Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, thank goodness, because this particular story would ruin me.
Note: Forgive me for doing this, my other stories are quite sane, but it's always fun to tak a different approuch to things ... enjoy as best you can.
Harry Potter: And the Hormonal Problems!
Chapter One: Perverts and Strange Smells!
Something very bizarre was begginning to occur at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Harry had no idea why. Not even Hermione Granger, his smart arsed know it all friend had anything to say on the situation - in fact, she was as much a part of the problem as everyone else.
It all began on just another lousy Monday morning. As everyone already knows, Monday mornings are torture and for Harry Potter, they were naturally about ten times worse. Not only did he and his fellow Gryffindors have to endure double potions with the most hated and greasiest man in the enitire magical world, but it also happened to be the begginning of the strange chain of events at hogwarts ... it also happened to be the hottest day of the year ... it also so happened that they were brewing up heating potions. Gotta love those Monday mornings.
Ron Weasley was the first that Harry noticed as acting out of the ordinary. As Snape baffled on about how he loathed Harry and at this very moment was building a magical weapon of mass destruction that would ultimately lead to his downfall, Ron was starring longingly at Lavender Browns chest. Harry personally didn't think there was much to look at, Lavender, in his oppinion, had small breasts and Harry didn't care too much for small breasts. However, Ron must have seen something that he didn't because his eyes appeared to be bulging out of there sockets and a glistening line of drool was slowly sliding down his chin.
"Um ... Ron? Are you alright?" Harry asked cautiously, waving his hand in front of Ron's eyes. Ron blinked furiously, grunted and then shoved Harry's hand out of his line of vision. Harry rolled his eyes and gave up, slouching back into his seat and crossing his arms over his chest.
"No slouching in my class room," Snape growled, startling Harry as he appeared right by his side.
"How did you -" Harry began, wondering how on earth someone so greasy could be talking up the front of the room one minute and then appear at the side of a student, furthest away from the front, in mere seconds.
"SILENCE!" Snape screached rather dramaticly, spitting all over Harry. "Ten points from Gryffindor for slouching, and another ten for calling me greasy."
Dam, Harry thought, he read my mind. Harry didn't know for sure if his ugly potions master could actually read minds, but he had a sneaking suspicion - he also had an itchy nose ... so he scratched it.
"And a further ten points for scratching your nose in my den Mr. Potter," Snape finnished with a wicked grin. He swoshed his cloak about him dramatically as he walked away to the front of the room where he went back to talking about his latest invention to kill Harry over Butterbeers with Crabbe, Goyle and of course, everyones favourite boy ... Draco Malfoy.
All of a sudden, so suddenly it happened all of a sudden, Lavender let out a horrible Zena like screach and she lunged at Ron, knocking him backwards off his chair and missing Harry's ear by centimetres. She slapped every part of Ron she could get to and screamed, "STOP STARRING AT MY BOOBS!" As you can imagine, at the word, 'Boob', everyone abandoned their heating potions and turned to laugh at the person who had said the sex related word ... pft, teenagers.
Of course, there was sudden uproar. Neville let put a small squeel and disappeared behind his desk, Seamus let out a snort of laughter, said something about a threesome and jumped on top. Hermione breathed an "Oh dear," and then, "stop them Harry,' like he had the power to stop them at will. Malfoy told the room his father would hear about this, Crabbe and Goyle ran blindly about until they collided with one another and Snape pulled out his wand. "Stop or I'll use it," he said, grabbing Neville from behind the desk ("No, Professor ... please") and pointing the wand at his temple.
"I'll do it," he threatened, keeping a firm grip on the wand and on Neville. Harry had no idea what on earth Snape was doing, but he was very greasy after all, so everyone in the room fell into immediate silence and Lavender stopped hitting Ron. "That's it ... slow and steady now, we don't want anyone else getting hurt," Snape said, finally letting go of Neville. There was a moments silence when everyone looked at each other very confused, at that exact moment Dumbledore walked into the room.
"What in Pheonix name is going on here?" he asked, taking in every person in the room with his toilet water coloured eyes. Hermione burst into tears, Ron quickly made to comfort her and Snape took control once more.
"Back to your potions you putrid little poops, off you go." Nobody needed telling twice, when Snape used the word 'poop', the student knew there was trouble.
"Sorry Professor," Snape said, pulling Dumbledore aside for a quite word. Naturally Harry, Ron and Hermione (who had stopped crying, just as suddenly as she had started) heard everything, as they usually do. "Hormonal problems with the students again."
"Not more Hormonal problems," Dumbledore mumbled, frowning slightly. "Thats the third one this week."
"May I suggest something sir," Snape asked and although Dumbledore didn't reply, he proceeded anyway. "Of course, this may all be just a miss understanding, but I think the problem would be solved if Harry Potter was expelled from Hogwarts."
Dumbledore rolled his eyes and slapped Snape hard across the face. "Get a hold of yourself man," he said, slapping Snape once more.
"Sorry Professor, I am seeing someone you know," Snape said, lowering his voice to barely a whisper. "Now, what so you propose the reason for all these Hormonal problems are?" he asked, getting straight back to buisness.
"I don't know," Dumbledore said and with that his eyes rolled backwards into his head, he collapsed onto the floor and he began to snoore.
Snape didn't bother after that, he merely shrugged his shoulders and went back to telling off the class. Thing was, Dumbledore was begginning to get very old and senile. He had been diagnosed with a rare disease called diapoopatobia which basically meant he forgot things every now and then and often fell asleep, right in the middle of things. Why, just yesterday at the start of term feast, right in the middle of his introductry speech, he had dozed off and fallen face first into McGonagall's lap. It was quite distressing to see a man like Dumbledore become so ... old ... but hey, what can you do.
Harry, Hermione and Ron looked at each other, in that way they usually do when their about to start a new adventure or when they've figured something out, or when they know that trouble is near. Snape, meanwhile, threatened to feed Trevor, Neville's toad, poison is his heating charm wasn't heated enough.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Harry said, stealing Obi Wan Kenobi's famous lines.
"Me too,' said Ron - and he farted.
"Gross," Hermione squealed trying to fan the smell away with her Potions alla Meatballs textbook. Harry merely laughed his head off.
"POTTER," Snape thundered. "No laughing in my presence, ten points from Gryfindor."
Harry shut up after that and Hermione passed out from the smell of Ron's fart. Ron took this oppotunity to switch his potion with Hermiones so that he could get full marks whilst Harry shuddered slightly. This was going to be another year with another life threatening and highly unlikely adventure and it had already begun.