AN: Hello readers, followers and Whovian fanfic readers alike! The story you are about to read is just a humble one-shot that begins with a modification one aspect of the episode "A Death in Heaven" that I really hated. Maybe it's just me, but I always thought it was incredibly selfish of Danny, who was dying, to accept Clara Oswald's vow that she would never love another man. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, my first (and probably only) Doctor Who fanfic. I know the bar has been set pretty high in this fandom, so I hope I don't let any of you readers down with this one-shot, which begins near the end of the aforementioned Doctor Who episode, "A Death in Heaven."
Clara Oswald briefly looks over her shoulder at the Doctor, while noting that the impossibly old ma…Time Lord at least has the decency to look troubled, and maybe even a little bit ashamed, for letting his companion do what she is about to do to Danny. But Clara doesn't let the Doctor's shame and guilt distract her from doing what she had to do, or from asking the Gallifreyan a simple question. "Just point and think, ya?"
The Doctor turns and walks away, unable to meet his companion's eyes at this this particular moment. "Yes."
Clara stands still for a moment, composing herself before she addresses Danny Pink, her once dead, now not quite dead, soon to be a Cyberman, boyfriend. "I wasn't very good at it. But I did love you."
Danny is almost crying when he replies to Clara's words. "I loved you too."
The Doctor's companion sniffles, and tries to hold back tears. "I'm never going to say that again. To anyone else. Not ever."
The former soldier is crying now, although the tears won't quite fall from his cybernetic eyes, and there is an almost-smile on his lips as he speaks. "I won't. But you have a lot of life to live yet. I won't hold you to that."
Clara sees Danny cast a quick look at the Doctor, who is still looking away from Clara in shame, before the dead soldier faces her again, and the implications of that look feel like they are going to kill the impossible girl in that moment. She suspected before that her boyfriend might be, not just worried about, but jealous of, all of the time that she has spent alone with the Doctor. That Danny Pink believed that she loved, was actually in love with, the mad man in a box. And Danny's look towards the Doctor, and the implication that Clara will end up with the Gallifreyan at some point after his own death, have now confirmed that suspicion in Clara's mind.
At his moment, Clara badly wants to reiterate that she only loves Danny, that she doesn't love the Doctor that way…that she never did. But Clara knows that second statement would be a lie. She knows that she was in love with 11, the silly "young" man in a bow tie. After that man "died" of old age on Trenzalore, and was forced to regenerate, however, things got a lot more complicated. The Doctor got old and grumpy, and somewhat detached from the emotions of others. Although she hated to admit it, Clara knew that if that transformation had not happened, if the Doctor hadn't changed, she probably would have stayed too infatuated with the Doctor to even pay attention to the ex-soldier turned math teacher that she eventually fell in love with.
To make matters worse, she's still not sure she isn't in love with the Doctor as he currently is. True, the current, older model of the Doctor, with his spoon and twisted sense of humor, isn't the same dashing hero in a bowtie that originally met Clara (although Miss Oswald knows that, due to the various times she has helped the Doctor throughout his time stream, that statement isn't entirely accurate). But even though the new, older looking Doctor is snarkier, less empathetic, and less likely to go looking for people to save, or monsters to fight, than his previous incarnation, he is still an avid explorer of time and space, he still tries to save people that he and Clara run across that are in trouble…and he still obviously cared about her, Clara Oswald, his traveling companion through time and space. So even though Clara knows her love for Danny Pink is very real, she isn't sure she can't honestly say, with 100% certainty, that she isn't in love with the impossibly old man from Gallifrey who loves her so much that he was willing to literally go to hell (or the closest thing to it that actually existed) with her in order to save someone that she loved from the jaws of death itself…even after the Doctor's Impossible Girl had betrayed the Time Lord by threatening to throw away the keys to the Tardis.
After all of these thoughts go through Clara's mind in a second, filling the dark haired school teacher with feelings of guilt, sadness, and confusion, the Doctor's companion quickly decides to sidestep the implications of Danny's glance towards the Doctor. She won't lie to the soon to be cyberman, and tell Danny that she has no feelings for the Doctor at all, because they would both know that was a lie, and Clara figured she owed the man who was about to give up his humanity to help save the planet better than that. But that didn't mean she had to acknowledge Danny's assertion that she loved the Doctor either, so the dark-haired woman simply sniffles and asks her boyfriend a question. "Ready?"
Danny seems to respect Clara's choice not make any comments about his gaze towards the Doctor, and the soldier nods. "Yeah."
Clara sobs at the implications of what she is about to do to the man in front of her. That she is about to turn the ex-soldier she fell in love with into a cyberman in order to help the Doctor save the world. "It feels like I'm killing you."
Danny almost smiles at that. "I'm already dead. You're here this time, at least."
Clara, not knowing what to say to that comment either, just nods. "Goodbye, Danny."
Danny once again cries softly without tears. "Goodbye, Clara."
With nothing else left to be said, Clara activates the Doctor's sonic screwdriver, which emits a low whirring sound and a soft blue light even as it activates the emotional inhibitor attached to Danny Pink's new cybernetic body. This action sets in motion a string of events which result in the Doctor and Danny Pink saving the universe from Missy's Cyberman army, and the ex-soldier sacrificing himself, and many other cybermen, in order to do so.
Days pass after Danny Pink chooses to return a little boy he accidentally killed on a battlefield long ago by accident to the land of the living, instead of himself. Then, after Clara reunites that little boy with his parents, with a little help from members of U.N.I.T., who are happy to help one of the Doctor's companions, those days become weeks, which become months. Until finally, without her even realizing it, a year passes for the still grieving Clara Oswald. And what a year it is.
Clara rides out the rest of the school semester after Danny's second, and final, death, and she continues teaching until the terms of her contract with her school district, and commitment to the children in the year she is teaching, are met. But she takes the maximum amount of personal and "sick days" (Clara feels that, if being sick at heart doesn't qualify her for a sick day, it should) off, many of which she spends traveling with the Doctor though time and space, staying as far away from anything that reminds her of Danny Pink as she can. Then, at the end of the school year, Clara resigns from her teaching position, while telling herself that her sabbatical away from being a teacher is only a temporary one that will only last until the impossible girl is finished grieving Danny's death, at which point she will find another school to teach at that doesn't remind her of Danny Pink every time she steps into the building. A school that doesn't contain the office where she first met her dead boyfriend, or the classroom where she and the ex-soldier first agreed to go on a date. And at first, Clara believes this.
But after nine months straight of traveling with the Doctor after she resigns from her teaching position, Clara knows that she was lying to herself before. The impossible girl now knows that she will never be ready to go back to teaching, or even living on planet Earth, full time. The sad fact is, other than her old (probably) repossessed apartment, which she had not visited in all this time, apart from a few trips to get clothes, the last of which was 3 months ago (for her) , when Clara spotted an eviction notice on her apartment door, but didn't care enough to do anything about it other than pack all of her most precious belongings, while leaving all of the things she knew could live without, to take with her on the TARDIS, Clara Oswald has no reason to live in the city, or Earth for that matter, anymore.
Clara's last nine months of traveling with the Doctor have been awkward ones. In truth, Clara had refused to speak to the Doctor for about a week after Danny's death, and asked the alien to stay away from her for that length of time, citing a need to be alone to process her grief. But by the time the Doctor came back a week later, meeting his companion and telling her some lie about finding Gallifrey and saying he would leave her with Danny, who the know-it-all alien was so sure must have come back from the land of the dead by now, Clara had nearly broke down crying, then demanded that the Doctor bring her with him, while confessing that Danny Pink had chosen not to come back to her. Because as much as her feelings for the Doctor made her feel confused, and guilty, and all sorts of other things that Clara couldn't classify, but didn't think she should feel for someone nearly 100X her age, the strange alien was the only person left who Clara felt comfortable being around now, in the midst of her grief and pain. Danny was dead. Clara's parents were long dead. And the two children that Clara used to babysit, and all of the kids with whom she had experienced an adventure with the Doctor, had all moved away or moved on to another class, and were no longer her pupils. There was simply no one else left in Clara's life who could help her with her recent loss, who would have any clue how she was feeling right now…except the Doctor. So Clara hadn't been about to let the Doctor walk out of her life now.
The ironic part was, Clara hadn't spoken a word about Danny Pink to the Doctor after that day. The dark haired woman didn't really think it was appropriate to talk about her grief over the death of a man she had loved with another man who she possibly/maybe/probably loved too even though she really, really shouldn't (as the Doctor's own vocalization that he was not Clara's boyfriend, something he had said soon after regenerating into the grumpy old man, kept reminding the impossible girl as the Timelord's words echoed in her head).
Thankfully, Clara soon found that she didn't have to speak with the Doctor about her grief over Danny's death in order for the Doctor to help her with that grief, as the 2,000 year old man had demonstrated that day in the café when he confessed that he had been lying about finding Gallifrey in order to give Clara and Danny a chance to have a peaceful life together, before the Doctor promptly gave Clara an awkward hug (while making a snarky remark that Clara should not get used to this, since hugging was definitely a one-time deal for him), and told his companion that of course he would take her with him on his next journey. For his part, the Doctor never did ask Clara about how she was feeling about Danny's death, after the fact, or even mention the man's name again.
In fact, the Doctor and Clara barely spoke now when they weren't on an adventure. In between different destinations, the TARDIS was as silent as a tomb, even during meal times, when the Timelord and his companion would eat together in the kitchen area. When the Doctor and Clara did talk, it was to argue about when and where their next destination would be, or to help each other solve a problem during one of their adventures…most of the time. But after Clara's unofficial retirement from the world of teaching, things changed slightly. Every couple of weeks after that, the Doctor would ask Clara when she was planning on going back home, a role reversal if there ever was one, since, before Danny's death, it was the Doctor who was always pestering Clara to go on "just one more adventure", while Clara had to keep begging the Doctor off while insisting she had a home and a life of her own she had to get back to occasionally. Now, that was no longer the case, since the Doctor and the TARDIS where now the closest things that Clara had to a home. Therefore, after Danny's death, Clara's reply to the question of when she wanted to go "home" was always the same: not yet.
Every couple of months, the Doctor would modify his routine somewhat, and ask Clara if there was a reason she didn't want to go home…something she would like to talk with him about. And the impossible girl would always give the Doctor her best fake smile and reply that everything was fine. The Doctor would then reply that was good, since he was rubbish at talking about human emotions anyway, because he usually found them quite pointless, and that would be the end of that line of discussion for another couple of months. But the worried, sad glances that Clara would sometimes catch the Doctor shooting her way made it plain that he knew Clara was far from fine, and it was obvious that the Timelord knew very well that his companion was not doing a good job of dealing with her grief over Danny Pink's death. Even so, the elephant in the room, the specter of Danny Pink which hung over Clara like an everlasting storm cloud, was never discussed. Part of the reason for this was something that Clara Oswald had not yet caught onto: The Doctor blamed himself for the death of Clara's boyfriend.
The reason for the Doctor's guilt was simple. Contrary to the façade that the Doctor put up in front of others, the Gallifreyan wasn't a complete simpleton concerning patterns of interaction with and/or between human beings (although some things, such as why all humans didn't recognize the inherent superiority of ginger hair above every other possible hair color on a humanoid, was beyond him), since he had almost two millennia of experience interacting with Homo-Sapiens to draw upon. Therefore, the Timelord noticed a lot more about humans than he often let on. For example, he knew very well that the time traveling descendant of Clara Oswald that he and his impossible companion had encountered on a previous adventure was/would have been the descendant of Danny Pink as well. The obvious conclusion from that encounter was that Clara and Danny Pink were supposed to have a child together.
But now, Danny Pink had been dead for a year, and Clara Oswald was clearly not pregnant. Which meant that time had somehow been rewritten, and Danny Pink had died before he was supposed to…before he could father a child with Clara. And the Doctor was smart enough to know by now that when the timeline of somebody he associated with got rewritten on such a grand scale, it was usually his fault somehow, as it clearly was now. Oh, the Doctor knew, of course, that Missy had probably orchestrated Danny's premature death in order to lure him and his impossible girl into her trap at 3W, but "The Mistress" had clearly done so in order to get her "friend's" attention. Therefore, the Doctor knew that it was at least partially his fault that Danny Pink was dead…and that Clara Oswald was in terrible emotional pain because of that fact. The Doctor just didn't have any clue was he should do about it. And that hurt the Doctor more than anything he had felt in a long time, including the guilt he had carried for a while over killing his best "friend" (until, of course, time had shown that Missy had survived the Doctor's attempt to kill her).
Because the Doctor knew that, somewhere along the line, he had stupidly allowed himself to fall in love with yet another human being, as he had fallen in love with Rose Tyler and River Song before. But the difference was, for some reason, perhaps because of all of his previous encounters with the impossible girl and her echoes in his timeline, the Doctor had resolved that he would never leave Clara behind. The Doctor's Impossible Girl held a special place in the Doctor's hearts, even though he would never admit that fact aloud for various reasons. And this was the reason that the Doctor could not stand to see Clara in as much terrible pain as she was obviously in.
Perhaps this was the reason that, one night (if such a thing could be said to exist in the TARDIS as it was tumbling through time and space), over a year after Danny Pink's death, when the Doctor was busy with his perpetual repairs of the TARDIS engines, when he heard Clara loudly sobbing in her room in the TARDIS, as she had many times since the events at 3W, mourning both the death of Danny and her happiness, as the dark haired woman continued to fear that she would need to face the universe without love from now on, the Doctor finally decided that he had enough of letting his companion wallow in her misery alone. Fueled by a mixture of guilt, annoyance at Clara's continued refusals to let him help her with her grief, and the need to help the woman he loved far more than he should, the Doctor's common sense temporarily deserted him. Therefore, against his own better judgement, the Time Lord soon found himself barging into his companion's room without even knocking, even as he mentally prepared himself for whatever angry outburst Clara would shoot his direction for violating her human standards of privacy.
But the expected angry outburst never came, and when the Doctor looked at Clara's face to find that she was still openly weeping, and that she wasn't showing any signs of anger at his unexpected presence in her room, the Timelord was at a loss concerning what to do. He had been prepared to meet the Clara he knew in this room. Bossy Clara. Witty Clara. The Clara that got angry when the Doctor did something his companion considered wrong. The Doctor could handle that girl. Could meet every one of her witty barbs with one of his own, any exclamation of anger with cold logic and a tenacity to "work out the problem" until he and his companion could get to the bottom of the impossible girl's grief and help her move past it.
What the Doctor hadn't been prepared for was the openly vulnerable young ('Despite everything she has experienced, she is still so young!' the Doctor reminds himself for the hundredth time since he has met Miss Oswald) woman in front of him, who was still crying her eyes out while looking towards him with a heartbroken, yet still somehow, hopeful expression. As if she somehow expected the Timelord to be able to take away the pain she was feeling that moment, and the misery and loneliness that had been her constant companions for the past year. This Clara isn't a side of his impossible girl that the Doctor is overly familiar with, and he doesn't know exactly how to interact with this aspect of the woman he loves. Therefore, the Doctor words are even less articulate then usual when he finally manages to stammer out words. "Now see here, Clara Oswald….you can't just…keep bawling like this…the TARDIS won't have it! You need to …what's that human expression…pull something together…I don't know, but…you have to do that! Because right now, you are worse than this chronically depressed robot hitchhiker I picked up once and…"
The Doctor stops talking when Clara stops crying just long enough to look at the Doctor in confusion, and the Time Lord is, once again, at a loss about what to say when his words do not elicit either laugher or anger from his Companion.
Finally, with a sigh and shrug, the Doctor finally decides to address the elephant in the room in a serious fashion while a rare tender expression comes across the Gallifreyan's face as he gazes towards Clara with a depth of sincerity and concern that Clara finds equally heartbreaking, confusing, and strangely…comforting, as the Doctor's eyes all but confirm for Clara what she has suspected for a long time…that the Time Lord is just as in love with her as she has realized, over the last year, she is still in love with him. In that moment, before the Doctor speaks again, Clara once more remembers the Doctor's earlier declaration that he was not her boyfriend, but she also remembers the corollary to that statement, which the Doctor made when his impossible girl had replied that she already knew that: "I didn't say it was your mistake." Only in this moment does Clara truly understand what those words meant. The Doctor, even this old, grumpy version of the self-proclaimed "idiot", is in love with her. He just believes that he shouldn't be. That he doesn't have the right to love her like she loves him for some reason. Even so, for the first time in over a year, Clara Oswald is filled with hope. Hope that she won't have to be alone for the rest of her life now that Danny is gone.
The Impossible Girl's thoughts are cut off by the Doctor's words, but only for a brief period of time. "Clara, in all seriousness…I know…" The Doctor gulps. "I know that you haven't been doing so well since…well, since that business with the cybermen. And I just wanted you to know that…if there is anything I can do to help you feel better. I will do it. Just to see you smile again."
At that moment, Clara Oswald allows her first real smile in a year display itself on her features, even as she wipes the tears from her eyes. Then a dangerous glint shows itself in Clara's eyes, and the Doctor knows that he is in trouble as the tell-tale signs of "bossy Clara" returning make themselves known while his impossible girl smirks. "Really? Anything?"
The Doctor gulps nervously, and wonders for the thousandth time how this young woman…this human, can make him feel like an utter fool when she wants to. "Yes."
Clara's widening smirk hides her insecurity well in this moment, for she is secretly terrified of how the Doctor will react to what she is going to do next. But Clara Oswald knows at this moment that it must be done. That it is finally time…no, past time, that she and the Doctor moved on from the events of 3W, and Danny Pink's death. And in Clara's opinion, this is the best way for that to happen. Still, it takes every ounce of the nerve that Clara Oswald possess for the woman not to stutter as she makes her demand. "Kiss me."
Then, all at once, Clara's lips are moving towards the Doctor's, and as always, the Time Lord is powerless to resist Clara's powers of persuasion over him, and his lips automatically react in kind to those of his companion's. And as the kiss between the impossible girl and the Lord of Time deepens, as the mouths of the two individuals in question open automatically to allow each other to explore each other's tongues, despite the hundreds of reasons that the Doctor believes this is a very bad idea, the Gallifreyan can't bring himself to care…especially if this is what it takes to make the woman he loves happy again.
It doesn't take very long after that for things to escalate between the human and the Time Lord, and the members of the unlikely pair soon find themselves in Clara's bed together. Then, over an hour later, when the Impossible Girl and the Oncoming Storm are lying down together in a tangle of sweat, sheets, and limbs, while Clara lays her head on the Doctor's chest, she silently thanks Danny Pink for not holding her to her promise, made to the soldier, moments before his second death, never to love anyone else. Thanks Danny for those six, selfless little words concerning the foolish promise she had made to the cyberman in her moment of guilt and grief: "I won't hold you to that."
Because it is those six little words that allow Clara Oswald to stare up at face of the smiling Time Lord she loves, and say, without guilt, the words she has wanted to say to him since she knew him as the dashing young man with a bow tie. Words that the older, grumpier, but every bit as good man simultaneously says to his dark haired companion. "I love you."
Author's note: What can I say, readers? As I stated earlier, I'm brand new to writing Doctor Who Fanfiction, and I'm also not a native of the U.K., so there are probably several things wrong with both the characterization and the speech of the characters in this one shot, but I hope you enjoyed reading this humble little story anyway. Also I sincerely doubt that I will ever write a sequel to this story, since I have other writing projects I have committed myself to, and I still feel somewhat uncomfortable writing Doctor Who fanfiction. But I still hope you will leave me a review and let me know what you thought of my one shot. I am genuinely curious to hear from my readers, especially avid Whovians, what I did right, and what I did wrong in this story. Every piece of input you could give me would be greatly appreciated!