Chapter one
October 5, 2011
Dear Diary,
School sucks. I want to murder everyone here. The only time I feel happy is in shop when I can saw through wood and hammer nails into things and pretend its people that I hate. I don't have many friends, none in fact… I don't even know why I am writing a diary. Dr. Harmon said that it would be good to get my feeling out somewhere, so I guess that's why I'm doing this. I don't like to talk to people, or get close to them because I know I will lose them one day. My mom and sister and Dr. Harmon are different. My sister will always be here, so will Nora. Were all stuck there like bees in a trap. So its ok if I am friends with them. They will always be here. I think someone else lives in the house other than Dr, Harmon and his wife, a girl my age. I will talk to you tomorrow.
October 6, 2011
Dear diary,
School still sucks. But today after my session with Dr. Harmon I was exploring the house like usual and then I saw her. I was in the main living room when she came down the staircase in a flowing skirt and a green cardigan. Her face was glowing like the moon but she had a strange darkness to her, which I liked. I followed her back up the stairs when she went back up and she walked into the bathroom. I peeked through the door, even though it was no use because she can't see me. I had my head through the door and I saw a razor blade in her hand. She slid is slowly across her wrist like it was nothing. There was no pain on her face, only a blank look in her eyes. I only watched as the number of cuts grew by the second. I didn't know I was going to, but I subconsciously made myself visible and pushed the door open. Her face in the mirror suddenly became scared and her eyes were the size of headlights. "You're doing it wrong." I said emotionlessly. "If you're trying to kill yourself, cut vertically." I added. She just stared at me. I couldn't read the emotion on her face. I stayed monotone somehow and said "They can't stitch that up." She was still scared but her attitude showed as she said, "How'd you get in here?" I kept blank as I said, "If you're trying to kill yourself you might also try locking the door." And vanished. She looked confused as she turned around to see me gone. I went to the basement to sit down for a while. I was not allowed to like her. Even if I did like her I couldn't. I couldn't become close to her because I would lose her one day. But I didn't really care. I think I liked her.
October 7, 2011
Dear Diary,
I love Violet. I think I do… I know that she is beautiful and that she is different…just different and I can sense a little bit of darkness in her, like me. I've been watching her lately…I even talk to her sometimes. She makes me feel alive again, like a normal kid. I like to watch her sleep, too. I sit in her desk chair and smell her shirts because they smell just like her. I just like to look at her. When she's sleeping she looks so calm and peaceful…and I can't see the sadness in her eyes that is always there. She's broken just like me, except she only has a scratch. I have shattered into millions of pieces; each one has a little part of me that I keep losing…but violet? She's helping to bring me back. I can feel it. And the more I love her the harder it will be when she leaves so I need to stop. I need to detach myself; it's not good for me. But it's so hard not to love her. Maybe it is what I need, Love. Maybe it can help me. Dr. Harmon always said that love can help people, even people like me.
October 8, 2011
Dear Diary,
I talked to Violet today. We hung out in her backyard and had a few smokes. She wanted to go to the beach but she doesn't know that I can't leave the house so I just told her that my legs hurt and I didn't want to go there today. I finally got the courage to visit her in her room and I just walked in and started looking through her music. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked with a snippy but curious voice. "No Van Halen? What's up with that?" I said back casually, hoping not to scare her away like I did everyone else. She looked at me skeptically and crossed her arms over her chest. When she did that her sleeves rode up and I could see the scars on her forearms. "You don't try to cover those up?" I asked as simply as possible, knowing it would be a somewhat rude question, but it just slipped out of my mouth, like I had no filter around her… she had a strange affect on me. "Well I didn't think anyone random would be in my room on a Saturday." She said. I loved her attitude. She seems so innocent and fragile on first notice, but I could sense that she was in no way fragile. "Life is full of surprises isn't it?" I said, hoping to sound poetic and make a good impression on her…this is only our 3rd or so occurrence. "Why don't we go sit outside, I know you smoke and I've just bought a pack of Marlboro." I said, hoping to intrigue her. "Okay" she said, still skeptical but I could tell she would like me eventually. Sorry for such a long entry, I'm starting to like writing these. They help me to "be my own therapist" like Dr. Harmon said. He says I need to be an anchor for myself when he won't be there with me. I think it is hard to be my own anchor because I am a ship and I am half the size of the world and the anchor in me is only a few pounds trying to hold me down.
October 12, 2011
Dear Diary,
I have been spending a lot of time with Violet the past couple of days. She knows I like her and I think she likes me too. We even kissed a few times. She doesn't really go to school, she says she doesn't like it and would rather stay here and spend time with me. That made me feel really happy. To know that I could make her feel happy and that she wants to spend time with me just as much as I have the ache to see her. Most of the time we just talk. About anything that comes up. One time we showed each other all of our scars and we kissed for a long time after that. I remember it all very clearly ;There was a song playing I think it was called 'Special Death' it made the whole setting almost peacefully eerie I remember every word we've spoken to each other. "This one is from when we moved here. I wanted to stay at our old house. I didn't really have friends there either but this house makes me feel…weird" Violet said as she pointed to a few slits on her forearm that we fading. "And this one is from when…" Violet continued. I only showed her the important scars. "This ones from the day I first saw you. I felt confused and I loved you, Violet… I never want you to ever get hurt." I said as I grabbed her arms and pressed kisses to each scar until my lips had reached the bottom of her hand. Tears were dripping down her cheeks as well as mine and I pushed them away with my thumb. "Promise me…promise me you will never, ever cut yourself again. You hear me?" I said with a shaky voice. "I promise…" she said back in her small, glass doll voice. At that moment I felt like she could shatter at any moment. And I didn't want her to shatter. I didn't want her to be like me, Tainted and Broken. She was my salvation, my world, the only light I have ever known and she needed to never break because I could not watch her break and slowly crack into shards like I did. I couldn't watch it. And I won't. I will make sure of that.