next to me. My lips pressed against the glass that was the same temperature and feel as my skin.

A moan of pleasure built in my throat. "God, God, God! Damnit!" I shouted.

Again, I turned to the mirror. I kissed it passionately again. "Oh, damnit, you're beautiful, me. I want you so badly."

I never really masturbated when I was alone, when I didn't have Bella. Since I was young, I thought it was creepy and against God's will. It wasn't until she pointed it out that I realized how amazingly attractive I am. I'd never thought much of homosexuality, either, but I didn't now much, either. I didn't blame Bella for attacking me as she does. Because really, I'm a god.

In agony, I screamed at the top of my lungs. The pleasure was too much. Too much that I couldn't hear the footsteps coming up the staircase, or the thoughts coming from outside the door.

"Edward, are you- what the fuck are you doing?" Jacob shouted from the doorway.

Quickly, I whipped my head around. Really, I wasn't even that embarrassed. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"The fuck, man? What about- Hey, does this mean I get Bella? Because I think this means I get Bella."

Outraged, I snapped, "No, this doesn't mean you get Bella!"

"No, it totally does." Jacob pulled a camera phone out of his pocket and took a picture of me exposed.

"Hey! Don't do that!"

Jacob phased, and bolted for the door, his cell phone in his teeth. 'I'm going to Bella's house. You have fun, Eddiepuss.'

"Jacob! Goddamnit!"

I zipped up my pants, and ran after him. He had a good head start, and I didn't know if I could make it. But I ran full- speed after him. Within seconds, I could see his tail. His hair stood on end as he sensed my presence, and he picked up his pace. Jacob had gotten much faster, because I couldn't catch up to him.

We broke through the woods, in the Swan's backyard. He rounded a corner, and jumped to the window. In mid-leap, he turned human, and jumped through the window. I ground my teeth. The bastard better have put his pants back on. "Bella, look! Look at Edward!" Jacob said smugly, probably holding his phone out for her to see.

Then, I made it to the window and jumped with all my might. That asshole closed it right as I took off. "Damnit, Black!"

"See, Bella?" I heard Jacob say. "He never really loved you. It was just for sex."

"We never had sex, you dolt," Bella snarled back.

"But he's masturbating! He was talking to himself!"

"He was?"

"He called himself beautiful."

There was a pause. "Well he is." Damn, there had to be a way for me to get in. I ran to the other side of the house where Charlie's room was. Yes, the window was open! I jumped in through there and ran to Bella's room. "Bella, love, don't listen to him!"

"I have pictorial proof, Cullen!"

"Edward, how could you?" Bella frowned. "You cheated on me with yourself!"

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I reached out for her, and she pulled away. "How long?" she whispered. "How long have you been seeing yourself?"

My gaze averted. "A while."

She gasped. Jacob was thinking of different ways he and Bella's wedding would look. "I don't know if I can forgive you, Edward. Please leave."

"But-"

"Please leave, Edward. Jacob, you stay."

"Sweet," Jacob grinned, and stuck his tongue at me.

"You're a bastard, Jacob."

"No, I'm not, Embry is."

"What he means is," Bella rolled her beautiful eyes at Jacob, "that he was just being a good friend. And you were a bad fiancé. The engagement is off." She threw the ring at me. My heart crumbled. "Get out, Edward."

I complied, and jumped out the window. "Can we make out?" I heard Jacob ask as I left.

"Sure," Bella giggled.

I ran home, and cried into my pillow. "Shh," I told myself, cradling my head in my hand. "It's okay. You don't need her."

"Oh, Edward," I said to myself. "You always know what to say. I love you."

"I love you too, Edward."

Who needed Bella's vagina? I have my sexy hand.

The moral of this story is to never trust a Native American with a camera phone.

Flames are welcome, they'd just make me laugh harder. XDD