Title: Forgiveness
Beta: Reynardo
Cheerleader: MollysSister
Genre: angst, romance, slash
Rating: PG
Warnings: AU, Main Character death
Pairing: Lucius/Severus, Lucius/Narcissa implied
Word Count: 2000
Summary: Lucius wants Severus's forgiveness but knows he can never have it.
A/N: Written for the 2010 luciusbigbang fest. Thank you to the amazing mods for creating this fest. It was a blast! Thanks to Reynardo for sending me little things to peak my Lucius interest!
Forgiveness
A flash of lightning lit the sky, throwing the ground into stark relief. The storm was getting closer; a perfect ending to this day of his life. Lucius stared blankly out of the window, lost in his thoughts. How was he going to tell Severus? He should have told him months ago but he had put it off, hoping that he could find a way out of it. That had ended when his father had given him the ultimatum.
The door opened behind him, shaking him out of his thoughts. He strained to hear the footsteps. Neither of his parents were home so it had to be one of the house elves. He had told them to leave him alone in his ruminations – they would be punished for breaking the silence. Whirling around, a snarl on his face, he froze as he saw who was before him. It wasn't a house elf – it was the last person he wanted to see today.
Severus.
"Severus, what are you doing here?"
"You asked me to come over last night," Severus walked into the room. "Have you forgotten already? You know memory loss due to old age can be corrected with a memory enhancing potion. I might be willing to whip one up for you if you give me the right incentive," he purred. "It would be a hard potion to make but I'm sure you could come up with something to repay me."
Lucius shivered. That voice always got to him, especially when Severus used it for seduction. He shook his head slightly. Now was not the time to think about Severus and hard things. Taking a deep breath, he turned around slowly, feeling his mask settle firmly in place.
Staring at Severus, Lucius worked up the courage to tell him. "I'm engaged to Narcissa Black. We'll be married in three months time." Severus looked up sharply, staring into his eyes. As much as Lucius wanted to look away, he didn't. He deserved to see everything that Severus felt. Minutes passed; the silence become more oppressive as the time went on.
"Wh – what?" Severus finally said. "When was this decided?"
"A month ago –"
"A month!" Severus yelled, "You knew for a month and you're only just telling me?"
Lucius winced slightly at the anger. He knew he deserved it but it didn't make it easier. A clean break, his father had said.
"I was hoping that you would understand."
"Understand? Lucius after all we've been through – were you even going to tell me?"
Lucius sighed. "Severus, just because I am getting married doesn't mean that we have to end our liaison - provided that it stays a secret. No need for it to circulate amongst society gossip."
"I'm supposed to be your dirty little secret. Is that it?"
"Secret yes. Dirty…not unless you want to be." Lucius leered. He cringed inside knowing what that would do to Severus. Severus rarely acknowledged his emotions, let alone showed them to others. The blatant disregard for his emotions would drive Severus away.
"You don't even care about me, do you? After all this time, you still think I'm a stupid little lapdog."
"Severus, we said when we started this liaison that emotions would stay out of it," Lucius replied flippantly, turning away to stare out the window again.
"I won't be a secret to be covered up and hidden. Come talk to me when you can admit that our relationship meant something to you."
Lucius listened as Severus stormed out of the study, sagging as the door slammed. He leaned his head against the window and sighed. The storm reflected his mood within. He wondered if Severus would ever talk to him again.
~.~
Lucius glanced around the hall, his gaze resting briefly upon Narcissa dancing with his father before moving on. Severus was here – somewhere – and Lucius was determined to find him. He wouldn't approach Severus. He didn't need to deal with explaining to his father why he had caused a scene at his own wedding. He shuddered slightly at the thought and turned to put his glass down when he saw Severus. He was hiding in the shadows in the back corner watching everyone, a scowl on his face.
Three months. It had been three months since Lucius saw Severus. Three months since he last spoke to him. He hadn't even caught a glimpse of Severus in Diagon Alley.
"Lucius, what are you looking at?" Lucius glanced up, startled. When had Narcissa come to stand beside him?
"Nothing, dear. Just lost in my thoughts. How was your dance?"
"Wonderful. I now know who you got your talent from." Soft sounds of the next song wafted through the air. "Dance with me?"
Lucius bowed his head in acknowledgement and held out his hand for her to take. He led her on the dance floor and started to waltz. One song led into another without Lucius noticing. He was in his element – twirling and dipping Narcissa across the floor – his skills the envy of the other Purebloods. When Lucius finally led Narcissa off the floor an hour had passed. He gazed around the room looking for Severus but he didn't see him.
He probably left, Lucius thought as he turned back to his wife, forcibly stamping down the anguished feeling in his chest.
~.~
The years passed and Lucius and Severus rarely interacted. The first time they spoke was at Draco's naming ceremony. Lucius knew it was petty of him – appointing Severus as Draco's godfather – but he needed it. Lucius knew he deserved the vitriol that Severus spewed at him. Severus would be a decent godfather; attending birthday parties and possibly the Christmas ball if Lucius was lucky. He needed to see Severus even if it meant that he was greeted with accusing stares and snide comments.
He got what he wished. Severus attended every birthday party and the Christmas Ball when Narcissa wouldn't take his excuses anymore. But he never talked to Lucius. He would barely glance at Lucius and when they did lock eyes Lucius was met with sullen glares.
Draco's fifth birthday party was the last time Lucius tried to approach Severus. Every year Severus would Apparate in, drop his gift off with Draco and wish him a Happy Birthday, speak to Narcissa long enough to placate her before he would find a shadowed corner to stand in for the rest of the party. He would wait until the first guest would leave before he would emerge from the shadows to go back to Hogwarts.
Like clockwork, Lucius watched Severus go through his ritual. He waited until Narcissa was busy with Draco before approaching Severus. He didn't know what he would say to him, just that he had to try.
"Severus," Lucius said as he stopped a few feet away from him. Severus glanced at him, his eyes narrowing as he saw who it was.
"Get away from me, Malfoy. You have no right to speak to me." Lucius flinched at the anger in the words.
"Severus –" Lucius froze as he stared at the wand pointed at him.
"Just because this is Draco's birthday party does not mean I will not curse you. I don't like you. I don't want to interact with you. I don't want to see you. I will put up with your presence for Draco's sake but if you ever try to talk to me again you will regret it. Remember Malfoy, I started my Potions career in the Dark Lord's service."
Lucius shuddered. He distinctly remembered what havoc those potions could wreak. The memory of a family dying as their blood slowly heated to a boil and cooked them from the inside rose unbidden to Lucius' mind.
"Stay. Away. From. Me." Severus stalked away, leaving Lucius standing in his wake.
~.~
Lucius never tried again. He watched as the years took their toll on Severus –his face got lined with wrinkles, his sneers became more pronounced and his expression more bitter. Severus hid himself behind a mask and every year the mask became more permanent. After Draco went to Hogwarts there was no reason for Severus to come to the manor.
~.~
Lucius didn't get to see Severus on a regular basis again until the Dark Lord came back. Even then their time together was fleeting. The one thing Lucius noticed was that Severus's eyes were dead. What would it take to put the spark back in his eyes?
~.~
Lucius lay on the field, blood pouring sluggishly from his wounds. He knew he was going to die.
It would take the last of his strength to do this. His final act. He reached up, slowly curling his hand in Severus's lapel, pulling him closer. "Severus," he gasped.
"Don't talk," Severus cut in harshly. "Save your strength."
"I never took you for the placating type Severus. Don't start now." He doubled over as a spasm wracked his body, curling up as he coughed up blood. "I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago."
"What is so important that you have to tell me now?" Lucius looked at Severus face, watching as he tried and failed to keep his mask up – despair clouding his eyes. He was the only one that Severus dropped his masks around; for once he was grateful for it. He smiled sardonically. The last thing he would see was Severus.
"Remember what you asked me before I got married." He stopped, watching and waiting for Severus to remember.
"The day in the study?" Severus murmured. Lucius nodded, prompting Severus to continue. "I remember. Why are you bringing that up at a time like this?"
"Because Severus," Lucius said, holding on long enough to continue. "The answer to your question is yes. You were the only person I ever loved." He watched as Severus's eyes widened in shock.
"I would ask for your forgiveness for not telling you then, but I know I don't deserve it. I don't even expect you to still feel that way for me. I just had to tell you." Now he could die in peace. Severus had learned the truth.
Lucius stared at Severus as his vision grayed, greedily taking in every line, every detail of his face. This would be the last time he would ever see him. I've missed his arms, he thought as his breathing slowed and eventually stopped.
~.~
He had watched him ever since he was a lonely first year. The first person to show him kindness at Hogwarts – the first Pureblood that overlooked his Half-Blood status. Ever since he had thrown his arm around his shoulder and welcomed him to Slytherin, Severus had watched Lucius. His every move, every emotion, every plot was watched - cataloged in Severus's mind to analyze later. He looked up to Lucius – determined to learn everything from the teenager.
He followed in his footsteps, wanting Lucius to be proud of him. And he was. Severus was the only person to see the real Lucius; witness every emotion that Lucius ever had – happiness, sadness, anger, nonchalance, arrogance, love – but he had never seen regret. Not until that day. Not until Severus held him in his arms as he slipped away, a smile etched on his face. It was the first time in a long time that Severus had seen such a peaceful expression on Lucius' face.
Severus watched as the last mound of dirt was put in place over the coffin, not letting any of his turmoil show on his face. He didn't notice as the rest of the crowd dispersed. He just stood there and looked at the grave of the only person to love him.
I've watched him all my life. Watched him, followed him, and eventually fell in love with him. I stood by as he got married, had a child and grew up – always wondering if he felt for me the same way I felt for him. And now I know.
Severus slowly walked towards the headstone, stopping in front of it to read the inscription. He pulled out his wand and with a wave, more letters were written on the stone. For a few moments, Severus rested his hand on the headstone, simply staring blackly ahead before squaring his shoulders and walking away. He didn't look back to read the new words.
You are forgiven.