After the kiss

In those first moments before fully waking up, Dorcas relived with relish the night before. He had come back after all – back to the Post Office, back to the Forge, and back to her.

When she had asked him to leave two days before, she was quite convinced it was the best course of action. Better stop everything now before she became too attached, before she had her heart broken once more. She could not deny a certain attraction to Gabriel Cochrane – as Minnie said, he was a "manly man", and she was a woman…And after that one show of temper, he had never been anything but kind towards Sydney. Moreover, she did admire his dedication to his work – after all, wasn't she the same with her Post Office ? His decision not to sell his machine, but to travel with it from farm to farm had come as a shock – she had imagined …Well, she did not exactly know what she had imagined, but certainly not that he would go quite so soon – so better to nip this girlish infatuation into the bud, and to ask him to leave immediately.

And then – he had come back. And she had to admit she was smitten. Obviously, he was no Sir Timothy, but Timothy had been part of her life since forever, and one could not compare a childhood crush with a mature love. And Timothy had gone, with his wife and child. He would not come back.

She got up, and got dressed, in her coral pink dress – one Gabriel had found "very fetching" on her once, and went down the stairs to her work, all the same wondering quite what the future entailed for Gabriel and her.

As for Gabriel – well, when he had gone to sleep in the forge, after that kiss and quite a few more, he was at the same time relieved, surprised and anxious. Relieved, because he was not quite sure, when he came back, that the fearsome Dorcas Lane would accept his change of heart. After all, she had thrown him out ! Surprised, because he had not thought he could fall in love again quite so soon after his wife's death – furthermore, her treachery, revealed by that letter found in her poetry books had cut deeply into his heart, and he had been so profoundly hurt that he had sworn to himself he would never, ever fall for another woman. Of course, Miss Lane was no fortune hunter, as had been Lisa – but she was no angel either! She certainly had a temper of her own, could be whimsical at times, and certainly had "many weaknesses". But his own hot temper was quite a match for hers, and although he tried to control it most of the time, it had gotten him many times into trouble in the past years. Anxious, because he could not quite see his future in Candleford. Of course, he could use the forge to build other machines, but Farmer Morris had helped him get a good deal on a foundry some fifty miles away, and he could not go back on that deal now. He had not yet told Dorcas that his "business" life would take him away from Candleford most of the time. And he did not like the position his loss of fortune had put him into – he did not relish the prospect of having to depend on Dorcas for financial matters. He was confident that his machine – or machines – would help him get his fortune and status back, but that would take time, and meanwhile …Well, anyway, for now, he would go and have breakfast , "one of the most important pieces of business they did at the Post Office" !

As time goes by

Nobody could ignore the fact that Dorcas Lane was in love with that handsome Gabriel Cochrane. Of course, for propriety's sake, they did not live under the same roof – Gabriel had moved into rented rooms between his new foundry and Candleford, and nothing untoward was going on between them – but sometimes looks speak louder than words…She was as efficient as always in her work, but could sometimes be found singing softly to herself – quite off-key - or with a dreamy look in her eyes.

Laura was glad for her – she had her Daniel, they were in love, and she wanted everybody around her to be happy too. Thomas was not so glad, nor so convinced by this new development. He had not taken to Gabriel Cochrane – that other male presence on the premises had bothered him from the start. Although in the very beginning he had been all for extending a Christian helping hand to that poor man who had lost his home and his wife, he did not like the way that Mr. Cochrane had wormed his way into Miss Lane's heart. There was a parent-like relationship between Thomas and Miss Lane – they had known each other for years, nearly as long as Miss Lane had known Sir Timothy. Miss Lane had taken Thomas on when he was still a lad and she was in need of help at the post-office after her father's death, and she was rather maternal towards him, as she was to all of her staff. But Thomas, especially after Matthew left to open his own forge, felt like "the man of the house", sometimes even the lord and master, and thus felt he had to protect Miss Lane from potential suitors. He looked upon Gabriel Cochrane as an opportunist who might well take advantage of Miss Lane's situation as a well-to-do single woman.

Gabriel felt torn – on one side, Dorcas, the fiery, stubborn Dorcas who had helped him recover from his wife's death and the loss of his business. On the other side – Juliette, Paris, and the prospect of an exciting new life on the other side of the Channel, far from the small-town mentality he had always found stifling. He would have to choose. He was not a good liar – his face reflected his feelings too much, and Dorcas was no fool. The story of a new order of three machines from a rich French investor, order that kept him long hours at the foundry, was one he could not spin forever, although it was only a half-lie. The rich French investor was real all right, the order too – what he had omitted was that Monsieur de Tersac, a widower, had a rather pretty nineteen-years-old daughter, just out of the convent where she had spent her teenage years, who travelled with him. This young lady had been taken by her father to Gabriel's foundry one day, as they were visiting the nearby village of Bourton-on-the-water, and she had shown much interest in the water-powered engines. Gabriel Cochrane had at first been too eager to impress Monsieur de Tersac with his foundry and his machines to notice Juliette. But she accompanied her father a second time, and then a third one …And he could not help thinking that the raven-haired, blue-eyed girl, with a slim figure and a modest bearing was rather comely.

Fresh from the convent, Juliette was not accustomed to men, and especially to "manly men" such as M. Cochrane. Quite a different specimen of manhood from Father Grégoire, the old priest who used to say mass and hear confessions at the convent …Moreover, she could see that her father, a shrewd businessman, was impressed by Gabriel's dedication to his work, and thought he could go far. Monsieur de Tersac did not encourage his daughter openly – that would not have been proper – but he had no objections to her accompanying him on his trips to the foundry. And when the time came for father and daughter to go back to France, words had to be spoken before it was too late.

"I can see you are deeply troubled, Gabriel. What's on your mind ?"

Dorcas had noticed Gabriel's preoccupied looks, his change of behavior towards her too. He was less present, for one – he said he had had a huge order at the foundry. And when he was at the post-office, his mind seemed elsewhere. He had not mentioned getting married for some time, too – and she was not getting any younger. Although Sydney was the apple of her eyes, she would have liked to have Gabriel's child. A daughter, maybe…She could share the post-office with Sydney one day !

Gabriel sighed deeply – he had to tell her, he just had to …But how could he do that to her? After Sir Timothy, after James Dowland – and he did not even know James Dowland had proposed to her too ! And yet …The boat for France was leaving in a week, and he would be on it – he owed it to himself. He had lost his father's foundry, but Monsieur de Tersac offered him a future he would never had dreamt of. A factory in the suburbs of Paris, a mansion – and a lovely wife-to-be. Better to tell Dorcas now, get it over with. But he could not.

Another letter

"Miss Lane ! Miss Lane ! What happened ? Are you hurt ?"

Hearing a low moan, and then a soft thud, Laura had rushed into the post-office, to find her employer in a dead faint on the floor, clenching a half-opened letter. She called Thomas, and they managed to carry Dorcas to her parlor and to lay her on the couch.

"Do you think we ought to call for the doctor ?" asked Laura. "She's so pale. And she still hasn't opened her eyes."

"And I wish I never had to open them again. Don't make a fuss, Laura – I'm all right. It was just a faint" said Dorcas. "Will you two leave me alone for a moment ? I need a little time to myself. Laura, please take over at the counter.'

"Certainly, Ma'am. Are you sure you'll be all right ?"

"Quite all right, thank you."

And Laura and Thomas had to go downstairs, repressing their curiosity…

However, Miss Lane was definitely not "all right". That night, she took to her bed, and simply did not get up the following morning. To Minnie, to Laura, to her cousin Emma, she refused to give any explanation. Indeed, she refused to see anyone, Minnie was the only one allowed in the bedroom, to bring broths and cups of tea – any other food was left uneaten on the trays. She asked Minnie to tell Sydney she feared contagion, and thus forbade him to enter the room, but she knew fully well it was a lie. Heartbreak is usually not contagious.

And Dorcas knew hers was broken forever. It had been weakened by Timothy, crazed by Mr Delafield, split by James Dowland – but Sydney had helped in the mending – and now it had been smashed to smithereens by Gabriel's letter. Was this a kind of divine revenge? A way for the sky to punish her for the many times she had meddled in her neighbors' affairs after having noticed something in their post? She was not sure she believed in God, but if there was one, he had certainly forsaken her.

He had not even had the courage to tell her of his departure face to face – coward ! But all men were cowards – except maybe her father. And even her father – had he not always told her that "love never crosses the great divide of social class"? Was it not a way to avoid any trouble with the established order and morality of the times at the cost of her happiness?

She now understood those periods where her father was unreachable, though. Because she was quite sure she would never leave her bed again. She had no energy, no real will to live. She never wanted to see another letter again.

"In many's the face the joy he can trace

In many's the grief he can see" (Postman's knock lyrics)

Indeed ! And this time the grief was too heavy to bear…

A need for action

The Misses Pratt, after a few days of coming in the post-office and never seeing Miss Lane, obviously enquired after her. Laura was so worried she confided in them. They tried to see Dorcas, but the door remained close. Although they would have loved to reveal to all and sundry the real reason of Miss Lane's indisposition, they were also sincerely worried for their neighbor and friend. Even Queenie was sent away – Miss Lane asked Minnie to tell her that she was "quite well, she only needed to rest for a while".

Days passed, weeks passed. Minnie was frantic – she told Laura that Miss Lane was "all skin and bones, she is – and so pale you'd think she was a ghost". Laura was still forbidden to go into the room, and was so worried she had become to lose weight too. She had dark-ringed eyes, and she seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulder. Thomas had begun to bite his nails again, and they were so raw Margaret could not help tutting whenever she saw his hands. One night, as he was sitting at home with his hands in his head, sighing heavily, she mustered up her courage and said "Thomas, my dear, it is not for me to say, of course, but …You saved Miss Lane's post-office once already, it seems that you might have to do something again."

My dear Margaret, I would not want to go against God's will. If He wants her to suffer, who am I to try and interfere ?

Can it be God's will to let a human being suffer so much, though he has not done anything wrong ? Miss Lane has already suffered many losses in her life, it does not seem fair that she has to bear all this, and all alone. She has done no harm, God punishes sinners, but surely she has not sinned that much ?

You are right, Margaret – God is merciful, and everybody deserves a helping hand. I have to do something, and quickly, before something happens to her. We must pray, now more than ever – I'll ask the vicar to say a special prayer to relieve her of her burdens. "

Oh Thomas ! Are you sure Miss Lane would want to be mentioned aloud by the vicar during the service ?

"Yet not my will, but Yours be done" (Luke), Margaret !

It was Margaret's turn to sigh – she was a believer, of course, but her dear Thomas relied all too much on God. What was needed here was action, not prayer. She did not want to enlist Laura's help – for a young girl, she already had too many charges with the post-office and Sydney. Emma too had too much to do with her children, and coping with Robert being away. Who could she turn to? And then, she knew – there was someone who had experienced heartbreak too, and who was fond of Miss Lane.

Delicate company to the rescue

" No, Minnie, I told you to leave the curtains closed ! The sun hurts my eyes – can't you ever do what you're told, girl ?

Minnie is downstairs, dear Miss Lane – I though …Well, we thought – oh, how shall I say that – that Miss Ruby and I could be of assistance to you in your hours of need …provide some delicate company, maybe …

Leave me alone, Margaret ! I do not need your help, or anyone's. I just need to rest, and sleep. I don't want company, delicate or not !

Miss Lane. Dorcas. Please listen to me. Do you remember how you helped me when I came back from Pontefract ? I could not turn to my sister for help, and you were there to listen and assist me through my difficult times. You know how you always speak of the constant care for others ? People needing people ? This is how it works – one good turn deserves another. We are here for you now. And we will not let you waste away. That Gabriel Cochrane did not deserve you. It is good riddance to bad rubbish, if I may say so …Please talk to us

Ruby …Yes, I remember your Cornish suitor, and my meddling in your affairs; and my own words coming back to me …you mean I should listen to my own advice and stop interfering in everyone's affairs…I counsel others about love, and yet I seem unable to keep a man. Emma was right – I am not made for marriage, nor for happiness. I am condemned to live vicariously through the mail of Candleford people. And now leave me ! I wish to be alone.

We will not. We will stay here until you feel able to begin to live again. You can talk if you wish, be silent if you would rather be silent. But we will stay. And I have brought with me some of Pearl's blancmange and macaroons one of our suppliers sent us from Paris. Sweets are always a comfort – and you know you like macaroons, Miss Lane.

"food is my one weakness…" I wish it was - if only sweets could cure a broken heart…

Although she was deep into the realms of melancholia, or maybe because she was – didn't the psychiatrists Miss Lane was so fond of reading describe a "state of mental depression in which the misery is unreasonable", Dorcas very soon tired of having those two silent presences in her bedrooms. She found it unbearable, and sometimes felt as if she would go mad if it went on – if she was not mad already ! And yet part of her felt like she was not quite ready to give up on life yet. She was somehow aware that staying in bed was not a solution. Laudanum, suggested by Pearl Pratt in a letter accompanying a small phial of the product, did not appeal either. She had read too much about its effect on people – it was, it seemed, addictive – you became unable to function without it.

And so she began to talk to Ruby and Margaret, about small things at first – the state of her garden – she had always been fond of roses, the new spring fashions …and sometimes she let herself be drawn into confidence, and spoke of her childhood with her father, and with Timothy. She did not ever mention Gabriel Cochrane – it was as if he had never existed, as if she had wiped him out of her memory. Both Ruby and Margaret knew it was not so, of course, but they also knew Dorcas was not a talker – she had always been ready to listen and counsel, but she rarely spoke of herself or her own feelings. It was as if she wore a shell, and she was afraid that if she let anything out, or anyone in, this shell would shatter into pieces, and her mind and soul with it. So she was that strange mixture of shyness and extraversion often found in stage people – when she was behind her counter or in public, she appeared to be a very sociable and even outgoing, but she was actually a very private person who rarely confided in others.

Then one day, she asked for her brushes, comb, and hair curlers – her Alexandra fringe had been sorely neglected during her long stay in bed, and her usually glowing hair had acquired a dull patina. With that came the mirror, and what she saw in it must have frightened her – at her age, sudden weight loss brings sunken cheeks and hollow eyes, and makes you age ten years in a week. Little by little, her appetite came back, and she began to tire of oxtail broth and calves foot jelly, and enjoy her food again, especially sweetmeats and ice cream. Luckily, Minnie's cooking had improved a lot since she first came to live at the Post Office, and she was so happy to see her employer showing an interest in food again she became adventurous and endeavored to cook "those new-fangled recipes" Laura had read about in The Lady. Vegetable chartreuses and grilled mackerel with gooseberry sauce, chicken croquettes and cheese ramekins made their way upstairs, sometimes met by a great astonishment on the part of Ruby, Margaret and Dorcas. Laura objected to Minnie cooking a "pigeons in their coffin pie", although Thomas had caught three beautiful fat birds on his round – her writer's soul rebelled at the name!

Dorcas began to sleep better at night – the terrible nightmares that had woken her up in pools of sweat and prevented her from going back to sleep abated, and the siestas she took during the days became unpurposed. Finally, the boredom of staying in bed overcame the emptiness she still experienced, and her sense of duty to the post office and her customers came back to her. She also felt guilty about having let Laura shoulder the responsibility of the business during all those years.

The day she went down for the first time in weeks was a day of rejoicing for all the post office "family" – not so much for her, as she was still in a kind of limbo. She did not want to feel again – it was too painful. And so if outwardly she was as before – only kind of sharper both in looks and in tone – inwardly she was frozen. Sidney, Laura, Minnie and Thomas, relieved and delighted to have Miss Lane back, could see she was not herself yet. They sensed it would take time for her to get back to her normal self.

Eight months later …

A train accident

Daniel rushed into the post office and positioned himself besides the telegraph machine with his notepad and pen – he was panting quite heavily, and seemed to be in a state of extreme agitation.

Heavens, Daniel! What is it? What happened? You look as if you'd heard the sky had fallen somewhere nearby!

Not the sky, Miss Lane, no, but the train! A friend of mine has just come from Oxford, and the London to Oxford train of 7.30 has collided with a Liverpool express! Both trains were on the same line, and the signalman seems to have been drunk. Whatever the reason, anyways, he was unable to perform his duty properly, and there was an accident – the trains crashed, many were injured, and two of the carriages burst out into flames. He went back at speed to Oxford after telling me, hoping to learn more, and he's going to telegraph me the news.

My goodness! How awful! Those poor people!

Dorcas was interrupted by the sound of the telegraph machine coming to life. "I've got it, Ma'am", said Laura who had come to see what the fuss was about.

"Huge catastrophe/ At least 12 dead/ Lord and Lady Aucksley with nurse and child/ Reverend Gloucester / Earl of Canterfield/ Lady Handfield /Lady Midwinter and nurse/ Miss Renshaw/Miss Farham identified / More later/ Harry."

When Laura stopped writing and turned back to the others, she was ashen.

What is it, Laura ? Let me see

Oh Ma'am …It's …People were killed, and …Oh Ma'am ! Lady Adelaide …

Dorcas stifled a cry: "Lady Adelaide ? And Timothy ? What about Timothy ?"

Daniel snatched the sheet of paper from Laura's hand : "He is not on the list, Miss Lane. Harry is an accurate fellow – he would have checked his facts before sending the telegram"

[TO BE CONTINUED]