Stir Well
by Persephone

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction based on the movie Ratatouille. No undue claim nor any material profit is expected or intended.

"Is it true, that you had rats in your kitchen?"

Linguini gulped visibly, stood up straight, and told the truth. "Yes."

With the Health Inspector's report confirmed so baldly by the restaurant's owner, the reporters actually seemed at a loss for words. No one else did.

Over the rising tide of outrage, Linguini's desperate protest rose. "But I promise, your food was clean! Because we washed them all! Every... last... one!"

He was going under. Colette clapped one hand to her forehead, stretched out the other, and yanked him away, slamming the door of the doomed restaurant behind them and locking it.

"Well..." Linguini winced at the slapping sound of the warning signs going up all over the exterior of the restaurant. "We did wash them. Or, well, the little chef did."

Colette sighed. "They do not care about that."

A deep, foreboding voice opined, "That didn't go very well, did it?" and a tall form loomed out of the shadows.

Linguini and Colette whirled around, nearly falling into each other. "GAH!"

Anton Ego raised one ominous eyebrow. "My word. What a greeting."

"Sorry," Linguini said a bit breathlessly.

"We... were... not exactly expecting to see you here," Colette added.

"Um, why are you in here?" Linguini asked, looking around the darkened dining area with a bewildered expression. "I'm afraid we've been closed down."

"I am aware of that." Ego planted both hands on the table and leaned down almost to Linguini's eye level. "In a not unrelated event, I," he said, "have been fired."

Linguini winced. "Over the review? I'm, uh, I'm sorry about that. I guess the rats, um..."

Ego shrugged. On someone with such a dramatic hunch, especially leaning over, it was a most peculiar-looking gesture. "Perhaps. On the other hand, after my criticism of the profession of critic, my colleagues were hardly best pleased. No matter. It was a very well-paid job and I have never been an extravagant spender. I was quite well off before I sold my house, and after replacing it with a more modest one, why, I hardly know what to do with myself."

Colette slowly raised an eyebrow. Why was he telling them this? After his response to the rat's ratatouille and that unbelievably positive review... Well, she might have expected him to come to recriminate. For some reason, she couldn't quite understand his coming to gloat.

Linguini winced even harder. "You lost your home? Oh, no." Evidently he didn't quite get it.

Ego blinked at him. "I bought the house," he said, "because it was appropriate to my image and because it was a good investment. I no longer have the image, so I have liquidated the investment. In short, I am very well off."

"Okay," Linguini said, "but why are you telling us this?" His voice cracked on the last word and then disappeared entirely.

"Linguini." Ego bowed slightly toward her. "Colette." He drew himself up to his full height. "I am here to make you a business proposition."

Colette's eyes widened. Linguini's eyes and mouth widened.

"What kind?" Colette asked, as Linguini seemed to be having some difficulty speaking.

"That you open a new restaurant, of course!"

"But the reputation! After Gusteau's has been forced to close--"

"You will wait a while," Ego shrugged. "But only a little while. People forget quickly. Name it something else. Place it in a different neighborhood. Draw no attention to the connection. In fact, do not pursue attention at all." He leaned close. "Be more discreet about the rats." He straightened again. "I will provide the money. You will provide the personnel. And customers will find you." He paused. "I can recommend a location."

"You think... that'll work?" Linguini asked in hushed tones.

Anton Ego nodded portentously. "It will work."

Overcome with renewed hope, and much to the astonishment of all parties, Colette hugged him.

"Ack!" Ego actually teetered backward and flapped his hands in astonishment before recovering himself and gingerly patting her on the back.

Colette let him go and flung herself at Linguini.

"Ack!" said Linguini into her mouth. But the rest of his response was much more satisfactory.