June 1996
"Remus?"
Tonks thought she recognised the blurry face that came into focus as she regained consciousness. While she couldn't remember how she got there, she could tell that she was in a bed, and that everything hurt. She tried to sit up – she didn't want to be in a bed. She wanted to help, to carry on fighting. But it looked like that wouldn't be possible: the exertion took all the breath out of her, and she collapsed back onto the bed.
"Don't try to move," said Remus gently, smiling a little but not with his eyes. "It's all over. We're in St Mungo's."
Then it all came back to her – rushing into the Department of Mysteries, duelling Bellatrix until she couldn't go on any longer, watching Sirius take over and then seeing him tumbling through the veil as she lost consciousness…
"Remus," Tonks said again, feeling sick to her stomach; this time, the sensation was nothing to do with her injuries. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."
"What is?"
"Sirius. I was duelling Bellatrix before him. I'm a trained Auror! I should have been stronger, should have finished her off before she got to him," she said, hearing the distress in her own voice.
Remus placed a hand gently on hers and immediately it calmed her; despite the situation, her heart skipped a beat. "We cannot blame ourselves," he said.
"But I should have done better!"
"Everyone who was in the Department of Mysteries tonight is probably telling themselves the same thing, for one reason or another," Remus sighed, not looking her in the eyes. "I know I am."
"You?! How?" Tonks couldn't contemplate how Remus – the most selfless person she knew – could share any part of the blame.
"I should have stopped him from coming," Remus said, and he sounded agitated; Tonks had never heard him like this before. Remus had always been the one person who could stay calm in any crisis. "He listened to me – more than he listened to anyone else, anyway. I should have tried harder."
Tonks shook her head. "I know you knew him better than me – better than anyone, I expect," she added, and the ghost of a smile appeared on Remus's face. "But I don't think anyone could have stopped Sirius from going after Harry. He'd been cooped up for so long, and his godson was in danger."
Looking her in the eyes this time, Remus gave her a tired smile. He looked older than Tonks had ever seen him. "Thank you. It's human nature to blame ourselves, isn't it?"
"Of course," Tonks said genially, giving his hand a friendly squeeze. "We just have to remember that it was nobody's fault but Bellatrix's."
"Exactly."
Tonks's body flooded with relief: it really wasn't her fault, and Remus – Sirius's best friend – agreed. "Remus… thank you so much for being here," she breathed. "There must be so many other things to sort out, with the Order and everything. Go if you need to."
"No, I said I'd stay until your parents can get here," Remus insisted, and Tonks was relieved – she didn't want him to go anywhere. "And…" he paused. "The most important thing to me is that you are okay."
Tonks felt her heart beating rapidly at these words; she became increasingly aware that their hands were still touching, and her breath caught in her throat. Clearly, she did mean something to him. Their time together over the year came flooding back to her – the smiles and the laughter at the dinner table at Grimmauld Place; the increasingly profound conversations they had when on watch together; the stolen glances and the skipped heartbeats; the realisation that maybe she was starting to have feelings for Remus Lupin; the constant yearning to know whether they were reciprocated…
And then it was unclear who had made the move, but they were both leaning closer – was this really happening? – and their lips were melting together, and finally all of Tonks's wonderings were resolved: he felt the same. The aches throughout her body became distant compared to the feeling of Remus's lips on hers, the gentle scratch of his stubble against her chin, the clash of their tongues as the kiss deepened.
And then it was over.
Remus pulled away and stood up abruptly, as though he had been stung.
"Remus…"
"No," Remus said firmly, sitting back in the chair with his head in his hands.
That one syllable almost stopped Tonks's heart. It made no sense. "What do you mean?" she asked desperately. "I know you have feelings for me too." While she wouldn't have had the confidence to make such a bold claim before, the kiss was her proof.
"It doesn't matter," Remus replied shortly. This confirmation of his feelings was somehow no consolation to Tonks. "That should never have happened. I should never have let that happen."
"Why not? I know what I'm doing; I'm not a child!" Tonks snapped, indignant now. Surely they were jointly responsible.
"For a hundred reasons!" Remus exploded; he looked quite mad with himself. "People like me can't be in relationships. It's too dangerous."
Tonks almost laughed out loud. All of this, just because he was a werewolf? "You think I can't deal with danger? Look at me!" she said, gesturing at their surroundings; this wasn't the first time she had ended up in St Mungo's with duelling injuries, either. "I'm a trained Auror, and a member of the Order!"
It was a while before Remus spoke again, calmer this time. "You can do better than me, Tonks," he said, a hint of sadness visible in his eyes. "Find somebody your own age, somebody who can look after you. Somebody who isn't a danger to you."
"But – "
"I'm going to go and find the Healer, see if she knows when your parents are arriving," Remus said firmly. "You need to rest. Don't upset yourself."
It's a bit late for that, Tonks thought sorely to herself as Remus closed the door softly behind him. Rejection stung, no matter how old you were. When the war began and she had joined the Order, Tonks had vowed to live every day as if it were her last. But how could she live up to that promise if the man she was falling in love with refused to take a chance on her?
A/N: A mini-multichap coming your way! I've had some time on my hands the past couple of weeks and I've spent it re-reading OOTP and HBP. The relationship between Remus and Tonks really hit me and I feel like there's so much more of a story there than what we see in the books, so this is my attempt at exploring some of it. Hope you enjoy :)