Afternoon at the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob was cooking on the grill, and Squidward had the day off, so they had a temp working the cash register. The sponge was humming happily as he lavishly flipped some Krabby patties, managing to work in a pirouette whilst preparing the buns with their items. When finished, he brought out the orders and delivered them to their respective tables. Suddenly, the doors flew open and a very angry octopus dressed in a maroon smoking jacket with black trim, a lavender neckerchief tucked into the collar, and sporting a black unibrow on his large forehead, burst in.
"Where is that cashier!?" He yelled. The current temp cashier looked horrified.
"Uh.. M-may I help you, Mr. Fancyson?" He asked, gulping audibly.
"Where is Squidward?" Squilliam demanded as he made his way to the cash register.
"H-he's not here.. He has the day off."
"He was supposed to meet me for lunch - an HOUR AND A HALF AGO!" The wealthy octopus bellowed. SpongeBob, who'd finished serving people ran up to Squilliam, beaming. "And I'm starving!" The angry cephalopod finished.
"Hi, Squilliam!" He greeted the newcomer excitedly. "Squidward's not here today - come to think of it, he wasnt here yesterday even though he was scheduled..." By this time, Mr. Krabs had scuttled out and joined them, intrigued by having such a rich customer stop in.
"But he has to be here!" Squilliam cried.
"Did you check his home?" SpongeBob suggested.
"Yes! And he isn't there either, or else I wouldn't be looking HERE for him!" The agitated octopus growled.
"Say, Mr. Squilliam." Mr. Krabs broke in. "How about you have a seat and order something for yer empty stomach? It's never good to try and think when you're starving.. Eh-eh-eh!"
"Oh, drop it already, you penny pincher!" Squilliam snapped, being quite familiar with the type and having no patience to play the game. Then he got an idea. "Until Squiddy is standing here before me, I'm not buying ANYTHING here!"
This resulted in Krabs ultimately escorting the wealthy one out of the place, saying his restaurant wasn't for loiterers - unless they were willing to pay, which Squilliam definitely hadn't been.
((Scene End - 's not letting me use my asterisks for some reason..))
It was late that night when Squilliam's phone suddenly rang, waking him from his sleep. Groaning and yawning, he fumbled around until he found his bedside phone and drug it under the covers where he was still curled up. "..Hello-oo..?" He just managed a very groggy version of his usual three-syllabled greeting. Someone sniffled on the other end. "Who is this and why are you bothering me at.." He checked the clock. "2 in the morning!?" He demanded.
"Sq-Squilliam?" He vaguely thought he recognized the voice, but he wasnt sure. "Have you found Squidward, yet?"
"NO, I haven't!" He grouched in reply. "Why? Who is this?!"
"Be-because Patrick's gone too! I haven't seen him since Sunday when we spent the afternoon at Jellyfish Fields, jelly fishing.."
"Ohh..! So what?" The tired octopus had a mind to hang up on whoever was whining on the other end.
"So, if you haven't found Squidward and I can't find Patrick either-"
"Who is this!?" Squilliam broke in furiously.
"Oh, SpongeBob Squarepants! Sorry!"
"..Who?" Squilliam just wasn't awake enough for this. "I don't know any SpongePants SquareBob!"
"No, no, SpongeBob SquarePants! I'm Squidward's best buddy and neighbour!" Squilliam yawned, it was starting to come to him.
"Oh.. You mean the yellow barnacle brain he's always complaining about.. The one who sneaks into his house, ends up in his shower and watches him sleep..?" He was yawning.
"That's the one!" The voice on the other end said, sounding very proud and not at all hurt by Squilliam's less than complimentary description of him. "You're great at 20 Questions! We should play more often!" Squilliam sat up in bed, fully awake now.
"Oh, what a great idea! Here's one for you: What am I going to do to you when I get my hands on you?! Take your best guess!"
"Ohhh! I let me think.. this is a hard one..." Squilliam waited patiently while the sponge considered. Finally.. "Are you going to give me a BIG HUG and join me in searching for Squidward and Patrick?" The sponge sounded very happy.
"Yeah, we'll call it a 'hug'.." Then it hit him. "J-join you?"
"Yeah! If we both look, we'll be sure to find them faster!"
"You really don't have all your marbles, do you?"
"Oh, no.. See, I lent them out to.. to.." The other's voice was cracking. "P-PATRICK!" He wailed. "Because he needed some more!" Squilliam groaned.
"I am NOT helping you look, and I want to sleep! Don't bother me again!" He slammed the phone down on the receiver, then scooted back down in his bed with a sigh.
"Oh, please, Squilliam!" And he sat bolt upright and gaped at the sponge that was now standing next to his bed.
"How-how did you.. did you..?" He sputtered in shock, he'd never quite believed Squidward when the other had told him about things like this with his neighbor; had always figured it to be an embellishment on Squidward's part. Apparently, it was not only not an embellishment, but, in fact, very, very true in its horror. The sponge then threw himself on the cephalopod and bawled, his flood of tears soaking both of them. Squilliam grit his teeth, trying to pry the other from his person.
"Ok, you little stalker! Get off me! And quit that sniveling all over me and my expensive nightshirt!" The sponge seemed to get a slight hold of himself, but instead of letting go of his death grip on Squilliam, he just looked up, meeting his eyes.
"W-was it very expensive?" He asked, eyes still full of tears and, to Squilliam's revulsion, snot running from his nose.
"It cost more than your entire life!" He answered.
"Oh.. I'm so sorry, Squilliam.. I didn't know.." With a hand he began smoothing the shirt over Squilliam's chest. "I-I've just been worried sick over our friends! What if something bad's happened to them?! What if they're lost somewhere cold and hungry and scared?! Or what if they've been locked up by some terrible bad guy who's going to make them his slave and sell them off to a circus as a sideshow act because of Squidward's big nose and Patrick's never-ending appetite?" Squilliam gawked at the sponge for a moment, then raised one side of his unibrow.
"Your imagination defies description." Squilliam critiqued, feeling a migraine threatening.
"Aren't you worried about Squidward too?" The sponge asked. "You said yourself he wasn't at home or the Krusty Krab. When was the last time you saw him?"
"Ohh.." He moaned, rubbing his head. "Not since Sunday, when we were laughing at you and that fat starfish getting stung by jelly fish." He said nonchalantly.
"Oh, I didn't get stung, that was P-P-P-Patrick!" He started wailing again and his two-armed death grip was back in place. Squilliam was, momentarily, helpless to do anything but grind his teeth and seethe quietly as the other turned his bed into a expensive and plush swimming pool.
Sometime later, he realized the crying had stopped, then the sponge spoke, breaking into his fantasies of clobbering the unwelcome guest. "Squilliam.. You have to help me search for them. You're one of the smartest guys I know - after Sandy, of course, but she's not a guy.."
"Imagine that.." Squilliam had to cut in sarcastically.
"But you know Squidward almost as well as I do, so you'll be good at noticing clues." The sponge finished. Squilliam remembered bits of another story where the sponge had taken Squidward's vacuum and when the octopus had gone over to get it, the sponge's entire house had been redecorated as an exact clone of the inside of Squidward's house, right down to the most minute detail. Again, he hasn't taken it seriously, but was starting to seem disturbingly plausible.
"Are you going to cry again?" He asked.
"I really miss them!" The sponge cried.
"Cut the waterworks and listen carefully, for I have some very, very important questions." He began, speaking slowly so the sponge could follow. The sponge nodded. "Are you going to keep pestering me unless I agree?" Again the sponge nodded. "And how long until you give up?"
"Never! I'll never give up on my friends when they need me!" The sponge proclaimed.
"I was afraid you'd say that.." He groaned.
"How can YOU give up on your friend?" The sponge suddenly shot at him.
"Oh, shut up! Fine, I'll help you on one condition!" He snapped.
"Y-yes? Anything!"
"You get off of me right this instant and STOP RUINING MY STUFF!" He yelled. The sponge hugged him tightly, burying his face in Squilliam's chest.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Squilliam!" He cried, muffled.
"So.. MOVE IT ALREADY!" The angry octopus snarled. The sponge slowly got up, and off the bed. Squilliam groaned, threw back the covers and got out of bed. "Now, you get out of my bedroom so I can get dressed! - NOW!" He literally chased the delighted sponge out.
"Thank you so much, Squilliam, you won't regret-" and Squilliam slammed the door in his face.
"If I do, I'll make sure you do too.." He muttered under his breath as he headed to his wardrobe.
15 mins later, he opened his bedroom door and the sponge fell into the room at his feet. "Were you spying on me?!"
"I just wanted to know how long you'd take." The sponge explained. Squilliam growled and began heading down the hallway to his elevator - yes, the whirlpool one, but didn't turn that feature on. "So, Squilliam, what are we going to do first? Oh, I know! We'll check their houses for clues! This'll be so fun, you and I as great detectives to rescue our friends!"
"We are not doing ANYTHING until I've had a cup of coffee! - or an entire pot.." He added grouchy.
"But, Squilliam, there's no time for that, we have to hurry!"
"If there isn't, I'm going right back to bed." Squilliam said firmly. They headed to the kitchen where Squilliam started up his fancy coffee maker. He set it to a strong espresso, for if he was to deal with the emotional and irritating sponge for any amount of time, he was going to need a full bodied caffeine shot. As he took the cup and put it to his lips, he realized the sponge was staring at him. He took a slow sip, enjoying the strong liquid as it went down his throat. Then he glanced down at the sponge.
"Oh, did you want one too? Please..." He said, stepping away from the machine and giving an elaborate gesture. "Do be my guest!"
"No.." The sponge responded.
"Then what is it?!" He took another long and slow sip.
"I'm just waiting for you to hurry and finish so we can get started." SpongeBob explained.
"Oh. Have fun." Squilliam said, smirking a little. He had no intentions of hurrying, and punctuated this point by taking yet another slow sip, enjoying it deeply. If the sponge thought he could continue annoying Squilliam, the rich octopus could certainly deal him out a healthy proportion. He was a master at this, and would enjoy every moment of it. And so, he drank not one, but three cups before finally turning off the machine. Aside from the fact that the sponge was itching to go, he'd done a good job of not showing how annoyed he was. Squilliam couldn't know that it took a lot more to actually upset his porous opponent. The sponge had actually passed the time by looking around Squilliam's kitchen, which Squilliam had silently observed. He'd even remained quiet as the sponge had started opening cupboards and drawers, looking at various kitchen utensils.
"So, my little Porifera!" Squilliam suddenly exclaimed as the sponge was reaching for some very expensive and sharp Japanese knives. "Shall we begin?" And the sponge scurried over to him.
"Yes! Unless you need another cup?" He said, looking up at the wealthy octopus.
"Hmm.." Squilliam began, then put his empty cup next to the sink. "No, I'm good."
"Okay!" And the two left the room. He lead the sponge to his study, where he grabbed a pen and paper to leave a note for his butler. Sure, he could just wake his staff, but saw no reason to do so. He then lead the sponge out to his carport, where he had a collection of very fancy boat mobiles. Some even limited or exclusive editions. He brought the sponge to a beautiful white one. They got in, Squilliam in the driver's side, and buckled himself in.
"You drive, Squilliam? I thought you always had people chauffeur you around in your limos." The sponge asked him.
"I'm a man of many talents. Now," he started the car. "Buckle up and hang on tight!" He revved the engine, shifted into reverse and slowly backed the car out. Then the two drove off for Conch Street. Despite the seahorse power under the hood, Squilliam was a careful and alert driver. The sponge was in awe.
"You know, you drive well! Maybe even as good as Squidward! He's the best driver I know! Hey, did you know that once he was in the boating school with me, and-"
"Do you know I don't care?" Squilliam cut in. "As for Squidward's driving, I could tell you a few things about it!"
"Oh, you could? Oh, I'd love to hear them!" And he fixed the octopus with an expectant look, as though a child eagerly awaiting his bedtime story.
"I'll bet you would.." Squilliam muttered. "The point is, I'm a FAR better driver than him! MY license has been bronzed and written in pure silver ink! The photo covered with a sheet of thin crystal!"
"Woooow!" The sponge was eating it up. "Have you been driving long?"
"Since I was six!" He said.
"Six? But six year old kids can't drive boats! It's against the boating laws!"
"Funny, that's the same thing my dad said.. In fact, he kept claiming that until I was 12 and got accepted into a very prestigious and exclusive driving school." Squilliam commented. Ok, so it had been juvenile hall, but the sponge didn't need to know that. It also hadn't been for driving, exactly.. Well, him driving the car at 12 hadn't been as big of a 'no-no' as was the fact he'd been trying to run his father down with it. More things the sponge didn't need to know.
"Wooow! Gosh, Squilliam! I knew you were successful, rich and handsome, but I never knew you got into boating school at 12! How long did it take you to get your license? I've been trying for years now, but always fail the driving test at the end!" Squilliam was rolling his eyes.
"I passed my tests with flying colors and got my license in only 11 minutes!" Squilliam smirked, watching the sponge out of the corner of his eye.
"Oh! Oh-oh-oh! Squilliam?" The sponge was bouncing in his seat.
"What?" Squilliam prompted him to go on.
"Would you, maybe please, teach me? Because you're such a great driver, maybe with your help I could finally learn enough to pass my own test and get my license too!"
"Oh! well, gee! Give me a couple seconds to think about that honor you bestow upon me!" he paused, checked his mirrors and, signaling, changed lanes. "Not in your wildest dreams." He said flatly.
"Oh, please!"
"No."
"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"
"Forget it."
"With two cherries?"
"I'm not talking to you anymore."
"With.. TEN cherries and an extra dollop of whipped cream?"
"Maybe if Squidward poses as the plate.." He said softly, licking his lips at the image.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing. We're almost there, by the way." He replied as he turned onto Conch Street. He eyed the pineapple and Squidward's house as he pulled up in front of the Easter island head and turned off the engine. He realized the sponge was just a little too quiet. He glanced down and the sponge was grinning hugely at him. "What's wrong with you? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?" He checked himself in the rear view mirror and found his fabulous facade to be well in it's usual state of absolute perfection. He wiggled his perfectly groomed unibrow. Then he opened the door and got out. "So, come.. Or did you forget we're supposed to be searching for Squiddy?" The sponge jumped out of the car as the two headed up to Squidward's house.
"And Patrick! No, I didn't forget!" At the door, Squilliam rapped firmly on it. Maybe the octopus would be there - then Squilliam would make him sorely wish he wasn't. Standing up a lunch date with the fabulous Fancyson did not go unpunished. He realized the sponge was still grinning at him, but chose to ignore it. After a couple minutes with no answer, he growled and tried the knob. It was locked. He took out his keys, of which he had a copy of Squidward's house key, and unlocked the door. The door opened to reveal the sponge already inside Squidward's house.
"Hi, Squilliam! Come in!" He exclaimed, then laughed his annoying laugh. Squilliam rubbed his eyes in disbelief.
"How-how did you..?"
"Oh, the window was open!" Squilliam growled and strode inside. He should have a word with the sponge, but had other things on his mind now. He went up the stairs to Squidward's bedroom, threw the door open and stomped in. He immediately saw Squidward wasn't there. The bed was empty. He looked around the room a bit, then left the room and he and the sponge checked the rest of the house. Went they met back up in the living room, Squilliam spoke.
"Find anything?"
"No, he's not in the bathroom and the shower hasn't been used in days!" The sponge said.
"So you're saying you didn't see his corpse laying in the tub?" He asked.
"Nope! No corpses here!"
"How about skeletons in his closets?" He knew the sponge wouldn't get the joke, but couldn't help it.
"Oh, I didn't think of checking those, thank you! I knew you were smart, Squilliam!" spongeBob exclaimed and ran off, leaving a miffed octopus staring after him. He shook his head and looked around Squidward's living room. However, there was nothing out of order here either, that he could tell.
Shortly the sponge was back. "No skeletons in his closets either! He's also not under any rugs, or the bed, or.."
"Were you dropped on your head as a baby? Or was it paint chips?" He interrupted, rudely.
"Oh, I don't think so.." He seemed to be thinking about this.
"Come ON! We're not finding anything here!" Squilliam said. The two headed out of the house and as he made his way to his car, SpongeBob stopped him.
"Aren't we going to check Patrick's house now?"
"Why would I do that?"
"What if Squidward's with Patrick!? There might be clues there!" The sponge cried. The octopus groaned.
"Make it quick!" And followed the sponge to Patrick's rock, which the sponge opened.
"He lives under a rock.. Why am I not surprised?" Squilliam thought aloud as the headed inside. Squilliam looked around, literally every piece of furniture was made of sand. He wouldn't have been able to tell if anything was out of order or not, so left the sponge to that.
After what seemed to Squilliam to be an impossibly long time, the sponge finally walked up to him looking quite down. "I've looked everywhere, and he's not home either!" He cried.
"Great. Can I go now?" He asked, already turning and heading back up. The sponge ran after him. Squilliam walked to his boat and got in, as he was buckling his seatbelt, he saw the sponge sitting in the passenger seat. "What do you think you're doing? Your house is there, isn't it?"
"I'm coming with you, of course!"
"No, you're not! I'm going home!"
"Oh, that's fine! Your home's really neat!" He exclaimed. "We can sit and talk and play games, I bet you have lots of coral stuff!" He was going on. "It'll be comfy until the Krusty Krab opens and we can check there!"
"I'm not bringing you home with me!" The wealthy octopus snapped.
"Oh.. Ok.. I understand.." The sponge said. "I can just hop on over like this morning, afteral! It just would've been nicer to ride with you, so we can compare stories." Squilliam groaned.
"What's there to compare? We both know neither of them are at home! We don't need to check the Krusty Krab, and talking to you isn't my idea of fun!"
"Well, what do you and Squidward like to do for fun, Squilliam? I'll bet you know a lot of great games that you can teach me!" Squilliam looked at him.
"Certainly not. Squidward and I play games for adults only.."
"Oh, that's great! I'm only a kid at heart, otherwise, I'm all grown up too! I'm not as old as you or Squidward, but-"
"Oh, shut up already!" He started the car, deciding he was going to be stuck with the sponge regardless.
"Oh, I'm sorry; I'm sure you need to concentrate on driving, since you're such an expert!" The sponge was saying.
"Correct. So, keep quiet until we're there, understand?"
"Oh, yes sir, Squilliam!"
"Promised?"
"Cross my heart!"
"Then SHUT UP!" He snarled. The sponge zipped his mouth shut, in an all too literal sense. Squilliam exhaled in relief and began backing out. "And remember, you gave me your word." He reminded the sponge.
On the drive, with the sponge actually being quiet, Squilliam was able to go over what he'd seen in Squidward's house. There hadn't been signs of a struggle, luckily; but that also didn't mean his ex-rival hadn't been attacked somewhere else. Where should he check? So he wasn't at work yesterday, but what about Monday? He asked the sponge. And.. Got no response. "Hello-oo?! Mr. Fabulous to barnacle-brain! Do you read me?" Still no response. Glancing over, the sponge was looking at him, but said not a word. "Catfish got your tongue?" He asked. "Oh, forget it!" He grumbled and drove on.
When he'd arrived at his mansion, parked and cut the engine, the sponge spoke suddenly. "No, he wasnt their Monday either!"
"And you couldn't tell me earlier?"
"I gave you my word not to talk until we got here, and I can't break my promises!" Saying nothing, Squilliam got out of the car, shut the door and pressed the button on his keys activating the child locks on the boat. He walked off, smirking, as the sponge began calling after him that he couldn't open the door. Squilliam went inside his house and made a cup of coffee. It was after 4:30am now.
He lounged around for 30 minutes, then decided that had been enough of a punishment for the sponge. He returned to the garage and unlocked the boat. The sponge jumped out of the driver's side and hugged Squilliam gratefully.
"Oh, I KNEW you wouldn't forget about me for too long!" He said. "I don't know HOW I managed to lock myself in! Thank you so much, Squilliam!" Squilliam grit his teeth. The sponge was THE single most delusional creature he'd ever had the displeasure of crossing paths with.
"Just come on in." He grumbled. "Breakfast will be served in about 45 minutes."
"Oh, but we don't have time for breakfast!" The sponge gasped. "We have to keep looking for our friends!"
"Suit yourself. I'M not doing anything else on an empty stomach!" He continued walking, the sponge ran after him.
"Squilliam! They could be in danger, or worse!" The sponge cried, grabbing his arm. Squilliam sighed.. He had to admit he WAS getting a little worried, especially since Squidward had apparently been missing since Monday. Still..
"Listen, I get you, but I really need to eat." He explained. This was also very true, for he was starting to feel a little sick.
"Can't we just pick up something on the way?" The sponge pleaded. "The Krusty Krab will be open soon, so we can grab something quick there!"
"I do not eat at that grease trap! And besides, my breakfast will be ready for me at 6am, like it is EVERY weekday!" The sponge had no choice but to follow him and wait.
Once they were inside and Squilliam lead him to the dining room, offering him a seat after taking his place at the head of the table, he spoke. "We can compare those notes you wanted to, so long we wait." He suggested, anything to get the sponge to stop looking at him as though he'd just given him a brutal whipping. The sponge cheered up slightly.
"Ok, Squilliam.." The sponge said.
"So, now when was the last time you saw Squiddy?" The wealthy octopus asked.
"Well, that was Sunday night at his place.." The sponge was clearly putting a lot of thought into it. "He was taking a shower and I popped in to help him wash his back.. You know, because he has a hard time reaching it.." Squilliam's breath caught in his throat, 'What?'. "He was humming, he has such a pretty voice..!" The sponge sighed, Squilliam grit his teeth, feeling his blood begin to boil. This was not okay.. No! No way! This was not acceptable! His fists were clenched under the table.. "I wanted to also help him wash his legs, 'cause, as you know, 4 is a lot of legs to wash..!-" The octopus couldn't see straight anymore. 'How dare he..!' He was seeing red.
"SHUT UP!" Squilliam exploded, panting in rage.
"Uhh, are you alright, Squilliam? There are flames in your eyes.." And Squilliam reached over and grabbed the sponge by his shirt, roughly pulling him close to hiss into his face.
"Listen to me very, very carefully!.." He began. His voice a harsh whisper, at first.. "Squiddy is mine, ALL MINE, and NOBODY else is going to wash him, AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?!"
"Ohh, I didn't know YOU washed him too! You must be really good at it, since he's at your place every weekend.. and sometimes during the week too!" The sponge said, seemingly unintimidated by the octopus' rage. "But I AM a sponge, which makes me an expert! I could give you some tips that Squidward likes!" Squilliam was shaking, jaw clenched painfully.
"I don't want your tips!" He snarled. "What I want is you to stay away from him!"
"Oh.. But how am I supposed to do that? We work together."
"Just stay out of his shower!"
"But how can I help him wash?"
"You won't!" Squilliam forced himself to take a few breathes and get a little control back. Then continued. "You are to NEVER touch or wash him again, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
"You know, I think that's really up to Squidward, not you.." The sponge began.
"Oh, I beg to differ, BECAUSE I'M HIS ::dolphin noise::ing BOYFRIEND, YOU NITWIT!" He couldn't help screaming. Squidward, his Squidward, was his and he did not like the sound of anyone else putting the moves on his Squidward.
"B-b-boyfriend?" The sponge gasped. Squilliam groaned, for Squidward was going to be furious with him for spilling.. Especially to THIS guy.. "What's that? You mean like Patrick and me? We're best boy friends who have lots of fun together.." Squilliam couldn't believe his ears.
"We are MORE than 'best boy friends'!" The angry octopus interrupted.
"Why, you mean you and he.." The sponge was staring wide eyed at him. Squilliam began to nod, figuring the sponge was finally getting it. "You two are like COUSINS, right?!" The octopus' mouth hit the table and he released the sponge, finally.
"No, we are NOT cousins!"
"...Oh! Long lost brothers separated at birth?"
"Do I look like his brother to you!?" He growled. He couldn't believe how incredibly stupid the sponge was.
"Well, maybe you've forgotten what he looks like since Sunday, but believe me, you really do look a lot like him - why, if you shaved your unibrow, you could fool everyone into thinking you ARE him! I'll bet even Mr. Krabs couldn't tell the difference!"
"Never! I am far more handsome than he - although he is very cute, admittedly.. - and I would never shave my fabulous unibrow in a million years!"
"What about a million years and a day?" Squilliam growled, then finally forced himself to calm down and stop arguing with the oblivious sponge. He was both accustomed to and adept at finding effective ways of getting others to do exactly what he wanted, and he also knew there was something the sponge wanted badly.
"Listen.. BobPants, right?"
"Oh, no, I'm SpongeBob, you silly..!"
"Right, SpongeBob!" He interrupted. "So, I'm about to throw you out of my house and call off our little teamwork agreement.." The sponge gasped.
"What?! What about Patrick and Squidward?"
"I will find MY Squiddy by MYSELF!"
"And Patrick?!"
"I couldn't care less about that lazy ball of lard! YOU search for him YOURSELF, if you want!" The sponge's lip was trembling and Squilliam smirked in satisfaction at the tears welling up in those big, blue eyes.
"Th-that.. That's mean! How can you be so heartless, Squilliam?" The octopus folded his arms over his chest and silently observed the other. The broken-hearted tears had started streaming down yellow cheeks. "I won't be able to find him without you!"
"Is that so?" He asked calmly.
"Yes! You're so smart and.." The was too choked up to finish. Squilliam silently observed him for a few long moments, then slowly uncrossed his arms and leaned toward the bawling sponge.
"Hmm.. If it would change my mind, would you agree to something? A big and special favor, if you will?" Sniffling and still choked up on tears, the sponge nodded. "ANYTHING I ask?" He asked. The sponge hesitated, so Squilliam added. "Oh, don't worry; it's not too big or difficult of a favor, and I know you can do it." He produced a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to the forlorn sponge. So, with a nod, the sponge took it and blew his noise. "Excellent." He leaned a little closer, fixing the sponge with a firm look, right into his eyes. "Now, listen very closely: I want you to PROMISE ME that you will stay OUT of Squiddy's shower, bath; and you will also STAY AWAY from him any other time when he's naked. You promise me that, and I will help you search until we've found them both." The sponge brightened up. "But you really, honestly and seriously have to keep up YOUR end of the bargain!"
"Oh! Yes, Squilliam! I promise! Just help me find Patrick too!" And Squilliam sat back, satisfied with his handy work. Squilliam Fancyson was a master in the art of persuasion.
"That was the agreement, SpongePants."
"SpongeBob." The sponge corrected, smiling, then jumped up and threw his arms around the octopus, squeezing. "Oh, I just knew you couldn't be that mean, Squilliam!"
"Ohh.. Get off me - NNGN!" He gasped as the sponge squeezed tighter suddenly, forcing the wind out of the octopus' chest. He struggled to draw in a breath. "..A-a simple handshake really would've sufficed.. Now g-get off me!" But the sponge kept hugging him.
A minute or two later, Squilliam's butler entered the room. He blinked ever so slightly at seeing the sponge clinging to a less than pleased looking Squilliam. "Breakfast for two this morning, Master Squilliam?" He asked, setting a fresh cup of coffee before the octopus.
"Y-yes, James.." Squilliam replied, still struggling to breathe; and the fish set about dutifully setting the table; when finished, he observed his still abused-looking employer, just the littlest of twinkles in his eyes.
"I can also recommend the crowbar special, it's just the thing for all your over-excited fan needs." He winked at the wealthy octopus.
"How about a flame thrower, this one's really stuck tight."
"I'm most sorry, but I'm afraid you're fresh out of flame throwers, Master Squilliam." Squilliam made a show of sighing.
"Then just bring breakfast."
"Right away, Master Squilliam." And he left the room chuckling softly. Squilliam turned his attention back to the sponge that was still attached to him.
"Would you let me go, already?!" The sponge was looking up at him, and Squilliam realized he'd been, once again, used as a tissue. "Ohh, get off! That's disgusting!"
"I'm sorry, Squilliam; I'm just so glad you've agreed to help me!" He gushed.
"Last warning: GET OFF ME NOW!" He snapped and the sponge let go and, with one last adoring look, went back to his seat and sat down. Squilliam assessed the damage and groaned. "Great, now I'm gonna have to change! - What, did you actually blow your nose on me!?"
"No." The sponge answered. "But when I get emotional like that, my nose gets really runny!"
"Ohh! I'm losing my appetite!" Then he stood up suddenly. "You stay right here! Breakfast will be served in a moment! I'm going to go get out of this before I hurl!" And he turned on his heal and strode from the room.
When he returned wearing a fresh maroon smoking jacket, his butler was there and breakfast was waiting. He took his seat. James then lifted the covers, revealing the dishes of food to the two.
"Eggs Benedict, Master Squilliam; with fresh squeezed orange juice, and the finest of sausages. [I]Bon Apetit![/i]"
"Thank you, James." Then the fish left the room and the two began eating.
"Wow, Squilliam! This is really good, but these are the strangest hot dogs I've ever had!" The sponge exclaimed.
"They're not hot dogs, you barnacle brain!" Squilliam scolded. "Oh, you know what? Just forget it and let me eat!"
"Sure, Squilliam! I certainly won't stop you from enjoying your fancy meal!"
"Good." He said, then before the sponge could say anything else, which Squilliam knew he was bound to, he added. "Now, shut up and eat before it gets cold! - We want to save our friends as soon as possible, afterall!"
((And Scene Change))
After he was finished, Squilliam delicately wiped his mouth, then eyed the sponge who was drinking the orange juice. Breakfast had been very needed, and now the wealthy octopus felt a lot better. However, there was something that had been nagging at the back of his mind the whole time, something he had to know. He just hoped he wouldn't regret engaging the sponge in the topic. "So, my little Porifera," he began getting the other's attention. "Does my Squiddy really like having you wash him?" His tone was controlled and casual.
"Well, yes.. Right up until he hollers and kicks me out through the window." Squilliam smirked, pleased with that, for he knew Squidward well enough to realize that this meant the older octopus, in fact, hated it. That was very fortunate, he'd have had to brutally kick Squidward to the curb otherwise. Squilliam didn't necessarily like sharing, or at least had no mind to share Squidward, and being betrayed was absolutely intolerable.
"He yells and kicks you out the window?" He asked, his tone pleasant.
"I guess I must hurt him somehow, but he could tell me if I'm too rough or he's got ouchies." Squilliam couldn't help but stare at the sponge.
"'Ouchies'.." He repeated, his nose wrinkled as though the word was bitter on his tongue. "That has to be about THE most childish thing I've ever heard." Then he took a drink of his coffee."Well, as per your PROMISE, Squiddy won't have any more problems with you in the shower... - [i]Right?[/i]" He added the last part as a reminder.
"Yes, Squilliam." The sponge said softly, though sounding anything but happy about it.
"Good." Squilliam said. "That is the correct answer." The only one he'd have accepted.
The two pulled up to the Krusty Krab as SpongeBob had still insisted they should look there. No sooner had they entered then Mr. Krabs scuttled up. "SpongeBob, me boy! Where've you been? Get in the kitchen and start making Krabby Patties!"
"But, Mr. Krabs, you know there's nothing more I'd rather be doing than the best job in the whole world, but Squilliam and I really, really need to find Patrick and Squidward!" The crustacean looked up as though noticing Squilliam's presence for the first time.
"Yer workin' with SpongeBob?" He asked, narrowing his eyes at the octopus.
"So it would appear." Squilliam replied, sounding bored.
"Well, long as yer here, what'll it be?" He asked, grinning and rubbing his claws together.
"As Squiddy is STILL not standing here in front of me, I won't be ordering anything." He answered. Mr. Krabs glowered.
"You remember what I told you yesterday! There be no loitering here unless you pay the loitering fee!" Squilliam was clearly unimpressed as he gazed down his nose at the crab.
"Oh, but you see, I won't be going anywhere this time without your fry cook." To which Krabs started a lecture about the costs of finding a replacement on such short notice and so on.
"How's time-and-a-half?" Squilliam suddenly deadpanned.
"Time-and-a-half?" Krabs repeated.
"For his WHOLE shift." Squilliam affirmed. Krabs narrowed his eyes.
"Are ye good for it? 'Cause I'll be expectin' that up front in full, y'know!"
"But of course." The octopus replied, withdrawing his wallet from a pocket in his smoking jacket and removing a number of large bills which he held up before the Crustacean's face. Mr. Krabs' eyes turned to dollar signs. "So, is it a deal, my penurious crustacean?"
"Been a pleasure doin' business with ya, Mr. Squilliam!" He answered as Squilliam handed him the money. "SpongeBob, Squilliam's rentin' ya fer today!"
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Krabs! And especially thank YOU, Squilliam!" He, again, threw his arms around the octopus.
"Oh, it was me pleasure!" Krabs answered happily. "Enjoy yer fry cook, Mr. Squilliam!" And laughed as he hurried off to his office. Squilliam had his attention on the sponge who was, yet again, carrying on as though they were attached at the hip.
"Would you let go, already?! - You're welcome!" The sponge looked up and released him.
"I'm just really happy - you're so nice!" He sponge beamed at him. Squilliam sighed.
"So, did you look around for signs of Squiddy or your
super-sized starfish?" He asked, deterring the sponge by reminding him of why they were there.
"Oh! Let me get right on that, Squilliam, sir!" And the sponge scurried off.
Aware of the couple other patrons, Squilliam made a show of examining his fingertips for dirt, giving them a quick blow. One of the ladies sitting near the wall was specifically eyeing him, so he cast a dashing grin and an elaborate wave her way, causing her to audibly swoon. He then turned his attention from the customers and studied the burger joint a little. He hated the smell, which he was all too familiar with as Squiddy always reeked of it whenever he got off work.
Then Squilliam noticed the crustaceous owner emerging from his office again and approaching the cephalopod.
"I'm STILL not ordering anything here." Squilliam said preemptively.
"Actually, I was just wonderin' why yer so interested in findin' Patrick and Mr. Squidward. When do ya care for either of them?"
"Oh, why I'm so TERRIBLY sorry if I've paid WAY TOO MUCH for your fry cook!" Squilliam replied, knowing the greedy crab would catch his hint.
"No, no! Everything's in perfect order there, Squilliam! - Carry on!" He left Squilliam alone. "Besides, there be no refunds!" He said before he headed to the bathroom. Ignoring him, Squilliam headed up to the cash register where the temp was working. A little small talk sounded like an acceptable way of passing the time. Besides, the cash register was also Squidward's post, so it was like being nearer to Squidward in an odd sort of way. Maybe he'd find some sort of clue there.
"May I take your order?" The fish asked. [I]Oh, brother..[/i] Squilliam thought, hadn't he just made it unarguably clear he wouldn't?
"If you hadn't been sleeping on the job, you'd already know that you can't." He pointed out rudely.
"Of course, Mr. Fancyson." The fish replied, clearly not interested in starting anything with the wealthy octopus.
"So, have you met the employee who's position you're covering?" Squilliam asked, his prior rudeness gone.
"You mean Mr. Tentacles?"
"Naturally."
"Yes, a few times." The temp answered.
"When did you last see him?" The young man rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"Last.. Thursday when I got called in to pick up the rest of his shift, as he had to leave for some kind of emergency." Squilliam smiled. If only the temp had known just what sort of emergency had demanded the cashier's immediate attention that day. For Squilliam had been that emergency, and he'd played it so well that Squidward had come running over to check up on Squilliam's 'alarming bout of low blood pressure'. And it'd totally been worth the clobbering he'd almost gotten for it when Squidward discovered the joke. He suddenly realized the fish had been talking to him.
"Oh, pardon me! I was lost in thoughts. What did you say?"
"That I really have no idea where he is, I'm sorry." The temp said. "He must really mean a lot to you." Squilliam narrowed his eyes at him.
"What makes you say that?"
"Because you're so worried about him, that you'd pay to get Mr. SquarePants' help." The temp explained.
"Oh, well.. Squiddy's a friend." Squilliam said dismissively.
"I'm glad he's got one. He always seems very withdrawn and.. not all that friendly, usually. Very hard to get to know."
"That's only because you haven't known him since high school like I have!" Squilliam grinned, proud.
"You and he are the same age?" The fish gasped.
"Do *I* look like I'm going to turn 40 this year?" Squilliam gave a charming grin, wiggling his unibrow.
"Of course not, Mr. Fancyson. I didn't even know Squidward was 39."
"Oh." Squilliam replied. Then he looked around the restaurant, realizing he hadn't seen the sponge since he'd scurried off earlier. He turned to the fish. "Say, would you happen to know where my porous little sponge might have run off to?"
"Oh, well, you could check the kitchen." Squilliam wasn't about to go hunting through the burger joint.
"I think I'll just wait. In the meantime, if you'll excuse me, I'm tired of standing."
"Of course." With that, the wealthy octopus made his way over to a table and sat down. He steepled his hands on the table, as though brooding. Which, he was.
The door opened and in came a fat, pink starfish. Squilliam didn't notice at first, until a couple seconds later as the starfish was walking past his table and it hit him. He stood up from the table, then almost scrambled after the starfish. "Patrick?" He called. The starfish didn't respond, and had made it all the way up to the register. As he was looking up at the menu, Squilliam walked up.
"Uhhh.." The starfish was thinking out loud, trying to decide what to order, when Squilliam tapped his shoulder.
"Patrick?" The starfish slowly turned around at the voice.
"I'll have two Krabby Patties with extra cheese." Squilliam blinked and glared.
"I'm not the cashier!" He bristled, heavily insulted.
"Oh, hi, Squidward-with-a-unibrow!"
"I'm NOT Squidward, either!" He snapped.
"You aren't? Well, that's a great Squidward costume! .. Can I have two Krabby.." And Squilliam turned on his heal and walked off and back to his table. It looked like one job was fullfilled.
"..Patties?" Patrick finished.
Squilliam continued to brood, he had fullfilled his half of the bargain, far as he could tell; yet the sponge was nowhere in sight. Sure, he could just leave, but he just had to see the sponge's face, had to make sure the sponge knew he'd fulfilled his half of the bargain beyond all doubt - this fat, stupid, pink starfish could only be the same the sponge was looking for. Also, he had to know if the sponge had found any clues here as to Squidward's disappearance. However, the next face he saw was that of the fat starfish as he suddenly plonked down at Squilliam's table. The octopus raised his head.
"This table's taken. Go sit somewhere else." He said simply.
"It is? This is the only free seat." Squilliam looked around, and indeed, all tables were filled. When had that happened? And as it seemed the majority of the customers were looking at him, that could only mean one thing.. And Squilliam was not thrilled as he decided that the money-loving owner had used the fact of his presence to lure customers in. But, remembering that the sponge had insisted that Squidward and Patrick's disappearance were connected, he decided to confront the fat starfish.
"So, Patrick, where have you been the last few days? Your little friend misses you." He said.
"I've been around." The starfish answered. Then glared at Squilliam. "Do I know you, Squidward's clone?" Squilliam wasn't to be put off, no matter how annoying the question was.
"Your 'best boy friend', SpongeBob, has been searching all over for you, Patrick. Now, where have you been since Sunday?"
"Oh.. I was with SpongeBob at jellyfish fields, then I went home."
"And where were you between home and here?" He asked through his teeth.
"I don't know.. I woke up on a bus in some place far far away." Alright, time to cut to the chase, afterall, the sponge thought the two would be together.
"And have you seen Squidward during your travels? That is, not ME, but some one who sort of looks like me?"
"Well, there was this one other guy on the bus.." Squilliam leaned in. The starfish continued. "But he didn't look like you. He had a brown shirt and didn't have that big black thing on his forehead." The wealthy octopus barely held back a moan. Why, oh, why was he surrounded by people who really should be locked up in an insane asylum!?
"And where did you see this person last?"
"As he was getting off the bus. He was being escorted by two other guys, and.." The Starfish leaned in. "They looked scary.. Wearing suits.."
"..And?" Squilliam was ready to wring the information out of the infuriating starfish.
"And, don't tell anyone, but I think they had a gun! And that's why he got off!" The starfish exclaimed. The whole room looked at them. Squilliam ignored the looks, and instead lost himself in thoughts. If what the starfish was saying was true, then it sounded like his Squiddy was in danger. Oh, where was that sponge? He couldn't take it any more! He focused back on the starfish.
"And which bus were you two on? Where were you going, and where did you see him get out?"
"Uhhh.. Well.. " Squilliam ground his teeth together as the starfish paused. "Are you gonna eat that?"
"..Huh? ...That what?" He hadn't brought anything to eat with him.
"That other Krabby Patty?" Squilliam looked at the table where Patrick was pointing. PATRICK'S second Krabby Patty. Squilliam jumped on the opportunity presented.
"That depends.." He began to haggle with the starfish. "If you'll answer my questions or not."
"What questions?"
"I'll give YOU this Krabby Patty, if you tell ME where exactly the person who doesn't look like me and was escorted by two men with a gun, where they exited the bus."
"Uhhh. What? And are you gonna eat that Krabby Patty?"
"Where did that other guy get off the bus, Patrick?" Squilliam repeated.
"Uhh,, I dunno.. Someone who kinda looks like you got off at Rock Bottom, I think.."
"Rock bottom?" Squilliam asked.
"I dunno, was it?" Okay, there was obviously going to be no help from Patrick. He had to look for a bus that had left to Rock Bottom and had this passenger on that particular day. Of course, that meant a phone call. He got up and went to the pay phone - yes, he had a shellphone, no, he didn't have it with him. Also, he didn't care.
((To Be Continued...))