Drug
It is a strange relationship, the one you share with Natsu.
Fire mage, blockhead, thorn on your side, rival, friend, annoyance and someone you just couldn't pass up without.
How was it?
Ever since you'd met him, that one day so long ago.
Your natures acted up and before long you were at each other's throats.
In the beginning the annoyance and anger were true. You wore your heart on the sleeve of your most often forgotten shirt. Too close to the surface. Too close to acting up on instinct.
He goaded you so much.
He pissed you.
You pair had to be separated more often than not, a sermon that made your ears burn, the shame press on your shoulders like a heavy and scratchy blanket. And it never ceased to annoy you how Natsu seemed to shrug it off as soon as you were out of earshot.
Yet.
You tended to be together more often than not. Growing up your fights kept going.
Your rivalry pushed you both; work harder, be stronger, be faster. Outsmart the other.
You've been following that old saying Ur told you. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But Natsu wasn't exactly neither, was he?
You knew that Natsu was this strange presence, floating indistinctively between the friend and foe definition.
Also, you've gotten used to him.
That was a realization that hit you like a punch, wasn't it? Like a hand squeezing your throat right after the air whooshed out of your lungs as your solar plexus was hit.
You'd experienced that already. The punch, not the squeeze.
What did the squeeze mean?
Besides you not being able to breathe.
Natsu wasn't at the guild, he was out in a mission and you missed him.
Could it be that you were missing that annoyance, that central point in your life which-
You've been getting closer to Natsu, as of late.
Your fights and arguments, your competitions, your punishments. They were all together.
You, as proclaimed rivals, had been together for most of the days, weeks, months. Years.
Of course that you had to go and seek the refuge of smoking. A remembrance of Ur. A means to be closer to Natsu. No, you didn't realize that. It was too early to face such earth-shattering conclusions.
But you've been in contact, close contact even, with the fire mage.
And at some point, you realize that you need more.
More of Natsu.
More of his silliness, his foolishness, his kindness, his friendship.
You realize that, to you, Natsu is like a drug.
You started small but after a while you got used to what he gave you so you needed more. Slowly increasing dosages to produce that same effect. But, just this is no longer enough.
You realize that you've gotten greedy.
You want more of Natsu, to go beyond friendship, to go deeper.
Would he want that? Allow that? You really can't help but wonder one morning as you stare into your reflection in the bathroom mirror.
You're Gray. You've overcome a lot of bad things – as did many of your guildmates and friends.
Could you dare to try to go beyond what you have?
To finally succumb into the all encroaching need?
A drug isn't just addictive to give you that feeling. It also becomes necessary after a point.
And you need Natsu.
Which is funny because at one point you really just wanted distance – or so you told yourself.
Since when have you gotten into the habit of lying to yourself? In regards to some matters at least.
No, you don't do that. On the contrary, you do think quite a bit about things, like to consider that you are honest to yourself, tell yourself the hard truths. Except in this, it seems.
But once he returns, things are back to normal. The feeling of being bereft disappears like mist under the morning sun.
The punches, slaps, shoves, they are all necessary to you. And you can't help but wonder if the opposite is true too.
Natsu acts the same way towards you. More, he's been busy because he has brought a new member to the guild. That sliver of jealousy is to be pushed down too, right?
But you've noticed Natsu looking at odd times too.
You wouldn't dare to hope, would you?
Maybe it is time to try. You've fallen to the depths of need and have to make a choice.
Should your addiction keep being fueled and, maybe, morph or should you get clean?
That question is still spinning through your mind as you find yourself sitting on the other side of the table to Natsu.
The fire mage is distracted, talking animatedly to Lucy while eating his massive amounts of food.
You also get distracted yourself.
Just the fact of being in his presence is enough for you. The physicality of your interactions is good, closer, but just being beside him is enough for you.
But, you realize, he's staring at you.
A strangely piercing gaze.
Almost as if he knew what's going through your mind.
But it can't be true, can it?
Time has run out, you realize.
So.
What do you choose?
To fall some more or cut it?
What do you want?