"Baby…. Please…"

JJ was silent as Drake poured his heart out, apparently not giving a damn if he broke or not. Inwardly however he was screaming; screaming for this all to be over, for his responsibility to the world to be over, for Drake's pain to disappear and everything to go back to the way it was. The darkness spread out over the room, the tiny amount of moonlight crafting mysterious shadows and darkening JJ's face, hiding the expression caused by his inner turmoil.

"Better off…," he thought as he became more and more aware of the darkness swirling around him. "If he realizes……it's all… over…"

Drake paused when he saw JJ lower his head sullenly. He took deep breaths and Drake could barley make out his hands gripping the edge of the satin on the bench. The moonlight made it hard to depict, but JJ's discomfort was palpable, and Drake was especially keen to it.

"You're questioning it too," Drake laid it out more as a statement than a question "the whole Pilgrimage thing…" his chocolate eyes barely caught JJ's slight nod. The dusty bluish hair covered his eyes and made it impossible to read his true expression. He was trying to mask himself, which he was rather adept at. Drake knew from sheer experience that there could be tears, fury, cheer,…anything, under those bangs. He took the few quick steps over to where JJ was perched, kneeling down between his knees. He looked up at his face, still covered in shadow from the angle JJ was holding it at. "Don't hide from me." Drake said. With a hesitant shiver JJ leaned back, turning his head farther into the shadow. The light from the adjacent room highlighting his hair and casting a harsher darkness over JJ's features. "Don't hide from me!" Drake hissed, his eyes becoming intense. JJ remained still.

"Give it up!" Drake pleaded "Baby, you gotta give it up! This is useless!"

"It is not useless!" JJ snapped, his head turning to Drake's direction. The tear bordered eyes showing. "You know as well as I do the importance of this!"

Drake didn't falter "And it's okay to hide your face and cry while the rest of civilization moves on and forgets you? It's okay for you to just throw your life into the pit for three or four years of peace just for another monster to come back? You'll die in vain JJ! Please…"

JJ wiped a stray tear away. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier? Like when we started this, if that's how you feel?" he tried to sound strong, but he knew the truth. The closer they got to Zanarkand… the deeper the truth sank in. What started as floating thoughts had grown into looming mental strife. Even earlier, in the sunlight, he himself had contemplated the worth of this journey… he caught himself staring blankly at Mt. Gagazet. Turning to glance out the window at the snowy peak again he asked the same question as before, would he really never come back from over that mountain? Would he be satisfied with that?

"I… I can't do it JJ. I can't," JJ glanced back at Drake. "I can't just stand there and watch you die. I can't! I won't do it!" Drake was crying, laying his head against JJ's knee. JJ reflexively brushed his finger's through Drake's hair, cooing softly to sooth him. Drake's body was shaking slightly from the repressed sobs. JJ glowered inwardly at himself for what he was causing. But could he really leave Spira…. To Sin? Even when he knew he had the power to take Spira's pain away?

Normally this was an easy… even a 'duh' answer. Drake. Drake always, nothing came before him. But now… an entire world-full of people stood in the way…

"Drake," JJ thumbed the blonde's ear lightly, he looked up slowly, through red-tinted eyes "You know… that if I don't do this… no one else will…" Drake stilled, paused. Then slowly sank back down to his lover's knee where tears were shed once more, silently this time. A dismal and hopelessly lost feeling was emanating from him. JJ continued. "Drake…. Drake?….(sigh) I can send people from dawn till dusk for the rest of my days… but what would be the point? More people will be killed by Sin everyday. People will still continue to live on fear, towns can never grow to more than 1,000 people or Sin comes… Drake… wouldn't it be better for the world if I just used what is left of my power to destroy the cause instead of the symptoms?" He could feel Drake shake his head, he could feel Drake's eyes on him… he could feel Drake's pain. He sighed gently as he rocked his love in his arms…what could be expected of Drake now? How can you hold yourself together when the world around you is crumbling apart?

"Please say you won't go… please say you won't go." Drake begged. He reached up and tugged harshly on JJ's shirt, pulling him down in a heap in his lap. Immediately latching his arms around him he squeezed tightly. He kissed him on the cheek, then began a wild rush over his lips, somewhat like a 'forgive me kiss' Drake was giving him 'don't leave me' kisses. Empty and hollow as they were, no love inside them, only loneliness and pleading. The act itself almost brought him to tears, only solidifying the guilt and the pain he was causing… but he couldn't just abandon the people of Spira… could he? The thought was… tempting…Drake's words were….tempting…his voice, his hands, his lips… all of it. How could he say good-bye to that? How could he even try?

Tears began to well up in his own eyes again as he gave that future a thought. Drake, cold and alone… and he….lost on the Farplane somewhere… left only as a wisp of a memory for Drake to see… never touch… never hear. Tears made their presence known and he was aware of the sorrow burning inside him. He couldn't…. do this…could he?………….He had to.

"Drake I…" JJ trailed off as quickly as he started. Drake sat up, staring intently. "….I can't do this……but…….I can't just abandon this either! I……..please… try to understand…" Drake nodded, holding him tighter and releasing a pent-up sigh.

"Just… think about what your doing…"

"I am thinking! There's too much to think about!"

"What is there to think about? There are other summoners out there, dozens. I've seen them, you've seen them. Why don't we just quit this and go?" JJ leaned his head against Drake's shoulder as he thought.

"But… none of them are… none of them can do it…"

"Like you can… I know babe… I know, I've seen it too often."

The two continued to hold each other in an understanding silence, soon the moonlight began to dim and fade out, and the nightly routine of the Hymn of the Fayth could be heard, ringing through the halls or the Macalania Temple and out over the plains of the Calm Lands. Soft and barely heard over the cliffs, but soothing and ever-mesmerizing all the same.

"Oh…." JJ perked up at the sound, reminded and guilted by his pending responsibility to the world. Drake placed warm hands to his shoulders, shaking him slightly.

"Forget that song baby! Forget that song!" Tears were streaming down his cheeks again. "Just…-" JJ put two fingers to his lips.

"Gagazet. Give me until Gagazet…..Drakey" He ended the bargain with an attempted smile. Drake buried his face in JJ's chest.

"Don't use pet names unless you mean to stick around…"

"I won't let you down Drake…" JJ kissed the top of his head and began to rock him again.

TBC