I woke up with a start, my hands sweating, my head spinning. Today was the biggest day of my life so far. I was in - doing a 1600 metre run and a 200 metre sprint. It was no different than what I usually did, except… in some ways, it was. I needed to win; I needed to be noticed so that I could get further, to ensure my future. Because running was the only time to get my thoughts in order. Because running was the only time that I was alone. Running was my life.
That wasn't the only thing though. My heart was set - there was no turning back now. I was going to tell him my feelings for Flint, even if he didn't reciprocate them. I needed to get over him, or my personal health was in danger. He was coming to the competition to see me race, so it was perfect. I had practised in the mirror, gone for a run, I was ready for this.
On the minibus on the way to Sutcliffe I was quiet, which wasn't unusual for me. Usually I prepare myself by listening to music and not talking to anyone, so I can get myself into the right mindset to win the competition. Today though, I wasn't listening to music. My thoughts rolled round my head, mocking me for the stressed out mess I had become. Every so often I would tell myself that I need to pull it together, but I just couldn't help myself as my thoughts drifted to him again.
As we usually did, when we arrived we chose our place and set out the picnic cloths. The competition had started. I walked to my usual spot at the stadium and looked out at the crowd that had gathered to watch the race. My eyes drifted over the crowd, looking for the very face I didn't want to see.
I spotted him and my heart stopped. He was staring right at me, his chocolate brown eyes reaching into me and tugging frantically at my heartstrings which I had so carefully arranged earlier on that day. My face warmed and although I knew he couldn't see it, I looked away first. Damn. His stare was so intense, that out of the corner of my eye, I felt his stare burning holes through the side of my head as I looked at my friends and pretended to laugh at what they were saying.
The next moment I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye and suddenly Flint was coming towards me. In my panicked moment I gasped and shot out of my chair. I looked around frantically. I told my friends that I was going to the toilet and, unbelievably, I ran off. I slowed down as I reached the cubicle, deciding last minute to go to the disabled toilets. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realised just how much I had embarrassed myself. The guy that I wanted, no, needed to talk to had willingly come to me, and I had evaded him. I almost face-palmed. Maybe I could just stay here for the rest of the day until he leaves. Maybe I could just hide myself away in some corner and hope no one noticed. But the race…
I stayed there for the most of three hours, only going out to get myself a sandwich and a cappuccino. It felt kind of weird, eating in the toilet, but I wasn't going to step out of the doors until I absolutely had to. As I ate though, I began to dread was I was about to do even more. What if he hated me? What if I spoiled our relationship because of stupid fantasies? But it has to be done, I contradicted myself. I can't drag this out any longer. I took a deep breath and started to walk out.
I didn't know what to expect from then. Was Flint waiting for me somewhere? I cautiously looked around the door. As soon as I made sure it was clear, I stepped out and started walking towards our area on the grass, where the others were enjoying pizza. I felt a stab of hurt and disappointment. They hadn't even bothered to look for me, or anything? Not one text message or phone call?
I looked around to see if he was still here. Maybe he noticed that I was ignoring him and he went home, I thought with a wave of sadness. What would he think of me now? As I thought that a finger tapped my shoulder and I swivelled around, fast. Too fast, I thought, as I stumbled. Arms caught mine and helped me up. I didn't mean to, but I looked up, and was met with those deep brown eyes again. My face went red hot and as quick as a flash I sidestepped into the shortcut that took me around the corner. Not looking back, I sped up my pace into a run and got to our area and collapsed on the ground.
By that time I was almost in tears from the amount of pressure and stress that had put me under. The more I thought about it, the more stupid I felt. Why didn't I tell him then, when the moment was perfect? No, I just had to make everything worse by running away. And so obviously too! I pictured it now, with Flint left standing there, arms still out to help me, looking in the direction I left. A wave of disappointment washed over me, and then anger. I never asked for this to happen. It wasn't my fault he had to be here for me to fall in love with him.
'Thad.'
'Thaaad. Oi, it's time for your 1600.'
'Thad? You okay?'
I was hardly listening as I got up and started heading towards the centre of the track, where the officials waited.
Suddenly my arm was jerked backward and I was pulled back. I threw my arms out, bracing myself for the fall, only to fall into warm familiar arms. I closed my eyes and sighed in delight internally. I almost forgot that I needed to get up until a little push brought me back to attention. I stood up, precarious, and balanced myself. 'Are you okay?' the voice said, and only then did I realise why the arms were familiar. They were only the same arms I had come in contact with a couple of minutes ago. 'M'fine,' I muttered, trying to compose myself. When my thoughts were half ordered I looked up. First mistake.
'Thad?' Flint's eyes were a mixture of confusion, anger and worry. A hint of green had appeared around the edges, framing his irises. 'Did I do something wrong?' he asked.
'Yes,' I muttered under my breath, so only I could hear.
'What?' He leaned closer, and I caught a whiff of him. Aftershave.
'No, you didn't.'
'But you're avoiding me.' It wasn't a question, but a statement. He'd figured it out.
'Um…'
'So are you going to tell me why you're being so confusing?'
I felt a rush of anger. 'Me? Confusing?' I snorted. 'You're the one who is talking to me one minute you just… disappear.'
'Is that why you're avoiding me? For payback or something?'
'No… Of course not.'
'Well I've been trying to talk to you all day and every time you just run off or leave or something. Are you sure you're okay?'
'Why do you want to talk to me?' I couldn't help it; my curiosity was roused.
'I just - I just had something to say to you. It can wait. Good luck in your race.' With that he left, his back doing nothing to answer the jumbled questions running through my mind. What did he want to tell me?
I considered the possibilities as I got into my starting position. It was time to stop thinking about that and think about winning. I looked at the bleachers and spotted the people judging me with their notebooks and pens at hand. Now was the moment I had to make the most of. 'On your marks,' the man said, pointing the gun into the air. I took a deep breath and bit my lip.
'Get set.' Why was Flint trying to find me all day?
'Go!' I took off at a fast pace and tried to get my bearings. My mind was on overdrive, thinking about all the different ways that conversation could've gone. What was he trying to tell me? What did I miss?
Head down, as I watched my feet take turns hitting the ground
Eyes shut, I find myself in love racing the earth
And I'm soaked in your love
And love was right in my path, in my grasp
And me and you belong
I wanna run
Smash into you
I wanna run
And smash into you
Ears closed, what I hear no one else has to know
'Cause I know that what we have is worth first place in gold
And I'm soaked in your love
And love is right in my path, in my grasp
And me and you belong, oh
I wanna run
Smash into you
I wanna run
Smash into you
I'm ready to run, run, run, run
I'm ready to run, run, run, run
The wind buzzed in my ears as I ran past, and I almost smiled. I had this. All I needed was to believe in myself, and I knew it would happen. I laughed out loud as I whizzed passed the finish line and slowed down, throwing my arms in the air with victory. I had won!
I didn't wait for them to call my name. I didn't wait for them to say that I'd won. I half walked, half ran as I looked for Flint, the face that I needed to see now. I was ready. He was sitting up at the top of the bleachers. I sat down next to him and faced forward like he was doing. We sat in silence for a while, both of us staring out at the track. I took a deep breath and turned to him.
'What? You're not running away now?' he said, not without a little bit of spite.
I almost smiled. 'So what did you want to tell me?'
'I just wanted to say…'
'Yes?' I was kind of enjoying not being the uncomfortable one this time.
'I - well I have this thing, you know, with you… and well, I just, sometimes I can't stop thinking about you and I was just thinking that if I told you, you might like, you know… And I just notice all these little things about you, you know, like how you blink too much when you're lying and how your tone raises when you're upset, and how you go all cute when you're happy and I just love everything about you especially your smile-'
I leaned in and brush my lips against his, and stayed there for a few seconds before pulling away enough to speak. 'I love you, too,'I whispered, and he exhaled, his breath fanning out on my face.
This time he leaned towards me and I met his lips in the middle for a lingering kiss that I felt all the way down to my toes. I shivered, savouring the feeling of his soft lips against mine. I finally pulled away, looking at him as his face broke into a wide smile that lit up his face. 'Again?' he said quietly, his eyes searching mine.
'Again what?'
He pulled me in for another kiss, this one so lingering that the passion behind it was almost tangible. It was when his tongue flicked against my lips that I couldn't help myself. I wrapped my arms around his neck and played with the hair the nape of his neck, running my fingers through it. My mouth opened slightly and his arms went around my waist supporting me. After a while I pulled away, whispering 'slow down'.
We stayed there for the rest of the afternoon at the competition, sharing little warm kisses and holding each other, and it just felt right. I was home.