Warning: Complete OOC

"I want grandchildren."

Ash Ketchum from Pallet town who was currently drinking tea (Soda in his case) and eating biscuits (Fries once again in his case) with his mother in the back yard of their two story four bedroom house promptly choked on his mouthful of liquid and solid.

After two minutes of ragged heaving, he managed to gather the right amount of air to restore to his brain and look up at his mother, Delia.

"W-what?" he managed to stutter, his face bright red. Delia fixed him with a stern look.

"You heard me Ashton Satoshi Ketchum." She stated, raising her teacup to her lips and taking half a mouthful. Ash's eye twitched.

"What the hell-"

"Language."

"-made you think of this!" he demanded, looking slightly outraged. Delia just smiled and gestured at the photo album lying on the table in front of her. It was then and there that Ash regretted ever going on his journeys and allowing his incredibly photo happy mother to ever lay her hands on a camera.

"See, you've had lots of female companions honey, I'm just surprised you haven't gotten with one yet." Delia said, placing her cup down and flicking through the pages in the album until she opened it fully onto a picture of four women. "Misty, May, Dawn and Iris."

Ash gazed down at the photo and had to admit he was impressed at his mother's skills of convincing Iris to get in the photo. Not only was Iris an absolute hater of everything technology involved, but she'd also never really fit in with the other three girls. They'd never truly geld.

"Are you gay?"

Ash almost blew up.

"WHAT?"

"Don't raise your voice."

"What… what…" Ash was rendered speechless as he sat there, staring at his mother in horror. She just shrugged.

"Well it'd make sense. Is it that boy Ritchie? The one just like you?"

"What! No mum!"

"Hmm what about that Paul boy? He's a sexy little thing! With attitude as well!" she giggled. Ash just about died. Seriously?

"What the hell Mum… he's twenty-five years younger than you! What the hell!" Ash cried, staring at his forty-eight year old mother who just smiled.

"Ever heard of a cougar sweetie?"

"OH MY ARCEUS!"

"Hmm so I'm guessing its not Paul… what about Drew? He seems gay to me."

"No!"

"Gary? You did grow up together… must have been some experiments between you…" she said, tapping her chin with her finger, not seeing her son having a seizure in front of her.

"Wha…" he managed to get out before suddenly Delia slammed her hands down on the table.

"WAIT! ITS BROCK!"

Ash's head came in contact with the table.

"It all makes sense! No wonder he never left your side… and the whole chasing after girls is too desperate to be real! You and Brock are together aren't you! But then he left you in Unova… OHMYARCEUS! You were having an affair weren't you Ash! Probably with that Cilan guy weren't you! Ashton Satoshi Ketchum! How dare you!" she rampaged, glaring at her son as he slammed his head over and over again on the table, rattling all the china.

"I'm. Not. Gay" He stated between impacts. Delia frowned.

"Then why are you single?" she asked. Ash slowly raised his head and stared at his mother who was analyzing the photo in front of her.

"Because-"

"I mean… I understand Iris. She's too… annoying. No offence to the girl." Delia stated, staring hard at the smiling girl. "And that hair… I don't know whether to play needle in a haystack with it or hack at it with a chainsaw! Have you seen it lately?"

Ash's mouth fell open. She was nuts.

"Ah well. She ran off back to Unova didn't she? With Cilan? Eh who cares." She shrugged before moving on to the next one.

"Why didn't you go for Dawn? I mean she's cute and smart."

"And taken by Paul." Ash interrupted, shaking his head and picking up his soda and taking a mouthful.

"Even better! You take Dawn and I'll take a piece of that hot Paul ass!"

The lawn and Mr. Mime were soon coated in soda as Ash sprayed it everywhere.

"SWEET MOTHER OF MEW!" he cried, his eyes bulging out of his head. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Excuse me? You watch your mouth." Delia snapped. "I guess when you think about it, they're a cute couple. The blurple couple…" suddenly her eyes widened. "ASH! We should give them names!"

"Give who names?" asked the emotionally destroyed teenager, wondering if he even wanted to know. Delia grinned, a mad look in her eye.

"Everyone! Like Dawn and Paul could be… the Ikari Couple! You know… the angry couple! Because they fight all the time! Oooh… Paul must be an animal in bed if he's this angry… needs to let out his frustrations…" She laughed triumphantly, ignoring her horrified son. "And Iris and Cilan cane be… the Wishful couple! Cause it never is gonna happen!"

Suddenly Delia looked straight at Ash, a creepy grin on her face. "And you and Iris would be… PALMTREE! Get it? Her hair? Its such horrible hair…"

"…" Ash wanted nothing more than to find a hole and bury himself in it. Delia just sat and cackled to herself, thoroughly amused by her joke.

"So.. if its not Dawn or Iris… is it May?" she continued, now looking at the brunette with pigtails. "She's a pretty thing. You could become famous! May and-"

"Drew. She's with Drew." Ash snapped, beginning to pile up the left over dishes so he could have a reason to leave. Delia frowned.

"But he's gay. Is May a man?" she asked completely serious. Ash groaned and placed his head in his hands. Today was not a good day.

"No Mum, May is a girl and Drew is straight."

"What! No way! He's a coordinator!"

"What does that even have to do with sexual preferences?" Ash cried, exasperated.

"Alright. Name one straight coordinator."

"Kenny!"

Suddenly Delia's eyes narrowed at her son and Ash gulped. He was an idiot.

"How dare you speak that…" she shook with fury. "That things name!"

"Mum! What the-"

"If you say hell I swear…"

"Sorry! But seriously! Why do you hate him? Why?"

"Why?" Delia stood up. "Why? Is there any reason why I shouldn't hate that dirty little scumbag? He's disgusting! Probably gay with that creep Conway!"

Ash's mouth dropped open as his mother continued on her little rampage.

"He insulted my cooking, told me he'd be perfect with Dawn, broke my mothers vase, beat Dawn in a contest which she should'vewon but nooo! The ref was some sexist idiot!" Delia snapped, her eyes narrowing bitterly before muttering about how the referee was gay before glaring at Ash again. "And he tried breaking up the Ikari Couple!"

"So you think that gives you a right to hate him?" Ash asked. Delia glared at her son.

"Yes. Yes it does."

Ash groaned before deciding to move away from the topic of Kenny. "So if not him what about Harley?"

"Gay as a doorknob." Delia commented, sitting back down and looking at the photograph.

"Wha… how are doorknobs…" he trailed off, not believing his insane mother. He wasn't surprised when she just waved him off and lifted her head to gaze thoughtfully up at the sky. Slowly, she frowned before smiling.

"Then they can be the contest couple!"

"Wait what?" Ash asked, cocking his head to the side. Obviously he wasn't keeping up with his mother's constant change in conversation topics.

"What about Barry?"

Ash's eyes narrowed and his brow furrowed. "He's not a coordinator, Mum."

Delia laughed lightly before grinning at her son, causing him to tremble. Delia… grinning? This couldn't be good.

"I know silly! I'm meaning as your lover-" Ash promptly fell over anime style.

"OH ARCEUS!" he roared, leaping to his feet and glaring at his mother. "That's just wrong! I mean, come on Mum! I can handle you bringing up woman but men? Then declaring them as lovers? I'm not a homosexual!"

Delia looked at her son, slightly abashed. She hadn't expected that much of an outburst from the poor boy.

"You're right." she sighed, glancing at the ground. Not two seconds later, her head shot up and she was grinning madly at Ash. "Barry's got a thing for Brock Sudowoodo anyway!"

Ash groaned and continued on his original idea of clearing the dishes. He went to make a grab for his mothers teacup and saucer but watched in horror as she pick it up, taking a lady like sip from it.

"Is that even legal?"

He looked up at his mother; slight anger in his eyes but it was mostly curiosity. "Is what legal?"

"A human and a pokemon." she replied before flicking wildly through her album until she landed on a picture of Barry getting a piggyback ride from Brocks Sudowoodo. "Or Barry and Sudowoodo."

Hesitantly, Ash leaned over and peered at the photo, his eyes widening as he looked down at it. "When did you take this?'

"That doesn't matter."

Shaking his head and once again cursing his very photo happy mother, Ash moved away and turned his gaze to his mother. "I don't think any of us consider Barry a human." he chuckled, his chocolate eyes warming up. Delia smiled before her eyes also widened.

"ITS MISTY!" Delia suddenly screamed, her eyes practically bursting with insanity as she threw her still half full cup of tea at Ash, drenching Mr. Mime before he managed to catch it, and began madly tearing through all the pages until she got to one near the front. "HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED IT?"

"Mum! Shut up!" Ash hissed, his face turning bright red at his mother loud screams of excitement.

"No! No look Ash! It's so obvious in all of these pictures! Especially this one!" Delia laughed mirthfully, tossing the album at Ash and watching as he fumbled the book, slamming it down on the table quickly.

At his mothers encouraging hand gestures, he looked down at the photo, a small smile appearing on his face. It surprised him that the photo had a whole page dedicated just to it but as he admired every detailed, he understood why.

In the photo, Ash was holding Misty bridal style, a huge goofy grin on his face while Misty looked more extravagant. One of her legs was bend over his arm while the other was straight up in the air, her shoe ending in a point. One arm was slung lazily around Ash's neck while the other held onto Ash's hat that was perched on her head, a huge grin on her face as well.

He'd admit it, he really did fancy Misty. Ha, fancy was an understatement as to how he felt… and he gathered that his very odd mother knew all about that.

"You'd make a marvelous couple." Delia commented, grinning at her son who stood memorized. Shaking his head lightly, Ash gave the photo one more look before smiling sadly at Delia.

"She's all over Rudy. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd forgotten all about me." he whispered quietly, closing the album and picking up the dishes. Delia frowned.

"What are you talking about Ash? How could she forget the boy she traveled with for five years? Five years Ash!" suddenly she tapped her chin, an inquisitive look on her. "How could she forget her first kiss, Mister Ketchum?"

Ash turned bright red as his head turned to stare at his cackling mother. "H-how did you k-know?" he stuttered, his eyes wide.

"Mothers know everything!"

"Not everything…"

"Oh really?" Delia retorted, her eyes narrowing. "Can you all come out please?" she suddenly cried towards the house, watching with delight as Ash frowned before turning to the back door.

Ash's mouth opened in surprise as the door slowly creaked open and out came Gary, followed by Brock then Drew and May, along with Paul, Dawn and lastly… Misty.

"G-guys?" he stumbled before suddenly dropping the dishes on the ground, unaware of Mr. Mime flinging himself forward and catching them. "M-Misty?"

"Well Ash, I think I now idolize your mother. Not only has she managed to scare Paul, yes Paul,for life, but she's also managed to make Drew question his career and sexuality, give both Dawn and May some very clever blackmail, given me some horrible horribleimages, made Brock think about killing Sudowoodo as mercy and…" Gary grinned at a proud Delia and a scared Ash. "…made Misty the happiest girl alive."

"HA! I TOLD YOU SO!" Delia cried out in triumph, patting Ash on the back as the red faced young adult looked at the blushing Misty who was scratching the back of her neck awkwardly.

"R-really?" Ash stammered, watching as Misty turned steadily redder and nodded. Delia beckoned the others to follow her and pushed Ash lightly towards Misty.

"I thought you'd forgotten about me." Ash mumbled, his hands stiffly by his side as he stood in front of the carrot-head.

"How could I ever forget you Ash?" she breathed, nervously stepping closer. Behind the two, everybody watched with intense stares but listened as Gary whispered something to Delia.

"How did you know about their first kiss being with each other?" he hissed. Delia chuckled before shoving the photo album from the table under his nose, pointing to a picture.

"That's how."

Everyone quickly glanced at it, surprised to see that the photo looked like it'd been taken from behind the bushes but still clearly showing the two nervous teens kissing each other.

"Ngawww!" Dawn, May and Brock all cooed, the latter getting weird looks from the other boys.

"Now shut up you lot, I wanna hear what they're saying." Delia snapped, glancing over at her son and his love interest, shocking the group at how un-Delia she was being.

"Well, you seemed to be so interested in Rudy that I just thought, well that you didn't like me anymore." Ash muttered, biting his lip and avoiding Misty's eyes.

"I don't."

Ash's head snapped up and everyone else -minus Paul and Drew who never showed emotion- gasped loudly, only for Delia to slap Gary in the back of the head and tell him to "shut his friends up before she did."

"O-oh…" Ash whispered softly, his voice barely heard. Misty smiled up at him, she wasn't taller than him, not by a long shot but that didn't stop her from stepping forward, assuming what would normally be the male role and sliding a finger under his chin to make him look at her.

"Look at me Ash." she said firmly, sighing when he continued to look at the ground. "Look at me."

"Oooh we need some popcorn!" Delia giggled to the others, watching as they all blanched at her. Delia… giggling… what in the name of Mew was going on!

"Ashton Satoshi Ketchum." Misty snapped. "You look at me right now"

Everyone watched in mild surprise as Ash shook his head, refusing to look up at Misty.

"No." he mumbled, his fingers searching for her wrist before tightening and pulling it away from his chin forcing her to leave her arm hanging by her side. "No Misty. You have nothing more to say to me."

"You're right." she replied before a smirk appeared on her face.

"YOU GO GIRL!" Delia cried, pumping a fist in the air as Misty abruptly threw herself at Ash, flinging her arms around his neck and securing her lips tightly against his. After a long moment of heated kissing and Delia screaming in delight, the two broke apart, resting their foreheads on each other's.

"I don't like you Ash. I love you." Misty giggled, grinning at him.

"I-I love you too Mist." he laughed, still out of breath before hugging her tightly, swinging her around as he did so.

Everyone was watching with joy (except for Paul and Drew who were once again not showing any emotions) as the two finally got together, and none of them saw Delia dragging a camera out of nowhere.

"Smile!" she cried before taking photos of everyone… literally. She laughed maniacally as she took photos of the couple swinging each other around in a hug which had turned to a kiss, the happy and shocked faces of all of their friends as they watched the crazed woman and finally pictures of herself on "the day her son might get laid".

She was as nutty as a fruitcake.

"Oooh I can't wait! I'm finally going to have grandchildren!" Delia cried, taking more and more photos as stars seemed to sparkle in her eyes. She was so excited and energetic that everyone was shocked when she suddenly froze.

"Mum?"

"Delia?"

"Mrs. Ketchum?"

Everyone each called out her name and walked towards her, waving hands in front of her frozen face. It was another shocking surprise though when suddenly she let out a loud scream and sprinted out of the garden, through the house and out onto the lane.

"MUM!" Ash cried, following after her with the others close on his heels.

"I HAVE TO TELL SAM!" she shrieked over her shoulder as she sprinted up the lane towards Professor Oaks lab.

"Your Mums demented Ketchum." Paul muttered from beside the black-haired adult who just gave him a grin.

"Only the best."

Yes, Delia is the ultimate mother of the universe. After writing this, I was wondering if I should actually write this but I thought hell! Its only for a laugh!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed Ash's spontaneous combustion need through out this whole story! Please don't hurt me with horrible horrible flames, actually I don't mind as long as its constructive!

Now seriously... who wouldn't want a Mum like that?