Just thinking…

Chapter 1

Lisbon (still CBI)

I don't know what to think of him. I'm used to him, but I don't think that's it. I like having him around at work, because I know we won't make a mistake. I hate the fact that he is so smart and perceptive, and the rest of us have to investigate and wage evidence, run background checks only to discover something he already knows. I love my job, but sometimes I feel redundant somehow. And I hate his grin, his big ass grin on his face. But I know he needs us too to keep him human, although I don't believe it works. His inner pain is his excuse to unwillingly compromise my job with every stunt he pulls, but I allow him because we are the best unit within CBI and because he's Jane. I can't imagine having to see your wife's and daughter's dead bodies and living with it every day. Sometimes I'm amazed he even gets out of bed in the morning and I understand his obsession with catching Red John. He is a very strong person…

I hate that he's stubborn, but I love that he is committed, although his shortcuts pisses me off sometimes. He has almost no respect for the law as we see it, and gets me in a lot of trouble, but I like rescuing him in front of the boss. He deserves it and so does all of my team. I know that's why my colleagues respect and trust me, I hope I will never let them down.

I remember every time that everyone of us got hurt, I remember the dreading feeling I got when anyone of them was in trouble, I remember every time Jane went missing. It still hurts and my heart still skips a few beats remembering. I know Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt can take care of themselves, but Jane is prone to trouble. When he pulled his first stunt to close a case he actually hid behind me. One of these days he's bound to get into trouble again, I just hope I can be there for him to save his ass. I hope I can be there for any of them.

Rigsby was practically a child when I started working with him. He followed my every order as if his life depended on it. I kind of liked it around the office, but in the field I needed to know I can count on him. He was a quick study and he toughen up real nice and turned into a dependable man. I'm glad I could see him grow up.

Cho seemed destined to be a cop from the beginning. His past, which few people knew of, hardened him earlier than most people. I like that he doesn't ramble and when he speaks he's always making sense. He respects you or he doesn't, there's no middle way with him and he always acts accordingly.

Van Pelt was the newest addition to the official team and always a breath of fresh air. She was scared of me at first, come to think of it she was scared of me for a long time, but I have to admit I never cut her any slack. She had to learn fast like the others did and she has become a valuable member of the team.

When Jane came to us, he was a wreck. I hated his interference, but I understood his motivation, still the CBI was no place for a victim… that's what I thought at first. He succeeded to become a part of the team only because we were the ones that opened to him, not the other way around. He was just using us to get Red John until he considered us friends. It was a long process but working with the same people day and night in our line of job made the transition from colleagues (or tools as I am convinced he regarded us at the beginning) to friends much easier. Still he didn't open up to us, he only started letting me in when he begun needing companionship. Eventually we started to depend on each other at work and having each other's backs.

It's true what they say, as cops, your colleagues became your family. I like our pizza eating tradition after closing a case, our lunches or dinners together. We are all trying (except Jane) to feel like we have a life outside our job, but our job I our life. Van Pelt and Rigsby broke up because of the job, Cho's girlfriend was hurt because of his job, Jane practically sleeps at the job and I… I seldom hook up with an agent from another service.

But I like things the way they are. I know my team, I depend on my team, they have my back and I'll always have theirs. If only Jane would learn some diplomacy and didn't make things harder than they should be. Damn, my mind always goes back to him. Probably because I didn't figure him out yet. He won't let me, although I'm convinced I'm an open book to him, even though I've gotten better at spotting his lies and maybe I've become a little unpredictable to him. I know he's smarter than all of us and it's OK, because we are a team and I know he thinks the same, even though he doesn't like to show it.

After all this time I don't know how I could adjust to working without him. I know I would miss him, his puppy eyes, and even his stunts. I would definitely our small talk and banter. Actually if I am to be true to myself I think I love him… O crap!