Talent for Misconception

by anaer

If word on the street is to be believed, then the untimely death of Aerith Gainsborough put a damper on the budding relationship of Cloud and Leon. But just because she's a ghost now doesn't mean she can't fix this. Of course, that's if word on the street is to be believed.

The afterlife, Aerith Gainsborough had found, was a surprisingly peaceful place. Dying so suddenly and unexpectedly had been rather unpleasant – not to mention painful – but when she'd woken up on the other side, she had quickly learned that there were a whole host of perks to her nonexistence. The most obvious of these was easily being reunited with the love of her life. Zack had been bouncing with energy at seeing her, and with logic she couldn't quite connect with, their non-corporeal bodies had somehow managed to embrace in a rather substantial way, and they had gone on to kiss and enjoy other adult activities that Aerith had never realised she would be able to partake of in the afterlife.

The best perk that came from being a ghost, however, was her ability to drift back and forth between the afterlife and the land of the living. It'd taken a while before she'd figured out how to use that particular skill, especially given Zack's overly-complicated and not at all helpful explanation. The day she had finally succeeded, she wound up crossing over in Leon's bathroom while he was in the middle of what appeared to be a rather relaxing bubble bath. When he'd opened his eyes to see her floating there, just hovering about the tub, he'd let out a shriek in a pitch Aerith had never realised he could reach and scrambled for his towel. And then Rinoa had come running, and Aerith had noticed Cloud poking his head over the window sill outside to see what was up, and generally, it had just turned into a really unpleasant situation, especially for Leon, who'd been rather chagrined at the interruption to his bath time and also naked for most of it.

Aerith had gotten a lot better about choosing where she popped in after that.

Despite that small mishap, though, her general consensus was that being a ghost was so much more fun than being alive had been.

"Don't get me wrong: I totally respect your opinion. I'm just saying that it's been really…weird around here since you died, you know," Tifa stated.

Tifa Lockhart was the main proprietor of the 7th Heaven bar, the most popular local hangout spot for vampires, witches, werewolves, and any benevolent or even malevolent spirits – both living and dead – who happened to reside in the area. She herself was a vampire, although you wouldn't know it to look at her right now. The woman was, at the moment, wearing plastic gloves, an apron, and boots, cleaning up the place in preparation for opening in a few hours when the bar would undoubtedly be full to the brim. It'd been pretty convenient for the community at large that she'd already owned it when Cloud had turned her some years back.

"Sephiroth keeps showing up to gloat about how he killed you, mainly to get Cloud pissed off – which obviously always works, he's pretty much Pavlovian where Sephiroth is concerned – which gets Leon irritated, which then puts Rinoa in a bad mood, which is shit for the rest of us because everyone's been turning to her for pretty much everything since you've died. She might be a more powerful witch than you were, but that girl is not half as level-headed. I'm pretty sure Leon's the one making sure shit actually gets done."

The black-haired woman set down the dish she was washing and turned to point at her ghost best friend. "But mainly, I'll have you know I blame you entirely for all the money I've lost so far. I was this close to winning the bet about when Cloud and Leon would finally get together, and then you up and let Mr. Master Vampire eat you for dinner, and suddenly Cloud was all about 'avenging your death' and not at all about banging Leon in that bed I sometimes let him borrow upstairs."

Aerith rested her hands on her crossed legs, leaning forward from where she floated above the bar.

"Wait. They still haven't…? But it's been ages!" she exclaimed through pain-filled voice. "I died months ago! And they were so close when I died. So, so close." The thought that her death had ruined their burgeoning romance brought non-existent tears to her intangible eyes. "Leon was supposed to comfort Cloud in his grief!"

"Well, aside from Cloud going into one of his weird crazy phases again, Leon's been pretty busy, too. Like I said: the whole Rinoa thing. He's still her familiar, so she's still his top priority. He takes the 'benevolent' part of 'benevolent spirit' a little too literally, in my opinion. At least where Rinoa's concerned. Especially given that she continues to refuse to invite Cloud inside her house because she wants 'at least one vampire-free zone'. But word on the street – and I'm talking about Yuffie here, so it's definitely pretty accurate, you know she stalks Cloud most nights to see what he's up to – is that they're actually on for a date tomorrow night. Yuffie bet fifty bucks that they're gonna say goodnight after a pretty hot and heavy make out session, but I've got $200 on them finally going all the way."

Aerith nodded thoughtfully, a grin slowly making its way across her face. "And I intend to make sure you win that money," she announced, clapping her hands together. And then she paused, frowned, and chided, "But not because you're betting on their relationship because that is unethical and wrong. Only because it's been too long! And I invested too much time into their relationship happening while I was alive to let my untimely and rather painful demise be the thing that ruins it."

-xXxXx-

Leon rolled over, nudging Cloud in the side. The giant bat wing he had sticking out of his back twitched a little, but aside from that, the blonde remained unmoved. Leon jabbed him again, harder, this time right under his ribs, and Cloud's whole body jerked, as the vampire jolted awake, only to glare at his bed mate.

"What, Squall?"

"I think we should call tonight off," Leon started without preamble.

"You woke me up at—," Cloud glanced over at the clock that sat on the hotel's bedside table, "two in the afternoon to tell me that," he said flatly. Leon shrugged. Cloud was always grumpy any time he was woken before seven p.m. Leon didn't quite get it, but then he mainly only slept out of boredom rather than any real necessity. This made him prone to wake Cloud up at random and inconvenient times whenever they spent the day together, usually for pointless tripe like this. Tripe that could wait five more hours until the blonde woke naturally at a much more reasonable time of night.

"You got another weird premonition," the irritable vampire didn't quite ask, his voice drier than a desert stuck in a drought.

"Don't knock my premonitions." The rolling feeling in Leon's stomach never lied.

"You've had premonitions the last twenty-three times we've decided to go out together. Which is why, as of now, we have yet to go on a proper date despite 'dating' for months." Cloud didn't have to make the air quotes with his hands for Leon to see the way they caressed the word "dating" in his voice. "I don't care if a meteor hurls itself from space tonight to crush only the restaurant we're going to and nowhere else, we're not cancelling again. I'm going back to sleep." Cloud turned over, facing away from Leon. His wing followed, and slapped the man in the face when he yanked up the covers.

Leon scowled, and shoved the thing away. "Fine. Whatever. But when things go to shit tonight, just remember that I warned you."

Cloud replied with an indistinct grumble that probably translated to something along the lines of "I don't care" as he drifted off.

-xXxXx-

"Aerith, I got this, I swear!" Zack exclaimed, batting away his girlfriend's hands. Aerith shoved him back lightly, bottom lip stuck out in annoyance. The two ghosts were hovering outside a window of the dark mansion that housed Sephiroth on the outskirts of town, barely illuminated by the dying light of the sun. Hollow Bastion wasn't a particularly small town, and was generally friendly to any and all magical creatures, but everyone had an issue with a somewhat off-balanced and generally murderous vampire living in town. The only person who hadn't had an issue with Sephiroth hanging around had been Zack and he was a ghost now and had been so for years, so his vote didn't count any. Thus, Sephiroth had been gifted a lovely abandoned house just outside town, where he was generally content to sit and relax except on nights when he was exceptionally hungry or exceptionally bored and in the mood to piss off Cloud.

"Zack, I need you to take this seriously. You're the only thing that will be keeping Sephiroth from ruining tonight! And I really need this to work out for Cloud. You want Cloud to be happy, right?"

Zack rolled his eyes. "Of course I want Cloud to be happy, Aerith, he's my best friend – he's like my own child!" Zack sniffled a little. "So much time and effort I put into birthing him into the world, I remember when he was but a baby vampire, all murderous and—ow!" he exclaimed, patting his arm where Aerith had smacked him. They might be intangible to everything else on this plane, but they could touch each other, and for that, the ghostly witch was grateful.

"That is not taking this seriously, Zackary Fair! How am I even in love with you?"

"Awww, come on, sweetie. Sweetheart. Love of my afterlife. My precious flower. You know I'm just joking. I got this. I will go in there, talk to Sephiroth, be like 'hey buddy, how's it going, I know I haven't seen you in a while because I'm still bitter about the fact that you murdered my girlfriend – even though I'm very grateful that we're finally reunited in afterlife bliss – and I'm also perturbed that you got me killed, accidentally or not, but the way you've been treating Cloud, my favourite little buddy, my precious vampire son, is absolute a-not-okay!'" Zack exclaimed definitively. He nodded, and punched one fist into his other hand. Aerith, smiled encouragingly despite knowing that he was just getting started. It might be a time waster, but it was definitely faster than the argument that would ensue if she cut in while he was just getting into it. Sudden movement in the dark room through the window caught her attention, and she frowned, tuning him out to focus on it.

"—and then I will distract him for the rest of the night, so he won't have the opportunity to go prowling, so there will be no possible way that he can find out that Cloud is out there right now, ready to make himself a happy life with Leon and provide me with more little vampire gran-babies like Tifa that Cloud can turn and nurture into successful, hopefully more adjusted than he is members of society—"

Aerith caught a glimpse of green eyes and tried to gesture frantically at Zack, telling him to shut up, but he was on a roll and didn't notice.

"—so Sephiroth will never find out that he could be out there ruining Cloud and Leon's first date right now!" he exclaimed with flourish, grinning widely. Aerith groaned, and dropped her face into her hands.

"Cloud's on a date?"

Zack yelped and twisted around, coming face to face with a dastardly smirking Sephiroth, who leaned against the windowsill.

"Thank you for informing me, Zackary, I would hate for him to end up…oh, what's the word? That's right. Happy." And then his piercing green eyes were staring past Zack, and locking onto Aerith's incorporeal body. "Witch," he greeted, fake cordiality dripping through his voice. "You look much better than the last time I saw you. Death is a good look on you, if I do congratulate myself."

Zack darted forward, ready to defend Aerith's honour, but she grabbed his arm first. She just smiled sweetly back and said, "Fuck you, Sephiroth."

Zack gasped, and turned sharply. He had never heard her utter a single curse word before in his admittedly rather long life. And afterlife. And afterlife, take two, if he wanted to get technical with it. "Aerith!" he gaped. And then he turned back to Sephiroth.

"And you! You leave Cloud alone, you hear me? Or I will…I will…I don't know what I'll do, because honestly I'm a ghost which leaves me with very limited options, but the powers I do have can be very annoying and you can't even hit me to stop me anymore, and I will haunt you, I swear! Forever!"

"Oh no, you'll haunt me, whatever shall I do." The sarcasm didn't just drip from the old vampire's tone, it poured out in a torrential flood that threatened to drown Zack where he floated. "Siring you was a mistake that already haunts me forever."

"Aw, c'mon, man, that hurts. Right through the heart with that one! So uncalled for, you know you love me." The long silver-haired vampire rolled his eyes.

"Well, this has been fun, but I have Cloud's life to go ruin. So if you'll excuse me," and then just like that, Sephiroth unfurled his giant wing, took to the sky, and left. Aerith and Zack both stared up after him, Zack pouting and Aerith with a mournful sigh. And then the former witch paused, and turned to him with furrowed brow.

"Hey, why didn't you have one of those wings?"

"Huh," he replied thoughtfully. "That's a really good question."

-xXxXx-

Leon rested the menu down on the table in front of him, having finished perusing it. Cloud's sat to the side, completely untouched, the vampire already knowing what he wanted to order. The restaurant was a small, cosy, hole-in-the-wall kind of place, and Cloud and Leon sat at a table for two tucked into the back corner. A lit candle sat flickering on the table between them, and the lights of the room were dim, ostensibly to create a romantic atmosphere. The lack of other customers, however, was what made it the right fit for their first date night. They hadn't been here long – maybe ten minutes at most – and had sat in companionable silence for the most part, only interrupted by their upbeat waiter swinging by, like he was now. The spikey-haired brunette had probably been stalking them from the other side of the room, given that they were his only table.

"Have you figured out what you'd like to eat?" the kid – Sora, his nametag read – asked entirely too cheerfully, turning first to Leon with his notepad out, ready to take down what they wanted.

"The special," Leon ordered, handing over both menus.

"And you, sir?"

Cloud fixed Sora with that creepy, unblinking, glowing stare he was so fond off, and, in the most blasé way possible, said, "Steak. Rare. Really rare. Barely cooked at all. Bloody, actually. In fact, just hold the meat, and bring me the blood." The kid – Sora, Leon reminded himself – had gotten steadily paler through Cloud's whole order. His hands had loosened to the point where it looked like he was about to drop his order pad, so Leon kicked his boyfriend under the table. Cloud glared at him, but corrected himself.

"I'm kidding. But not about rare."

Sora let out a nervous laugh. "Ah. Right. Kidding, of course. Well, I'll be back with your orders shortly!" And then he took off.

"So," Cloud began. "Nothing terrible's happened."

"Yet," Leon replied easily. "Just wait."

"Your never failing optimism is what I love most about you." Cloud's sarcasm was entirely too palpable – so palpable, in fact, that Leon felt like he could grab it and slap the rather broody vampire in his entirely too pretty face with it.

"I am optimistic that I'm right and this is going to end terribly." Leon paused, and then, leaning back in his seat, he fixed Cloud with a rather curious gaze. "Although I am curious why you're so insistent this happens."

"I'm curious as to why you're so opposed to this happening," Cloud shot back. Leon half shrugged.

"I'm not," he said. "I couldn't care either way."

"That invested in our relationship, I see."

"I'm not the one who insists on keeping a room on hold at the hotel because you don't want Tifa to know about us. I told Rinoa from the beginning."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "First: of course you told Rinoa, you're her familiar, you need her permission to do basically anything." Leon huffed, and crossed his arms, but Cloud ignored the grumbled "I don't need her permission" in favour of continuing. "Second: I'm sure Tifa's been gambling on our relationship with Yuffie for months and I refuse to give either of them the satisfaction."

"That's fair," Leon shrugged. "But given that, I especially don't see the point of us, out, here. We spend enough time together. A date is unnecessary."

"It's not a matter of necessity – it's just what's done. We're dating. We should actually date."

"That's stupid logic."

"How so?"

"Because you've set us up to have a terrible night – something is about to happen, don't argue – for literally no reason at all."

Cloud slammed his fist onto the table. "This will not be a terrible night! We can have one normal date! Nothing is going to go wrong!" he shouted.

And of course, that's when Sephiroth crashed in through the ceiling, brick and stone and plaster raining down with him. Cloud stared at Sephiroth in dumbstruck horror. He glanced back to Leon, who leaned back in his chair, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised in smug vindication.

"Shut up," he said.

"Cloud," Sephiroth greeted haughtily, hoisting his ridiculously long sword above his head.

"Sephiroth," Cloud returned. He jumped to his feet and grabbed his own freakishly large blade, more than ready to fight his arch nemesis. Leon dropped his face into his hands.

"I knew I shouldn't have left the house," he muttered to himself.

And then Sora came barrelling out of the kitchen with boundless enthusiasm, tripping to a stop and sending their food flying everywhere when he saw what was going on. Leon frowned mournfully as he saw his rather delicious looking dinner splatter over both the waiter and the ground.

"Oh god, no, don't fight in the restaurant!" the poor, unfortunate waiter wailed. But it was too late. Cloud launched himself at Sephiroth without a second thought, and the two clashed in what was sure to be an epic battle. Swords clanged back and forth, and debris went flying as they darted around the restaurant, leaving an astronomical trail of destruction through the room. Leon put up a barrier as a table went flying his way, and it crashed and shattered against the magic. Idly, he wished he had brought a book to read because honestly, once Cloud and Sephiroth got going, it took a miracle to make them stop.

Cloud let out a sudden yell, catching Leon's attention, and he looked over just in time to witness Sephiroth impale their young waiter. Sora squeaked as Sephiroth yanked out Masamune, and fell over to the ground.

"Killing people is a dick move!" Cloud shouted.

Sephiroth hmphed, tossing his hair over a shoulder. "I'd've preferred to kill him," he jabbed a finger in Leon's direction, "but unfortunately, that's not easily accomplished." Cloud let out an honest-to-god actual growl, and that was all the sign Leon needed that this had officially gone too far. Although, the waiter currently bleeding out on the floor was also pretty convincing.

"That is enough!" he announced, standing and catching both vampires' attention. Cloud and Sephiroth both halted where they were prepared to launch into fighting again to stare at the officially irritated man. Leon glanced around at the wreckage of the room they were all in, and then back down at Sora's still twitching body, and then back up, with a glare, at Cloud, until he finally landed on Sephiroth. He didn't bother pulling out his own weapon, knowing that it would only add to the chaos. Instead, he pooled magic in his hand and released it, encasing Sephiroth in a block of ice. Unfortunately, it wouldn't kill him, but then, Leon didn't really have anything invested in Sephiroth's death the way Cloud did. Fortunately, even if the silver-haired asshole was covered from head to toe in ice, unable to move, he could still hear.

"I don't care about what your issues are with Cloud," Leon snapped, "But do not ever bother me on a date again." Then he turned to Cloud, and gestured to the room they were in. "And this? Is on you. You were warned. Did you listen? No. And what happened? You got our waiter killed!" Sora let out a little gurgle that was definitely an attempt on his part to say he was still alive, but honestly, Leon didn't care.

"Squall—"

"Don't Squall me." He pointed at Sora. "Fix this." And then he calmly walked out the door. His only regret was that it was a swinging door, and he couldn't slam it behind him.

Cloud stared at the deathly plae Sora, only one word going through his mind. "Shit."

The blonde finally walked out of the restaurant a few minutes later, joining Leon, who, he was surprised to find, had actually waited for him, albeit with arms cross and a rather impressive frown ruining his otherwise pleasant face. And then Leon nodded to the burden in his arms.

"Why are you carrying him?"

Cloud glanced down at Sora. "I couldn't just leave him after turning him."

"You what?"

"He's a vampire now."

"What the hell, Cloud."

"You said fix it. I fixed it." Leon turned away from Cloud, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You know what? I'm done. I'm going home. This is what I get for going along with this. I knew this was a bad idea!"

"Squall—!"

-xXxXx-

"—And then Leon told Cloud not to follow him, and literally said, in actual words, 'This is never happening again!'" Yuffie cried into her drink. Tifa patted the younger vampire's arm consolingly. "They're never gonna even try to go on another date again! And then – and it gets even worse – Cloud followed him anyway, and kept harassing Leon's window until Rinoa cracked it open because Leon really didn't feel like talking to him and sent him – and Sora, who was still kind of dead I think – flying halfway across the city."

Aerith gasped in horror, crying into Zack's ghostly shoulder. "No. Noooo, I ruined it. I ruined them forever, oh god. They'll never be together now!"

"It's okay, love muffin," Zack whispered, choking down a sob himself. "It's not your fault. Sephiroth was always going to be a problem. And it's not your fault that he's a jackass and Leon can't see that Cloud should be forgiven any and all incidents surrounding him. Honestly, I think Leon's the problem here. He's obviously not good enough for Cloud if he can't get past this to try again."

"Shut your lying ghost mouth!" Yuffie exclaimed. "Leon is too good for Cloud! Cloud ruins everything! Every," she sobbed, "single," another sob, "thing. Oh god, this is the worst. I just wanted them to be happy! And maybe make out a little and take off some clothes, I didn't ask for much."

Tifa pulled out four glasses, filling each to the brim with the closest bottle of liquor she could grab.

"Shots in memory of their romance. Doomed before it even began," she said.

Aerith pulled her head out of Zack's shoulder. "Um. You realise we can't drink those, right?"

Tifa pushed one glass in front of Yuffie, and kept the other three for herself. "Obviously. These are mine, in honour of you two." And then she and Yuffie clinked their glasses and threw them back. A moment of silence settled over the room, somber and melancholy. And then Yuffie cleared her throat, and popped a smile back on.

"Oh, hey, so have you guys met Sora yet? Cute kid. And he's got this best friend, Riku…"

End.

A/N: Man, it's been a long time since I last uploaded a Kingdom Hearts fic. The title's taken from an Edger Allen Poe quote, "Stupidity is a talent for misconception."