(Pleasure and Pain)
Written by: Lexa (yatenshi@web.de)
Rating: PG Yuki+Shuichi
Disclaimer: yes, I own Gravi, and the moon is made of cheese *rolls her eyes* why do you always ask?!
Summary: Yuki and Shuichi arguing is nothing unusual- until one time Yuki goes one step too far…
Author's Note: One of these stories that simply write by themselves. Inspiration kicked me hard this time, and so I sat down and wrote … until after the half of chapter 1 my mother chased me away from pc. Leading to that I sat writing the rest of it and the first half of chapter 2 until midnight- I simply couldn't stop *sweatdrop*
English isn't my mother tongue, so please show mercy, my style is a little… well, let's say, not fully matured ^^"" tell me anything that's wrong or sounds "un-English", alright?
OOC perhaps, anyway, hope you like it!
~~~Chapter 1- Itaisa~~~
sakendeiru anata no koe ga togireru
yurusarenai watashi no tsumi wa tsuzuku
anata no mune o, anata no ude o, anata no koe o... subete o
itoshii hodo ni kuruoshii hodo ni aishisugita anata o daite
nandomo kowashitsuzuketa...
Your
shouting voice stops
And my unforgivable crime continues
Your heart, your arms, your voice... everything
Until we love each other, until it drives us mad, I hold you who I love too
much
I destroyed over and over again...
Gackt Camui, "Doom's Day"
Tiredly Shuichi dropped onto the couch and closed his eyes.
Behind his temples there throbbed a dull headache, his eyes burning, his whole body aching with exhaustion.
He couldn't take it anymore.
The press appointments, the practicing, the video shootings, the recording, the concerts, than his private life demanding attention… it became too much for him.
He couldn't quite remember when he'd had some moments for himself for the last time.
Of course, stress was nothing new for him, in the music business he had to get used to it, but his private life was also draining much of his energy… Yuki was fighting with the end of his new novel for almost two months now, and during this period he'd been even more irritable than normal, if that was possible at all.
Shuichi couldn't do anything right, was a baka and a moron, completely incompetent in everything he was doing- that was the way Yuki made him feel lately.
He was done, completely burned out, and endlessly tired… so tired…
He needed a break, badly, but he didn't want to ask for one, when things were going so well for Bad Luck, and the other two members enjoyed their work.
"Earth calling Shuichi, hey, wake up already!" he heard Hiro's amused voice as the other man sat down next to him, and opened his eyes.
Hiro's smile disappeared when he saw the look in Shuichi's eyes, so empty and discouraged like he'd never seen them before.
"Are you alright?" he asked worriedly.
"Of course…" the pink-haired singer answered, not wanting to worry his friend or to tell about his problems with Yuki that were tiring him more and more. "I'm just a little tired, that's all."
"Are you sure? Perhaps you should go home and rest a little!"
Shuichi rose from the couch and turned to the guitarist with a not quite genuine smile that never reached his eyes.
"Hey, I told you that I'm alright. We have to finish the video, remember?"
Hiro didn't look convinced; he knew his friend too well to be mislead by this smile.
But Shuichi only shook his head.
"C'mon, let's get through with this, 'right?" With that, he left room, and Hiro, after a last worried look, followed him.
~~
This night, Shuichi felt like he could drop dead right now as he walked up the stairs leading to Yuki's apartment.
Some hours ago he had thought that he couldn't possibly feel more exhausted than he already did, but his trembling hands and the terrible headache told him otherwise.
The day had taken a turn for the worse (if that was even possible) when Sakano-san had complained about the new lyrics he'd spend the last two nights writing, sacrificing his much-needed sleep to satisfy his band members and his manager… and yet the writing was still a battle between what he wanted to express and what he actually _could_ express.
The sleepless nights had deprived him of what little energy he still possessed.
Hiro had agreed with Sakano-san, and a loud argument was the result.
Actually he wanted nothing more than to drop into his bed (or rather onto the couch Yuki still made him sleep on), but when he opened the door he already sensed that fate wouldn't do him this favour.
He found Yuki in the kitchen cooking coffee, and from the angry, annoyed look on his face he could tell that his lover still hadn't finished his novel, meaning that he was even more irritable.
Shuichi renounced his normal genki greeting and was content with a quiet "Hi" and a fleeting kiss on Yukis cheek, trying to be as silent as possible, for loud behaviour only annoyed Yuki, and he didn't want to fight with him now.
Actually, he never wanted to fight with him.
He knew that Yuki wasn't one to show big emotions, and that his insults often carried an affectionate tone, and yet…
… his coldness and indifference to Shuichi's needs and feelings never failed to hurt the youth.
He wanted to be with Yuki, to simply feel close to him, he wanted his love and appreciation so badly, but more often that not his efforts were only rewarded by Yuki's ice-cold manner and the disparaging look in his fascinating, golden eyes.
Sometimes he wondered why he even cared.
Why was he stupid enough to stay with Yuki?
Why did he bear his insults and coldness for the hope of a little warmth?
Why did he always return to him?
The answer war simple: because he loved him.
More than his own life.
Yuki had shown him in his own way how utterly beautiful love can be… and how much it can hurt you.
Heaven and hell, fire and ice, so many confliction emotions and actions… that was Yuki.
Tiredly Shuichi lifted the cup of coffee to his lips, but he almost burned his tongue, and the trembling of his hands had become so violent that the cup dropped to the floor and shattered, leaving a brown stain on the white tile.
Immediately Yuki was on his feet and shouted angrily: "Stupid brat, can't you look out?! Are you even unable to do the simplest things?"
"Sorry, Yuki, I didn't mean…" Shuichi tried, but in vain.
Yuki was far from finished, and it was so easy to just take his frustration and anger out on the one person who wouldn't fight back.
"Why do I even let you stay here? An incompetent singer who writes lyrics worse than any kindergarten child!"
"Please, Yuki, stop it…" Shuichi begged.
He couldn't take it anymore, Yuki's cruel words hurting more than ever.
But the other man was so angry (mostly at himself) that he didn't notice the strange look in Shuichi's eyes.
"Oh, shut up already, your annoying babbling is getting on my nerves! Even this crazy American sniper is more pleasant company than you are!"
This time Shuichi didn't answer, only looking at his lover.
The infuriated writer didn't care.
"The only thing you're good to is in bed, and even there you're nothing more than an annoying child!"
The pink-haired singer stared at Yuki in complete shock, even unable to cry.
Never before he'd said something like this, and never he'd seemed like he was actually meaning what he said as he did now.
"Yuki, cut that out, please! There's no reason for—" but Shuichi didn't manage to finish his last desperate attempt to escape from Yuki's cruel words.
"OH SHUT UP!"
The blond raised his hand and, without warning, slapped him.
Shuichi stumbled back from the force of the impact and, unable to believe what had happened, touched his burning cheek with violently shaking fingers.
He couldn't… wouldn't… believe it.
Yuki, his Yuki… had hit him…
He looked up and incredulously met Yuki's still enraged gaze.
The writer's eyes widened in surprise.
Never before he'd seen this look on Shuichi's face that seemed to unfitting to his young features.
Not his normal insulted wailing, but something far more serious- a look of deep pain, despair, desolation… and most of all, a terrible emptiness.
Yuki was startled out of his rage by this look.
He stared at the younger man whose hand was still caressing the cheek Yuki had hit, and then, much to Yuki's shock, a terrible smile touched Shuichi's pale lips.
"So…" he whispered huskily.
Yuki wished so badly that Shuichi would cry, wail or
do anything that was normal for him, but the singer didn't do him this favour.
His whole body shaking, Shuichi dropped his hand, silently turned and left the
apartment without another word.
Yuki stared after him in shock.
What had happened?
What had he done?
Why had he dared to raise his voice or his hand to the boy he loved because of such a trifling matter?
Because the youth wouldn't struggle.
Because he would take the guilt on himself.
He'd bear it, perhaps run away wailing, but soon return with his normal cheerful behaviour after having cried his eyes out on Hiro's or Ryuichi's shoulder.
It was always that way.
But… perhaps not this time.
Yuki had the sinking feeling that, this time, he'd gone too far.
Itaisa- it's painful
To be finished in part 2. Next chapter: Not caring anymore what happens to him, Shuichi gets into real trouble… will Yuki find him in time before it's too late?