Thanks go to Angela and Rox for the beta. You are lovely and insane, a most wonderful combination. Also, you guys ROCK!

Notes: I present the second instalment in what I pompously titled the Quirks and Quacks of Pegasus series. The first fic of this series was Between a Rock and a Headcase. You don't have to read it to understand this one; the only thing the two fics have in common is the silliness of their respective premise.

Silly, silly things will happen, with little logic to support them; be warned.

Genre: Gen
Characters: Team
Word Count: Will probably end up somewhere around 20 000 words. This is a nearly-completed WIP, two or three chapters left to finalize.
Rating: Low, a few naughty words.
Warnings: Crack! Stupidity and utterly insane plot points abound.

Chapter the First – Who do you think you are?

Rodney McKay walked quickly down the corridor, his eyes fixed to his trusty laptop sidekick. He was going to be late-late-late as he was already late-late, and Elizabeth would be wearing her patient 'I accept your idiosyncrasies, but can you please try to be on time for once in your life' look. He picked up the pace, nearing a jog which was an amazing achievement this early in the day, hoping he wouldn't be so late that they'd start without him. That really irked his self-important delusions.

That's when he bumped, literally, into Colonel Sheppard and his day was shot to hell.

"Watch it!"

There was a weird pause before Sheppard took the outstretched hand and helped him to his feet. Rodney ended the pause. "What're you doing? We have a meeting, shouldn't you be there already? Were you coming to get me? I'll have you know I'm perfectly capable of making my way to the briefing room, in fact, I was going there and would you keep up, I don't want to be late."

Sheppard stood still, watching Rodney make hurrying motion with his hand. He seemed to realise he was expected to speak, as this was a conversation and worked much better with two participants. A confused look spread across Sheppard's face. "Doctor McKay. What's above?" He twitched, his eyes widened and he hung his head.

Rodney missed his antics as he was busy looking above his head for some death-inducing atrocity, or large practical joke prop. When it became apparent that his precious life was in no way threatened, he frowned at Sheppard who was still staring at the floor like a penitent boy. "Ha. Ha. Very funny, can we lose the childish pranks, grow up and get to the meeting? Not in that order; no one has the time to wait for you to become a mature member of the adult world."

Sheppard looked at him with glassy eyes and nodded, but Rodney was already on the move. It took a few jogged steps before he reached the scientist. "Is everything…completely left?"

"What are you talking about? Who's left? Are the trained monkeys complaining again? I don't see why they think I'll listen to your pitiful attempts at reining me in. First, I am not in need of behavioural changes, and second, they deserve it, every last one of them, incompetent." By the time McKay finished his rant they had made it to the briefing room and were entering under the impatient gaze of Doctor Weir and Teyla. The bored gaze from Ronon was less impressive.

"I see John has joined your tardy club, Rodney."

"Don't blame me for this! He threw me on the ground!"

"Excuse me!?"

"He walked right into me! Military types shouldn't be allowed to walk around if they can't handle it!"

Sheppard lowered himself gingerly in his seat, an action which did not fail to grab Elizabeth's attention. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, thank you, Doctor Weir. I'm very well."

Rodney stared in disbelief. "You're very well? Very well? What are you saying!?"

"I am all left."

"All left!" Rodney turned to the rest of the meeting's attendee. "Do you hear him? He's sick!"

"Maybe you should see Carson."

"No, there's no need for the medicine. I am…o…kay…" John slouched slightly in his seat before straightening up. His spine seemed to be at a loss as to what it wanted to do: curve or straighten.

Elizabeth eyed him critically before nodding. "Right," she hesitantly said, watching her Military Commander jerk in his seat, slouching one second, straightening the next.

Rodney doubtfully eyed the colonel before turning to Elizabeth. "Look at him! He's not right!"

Elizabeth frowned thoughtfully. "John? Are you sure you're feeling ok?"

When all John did was smile wider and nod, she raised her hand to her radio, watching him. "Carson?"

They waited for Carson's reply in expectant silence. Teyla and Ronon eyed John curiously while Rodney poked him with a stylus he had stolen from Miko. He poked more forcibly each time, but Sheppard simply stared at him, smiling pleasantly

"Beckett."

"Ah, Carson. Colonel Sheppard will drop by for a visit, are you free?"

"Not exactly, but Doctor LaRio has just come on duty. Is this of a, hmm, personal nature?"

"I don't quite –"

"For God's sake! Carson! I'm bringing him in; you do your job and check him out! What good are you if you won't see your own patients?!" Rodney bitched over the comm. system.

Carson rolled his eyes and sighed impatiently, putting away his research material. "Bring him in, I'll be here," he said, knowing that McKay would not let this go, and preferring to treat the colonel himself. "What seems to be the problem?"

Rodney was already standing, grabbing John's arm and pulling him out of his chair. "Ronon, you follow. I don't want to be attacked by a pod clone freak John Sheppard."

Ronon raised an eyebrow as Teyla rose from her seat. She moved to Sheppard's side and took hold of his arm. He turned to her, smiling benignly. She felt the cold of fear seep into her. Sheppard never smiled like that. He was always a predator, smiling charmingly, flirtingly, engagingly. Never like this, empty, innocent. This Sheppard was all wrong. He was too…tame. She motioned for Ronon to follow as Elizabeth communicated to Carson the very limited details of the situation.

"Whoever you are, don't do anything, I don't want to sic the Giant on you," Rodney said, menacingly, his grip tightening on Sheppard's arm as they crossed the control room. "He can have a knife to your throat like that," he assured Sheppard, letting go to snap his fingers. He then retook hold of Sheppard's arm, glaring at the man as if John had freed himself from the grasp.

The staff in the gate room looked at them curiously, but three frowning members of the first-contact team were enough to quell their gossip-thirsty ways.

Sheppard continued smiling at everyone and everything, even Rodney, the never-ending-tirade-producing machine.

They reached the infirmary and shoved Sheppard on a bed. Carson appeared a moment later. "What seems to be the problem, Colonel?"

Sheppard smiled before his eyes widened and he opened his mouth to speak.

Too late. "The problem, Carson, is that Sheppard has gone insane! Look at him, he looks stupider than usual!"

"Rodney," Teyla said reprovingly.

"What! He does!" Rodney turned toward Sheppard, his arms crossed over his chest. "Close your mouth, you incompetent gorilla!"

Sheppard complied, slouching and straightening as if continuing the earlier argument with his spine.

"See! See! That's just not right!"

Carson frowned. "I'll have to agree with that. Colonel? Can you tell me what you did this morning?" he asked, busying himself with blood-pressure cuffs and thermometer.

"Yes, I can," Sheppard answered, smiling without a hint of teasing.

Carson waited for him to go on. When he didn't, the doctor questioned him further. "Please, tell me now what you did this morning."

"I woke with the sun in my eyes in my one-fourth. I released –"

"Your one-fourth! What's a one-fourth!?"

Once more, Sheppard twitched, his eyes widened and he hung his head. "My quarters. I woke, in my quarters. I released and contracted my muscles to elongate them. I allowed my body to express satisfaction through my voice. I stood barefoot on the cold floor. I walked to the…the…water. The water room. The…washroom. I walked to the washroom and removed the black, clinging, short fabric that covered a small part of my body. I stepped into the rain enclosure and felt its warmth on my back. I felt a stirring from below and took my hardened appendage in hand. I –"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Gross! That's just – Carson! He's sick! He's insane! He's stupid and…telling us private things!" Rodney looked scandalised.

Sheppard smiled at Rodney, a real, warm and friendly smile. Rodney thought it was the most disturbing thing he had witnessed in the Pegasus Galaxy.

"Perhaps it's best if you step out while I examine him."

"Yeah, right, yeah." McKay looked at Sheppard, shivered and left.

"Carson? What is wrong with John?"

"I don't know, Teyla, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out."

Ronon said, "TMI," smiled, and followed Teyla out of the infirmary.

Carson shook his head. Soon, Ronon would be able to pass as a surfer dude. The doctor turned to Sheppard. "Well, I don't think you need to be so detailed in the day's events, Colonel. An overall view would be enough."

"View. A view? O. Kay." Sheppard rose to his feet and turned to exit the infirmary.

Carson quickly grabbed his left arm to stop his progress. "Where do you think you're going?"

A puzzled Sheppard turned back toward Carson. "I am giving you a view. My…quarters are this way."

"No, no. I meant…" Carson sighed before schooling his features in a tight smile. "Sit here and we'll do your bloodwork."

Eyes wide, Sheppard did as he had been asked. Fear was plain to see on his face, but Beckett turned away and missed it.

After a battery of test, Beckett was rather perplexed. He sat in the briefing room, trying to put words to his discovery. Rodney nudged him, to further his efforts.

"Carson! Do I look like someone who has all day, free to look at you fidget! What's wrong with him?" The scientist's face fell into a guilty expression. "He's not a bug again, is he?" he asked, suddenly more concerned for the well-being of his friend than his timetable.

Carson sighed. "Not exactly."

Elizabeth leaned forward, concern evident on her face. "Carson?"

"He…he's…a robot."

A stunned silence followed that statement. Teyla was the first to recover. "I am sorry. I may be misunderstanding. Is this an idiom? Colonel Sheppard cannot be a robot."

"I'm afraid he is. He has, in the last twenty-four hours, acquired robot bits," Carson said, shamefully unable to provide an explanation.

"Robot bits? Robot bits!" Rodney exclaimed, formulating a magnificent rant on the value of a large and varied vocabulary.

"Wires and chips and whatnots," Carson said, preventing the diatribe he could see building behind Rodney's eyes. "I'm not a bloody engineer, Rodney!"

Snap, snap went the fingers before reaching up for the earpiece. "Right, engineer." There was a pause before Rodney barked, "Zelenka!" into his radio.

Followed a short, clipped and urgent conversation between the two geniuses, but finally, Rodney returned to the meeting. "Radek's on it. He'll be waiting for you in the infirmary."

"Great, then I should go back to –"

"Carson?"

"Yes, Elizabeth?"

"If John's a robot…what happened to…" She paused, searching for the right term to qualify Sheppard, their Sheppard, the one that had non-robotic bits.

"The organic Sheppard," McKay supplied. "Where is he?"

Carson shook his head disconsolately. "I really don't know."

TBC - big surprise, eh?