It is times like these where I believe I am being tested. As Bash said those words, those words that could ruin an entire kingdom, those words that should have meant nothing, but they did. They cut through every layer that I had built up in his absence. Every layer I had made my self forget for Francis's sake. But with those words those walls have crumbled and now I am standing in a tunnel with lights at both ends. Is one brighter than the other, I can't yet tell.

I have tried to be strong, tried to move forward given recent events. It isn't fair that I am burdened with such secrets. And yet it is my place, and it is in this place I must remain. Which isn't fair nor just, but it is a life I must lead for the sake of my country. For the sake of my people. For the sake of my sanity.

"You seem to be in deep thought, my love." Francis walked into our chambers, a smile spreading across his face at the sight of me. I love that smile. That smile that used to be so coveted between ourselves, but now I can only imagine that smile being directed towards someone else.

"More an absence of thought" I said with a weak smile, "I feel as though we need more times where our minds aren't full of thought.' He moved to kiss me delicately on the head.

"Then it shall be done." Francis took my hand in his pulling me to stand close to him. "We should spend the next few hours without a care or worry running across our minds," He ran a finger across my forehead as he spoke, resting it beneath my chin to tilt my head towards his. "Only sensations are of the upmost importance right now. We shall surround ourselves with a wealth of the pleasures of life. So we don't think, but only feel. And it is when we only feel that we can live with the absence of thought."

I couldn't help but softly chuckle at his response.

"You have this way to make everything sound irresponsibly brilliant, as though you have a guide book to my heart."

"That is the definition of true love, Mary. Being able to see into another's soul and not be frightened but to embrace the complexity of it."

"Ahh...there you go again with the perfect thing to say." Francis grinned, before resting his lips softly against mine.

...

There are those moments of true bliss, where you begin to feel as though nothing would ever be as perfect as that moment in time. And although you try desperately to mentally capture every aspect, as time moves on your memories fade. And those feelings of bliss begin to disappear along with it.

As I lay in my husbands arms, wrapped around his naked body, my mind began to wonder as it often does in those quiet hours of the morning. Francis was wrong, you can't exist without feeling and thought, they are like long lost brothers who always find their way back into your life. Uninvited of course, but they are nifty little men who embed themselves so deeply that you often can't remember a time when they didn't exist in unison.

Francis and I spend hours in each others embrace, but my thoughts weren't with him. They were stuck on those words spoken by another. That isn't fair to Francis, who I love so dearly. And although he loves me so, and I believe I know he does, then why would he sleep with another. Least of all a friend.

Is this what my life may become, being the second best. It is the life most royalty lead, we have no choice in the matter. The king knows best, the king does what he wants, the king is the real power. Was I naive to believe it would be different with us? To marry someone you loved, rather than a marriage that was only arranged? Am I clouded by fairytales and possibilities of a future that is only deemed to fail?

I feel as though my fate was decided so long ago, but now I am only just beginning to live it. And it isn't a fate I would have chosen for myself, as often fates do go. As much as I try to move past the incident with Francis I can't, and regrettably I wish to condemn him for it when I am as much to blame.

I stare at the candle resting my the window, and recall the time Bash asked me to light it and he would come. It would be for the wrong reasons tonight that I would let the flame shine through the glass. It would be for selfish and jealous reasons. I won't brake hearts again. Although I swear mine has been chipped.