A/N: how I long for some angst fic lol.
Please enjoy this fic, and I'm sorry for grammar error, misspelling, or character OOC
Disclaimer: How I wish I own Gintama. But sadly I'm not Gorilla gorilla
If I can't be your first, can I be your second?
Because if someone asked me what makes me fall in love with you, I would say everything. How we first met, how we sparred every time we met, how you become my rock in my darkest time, even if you didn't realized it, whenever I failed, when someone I loved left me, and how you become my best friend in my happy time. Each moment I spent with you, I love it, because I love you just like that.
How your sapphire eyes lit seeing things you love and dimed when you faced with something you hate. Each expression were precious, so free, so beautiful, maybe that's one of the reason you attracted me, seeing that it was hard for me to express myself like that. And talking about attraction, your big, bright smile was never failed to pulled me from this darkness in my heart. And don't forgot your long, bright red hair, so blinding it can even rival the sun. every aspect of you, your skin, your curve craved in my heart. Each time we accidently touched each other always makes my heart beat faster.
At least, even when I'm not the best at expressed myself, especially with words, I tried to describe my feeling for you.
Because that's how deep I love you, Kagura.
And if someone asked you what makes you fall in love with him, you would say everything. How you first met him, how he become your rock in your darkest time, whenever you failed, when someone you loved left you, and how he become your best friend in your happy time. Each moment you spent with him, you love it, because you love him just like that.
How his dead fish eyes soften whenever he looked at your smile, how it harden each time he see someone he loves hurt. How his silver perm hair looked so soft. How- oh come on. Do I have to continue to describe how someone who took you away from me had… well… took you away from me.
But despite how I hate to admitted it, I know the reason why you love him, because just like I describe earlier, in a nutshell, you reason was the same as mine.
Because that's how deep you love him, Kagura.
How I long for the moment when I was your first love just like you were my first. How I long for you to looked at me like how I looked at you. But here I am, fixated at my spot looking at you laughed with him every time you do some silly Yorozuya mission which, just so you know, only makes me curious just because you were there. Looking at you with him, laughing happily with your bright smile like that, how could I come at you, say hi to you, destroyed your happiness, destroyed your precious time with him?
How you long for the moment when you were his first love just like he was your first. How you long for he to looked at you like how you looked at him. But here you are, fixated at your spot looking at him laughed with that Hyakka woman every time they do some silly Yoshiwara errand which only makes you sad, but hey, you think it worth it anyway, because you could look at his happy smile, and nothing matter to you than that. Looking at him with her, laughing happily like that, how could you come at him, say hi to him, destroyed his happiness, destroyed his precious time with her?
Because I kept looking at you who kept looking at him.
And this damned cycle kept spinning until finally Sakata Gintoki officially married Tsukuyo from Yoshiwara. When I looked at your bitter smile congratulate them, when I looked at you cried while they don't see you, I could only thought how stupid you are for kept waiting for a man who won't see you like you see him.
How stupid I was for kept waiting for a woman who won't see me like how I see her.
But just like they said, how people become blind with love.
And just like they said, how first love will never came true.
If I can't be your second, can I be your third?
Because even if some day, some months, some years passed, I knew I can't forget about you.
Because I know you're it for me, you were created for me, just like I was created for you. Can't you see how we belong for each other?
But you choose that man, someone who even if I had to admitted how handsome he is, he was weak, both in physically and mentally.
Can't you see how mismatched you guys were?
I saw how months after your earth father marriage, he came back to your life after years leaving Edo for some treatment. I saw how you smiled back after who know how many years since you last smiled like that. I saw how you started to opened back your heart for prospect of love which, this time, with him.
Do you ever looked at me, just for once? Do you really that sadist for you give your heart completely to someone else and not for me?
Because what makes me different from him? We were both 20 years old, we were both has same 170-ish cm height.
We had different character, what with me being a sadist and he's not. We had different fate, what with me couldn't get your heart and he could.
Maybe that's what makes you fall for him in the first place. If you think about it, maybe you had things with that kind of character. How I loathed you who makes me feel this way toward you. How I loathed you who can't accepted my sadist character, even if you yourself was a sadist.
How I loathed myself who didn't have character just like your type. How I loathed myself for having this feeling toward you.
But I can't loathed you nor myself for having this feeling.
Because that's how deep I love you, Kagura.
I admit he was pretty good, I thought, for even when everything I do to cheer you up failed, just looking at his smiled can effortlessly makes your smile bloomed. For even with every weakness he got, he could makes you trust love back. For even when he finally died because of his illness, he could broke you like that.
So I had to asked you, how could I get your heart? How could I get you to looked at me like you looked at him? Do I have to change my hair to silver perm? Do I have to die too?
Will you finally looked at me then?
So I beg you, because I'm still not ready to change my hair to silver perm. Because I'm still not ready to die. Because I'm still want to continue living like this, continue to love you like this. Please looked at me. Please give me your heart. Please love me.
Because the moment Hisashi Hongo left this world, your heart die with him, and my heart die with you.
"Oi, oi. If people looked at you like that, they will think for the worse. I don't want to handle with another corpse, especially because of broken heart."
When I looked at you sit on the edge of the bridge looking across the river like that on my job, with empty expression like that, and sun set like some afternoon drama I always watched, of course I immediately think for the worse. No matter what, it's been months since his death and you still grieve over it. You didn't smiled like you used to, your eyes didn't lit like it used to. You were feeling numb. You don't have any reason to live anymore.
Because love betrayed you just like that, twice.
But shouldn't it be me? What reason do I have to live if I can't see you happy? Can't see your smile bloomed? Can't see your eyes lit?
But my reason for live is one, and always one, to makes you mine, to makes you happy, because I know I can make you happy, more than your earth father, more than your morning exercise friend.
More than anyone in this whole world.
Look how black my heart, I thought, because truth to be told, more than the sadness I felt for looking at you broken like this because of him, I felt happy because you're finally free from him, and I can finally have another chance to make you mine once more.
Because isn't it time for you to open your eyes that I was here, beside you, patiently waiting for your love, patiently waiting for the moment you finally looked at me like how I looked at you?
"I'm not in the mood, Sadist."
"Why? Is it that month again?"
For a moment, I was stunned. Your eyes lit with anger, with a hint of tears, I don't know if I could looked at something beautiful like that. As always, you never failed to impressed me. Seeing you like this, I could only think that at finally you're back.
Finally you feel something again.
"What do you know?" You're seething. "How it feel when someone you love left you, betrayed you, twice! Oh, but how do you know? Your heart was black, I'm sure you never loved anyone your whole life! So just leave me alone. What I think and what I do were none of your conce-"
Your eyes widened, feeling a pair of lip touch yours, cutting whatever word you want to say. For a moment I thought time stopped, and I'm sure you thought that too. Until after a while you broke the kiss, with such red face you hide your lips with your hand.
"Okita Sougo! Are you nuts?!"
"What do you know? How if feel when someone you love loves another man. How someone you love not bothered to looked at you like that. One times, because just you alone who could make me feel like this. How do you know? Your heart filled with love for another man, not once you looked at prospect that somewhat, somewhere, there's another man who loved you more than they love you. So looked at me, Kagura. Please looked at me like I looked at you this past 4 years, because if you finally give me a chance, I promised I would make you the happiest woman in this whole planet. I will love you like you're supposed to be loved. I will not leave you and always by your side. Please give me this one chance to prove it all to you."
You stunned, and my eyes widened, because I could see it. No matter what I could see your heart from your eyes, remember? How you thought about it. how even for a little, you've started to open your heart again. After some time passed, you smiled and said,
"You sucked at confession, Sadist."
"Oi!"
"But thank you." You smiled. "You know I can't immediately reciprocated your feeling like that, after all it all happened too fast. But if you willing to wait for me, I promised I'll try to think about it. who knows, maybe I could opened my heart again, and maybe…" you blushed hard. "giving one more chance at love, with you."
And when the sun finally set, I know that's the moment when your heart started to open, little by little, for the third chance.
And if I wait long enough, can I finally get your heart?
"Nobume-chan, let's go. My work is done here."
"Yes, Soyo-hime-sama."
If I can't be your third, can I be your fourth?