Warning: Lacks a certain something
Stars don't have to worry about life. All they have to do is sit there and look pretty. They don't need to rescue the galaxy; they don't have friends or family. They don't have to worry about love and hate. War or Peace. Loyalty or Betrayal. Life or Death. They don't have to watch thousands die. They don't have to watch as their wife dies slowly in their arms. They don't go through the torture of finding out that the person that gave you a reason to live was also the person who took it away.
These thoughts flew through Carth Onasi's mind as he sat in the Ebon Hawk's cockpit, staring longingly at the stars. He wished he could be one, then he wouldn't have a care in the galaxy. Letting out a deep sigh he tore his gaze away and buried his head in his hands.
The crew hated him. Ever since his out burst towards Revan (Louise) they had practically disowned him. He was positive that Mission had even once asked if she could kick him out of the airlock. Carth didn't blame her, he deserved it. Revan was nothing but a blithering mess. She had locked herself up in the Cargo hold and hadn't come out for three days. No one had seen her and they were all blaming him for it.
He heard his stomach rumble and Carth clutched it. He hadn't eaten it in two of those days and didn't plan on eating anytime soon.
"You useless bastard. You're not worthy of food. I hope you starve to death." Snarled the voice in his head. His stomach growled in protest and Carth did his best to ignore it.
"Go away pain…just go away…leave me to my own misery" He whispered,
"You're a miserable sod. All you do is make everyone and everything miserable. Look what you've done to Louise! You idiot… you mindless fool how dare you? Just die… die die die"
Carth's fingers were digging in to his arms as his conscience sneered at him… and he enjoyed the pain. At least he felt something. The depressed pilot leaned back and started to close his eyes to drift off to sleep but decided he was unworthy of sleep as well.
Ignoring his hunger and need of sleep, Carth turned his eyes back to the stars.
...
Louise sat in the Cargo hold of the Ebon Hawk sweating profusely, deep in mediation. After a few minutes her eyes snapped open showing her wide violet eyes, filled with horror. Stumbling to her feet, she flung herself towards the door and burst out of it, she quickly sprinted to the main hold and crashed into the room, startling the crew. Her eyes darted around the room, landing on one crewmember at a time before flicking to the next. Everyone frowned at the flustered red head.
"Lou? What's up?" Mission questioned. Louise shook her head.
"Carth? Where is he?" Everyone frowned again.
"Lou...?" Juhani asked stepping forward.
"Where the hell is Carth!" Louise exploded. Juhani opened her mouth again but Canderous intervened.
"Up in the cockpit. Is everything alright?" Louise nodded at the first statement and ran towards the corridor leading to the cockpit. Slamming into the door and beginning to pound on it desperately.
"CARTH! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Behind her she felt the crew sprinting towards her.
"LOUISE! Calm down!" Mission cried, flinging herself towards the older woman. There was a small rustle from the other side of the door and it slid open. Everyone turned their heads to the door and couldn't stop their mouths from falling open at the sight of Carth.
He looked so disastrous. That bright bubbly trademark smile had disappeared. The sparkle in his eye had gone as well, now turned dark and dull making his usual chocolate color a hollow black. They didn't show any emotion just endless nothing. His hair had lost its shine and bounce and now hung limp on his head, bags hung under his eyes, his clothes hung limp on his undernourished body and it looked like he was in pain. It was easy to see he hadn't eaten in days. He looked neglected.
In a normal situation, Carth would raise an eyebrow then glare at everyone until they ran off or in Mission and Louise's case, ran off giggling. But now… he just stared through them, as if they didn't exist.
"Carth…" Louise said reaching out to touch him. With lightning quick reflects, Carth grabbed her elbow and shove her back so she crashed into Juhani.
"Don't touch me…" He whispered, his voice barely audible. Louise bit her lip and felt tears well up in her eyes as she looked at the empty hollow Carth in front of her. A year ago back on Taris, this man had been strong, happy, funny and basically just Carth but now…now he'd changed.
"Well look on the brightside, now you know what he was like after Morgana died!" Louise thought to herself. Her tears dripped slowly down her face and her lips trembled. Looking down, Louise saw a flash of guilt and self-hatred flicker in his eyes, causing her to reach out to him again… but he turned his back on her. Louise closed her eyes, heartbroken and heard the sound of the door click shut and the lock activate.
"Shit!" came Canderous's voice just before Louise broke down.
...
Three Days Later
Grumbling, Louise walked through the streets of Echo city on Mannan, heading towards the Ebon Hawk. She was exhausted, worried and very pissed off.
"Stupid bloody Sith! Always screwing up my day and those asshole fish!" She moaned as she dragged herself up the landing ramp. Louise pulled herself up into the Ebon Hawk and face planted one of the sofas in the room.
"I hate my life." She grumbled into the cushion.
"You bloody damn well better not" a gruff voice mumbled. Louise sat up and glared at the smirking Canderous.
"You're a dick"
"I know!"
"I hate you"
"You love me"
"Shove it up your ass Mandalorian"
"I'd prefer not to."
"Ugh." Louise rolled over and face planted a pillow. "What do you want Canderous?" she grumbled, her voice slightly muffled.
"I have to tell you something" Louise groaned again then beckoned.
"I need to get changed so tell me while I do it." Canderous smirked and followed Louise to her room. He had to admit he was a bit shocked when she slammed the door in his face.
"Tell me now!" She called out as she dragged off her armor and got into her trusty black jeans, combat boots, white long-sleeved shirt and black vest.
"You're a pain" He called to her and she rolled her eyes as she tied her red hair up into a high ponytail.
"Spit it out Canderous"
"Fine. Carth's gone missing" The door burst open and Louise came out, her lightsaber and blaster in one hand, belt and holsters in the other.
"WHAT?" She yelled at him. Her violet eyes wide and full of anger. Canderous grimaced.
"He left about five hours ago and hasn't been back since. Everyone except myself is out looking for him."
"And just why aren't you?" Louise snapped strapping on her belt and holsters.
"Waiting for you." He snarled before promptly turning on his heel. "Hurry up lets go look for him."
Louise nodded in agreement and chased after the Mandalorian, tossing her weapons in their holsters.
As they walked down the ramp, the rest of the crew raced up.
"We can't find him!" Mission cried out looking tearful as she gazed at Louise. Jolee slipped a comforting arm around her shoulders, giving one a squeeze.
"It'll be ok Mish" Juhani whispered as the two Jedi lead the distraught twi'lek into the ship. Zaalbar trailed behind closely. Canderous on the other hand looked a bit torn between following after the girl he thought of like a niece or finding the man who was like his brother. Louise clapped a hand on his shoulder.
"Go on. Take the droids. I'll find Carth and bring him back" Canderous nodded reluctantly then shot up the ramp after the others, dragging the droids with him.
...
Wandering through the streets, Louise was still searching for Carth. She had been at it for hours now and the sun was beginning to set. Grumbling a little bit she made her way to one of the man made beaches in a final attempt to find him. As she walked the sand crunched happily under her boots while she searched for the man. Thankfully the beach was deserted, except for one person, which turned out to be Carth. He sat cross-legged with his hands resting on his thighs, staring out at the sunset as it dipped below the ocean.
Louise was tempted to yell out to him but decided against it. Instead she walked up and sat cross-legged beside him. Reaching out she took his hand. She took it as a good sign when he didn't pull away. Using her other hand she curled his fingers so it looked like they were holding hands.
"I wasn't like this when Morgana died." he whispered, his voice betraying no emotion. She nodded and squeezed his hand.
"Nothing ever goes right for me, ever." Louise shook her head.
"Things only go wrong when you don't care anymore." He glared at her and she had to admit she was a bit scared.
"Are you saying I don't care about Morgana? That I don't care about Dustil? That I don't care about my parents? Or siblings? Or Telos? Or the Republic? Are you saying I don't care about you?"
"No! No Carth I'm not…"
"Then don't you dare say that things go wrong when you don't care anymore!"
"I…" But Louise couldn't get a word in.
"I cared… no… I LOVED Morgana! And guess what she died! I love Dustil so much and look at that! He became my enemy! My parent's and siblings…I loved them so much but shock horror they died! DIED Louise D.I.E.D! Telos…got blown up. The Republic's in shambles. And you…I've hurt you so much Louise. You don't hurt those you love."
He paused for a minute, staring at the sun just as it dipped under the water. He shuddered. "I hate myself Louise, I hate myself so much."
"Don't say that Carth!" He turned to look at her and she saw tears coming out of his eyes.
"Why? I do. I never do anything right. Heck! I even feel in love with the woman who killed my wife!" Louise flinched at that and felt tears tingle in her eyes.
"I'm sorry… Carth, I-I didn't mean to…" Louise trailed off and let go of Carth's hand and let the tears fall freely down her face. Carth saw this and he gave a small cry.
"No! No no! Louise please don't cry!" He begged. He grabbed her hand and forced her to look at him. "What I said was wrong! I-I screwed up again! I'm so so sorry! For everything. I'm sorry…" he closed his eyes and Louise saw tears leaking out of them. "I'm sorry"
"Carth…" He ignored her and got up. Carth let go of her hand and it thumped back into her lap.
"I'm just a failure Louise…and I…your better off without me." He gave her a forced smile. "Good luck with the mission Lou…I-I…" Louise looked up at him, encouraging him to continue. He bit his dry, cracked lip before shaking his head.
"Never mind. See you around Lou" He whispered before turning and walking away from her.
...
Louise ran crying through the streets. Her heart broken. Crashing up onto the Ebon Hawk she broke into hysterics and soon everyone was around her asking questions, hugging her and speaking soothing words to try calm her down.
"Louise what happened?" Jolee asked while he patted the devastated girls back. Louise bit her lip and looked up at everyone before telling them everything. It was an understatement to say everyone was a bit shocked.
"Are you saying Carth's suicidal?" Juhani asked. Louise frowned.
"He never said anything about killing himself…where did you get that from?"
"Well when you told us about what he was thinking the other day, you know how he wants to die, I was just thinking what if he well…"
"Kills himself?" Jolee finished for her. Juhani nodded and Louise erupted into more tears.
"He can't" she whispered, "He can't…" Mission pulled her into a hug and cried with her. Canderous frowned then stomped out of the room and down the ramp.
"CARTH ONASI YOU BASTARD!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Am I really?" came a small voice from the shadows. Canderous leapt out of his skin and turned to look at the man emerging.
"Carth?" He asked. Carth nodded.
"I'm leaving in an hour Canderous. I thought I could at least say goodbye to you." Canderous glared at Carth.
"You dense shit. Have you realized what you've done to Louise? HAVE YOU?"
"She's better off without me" Canderous punched Carth's shoulder.
"YOU DICK! SHE LOVES YOU! SHE'S HEART BROKEN! HOW IS SHE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU?" Carth glared.
"If you're so concerned then why don't YOU comfort her?"
"Because! She chose you Carth! I know you love her too!" Carth flinched and bit his bottom lip.
"I'm a broken man Canderous…she doesn't deserve a person like me!" Canderous was left speechless.
"You're not…"
"I AM CANDEROUS!" Carth thundered. He grabbed the collar of Canderous's shirt and rammed him against the side of the ship. "I AM! I AM A SHELL OF THE MAN I WAS! THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE FOR ME! I HURT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING! I MIGHT AS WELL JUST DIE!"
"CARTH" The two men turned their heads to the new voice and saw Jolee come over. "Put him down" Jolee demanded. Carth reluctantly obliged.
"What do you want?" Carth mumbled as he turned his back and began walking towards the exit. Jolee swore.
"Carth stop." Jolee called. Carth froze but didn't turn.
"What do you want?" He repeated.
"For you to stay. We can make this right Carth!" But he was already shaking his head.
"Nothing can make this right again Jolee, nothing." He turned to look at them. "Good luck" he whispered before turning around and for the second time that day, walked away.
...
Months later
Her heart pounded inside her chest as she and the rest of the crew filed up onto the podium. Mission stood on one side of her, holding her hand while the recently returned to the lightside Bastilla held the other one as she walked in front. Louise was thankful. She was very tearful and everyone had noticed. Behind her were Jolee and Canderous who were whispering words of encouragement and Zaalbar was behind them. Juhani walked by Bastilla.
Scrunching up her eyes to stop the tears, Louise took a deep breath. She wanted… no needed Carth here. He had been a part of this mission and deserved a medal for it as well. Jedi Master Vander and Vrook started handing out the medals and finishing off their speeches. Louise didn't listen, her mind was racing to fast.
They had finished almost as soon as they started and the crew was ushered off the stage and into the temple.
"We will let you out in about a hour. The Masters want to discuss whether or not they will release that you're really Revan" declared Jedi Knight Tobias who escorted them to the room they were to stay in. "You will not be allowed out of this room or temple until someone is sent to get you. There are Jedi posted everywhere so even if you attempt to escape you will be captured" Tobias finished his rant then turned on his snobby little heel and flounced out of the room, locking the door behind him.
Louise huffed and flopped down on the ground, using the wall to lean her back on. Groaning everyone sat down as well.
"Wow. You're all acting like Jolee now? Old buggers!" Surprised the crew looked around the room for the source of the voice but couldn't locate it.
"Really guys? You could take down Baldie but you can't find me?" the voice spoke again. A laugh filled the room. A very familiar laugh. "Look up" Everyone looked up and were shocked to see Carth Onasi appear suddenly on top of one of the rafters. He laughed, his eyes dancing with mirth.
Quietly, Carth jumped down lightly and fell into a crouch before standing up straight. The crew stared at him, mouths hanging open. Louise noticed he was looking so much better. His hair was fluffy brown and had his natural curls bouncing on his forehead, his eyes were warm and looked like melted chocolate, his skin had renewed color and his bright smile was back on his face, lighting up his eyes. He was wearing a black pants that clung and knee-high combat boots that looked to have soft souls. He wore a tight black T-shirt and slung around his hips was a black belt with a few pouches. Down his left thigh and in a black leather holster was a black blaster. Strapped to his other thigh was what looked like the hilt of a vibroblade, black of course. Down by his boot you could see a small shiny black hilt of a vibro knife. Lastly slung around his shoulders was a long black coat with a hood attached.
"Favoring black now are we?" Canderous asked, a grin on his face. Carth chuckled.
"I have my excuses." He replied before stepping forward and hugging the man. "I'm sorry." he whispered in Canderous's ear. Canderous only nodded in reply. Him and Jolee had never told the others about what had happened the day Carth had left. Jolee himself stepped forward.
"Long time no see boy." he snapped before grabbing Carth in a hug that Zaalbar joined. Juhani bounced forward with Mission and hugged him gratefully. Bastilla came forward a bit hesitant but Carth grinned and pulled her into a hug.
"Glad to see you back Bas." He laughed. She giggled with him. After the crew had pulled away and sat down again, Carth turned to Louise.
"Louise I-I…" she just smiled. She was about to get up when loud crashes and shouts came form outside the door. Carth's face paled.
"Shit!" he swore. Quickly, Carth dived forward and moved himself so that he was crouched in front of Louise. He dropped a piece of paper in her lap and kissed her forehead.
Louise frowned and looked up about to question him. She froze though as she watched his face transform from bright and happy to dark and dangerous. He turned only his head, a cruel smirk on his lips, as the door barged open and Tobias and four other Jedi came barging in.
"THERE HE IS!" Tobias screeched pointing at Carth. Carth gave a very dark chuckle then turned around, standing up as he turned, his cloak flying out behind him.
"GET HIM!" Tobias yelled, pulling out his lightsaber. Carth raised an eyebrow as he reached for the vibroblade hilt.
"You want to fight me do you?" Carth asked, his voice making everyone flinch, it sounded hollow of emotion but like he was laughing at the same time. It cut through everyone like blades. Carth let out another dark chuckle then pressed a button on the hilt and a blade shot out of it, making everyone gasp. Reaching up with one hand he flicked the hood of his cloak over his head then suddenly…he was gone. He disappeared. Tobias gave a little girly cry.
"Oh no oh no oh no oh no" He mumbled keeping his lightsaber moving. "LOUISE! Help us!" Louise laughed.
"Like hell I will" There was a laugh from Carth who was somewhere in the room.
"You're not going to win Tobias." Carth purred, "I suggest you move."
Tobias looked about ready to cry but he beaconed the others to follow him as he moved out of the door. There was another laugh then they all saw a streak of black as it flew out. Louise smiled. Tobias was freaked out and he left the room quickly, slamming the door shut after him.
As soon as they left, Louise picked up the paper in her hand. It had three words written clearly on them. Louise smiled as she traced them.
I love you.
...
The waves crashed against the shore as Louise sat on the beach. Legs out in front of her letting the waves tickle her boots. In her hand was the piece of paper Carth had given her. She hadn't let it go since he gave it to her.
Louise jumped when she felt two hands come down on her shoulders. Turning around she spotted no one.
"Carth…cut it out."
Laughing, Carth suddenly appeared and she watched his hood drop down on his back. "Creep." She muttered before turning back to the ocean. Carth sat down beside her in a cross-legged position.
"How long have you been a assassin Carth?" He looked at her surprised before turning his head up to look at the two moons.
"Five years, since Telos" he murmured, watching her nod out of the corner of his eye.
"You're Shadows Knight aren't you." she stated rather than asked, resisting the smile that wanted to appear on her face as Carth laughed. How she'd missed that sound.
"Why yes I am Louise." She faced him.
"You're a very famous person Carth."
"Only to some"
"Ha! Only to millions actually." She gazed at him but he didn't turn to look at her. "Why did you never tell me?" He sighed and looked at his hands.
"Because I never tell my charges who I am." Louise's mouth dropped.
"Your charges?" Carth nodded.
"I was hired by the Republic and Jedi to protect you. That's why we were on the Endar Spire. You, Bastilla and me. Bastilla was attached to you through bond and I was to keep you safe." Louise was shocked.
"So you weren't just tagging along?" Carth shook his head. "Oh…What about when you left?" Carth squeezed his eyes shut.
"I was fired"
"What? Why?"
"Because…" He swallowed and looked at her in the eye "Because they found out I was working for the Sith as well." Louise's mouth dropped open.
"WHAT!" Carth flinched and looked away.
"I was hired to kill you." he whispered. "I had to take the job otherwise they would kill not only me and you but everyone else." Louise looked terrified. Carth glanced at her then looked away. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. "I'm sorry Lou."
"But…but you haven't killed me…" he shook his head.
"During all out sparing I would pull out a little bit of your hair until I had enough to make a clone of you. I killed the clone and sent the Sith its head." Louise's eyes widened.
"That's why you left wasn't it." He nodded.
"As soon as you were apparently dead I had to leave. The Sith would have wondered why I stayed."
"So all that depression stuff…" He gave a grim chuckle.
"Some of it was real, some of it wasn't. I did hate myself, honestly I did for the way I treated you… and on…on the beach, I'm sorry for exploding at you." She smiled and reached out and took his hand, squeezing it. He smiled down at her and squeezed back.
"There's nothing to say sorry about Carth, you did your job. You protected me." He smiled, his eyes lighting up and making Louise's heart throb. Carth opened his mouth, about to say something but he saw a piece of paper fly out of Louise's hand.
"NO!" she cried jumping up to chase after it. Carth got up too, laughing. Finally after chasing it round the beach she caught it and came jogging back to Carth, looking up at him with a goofy smile on her face.
Quietly Carth pulled her into a hug, one hand slipped around her waist while the other went to the back of her head. She sighed blissful and slipped her arms around his waist. Nothing was said as they stood there in each other's embrace. Carth stroked her hair then pulled it out of the high ponytail so it cascaded down her back in a wave of red. She laughed.
"I love you Louise." She smiled up at him then reached up and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
"I love you too Carth." She whispered and a grinning Carth pulled her into a deeper kiss as they stood under the beloved stars.
It sucks doesn't it?