Okay...So, this is my first Phantom of the Opera story, so I would like to say hello to the phantom fandom and if i offend anyone in this story, i apologize. Some of the crap you are about to read is just unforgivable. I LOVE Erik, so be prepared to see Raoul ripped A LOT. Also, please dont be angry at me for any misspellings. If i misspell anything, im sorry, I suck at spelling things in french LOL. Hmm...I think thats all i have to say...Oh yeah: R & R or die, and thank you for reading.
ATTENTION: I would like you all to meet Keith Scott, our narrator, better known as the narrator from George of the Jungle. Say hi, Keith!
Keith: 'sup?
Phantom of the Opera: On Crack ACT 1 Part 1
AUCTIONEER:Greetings, hello, and good evening one and all! I would like to welcome you warmly to what once was the magnificent Opera Populaire, where we are about to begin our auction of various antique items. But, before that happens, I would like to thank you all graciously for your patronage! My, my, do we have a full house tonight, or what?
( cricket noises as all seven and a half people who showed up stare at the AUCTIONEER blankly)
AUCTIONEER: Ha ha(fake laugh)...(mutters)I hate this job. Shall we begin?
MADAME GIRY: LETS GET THIS SHIT STORM ON THE ROAD! I'M 2 MILLION FRICKING YEARS OLD, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK I CAN STAND HERE LISTENING TO YOU FLAP YOUR FILTHY GUMS BEFORE MY ARMS FALL OFF AND MY INSIDES FALL OUT MY BUTT HOLE, SIR?
AUCTIONEER: SHUT YOUR SLUT TRAP, YOUNG LADY! AND I USE YOUNG VERY LOOSLY! (takes a deep breath, clams down) Ahem...Let us begin.
RAOUL: (snore) *gurgle gurgle* (snore)
NURSE: Monsieur? Monsieur De Chagney...(taps him on the shoulder)Wake up, Monsieur!
RAOUL: (waking up from God knows what he was dreaming about)PEEWEE HERMAN'S BALLSACK!
(cricket noises...)
NURSE: Monsieur, please! Hush! People are starting to stare at my large hat!
RAOUL: Are you sure? I think it's your large ass they are staring at.
NURSE: (death glare)
AUCTIONEER: (irritated) Will that conclude this hour of random outbursts, Monsieur Vicomte De Chagney? Thank you. Now, first up, we have this freakish monkey thing that is either a sex toy of sorts or a music box. I suppose it works both ways...Uh...So I've been told.
RANDOM DUDE: Monsieur, that is just a music box.
AUCTIONEER: Opps...Well, lets start the bidding at 15 Francs.
MADAME GIRY: 200 HUNDRED MILLION TRILLION BAJILLION OCTILLION SEXTILLION THOUSAND ZILLION-
RAOUL: 35 Francs!
AUCTIONEER: SOLD! To the Vicomte De Chagney who is accompanied by the outrageously large-assed nurse with the hat that makes her look like a really pissed off ostrich!
RAOUL: Told you.
NURSE: (turns off his oxygen tank)
RAOUL: *flops out of wheel chair, gasping for air*
NURSE: (Sigh) Someday, but not today. *turns tank back on*
RAOUL: Woah! WTF was that? Oh, well! HA HA HA HA I GOT THE MONKEY SEX TOY/MUSIC BOX!
MADAME GIRY: SCREW YOU, DE CHAGNEY!
RAOUL: HA HA SUCK IT, GIRY!
MADAME GIRY: (Ahmed the dead terrorist accent) I KEEL YOU!
RAOUL: NO, I KEEL YOU!
MADAME GIRY: I NEVER LIKED YOU!
RAOUL: LIKEWISE!
MADAME GIRY: YOUR MOTHER IS A HOOKER
RAOUL: YOUR VOICE MAKES ME WANT TO BEAT UP SMALL CHILDREN AND STEAL THEIR LUNCH MONEY!
MADAME GIRY: YOUR FACE MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP ON YOUR FACE AND DIE!
RAOUL: (happily as if nothing happened) Delighted to see you again, my dear lady.
MADAME GIRY: It is quite wonderful to have the pleasure of seeing you again.
RAOUL: Totally, now if you don't mind, I'm going to stare intensely at this monkey.
RAOUL: (staring at the monkey)
OMINOUS VOICE: (singing) A collector's piece indeed...every detail exactly as she said...will you still play when all the rest of us are dead?
RAOUL: SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME SALLY! WTF WAS THAT? AM I DYING?
OMINOUS VOICE: What?
RAOUL: OMG YOU'RE JESUS, AREN'T YOU?I CAN SEE THE LIGHT! I'M COMIN' GRANNY! I'M COMIN'!
OMINOUS VOICE: Erm...no, actually...I'm not Jesus.
RAOUL: Oh...m'kay...what do you want?
OMINOUS VOICE: oh, nothin'...Just here to warn the peoples at home watching that something batshit crazy is about to go down up in here, son!
RAOUL: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
(everyone stares)
AUCTIONEER: Sorry to interrupt your little quarrel with the imaginary voice inside you telling you to do shameful things, but does anyone remember that whole clusterfuck that happened a few decades ago with the mysterious Phantom of the Opera(DUN DUN DUN)? WTF was that? Seriously, did anyone hear that dun dun dun, thing? Well, any who, I'm super like stoked to tell you that we have the chandelier that the phantom like totally cut the rope on to escape with the sexy ass opera singer he was trying to get to sleep with him, which I must say is pretty bitchin' and makes for a really kick ass movie scene. Well, enough of my, as MADAME GIRY put it, "gum flapping"! LIGHT THAT SHIT UP LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY!
(they unveil the chandelier, it lights up, overture starts playing and everything is turning to color)
RAOUL: HOLY ASS CRACKERS! THIS IS LIKE A BAD ACID TRIP!
End ACT 1 Part 1
Sorry it was so short and kinda sucky...the next ones are way better. I just had no idea how to make this scene funny. Next chapter will be up soon if I get reviews!