Title: S Rank Jutsu
Summary: Kakashi's cute little genin demand a breathtaking jutsu in response to their horrific D ranks. He replies by trolling them (of course) but then Kakashi ... maybe takes the joke too far. In his defence, the One Thousand Years Of Death attack is actually quite terrifying.
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It's several weeks after graduation from the Academy and the children won't stop complaining. It's not just Naruto either, it's also Sasuke and Sakura and for some reason Asuma's kids are also whining at Kakashi.
The jonin is slowly being driven insane by their high-pitched little tween voices that sound like a balloon rapidly losing air with it's opening stretched to make that damn 'eeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii' sound and oh God Kakashi can't take this any more.
Kakashi agrees to teach his cute little genin if they capture and return Tora in under ten minutes. He expects Naruto to actually become Hokage before they succeed, but that's just not the kind of day Kakashi is having. They somehow manage through sheer will power (certainly not through skill) and he can't exactly go back on his word. They won't let him.
"This is a very dangerous attack for people of your skill level," Kakashi warns.
The three of them shiver at the seriousness radiating off their usually lax teacher.
"It's a way to break moral, to distract and greatly injure all in one," Kakashi reveals, shifting in stance. "The best weapon is one no one ever sees. And this... no one ever expects this." He lets out a stabilizing breath and flashes through hand signs faster than they can track.
Sasuke leans forward while Sakura pulls back in fright and Naruto gapes.
In a split second, the dangerous aura around Kakashi vanishes, replaced by a bored teacher messing with his students. "One Thousand Years Of Death," Kakashi deadpans unenthusiastically and lamely jabs at the air in front of him a little bit.
He then straightens up and smiles brightly at his genin.
In a stunning show of teamwork, all three of them band together and launch a rather aggressive attack. Kakashi calmly dislocates all their left ankles because while he could just slap them around a little, the Hokage probably wouldn't respond well to the excuse 'it was in self-defence' after finding them in the hospital.
The three don't hesitate what so ever, smoothly transitioning from close range combat to hurling weapons and jutsu at Kakashi. When they run out of weapons they resourcefully improvise by throwing rocks and snapping off nearby tree branches to use as javelins.
Eventually a large circle of destruction is made in the training grounds and the poor little kids run out of steam to keep them going.
Kakashi peers down at them, his one eye wide and innocent. "I was not expecting that kind of stamina," he admits. "I'm honestly impressed." He looks behind him at the wave of decimated trees that took the brunt of every attack. "Your aim also got significantly better somewhere between running out of shuriken and sharpening the rocks. Well done kids!"
Sakura weakly rips up a few pieces of grass and limply flops her wrists around to send it in Kakashi's direction. The wind blows it back into her hair.
"Tora," Naruto rasps. "We... faced off against Tora for you, sensei. I did things. Things I'm not proud of. And this is what we get?"
"You got an awesome jutsu!" Kakashi chirps. "Isn't that what you wanted?"
"That monstrosity of a joke is not a jutsu," Sakura hisses, still face down in the grass and completely uncaring. Another few strands of grass are sent vaguely at the jonin.
"I don't know where this doubt comes from," Kakashi hums in mock concern. "I'm a ninjutsu master; I think I know my attacks."
"I bet you've never used it in a real fight your entire life," Naruto scoffs. "No, I bet you made it up when I fought you during the bell test."
Both of those points are true, but Kakashi decides that none of his cute little students need to know.
Sakura raises her head wobbly and glares with all of her strength left. It's not much. "Name one time."
"Maa, you know," Kakashi makes gestures to his left, where a tree just so happens to be merrily burning away. "That one fight. Everyone knows about that fight. In fact, the jutsu I just showed you won me the match."
Naruto sits up, still panting a bit. "If you..." he has to take a moment because his vision is overrun with spots. "If you use it in a serious fight, then I will pour my heart and soul into learning your stupid move."
Sasuke lifts himself on trembling arms and somehow staggers to his feet. It's even more impressive because Kakashi was pretty sure the Uchiha had actually lost consciousness. He sways but does stay up, running entirely on hatred at this point.
"It has to be a jonin opponent," Sasuke snarls. "A real battle, life or death. And when you finally admit that you're bullshitting, you have to teach us whatever we want, no questions asked."
"And you have to start teaching us immediately," Sakura pitches in. "No getting lost in forests or helping old ladies with their shopping."
Kakashi should stop this. If he ever engages a jonin opponent, then it'll probably be someone strong enough to take Kakashi on instead of running away. Plus, three genin would be around to distract him. No, he's not honestly considering saying yes.
"What's wrong, sensei?" Sasuke hisses with narrowed eyes. "Are you scared because you know your attack is rubbish?"
"Ne, sensei," Sakura snarls. "I really want to learn all about village secrets when you finally admit you're a joke."
"I want to learn what's under the mask," Naruto growls, a bit of the Kyuubi seeping through in his voice.
Kakashi rolls his eyes. "You're my students - no, sorry, you're my slaves who I'm polite enough to address as students. What makes you think you have any say in what I will and will not teach you?"
"Sensei is a little bitch," Sasuke abruptly announces.
"Okay!" Kakashi cries in annoyance. "Fine, I'll show you how amazing my jutsu is and when I do, every single one of you little brats are going to learn it. Live by it. Die for it."
"I can't wait," Sakura snaps.
And then all three of them collapse simultaneously, unconscious. Kakashi really hopes that they forget the conversation, or at least consider it a delusion they dreamed up in exhaustion.
Zabuza's pause lasts a bit too long.
Kakashi is sure he should be saying something like 'you'll never get away with it' but he's busy calculating the risks. On one hand, he could die and his little genin could die along with the bridge builder, plus the mission will be a definite fail.
But on the other hand, Kakashi could finally get the brats to stop pawing at him and asking when he's going to go fight a missing nin.
Kakashi has never been a good role model.
Naruto gasps aloud in horror. Sasuke tightens his grip on his kunai and prepares to throw it. Sakura just gapes.
Kakashi slides into a stance and runs through a series of hand signs, his killing intent pouring out with his Sharingan spinning wildly. "Fire Style: One Thousand Years Of Death!"
"No!" Naruto desperately screams at Zabuza. "Get away!"
The honest, bone chilling fear for Zabuza, an enemy ninja, makes the missing nin mentally stumble for a split second.
"Behind!" Sakura shrieks.
What Zabuza thinks she means is 'he's behind your back'. What Sakura actually means is 'your behind is about to get violently sexually assaulted'.
Kakashi substitutes with a rock beside the missing nin's feet and jabs forward, a fire ball so hot it's coloured white at the end of his fingers.
Zabuza goes flying straight up, the fire roaring at the seat of his pants. It's oddly majestic the way he flails and slams head first into -and then through- a tree. Almost immediately, a surprisingly desperate hunter nin jumps down, says they'll take care of everything, and drags an unconscious Zabuza away.
Kakashi smugly swaggers over to them, dripping wet from Zabuza's earlier attacks, and peers down at the three. His only visible eye is squinted shut from how wide he's smiling.
"So who wants a new jonin?" Sasuke asks, raising his hand.
Both Naruto and Sakura raise their arms as well. The bridge builder takes a second but he too votes for another jonin.
Kakashi runs them into the ground.
He has to teach them chakra control first, followed by their elemental styles and once they can do it in their sleep he sets a minimum speed and strength requirement, plus forces them into learning stealth and teamwork tactics before finally letting them free into the world to cause destruction.
He's not doing this to make them stronger so they'll survive the missions they take. He's doing this as a punishment. Kakashi is the Copy motherfucking Ninja and the little pricks had the gall to insult his ninjutsu.
It's not intentional. It's really not. But the three of them are panicking with a Sanin trying to kill everyone, and there's no time to think and... they simply fall back onto training.
Orochimaru blocks the first attempt, looks at them warily, and then retreats a bit while snakes take over the fight. They somehow escape, mostly because their opponent is so disturbed and hesitant to follow, then claw their way to the tower.
When Kakashi shows up and notices the three can't look anyone in the eye, it's only a short step in logic to realise what actually went down. Their teacher gathers them close, tells them how proud he is in a wobbling voice, and then has to leave for a bit to get the laughter out of his system.
"Kakashi," the Hokage begins. "I've been getting reports about your students… shoving their fingers up people's butts."
Kakashi makes a hand sign and says 'kai' to try and break the genjutsu. Nothing happens so he turns back to the Hokage. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
The Sandaime sighs. "Never mind – I … just watch them."
Kakashi nods, bows and leaves the room. The mask helps a lot with the poker face, but it's really the memory of his father's fresh corpse that barely manages to keep the hilarity at bay.
Reliving Obito being crushed means that Kakashi gets back to his apartment, but not even the phantom feeling of his fingers wrapping around Rin's heart can stop him from howling in laughter when he finally puts up privacy seals.
This is probably why they kicked him from ANBU.
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A/N: This story is even more crack-tastic than Recourse so I really don't know why so many of you voted for it. I did take a bit of liberty with the actual attack and just assumed that you could add elemental styles to it if you changed up the hand signs.
Also, if this was canon, Naruto would be a very different genre.