Cassie sighed as she flopped onto the bed after turning on the radio. She wasn't paying any attention to it, she just needed some background noise the silence was unnerving her. She heard the title of a song and it caught her attention. 'Don't Wanna Be Torn'.
"Maybe it's the things I say
Maybe I should I think before I speak
But I thought that I knew enough
To know myself and do what's right for me"
No matter how hard she tried it seemed all she did and say was wrong. Eight years and it was all the same; loud arguments, Moving and Watching and Pushing, too many close calls and still no mother. She tried, honestly she did. She did what she thought was right but no matter what she kept getting it all wrong.
"And these walls I building now
You used to bring them down
And the tears I'm crying now
You used to wipe away."
She couldn't help it, she had been alone for so long that she didn't know what it was to interact with people who cared for her; she had walls so high that it was impossible to even see where they ended. They tried honestly, both of them Kira and Nick, she just didn't know how to bring them down (the only one who was ever able too was still locked up) even when she was twenty-years-old and had traveled with them for such a long time. All she could do was curl up on her bed and cry when she thought they were asleep (they never were).
"I thought you said it was easy
Listening to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breaking apart"
She had a vague memory of her mother telling her that no matter what she Saw she was always supposed to follow her heart. Yeah easier said then done mom. How was she supposed to follow her heart when it was screaming for a man that was almost ten-years-older then her? Not much of a choice, especially when she knew he would never look at her that way. She was almost (basically) ten years younger then him.
"Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn"
She sighed and shifted on the bed, drawing absentmindedly in her sketchbook. Kira and Nick had gone grocery shopping; she had opted to stay at the apartment they were renting stating she was trying to get a vision of when they would have to move on. She knew they were worried about her and how hard she'd been working, but she didn't know what she to tell them.
"Don't make me have to choose between
What I want and what you think I need
(What you think I need)
'Cause I'll always be your little girl
But even little girls still got to dream"
What should she choose? She knew that her mother would tell her that she should go with love (she was romantic like that) she also knew the consequences of what any of her actions would cost her. Go after mom and loose any chance with him, or stay with him and have her mother die. She mentally cursed Nick in her mind, for being so perfect and making her fall for him.
"Now it all feels like a fight
You were always on my side"
She remembered that with her mother there were never any arguments. Her mother was always on her side, especially when it came to what she Saw. They were always together inseparable (until she let herself be caught by the Division).
"And the lonely I feel now
You used make it go away"
No matter how crowded it got with the three of them always together in the same place 24/7; she still felt so alone. Neither of them could understand the pressure she had on her shoulders; one wrong word, move and everything could come tumbling down at her boot clad feet, everything had to be precise and exact and just so or it would be all for nothing and they would all die (Nick, Kira, mom, her).
"I thought you said it was easy
Listening to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why'm I breaking apart
Don't wanna be torn"
Her mother lied, listening to her heart wasn't easy and it wasn't always right. She was so confused and stressed and paranoid. She didn't how much longer she could keep pretending to be okay before she cracked. She was so close to breaking she could feel practically taste it.
"Why is all this so confusing
Complicated and consuming
Why has all this made me angry?
I wanna go back to being happy.
She could almost remember a simpler time, before she started to have visions of Nick (which was since she was five, but she's never told him that), a time when she was happy and innocent. Now she was cynical, negative, bitter, and always so angry. She missed those blurry times.
(Instrumental)
These tears I'm crying now you used to wipe away
She wiped a stray tear from her cheek and watched as another fell onto her pad.
I thought you said it was easy (easy)
Listening to your heart
(Listening to your heart)
I thought you said I'd be okay
(I'd be okay)
So why'm I breaking apart
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
The music changed and she wiped her face as she Saw Nick and Kira arriving in three minutes. She looked at the picture she had drawn while listening to the song. The bright colors depicted two figures intimately intertwined. One blond and one brunette. She ripped the page and tore into little pieces, just as she had done to the others.
She got up just as the door opened and Kira walked in followed by Nick, she walked to the trash can and let the pieces fall between her fingers. She turned toward her roommates and the smile she threw them was bright, fake; it made Nick frown but he kept silent.
"So whatcha guys get?" she questioned approaching them lazily.
She might have been tired of being torn, but she wasn't ready to make such a heavy decision; a decision she knew would break her regardless what she chose.