Four Letter Words
Phoebsfan
10/26/06
PG-13
Summery: Four little letters that seem to decide everything. A post ep for Every Man For Himself ep 3x04
Disclaimer: The show Lost and all of it's characters belong to ABC and J.J. Abrams.
Her stomach sinks.
Why does she do these things?
Because he's an ass, because he pissed her off, because she was scared to death he was going to... They were going to...
And he wouldn't tell her anything.
He deserves it, asked for it.
She tears her eyes away from his broken face, tries to ignore the way his eyes glaze a bit.
She wants to take it back... She wants to crawl back out of her cage and feel his arms around her.
No, no she doesn't. She can't.
She doesn't need him. She doesn't. Oh God, she doesn't need him.
His face haunts her most of the night. Truthfully, it will probably haunt her for the rest of her life, however long that is.
Every time she hears him shift in his sleep, it hits her again. Like the first time she realized she didn't want to do this without him. That she might not be able to anymore.
This island has changed her. The things she's learned and done since crashing here have made her a new person. It's a surprising realization, because for as much as she's changed there's a part of her that hasn't. It's the part that makes her want to push him away.
So she's at war with herself. His labored breathing only reminds her.
His dimples cause her to smile and yet irritate her as well. His crude comments both excite and disgust her. So she fights this war inside the only way she knows how, and finds that both sides win at times. That they each have there own battles to claim victory to.
Lately, it feels like one side will finally win, and if she's honest with herself she knows one side already has. If she's honest with herself, as she's taken to being late at night when he is asleep across from her, she knows that the battle is over, the last stragglers fighting with all they have, hopelessly outnumbered. Part of her is so desperate not to love him, it takes complete control when she's not careful.
He terrifies her. He always has. Because from the beginning he has been able to see through her. Knows her better than she thinks she knows herself at times.
And though she finds she can't leave him physically, emotionally is a different story.
And though he sees through all the shit she puts out there, she's afraid that this time, when she really needs him to see through it, he won't.
She's afraid she's never going to be able to tell him. She's afraid he already knows.
She's afraid they are going to die here, in separate cages, alone and angry.
If he were awake she might tell him. She might tell him how sorry she is that she can't be what he wants her to be, how she never meant to hurt him, or maybe she did, but is sorry all the same.
In the darkness it's easy to talk to him, like her secrets are still locked safely away in the night. The protective barrier of black keeps all her secrets safe from the brightness of day. Forms an invisible shield, that can only be penetrated under the stars.
She could love him... if he woke up.
But he doesn't wake, and perhaps that is their story. One of them will always be asleep. One of them will always fight it. Because every time she finds herself willing to give him a little more, she's left alone in the sun offering everything she possibly can, while he points and laughs, all her secrets bleeding out into daylight where anyone can see them.
So she sleeps little, tosses and turns on the cold stone underneath her. Watches him from across the way, wondering what it would feel like to be tucked up next to him. She knows he'll do anything to keep her safe. She's just beginning to understand what that means.
When she finally does drift off, it's with a heavy heart and empty arms.
---
When she tells him she doesn't love him. That she only wanted them to stop.
He thinks he deserves it.
He doesn't quite believe her as she climbs back into her cage, she is after all willing to face captivity with him again.
He doesn't quite question it until she mirrors Jack, and then it feels like she's ripped his heart out and spit on it. Slapped him in the face.
He was beginning to believe she felt something too. Beginning to believe that if he pressed his lips to hers, she'd answer eagerly.
Now he doesn't know, and can't believe how much it hurts.
One woman should not have such power over him, but he's beginning to realize she always has.
That's why when he's tired of playing by her rules, he throws them back in her face.
Because he can't keep playing this game with her. He doesn't have the strength to fight her in all things. She's his weakness and he tries so hard to hide that. People like him are out there, people who would exploit it.
He must be failing miserably though. Because they know.
They know exactly how to make him do anything they want him to do. It's a four letter word that is written across his heart. He doesn't know who wrote it, she'll never claim credit for that. And he doesn't know how it happened, but four little letters seem to have claimed that area, previously closed for repairs.
Four little letters that seem to decide everything.
K-A-T-E
So when she spells out the word in her heart, in not so many words.
J-A-C-K
He thinks maybe his shatters a little.
The thing is, he doesn't know this time. He can't tell if she's lying to him.
Oh he wants to believe it, more than anything he wants to believe that she wanted to hurt him like he was hurting her. And that was ok, he could understand that, was maybe even a little grateful for it. It told him she wasn't unfeeling. That she did care.
And as much as he hates keeping secrets like this from her, he knows she'll understand why he did it in the end. At least he hopes she'll understand.
He hurts for her, for the fear and anger that he knows she is keeping bottled up inside. For the way they haven't spoken to each other in hours, instead just turned their backs to each other and pretended to sleep.
He wants to hold her and tell her everything. To take some of her fear away. But he cannot risk her life for some silly wish of his. He will not ruin her life as well.
For about the millionth time since she'd climbed back into that cage, he wishes she would have run.
He feels her eyes on him and tries to will the intense desire that is growing steadily inside, away. It doesn't take long for his watch to start beeping again.
"Freckles, I swear to God if you don't go to sleep you are going to kill me." She'll never know just how true that is.
"Shut up, Sawyer." It is the only thing they utter before he falls asleep. The only thing that will pass between them before Ben will wake him in the morning and take him to some damn hill in the middle of nowhere, tell him what a dumb fuck he is for believing.
He will go back to his cage angry, knowing how absolutely pointless it was. She will still be angry with him and he will have to start all over again with her.
But he's not completely sorry it happened.
He knows now just how far he's willing to go for her. He knows now that she's not going to leave him and that Jack doesn't have a prayer.
He's chosen to believe she will ultimately chose him, that she can't help it any more than he can and though he's tried to fight it, he's lost that battle.
He just wishes it wasn't so obvious at times.
He wants to protect her, but he's becoming her biggest liability.
As he walks back to her, a new feeling hits him and he's surprisingly happy. His anger melts away.
They may be stuck here, but they are stuck together and there isn't anyone in the world he'd rather be stuck with than her. And though they are imprisoned, he's never felt more free.
"Sawyer!" She calls out when he reaches view of her cage. He wonders how long she's been standing there waiting, worried. He knows he has to break the tension between them. He knows it's up to him to make her smile again.
"Good morning, Kate. Miss me?" He forgoes the normal nicknames, though he doesn't think she understands just how precious each one of her freckles has become to him, he knows that using her name will get her attention and say more than a nickname ever could.
And it works, he can see it in her eyes. Can see how sorry she is that she backed away from him. Can see how much he means to her. Can see all her anger and fear melt away. He wonders if she reads him as easily. Hopes she does.
"Shut up, Sawyer." She can feel her cheeks redden just a bit and hopes that she's still dirty enough to hide it. His eyes rake over her and she knows that something has changed in him.
Whatever yesterday's crisis was, it's over. Part of her will always wonder, what it was, what they'd done to him, threatened him with. But she's so grateful to see his dimples again that she can't help but be happy as well.
He keeps his eyes on hers as Ben ushers him back into his cage. Asking her silently if she's alright, she gives him a small nod. Now she is.
For so long she's wondered. Now she knows.
When she'd woken up without him, she'd thought for a moment that she wouldn't be. That things could never be ok again. She had just barely decided to climb out of her cage and go look for him. The crazy things he makes her do...
"Now, is that anyway to talk to the man you love?" He asks when the others have left and he is locked back up in his cage, a safe distance from her. He knows that if he doesn't have bars between them, he will not be able to keep himself from her side.
"Thought I told you I didn't love you." She smirks, hanging on the bars of her cage across from him. He rests his elbow on a bar, rests his chin on his hand without a care in the world.
"So you did, but we both know you're a horrible liar." he smirks, flirting back with her and enjoying her rare smile.
"Keep it up and I might have to come over there and show you how much I hate you at the moment." The words catch in her throat and if he has any doubts about whether or not she loves him, they are gone with the look in her eyes.
"Oh Baby, you shouldn't make promises you don't intend on keeping. Will it help if I beg?" He growls, knowing they are going to be ok.
Kate simply rolls her eyes.