(singing) Shounen ai, shounen ai, shounen aiiiii... (yup, that's what it is.)
If you hate angsty fics, this is very angsty. But good news! The ending is not angsty at all. So read. ^v^
(there's that face again!!! ^v^;;;)
((AND... for some reason Catherine is dead in this fic. I dunno why, it just kinda... fitted into it quite nicely. nyuk nyuk nyuk. What, how did she die you ask? Um, she, uh.... uhh... got hit by a truck, yeah, that's it. ^.^;;;;))
Visions in Blue
He broke my heart.
I loved him so much, I love him still, how could he do this to me?
I had to tell him how I felt, it was eating me up inside. But, how could I have possibly thought that he'd feel the same way? I'm such a fool! I was hoping for the impossible. And yet still it shattered my soul when he turned me away.
It was love at first sight, I think- or something close to it. I definitely had an affinity for him from the moment we met.
He was so beautiful, I'd never seen anything or anyone like him; his eyes... so deep and green, so sad and meaningful... whenever he looked at me I felt my heart swell in my chest, I longed to hold him, to feel his body close to my own, to sink my face into his warm chest and inhale his scent.
Over and over I used to imagine his arms around me, imagine that his feelings were as strong as mine. After a while I couldn't take this unreciprocated affection that was burning in me. So I told him.
Although he took it well, his reaction was not the one that I prayed for, he didn't throw his arms around me and confess he loved me too, he didn't smile and shyly admit a secret affection, he merely nodded. I was silently screaming inside. No! You fool! How could he love you? You're a...
Pathetic idiot? A sad excuse for a human being? A complete and utter imbecile? Oh, so many words leap to mind.
A weakling. That's what father would say... wouldn't you, father? Your only son, a pathetic excuse for a boy who falls apart so easily. And you were so strong...
But I can't help it father, I love him so much and it's tearing me apart not to have him, hold him... I know you don't approve, but you can't tell me how to live my life, father.
What am I saying? You're dead! You can't tell me anything, so why do you still haunt me?
I can't help but think that if he loved me then I'd be able to let go of you.
Oh, why doesn't anything turn out right for me? Anyone who ever said wealth brings happiness is a liar. I would trade anything in the world for those three words from his lips... to see love in his beautiful eyes when he gazed into mine...
Quatre paused in his thoughts and gazed into the mirror on the wall opposite where he was sitting on his bed. A saddened, tear stained face gazed back at him, eyes red from crying and lack of sleep.
"...I hate myself..."
He buried his head in his hands and began to sob again.
"...and my life... I want it to end..."
He slowly lay down on the bed and rested his head wearily on a pillow. He couldn't tell whether it was his sorrow or something a tad more serious causing the pain in his heart, he didn't care. All he knew was his life wasn't worth living without his love.
Suddenly, a loud beeping noise made him start with alarm. He realised it was a call coming through on the video phone.
"Is it him? Has he changed his mind? He's phoning to tell me that he's thought it through and he really does love me after all!"
Quatre rushed over to the video phone, brushing tears from his eyes as he went. He pressed the receive call button and held his breath as the call came through.
"Hey there, Q-man!" Came a brash familiar voice just before the image came up on the screen.
"Hi Duo..." Quatre said quietly, feeling his soaring hopes crash down around his ears.
Duo looked concerned. "Hey, what's the matter? Did I call at a bad time? What's with the glum face? You look tired, what's wrong?"
Quatre closed his eyes and felt his face screw up with tears as his sorrow returned once more. "N-nothing.. I'm fine..." He whispered, his voice choked. He was biting his lip and trying to fight his tears.
Duo frowned. "Nothing? That doesn't look like nothing to me! You hold on, I'll be right over." Duo ended the call before Quatre could protest. He really didn't want this, not now...
He washed his face in the bathroom while he waited for Duo, hoping in vain that the water would wash away his sadness, but it did nothing to help, as he'd expected. He heard the doorbell only ten minutes after Duo had ended the call, he'd obviously hurried over.
Quatre opened the door, not looking up as he silently let Duo in.
At once Duo was bustling around him, asking questions, talking too fast for Quatre in his sombre state to take anything in.
"Quatre, answer me! Are you listening?" He took hold of Quatre's shoulders.
"Y-yeah..." Quatre replied, rubbing his eye with his sleeve.
"Duo shook his head. "Come on." He escorted Quatre to a chair and sat him down, wrapping an arm round the smaller boy's thin shoulders.
"Tell me what's wrong. Don't hold anything back, it's never good for ya to bottle things up." His face softened and he rubbed Quatre's arm when he started to cry again. "Hey, hey, come on. It's all right. Sh, shh..."
Duo was surprised at how bitterly Quatre was weeping, he'd never seen him like this before. "Come on, Quatre." He said softly, whatever it was, it was bad.
"It's Trowa..." Quatre managed after a moment. "I told him how I feel about him... that I'm in love with him..."
Duo nodded. "...Didn't he take it too well?" Duo asked, hoping the question wouldn't strike a raw nerve.
"He... he doesn't... love me."
Duo closed his eyes, he'd expected this was the problem as soon as Trowa's name had popped up. Trowa was so distant, it was hard to imagine him feeling strongly about anything... but then Quatre knew him better, he guessed. He knew Trowa really liked Quatre, but it seemed not in the same way as Quatre did him.
But Quatre seemed so cut up about it, as if someone had died or something like that.
"I... I've never loved anyone like this before... I love him so much, I'd give anything..." He couldn't finish his sentence. Just talking about it was ripping his heart up.
Duo frowned and stood up. "I'm going to go talk to him." His face was grim and determined.
Quatre looked at him in horror. "Duo, no!! Don't, please! You'll only make things..."
The door slammed behind Duo Maxwell as he left.
"...worse..."
"Now Trowa will hate me..." Quatre thought despairingly. "He'll think that I sent Duo round there... Oh God, I can't take it! I want out..."
He stood up slowly, his face full of purpose.
"Yes... I can do this... all it takes is a moments courage."
He set his mind to the task he had assigned himself as he made his way to the bathroom medicine cabinet.
"I can't live without your love, my dearest one... everyone, I'm sorry..."
***
Duo banged on the door, a frown firmly set upon his face.
After a moment, it opened a crack and one curious green eye peered out from a curtain of light brown hair.
"Yes..? Duo..?" Came a quiet voice.
Duo put his hands on his hips. "Now you listen to me, Trowa Barton. You broke someone's heart and you don't give a damn about it. I..."
"Come in, Duo." Trowa interrupted him and opened the door wide enough for Duo to come in.
Trowa had sat and listened to Duo rambling on at him for a full fifteen minutes in utter silence, marvelling at how the braided one never seemed to stop for air.
"He loves you to death, can't you understand that?" Duo finished.
Trowa looked out of the window. "I don't think I can. I'm no one special." Trowa said quietly.
"Well he certainly thinks you are!" Duo said heatedly, growing impatient with Trowa's quiet ignorance.
"Look," Trowa said suddenly, looking right at Duo. "I can't make myself love him!"
Duo stared at him. He shook his head and stood up. "You're a waste of time... I don't see what that poor kid sees in you, you're slime." With that, he saw himself out, slamming the door behind him.
Trowa sighed and watched Duo storm off down the street from the window.
He hadn't wanted to come out with something like that, but it was necessary...
"But you do, don't you." Came a quiet voice from behind him.
"What do you mean, Heero..?" Trowa replied quietly, turning to face the speaker.
Heero stood in the kitchen doorway, leaning against it with his arms folded. "You know what I mean. Quatre; you do love him."
Trowa turned away again. "I couldn't let him know... I couldn't let anyone know..."
Heero lowered his head. "Why?"
"I can't ever let myself get attached to anyone again... not after that... I wouldn't be able to stand it if I lost another person I loved."
Heero stepped into the room and sat on a chair opposite to Trowa. "But that's just the thing, Trowa. You're already attached to him; the only thing you're doing by detaching yourself now is hurting him... and yourself. By doing that, you're losing something special anyway."
Heero stood up and made his way to the front door. He stood still for a moment before looking back at Trowa. "Think about it for a while."
With that, he was gone too.
***
Trowa did think about it. His mind rolled over Heero's words, should he let himself be vulnerable again? It had taken him so long to build a shell around himself, he'd become strong, so no one could ever hurt him again.
Hurt him..? Quatre wasn't like that, Quatre would never hurt anyone, especially not him...
You're a fool, he told himself. Heero is right, the only thing you're doing is hurting Quatre, and for what? Quatre doesn't deserve to be hurt for any cause, never mind your own selfish reasons, or since there were no longer any reasons left, nothing at all.
That settles it then...
Trowa stood up, determined he'd confess to Quatre his true feelings, to let himself, and Quatre, be happy.
It was then that he received the phone call.
"What is it, Duo?" Trowa asked warily as the boy's image came up on the screen. Was he going to receive another barrage of insults?
What Duo said next was out of the blue.
"Trowa, it's Quatre... I called an ambulance, he's not breathing..."
Trowa was stunned. "What... what's happened..?" He asked uncomprehendingly.
Duo closed his eyes and grabbed at his hair in despair. "I found him... he was lying in the bathroom and he was surrounded by bottles of pills, he must have overdosed..." Duo covered his mouth with his hands.
Trowa stared at the screen in shock, looking straight at Duo's image but not seeing him. ... Quatre... no...
"It's... it's my fault..." Trowa murmured, more an admittance to himself than to Duo.
Duo scowled at him suddenly, the tears running down his face. "Damn right it's your fault!" He shouted angrily. "Quatre's gonna die, because of you! Because he loved you!"
There was a silence. Duo regretted what he said.
"Trowa, I'm sorry, it's just... I'm scared... for Quatre..."
Trowa nodded numbly. "Where... where is he..?"
Duo sighed and rubbed his face. "At the hospital... they came straight away, they wouldn't let me go with the ambulance... they said they were gonna try their best to save him. Before they came, I... I ran him under cold water... that's what you're supposed to do, I think..."
Trowa couldn't run out of the house fast enough. All he could think of while he ran, was that it was happening again... what happened to his sister, Catherine...
And it had happened without him letting his defences down. He realised then, that hurt was unavoidable. As long as you were human, you would feel pain. It is, after all, in the human nature to love. It is also one of the unavoidable factors of life to lose one whom you love.
Not this time! he told himself as he sprinted, his heart pounding in his ears and his legs faltering with exhaustion, but he would not give up. He couldn't! It was as if Quatre's life depended on this journey he was making... Quatre would sense that he was making the journey for him, that he truly did love the little blond. And it would give him strength to live...
He prayed for this with all his soul.
When he arrived at the hospital, he was mentally and physically exhausted. Only then did he realise that he had sprinted without slowing even once for over two and a half miles to the C2 colony Hospital.
He limped up to the reception desk.
"Please... can you... tell me where... Quatre Winner is, please...?" He gasped, his breath coming in wheezes.
The nurse behind the desk gave him a concerned look before running her finger down a page on her desk, murmuring the name to herself. "Yes, Quatre Winner is in-"
Trowa grabbed the book from her, looked at where her finger had been pointing and slammed it back on the desk. He was off again without a word.
He at last arrived at the ward where Quatre was supposed to be, and burst in through the door.
"Quatre!"
A doctor hurried over to him at once. "Please, no shouting! What do you want? You're not allowed to just barge in here."
"Where's Quatre? How is he?"
The doctor frowned. "I take it you refer to Quatre Winner... he's over there..." The doctor pointed to a bed sectioned off from the rest. "His condition is stabilizing slowly."
Trowa went to run over, but the doctor stopped him. "Wait, are you friend or family? I can't just let anyone in here, you know."
"He's more than that to me..." Trowa whispered, the doctor let his arm drop and Trowa walked over to the bed, stepping through the green curtaining surrounding it.
There Quatre lay, an oxygen mask covering his sleeping face and a pulse monitor beeping slowly at his bedside. A drip was fastened onto his arm.
He looked so pale, so fragile and weak...
Trowa stood there, not daring to come any closer than he already was.
A nurse laying her hand on his shoulder startled him.
"He'll be ok. It was a good job that he was found when he was and that the young lad who found him had the sense to put him under cold running water until the ambulance arrived. He was in critical at first, but he's doing fine now. We've done all we can." She smiled and carried out a quick check on the pulse monitor to make sure everything was well before moving to the other side of the ward.
"Thank you Duo..." He whispered.
"No problem." Trowa turned around in surprise to see Duo standing there, a sad smile on his face. "I did what I could... I'm just glad I could help..." He grinned suddenly. "I left right after I phoned you, and guess who I met on my way here. He tells me that you were telling a few porkies about little Q over there..."
Trowa looked away. "I've been stupid... and look what my stupidity caused... Quatre has every right to hate me now."
Duo frowned. "You crazy or somethin'? Quatre, hate you? He couldn't hate you if you got turned into a rat or somethin'... which he hates. He wouldn't hate you though, you'd be his pet , a "Trowa-rat", or-"
Trowa shushed Duo's ramblings. "Look..."
Duo smiled and slapped Trowa on the back. "Well what do you know." He breathed. He stepped closer to the bed. "Hey, Quatre, how you feeling..?"
Quatre's eyes blinked open. Trowa hastily stepped outside the green curtaining, not wanting to be seen just yet. How would he face Quatre after what happened because of his foolishness? He couldn't... not just yet... Duo seemed to understand. He moved over to the curtain and whispered through a gap. "You go on home, Trowa. I'll see to everything from here. I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"
This seemed like a good idea. It would give Trowa a while to gather his thoughts and things...
"Ok. Thanks again, Duo. I mean it."
Trowa left the hospital and began to slowly walk back home, his mind feeling a little more at ease.
***
Quatre recovered quickly. By early evening he was sitting up in bed and talking to Duo, the doctor said that if things continued at this pace he would be discharged the day after next .
And so he was.
Duo insisted that he come stay at his house with him, Duo said just so that he wouldn't be lonely but Quatre figured that it was to keep an eye on him.
As for how he felt, it was hard to believe that he had actually made an attempt on his own life... but even realising how stupid that had been still didn't lessen the pain he felt over Trowa. It still meant that his affection was for nothing.
He lay in the bed in the spare room that Duo had prepared for him, holding a pillow to his chest and wondering what he should do. He couldn't think, his mind seemed numb.
Duo burst in with a grin on his face. "Quatre, get dressed and come in here, you've got a visitor." He exited again, closing the door.
Great, thought Quatre as he sat up and stretched his legs. Probably a psychiatrist come to find out why I tried to kill myself... just what I need right now.
He got out of bed and dressed quickly. Better to get it over with, he thought glumly as he walked into the living room.
He stopped in his tracks and stared in astonishment at the one sitting on the sofa with Duo, smiling meekly and holding a small bunch of flowers.
"Trowa..." Quatre murmured. He looked away. Why was he here?
Duo stood up. "Well, I'll leave you to it, I'm going round to visit old grumpy chops." He paused. "Heero, that is..." He added before leaving through the front door.
Trowa stood up, wringing the stems of the flowers with his hands awkwardly.
"I, uh... got you these... they're not much, but..."
Quatre smiled, but it wasn't a very cheerful smile. "Thank you Trowa, they're pretty." He took the flowers from Trowa as he offered them and went to the kitchen to put them in some water.
Trowa had sat down again when Quatre returned from the kitchen. The small blond sat on a chair near the sofa Trowa was sitting on.
There was quiet for a while, both of them staring blankly at the floor, lost in their own thoughts.
"I didn't want any of this to happen..." Trowa said after a while.
Quatre looked up at him. "I know, Trowa... me neither... I can't believe I did it... it was stupid... but it hurt so much, I couldn't stand it any more..."
Trowa squeezed his eyes tight shut. He knew exactly what Quatre was saying and he suddenly hated himself for hurting Quatre in such a way.
"Quatre, it was all my fault, I'm so sorry... you have every right to hate me. I almost wish you would, then at least I'd know I was getting some form of retribution."
Quatre felt the need to hold Trowa then, but also felt the pang of not being able to. "I could never hate you..." Quatre whispered. When Trowa opened his eyes, he saw Quatre's beautiful blues gazing into his own with such affection it wrenched his heart.
He stood up. He wanted to do this, needed to. He knelt on the floor in front of Quatre's chair and pulled him close, enfolding the boy in his arms and closing his eyes. Quatre slid off his chair and sank deeper into Trowa's arms.
This same embrace he had dreamed of; it was a thousand times sweeter and more tender than ever he had dreamt it to be. The top of his head nestled in the curve of Trowa's neck, Trowa's body so soft on his face and arms, listening to his heart beat, his arms enfolding Quatre... so warm, gentle.
"Please promise me... you'll never do something like that again..." Trowa murmured.
"I promise..." Quatre replied.
"Quatre... I have to tell you something. I've decided it's foolish of me to carry on the way I do..."
Quatre leaned back so he could look at Trowa. "What is it?" His face looked a little brighter for the embrace, a curious expression across his cherubic face.
Trowa nodded resolutely, looking not at Quatre but at the floor. Neither of them seemed to notice their arms were still loosely holding each other.
"I've... distanced myself from everyone, put myself in a cocoon to protect myself."
"Protect yourself..?"
"From pain. I won't go into it... but I was hurt once. Badly, I didn't want it to happen again, so to stop my emotions being damaged any more, I cut myself off from all things that might harm them... like love."
Quatre said nothing, he merely watched Trowa's face as he spoke, studying the underlying emotion in it's expressions.
"You see, if love is given, then taken away from you, it hurts more than never having loved in the first place. I figured that's how I'd avoid getting hurt, not having love at all.
But I was wrong. You can't choose to love or not love someone... or something... it merely hurts you in the process of trying to remain detached. And... it hurts the one person you'd never wish hurt upon for anything.
Do you understand, Quatre?"
Quatre nodded, his face sad, sad for Trowa. "I understand."
Trowa smiled kindly at him. "You're that person, Quatre. You can never know how much I care for you. I... I love you..." He touched a strand of pale blonde hair that framed Quatre's gentle face in a way so tender, it almost brought Quatre to tears. He drew Trowa close again, closing his eyes.
"And you know I feel the same, don't you?"
Trowa nodded. "I'm... so sorry...
Quatre looked up at Trowa once more, his eyes glistening with tears.
"Trowa..."
***
"So, how did you know about Trowa, Heero?" Duo asked cheerily as the pair strolled back to Duo's house.
Heero slipped his hands into his pockets, his eyes on the ground before him. "I know him quite well, or at least I like to think so. It's easy to discern his feelings- the way he looks at Quatre when he thinks no one is watching him... how he always thinks of Quatre before all others, maybe I've become an expert Trowa watcher." The Japanese boy shrugged.
Duo grinned. "Yeah... maybe... just don't be watching him too much, ok? Quatre's territory and all..."
Heero shook his head. "I wouldn't worry about it."
A few minutes of walking later, and they arrived at Duo's house. Duo opened the door silently, he and Heero stepped inside. Duo hung his key on the shelf as Heero made his way into the living room. A moment later, he re-emerged into the hall.
"Wanna go for some coffee? I've decided we should stay out a while." He said quietly.
"Why?" Asked Duo. Heero beckoned Duo to follow him, soon they were standing at the living room doorway.
Trowa and Quatre were sitting on the floor in a tight embrace, rocking slightly. They didn't seem to see the other two boys watching them.
Duo nodded silently at Heero, the two left the house once more.
~Owari~
I got the title from an Ultravox song... which actually reminded me a lot of a certain pairing going by the name of 13+6... ah well! ^v^;;;