Disclaimer: All the real names of places, people, and events have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me.
Hey there, Loves.
Thought I was dead? Well, I was – until something happened. Everybody knows how uneventful summer was in our usual La Perla swimsuits (and Emilio Pucci cover-ups for those who didn't quite reach their desired summer bod this year, I cry for you) and Gucci sunglasses while parading in the Maldives or in my case, Bora Bora. I was happily getting myself a lovely tan when one of you dearies texted me. I knew I just had to take a sip of my baby coconut drink and type away. This story is way more exciting than trying to toast myself on a perfectly sunny day.
Konoha's sweetheart, H, is back. She was seen at the Konoha Grand Central looking just as sweet as she did when she left a year ago. Only it looks like someone cut their hair short and lost a couple of pounds. After being last seen a year ago, at a house party hosted by her then-rumored beau, Konoha's golden boy, NU, dancing atop a marble bar with resident brooding mystery, SU, H has been off the radar. Rumor has it H had to live in the Land of Wind because daddy didn't like his perfect doll of a daughter out here making a fool of herself (with his rival's wayward younger son!) so he shipped her off to Suna to take a boarding school education. Others claim H went through a pregnancy and delivered it away from our prying eyes – we wouldn't want to ruin our very own sweetheart's good name if we learn that she decided to abort it, now would we?
Whatever the true reasons for her social hiatus are still up in the air until I tell everyone what it was. We ladies have got to keep our guns close to our chests lest someone try to steal our hearts and play with it. And keeping up to date is always my game. Who else can you turn to in times of confusion?
Spotted:
SU is walking around the streets of Upper East Konoha busy tapping away on his phone with NU a few steps behind him. NU seems to be telling something quite frantically to our brooding ice prince. Maybe the return of H? Maybe the party (that I will be attending) at the Hyuga's five days from now? NH is getting out of Saks with a number of bags being carried by his chauffeur. I do hope it isn't tea he's serving; I might just need something strong to keep me from blurting out every nasty secret you lovelies send me. SH is trying to hide her popping pink locks under last season's Gucci scarf and oversized sunglasses – is no one telling her that snakes are the new in thing? At least we know why she's trying to hide. Getting caught in last season's designs is a much more heinous crime than getting seen in a 7-11 store. Are those instant ramen cups she's buying? The horrors! Something must be horribly, horribly wrong with SH and we need to know what.
Now for your messages:
Dear GG,
Is it true H is back? I heard she made out with everyone in her co-ed boarding school and now has some STDs.
-concered4myHealth
Hey there C4H,
Yes, it seems our innocent princess is back from the grave, but her make-out habits are out of my orbit. Also, please go back to health class; because being concerned about your health requires you to know how STDs are transmitted and honey, it's not by drool exchange. Plus I doubt H would ever touch you anyway.
GG
Gossip Girl!
I am so ready to give my virginity away! Hopefully to SU in the Hyuga's party! I heard their home has, like, a ton of rooms that nobody ever uses. I got my invite from NH's cousin's ex's best friend's sister's acquaintance himself! Ha. I bet nobody has ever gone that close to NH.
-SassyKaye
Hi SK!
I really hope your name isn't Kaye if you know what is good for you. With H back, I doubt you'd be able to get SU alone. And congratulations on your invite. Hope to see you there!
GG
Dear GG,
I saw SK wear last season's Diane von Furstenburg trench coat and Gucci shades while walking downtown. It was so surreal to see the reigning queen wear something that I would. I have that exact trench coat and I got it on sale!
-FashOnSale
Hey FOS,
Is that so? Whispers have been going around that the queen bee is having a little trouble at paradise being nouveau rich and all. I mean I would never know, us old money folk try to keep to ourselves all the time and if we ever get something on sale (which we never do because who the hell wants hand-outs?) we never tell.
GG
So I hope your summer was at least fun because now that the break is over and the return of questionably innocent minx is upon us, I duly suggest keeping all your partners in tight leashes and your secrets deep in your pockets. You never know when you'll unwittingly give your heart out to H's sweet smile. Take a good look at her and smile because things will never be the same again in the Upper East Side. Thankfully, I'm here to fill you guys in on the latest news on the lives of the richest.
You know you love me,
XOXO