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She's been curled up in the same spot on the sofa in the staff room for the past two hours. Her knees tucked under her chin, her hands tightly grasping the red mug in her hands. She doesn't even know why she came to work. She wasn't working. She wasn't working for the next two days. There was just something oddly comforting about the Emergency Department when she was in distress. After all, she couldn't go home. Home was where it happened.
Duffy's working a night shift. She doesn't mind doing the occasional nights, least she gets a bit of a peace from listening to Charlie snoring (although truth be told, she does miss him greatly in the morning!) She walks into the staff room and is surprised to find Alicia there; the young woman wasn't due at work. She glanced at the clock, just gone four am and she's got another three hours before home. Duffy switches on the kettle.
"Alicia?"
She calls trying to gain the young woman's attention. There's no response. As Duffy steps towards her to break her from her trance, she's all too aware of the glazed, distant look in Alicia's eyes.
She sits down on the sofa beside Alicia and for a minute or so, doesn't do anything. Then she gently places a hand on Alicia's arm. Alicia jumps out of her skin, throws the mug in shock and stares at Duffy, her breathing somewhat erratic and heavy. Duffy frowns, the reaction slightly over the top and she apologises;
"Sorry. Are you okay?"
Alicia nods, moves her gaze away from Duffy and stands up placing some distance between the two of them. She crouches down to retrieve the broken pieces of mug and answers; "you just startled me, that's all."
Duffy watches her, her head tilted, trying to gage what was wrong. Instead she stands up and asks; "Tea or coffee?"
"Coffee please."
Duffy makes two cups of coffee and carried both mugs over to Alicia. She places them on the table and gestures towards the sofa again, "may I?"
"Sure."
Alicia picks up the mug and repositioned herself on the sofa, her knees under her chin again. She feels sick. Her mind can't stop replaying what happened. She's been in the shower for hours, scrubbing her skin raw. The red blotches on her skin haven't gone unnoticed by Duffy. She just isn't sure how to broach the situation. Especially it's what she thinks it is.
"You're not okay, are you?"
It doesn't take a genius to work out. Duffy's great at reading between the lines, it's what makes her a very good nurse. Alicia sighs. If she says anything it means acknowledging. It means saying it out loud and she doesn't want too. Not yet. Not ever. It wasn't rape. She never said no. She never said yes either, but she never said no so it wasn't rape, right?
"What's happened?"
Alicia shakes her head, "nothing, nothing's happened."
Duffy sighs. Pretending nothing happened was the minds greatest protector but it didn't help, not really. Just stopped you from being able to heal and move on eventually. There's a comfortable silence between the two of them before Duffy decides to come out with it. After all, if she doesn't, she'll only spend the remainder of the shift worrying. (Not that she won't stop worrying)
"Has something happened to you?"
Alicia closes her eyes tightly. The nausea in her throat. She thinks she's going to throw up and darts from the sofa, leaving the mug on the table. Duffy closes her own eyes momentarily before following her to the bathroom. As she steps into the ladies' toilet, she can hear Alicia throwing up in the nearest toilet. She knocks on the toilet door and Alicia leans back against the wall, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
"I'm okay." She whispers. As okay when she can be when she doesn't think her life will ever be the same again.
Duffy sighs. It's clear from her behaviour that she's far from fine. There's a pause. Not as comfortable as one would expect a silence to be but not uncomfortable enough to unsettle them both. Alicia just wants all this to go away. To go back six hours. To go back to when she was her. Alicia. Alicia the doctor, the one in control. Not the person she is now. A victim. She doesn't want to be a victim.
She retches violently, and Duffy closes her eyes wishing there was something she could do to help. After what feels like an eternity, Alicia flushes the chain and exits the cubicle, walking to the sinks, all too aware of Duffy watching her closely, ready to bombard her with questions again.
She doesn't want to talk. She's tired, just wants to sleep but every time she closes her eyes, she feels his lips on her skin. She closes her eyes tightly, praying she doesn't start to cry. She reopens her eyes to stare at the hot tap, turning it on and scrubbing her hands. What does she have to do to stop feeling him?
Duffy watches Alicia for a couple of seconds, watches how she repeatedly washes her hands. Gently she steps towards the sinks.
"Alicia, what's happened?" She tries the question again, tries to get her to open up and talk and it doesn't work. Alicia loses her temper big style and shoves Duffy into the wall.
"Nothing! Nothing happened now piss off and leave me alone!"
Duffy closes her eyes as her back collided with the wall (that'll be one hell of a bruise to try and explain!) She is even more certain that something has happened because the outburst was so unlike Alicia.
"Alicia, talk to me?"
Why doesn't she just get the hint she doesn't want to talk? Alicia slowly turns around, her gaze meeting with Duffy's. The tears filling in her eyes, ready to fall. Alicia shakes her head, "I…. I can't."
Duffy nods slowly and steps towards her. Reassuring her that she can do this. She can talk. She can say out loud what happened. Alicia can't hold it in any longer. The tiredness, the hurt, the anger. She bursts into floods of tears. Duffy pulls the younger woman into a hug before Alicia falls to the floor, taking Duffy down with her. She doesn't say anything, and Duffy doesn't prompt her too. Alicia's sobbing into her side as she holds her tightly, trying to gently sooth the younger woman.
"I'm sorry, it's just been a long day." She smiles sadly.
Ten minutes later, they leave the toilets like nothing has happened. Alicia's still adamant that nothing happened but she does apologise for losing her temper and pushing Duffy into the wall. Although Duffy accepts the apology, she knows there's something Alicia's holding back from her. She knows something happened.
a/n: if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.