To say that Cass was upset would have been a grave understatement. He was absolutely devastated, his favorite trench coat was destroyed during their last hunt, a vampire pack just outside of O'Fallon MO. Dean kept sneaking small glances at the fallen angel through the rearview mirror of his Impala worrying his lip between his teeth at the saddened look on his best friend's face. His head was smashed against the glass gazing blankly at the rolling scenery. A brown sack of his favorite food, burgers and fries laid untouched next to him.
Dean pulled into the next gas station he saw giving his brother a meaningful look, pushing open the creaking door and stepping out into the cool night. Sam followed him as he took a couple of steps away from the impala and out of Cas' sight before facing his brother. "Dude, what the hell are we supposed to do? He's stinking up Baby with all his sulking". Sam blew out a laugh through his nose, running a hand through his hair with a thoughtful look on his face. "I don't know Dean, I mean I didn't realize that he was so attached to that old coat. What can we do?" Dean rolled his eyes. "He's only been wearing that "old coat" for like 5 years now of course he's attached" Dean said irritability radiating from every pore.
Dean ran a hand through his own short hair in frustration before turning slightly catching sight of a RedBox he paused for a second, eyes locking on an image of a cartoon Bee. Without thought he quickly made he was over to the machine pulling his wallet out in the process.
The two Winchesters climbed into the impala Sam carrying a couple of plastic sacks from the gas station and handing a coffee back to Cas. When Dean fully situated himself into the car he turned in throwing his hand over the seat and starring straight at Cas with an excited expression eyes crinkling up at the corners. Cas turned to face him feeling the intensity of the stare and tilted his head to the side in confusion not understanding the change in emotion. Humanity was becoming an even harder concept to grasp now that he himself was victim to its emotion's and experiences, he was still having issues with personal hygiene and upkeep to the annoyance of the two Winchesters currently taking up the front seat of the impala. "Guess what?" Dean said startling Cas out of his thoughts. "What am I supposed to be guessing?" Cas asked even more confused. Dean rolled his eyes and proceeded to place a thin plastic square into his hands. "What is this?" Cas asked examining the object with curious fingers. Dean reached back and pulled the object away from Cas carefully before opening it up and turning it over for Cas to see. "The Bee Movie" Cas read out loud tracing his finger over the cartoon Bee on the round disk Dean was holding. "what is it?" Cas asked confused eyes transfixed on the disk.
"It's a movie Cas" Dean replied smile growing at the intense interest Cas was displaying. "About Bee's?" Cas asked eyes widening as he flicked his gaze up eyes locking with Dean's and a hopeful looking transforming his expression away form that awful depressed look he had on his face for the duration of the car ride. "Yeah, Cas a movie all about Bee's cool huh?" He asked a warm sensation filling him at Cas' small smile. "Yes, Dean this is indeed cool. Are we going to watch it when we get back to the bunker?" Cas asked squirming a little in his seat at his growing excitement. "That's that plan." Dean replied giving his brother a crooked smile starting the engine and pulling back onto highway glancing at the rearview mirror seeing Cas still tracing the animated Bee with a soft smile on his face.
Dean was setting up the DVD player while Sam was tasked with getting the snacks, popcorn beer and pie not surprisingly, and Cas was just told to sit down and relax. They were in an empty room in the bunker that Dean dubbed the "bachelor pad", so far it had one large couch and one loveseat a coffee table, and a flat screen tv, curtesy of Charlie. Cas was on the big couch facing the TV watching Dean set everything up a giant quilt cocooned around him his human body naturally running cold with the absence of his burning grace. He shivered at the thought, he still wasn't used to the constant ache inside of himself where his grace once was. He glanced to his side getting Dean out of his view and took a couple of grounding breaths. The fall was his fault, he knew that, the only thing that had kept him for ending his life after the fall was Dean and Sam. They had found him and welcomed him into their home, something that Castiel couldn't wrap his head around for the life of him. He didn't deserve to be saved, to be forgiven, he betrayed everyone, he had let the Winchesters down countless times. He buried his head into his arms biting down on the one closest to himself the small jolt of pain helping to ease his internal pain. Humans were believed to be so weak and vulnerable but yet in the presence of the Winchesters he knew that wasn't true. He was weak though, as an angle he was naïve, always reaching too high. He was a failure who brought nothing but pain and destruction. As a human he was useless, couldn't do the simplest of tasks, the first couple of hours he had even urinated on himself, not understanding how the human body functioned and what sensations meant what.
Baby in a trench coat Dean once called him, a very accurate description though he didn't even have his trench coat anymore. Another thing with humanity, he feels more deeply than he ever had before. Somehow, he had grown attached to that ratty old trench coat, he didn't even know that was possible until he had lost it. it was what he had when he had first met Dean Winchester, the righteous man, he had it when he rebelled from heaven. It had somehow become a piece of himself along the way. Logically he knew that it wasn't a big deal, it was just a piece of fabric, but after losing his grace it was something that he had begun to cling to. It was the last piece of himself and like everything else it was gone.
"Cas?" Dean asked approaching the ball on the couch dark hair poking out from the heap of blanket. Cas stilled unhinging his jaw from around his arm a string of saliva falling from his mouth, arm stinging from the sudden release of pressure. He took a couple more calming breaths, willing for himself to pull it together. Dean didn't deserve his lack of control, not after all Cas had done. "Yes?" he replied relieved at how even his voice was. "You okay man?" Dean asked again sounding worried. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?" Cas asked lifting his head up squinting at the brightness of the room while Dean's face come into focus forehead wrinkled in concern. "I got the movie ready." Dean said ignoring Cas' question Sam walking into the room carrying all the movie snacks and drinks dumping them on the coffee table before picking up a beer for himself and plopping down onto the loveseat.
Dean turned towards Sam giving Cas more time to collect himself clapping his hands together and startling the now fallen angel as he plopped down next to him remote in one hand beer in the other. Pressing play he made himself comfortable crossing left ankle over right knee and focusing on the screen. Cas pulled his eyes off the eldest Winchester with some difficulty and turned to the movie. He was excited about it an emotion he had no memory of ever feeling but things like emotions were stronger without grace dulling them down. Angels were worriers after all they weren't meant to feel deeply and freely they were meant to obey and serve. Funny that he was just as much of a 'fuckup', as Dean would say, now as he was as an Angel. He had failed in the mission thinking that he would be able to hold his own. At least do as much as the brothers did. Of course, he was wrong, his broken ribs, battered body and lack of coat was to show for that. He was no help to them, he had actually caused Sam to get hurt a bandage adoring his arm form a bite that was meant for his neck proof enough. He wished that it would have made its mark.
His train of thoughts was interrupted when the trailers ended and the movie started. His raptured quickly turned into confusion morphing into irritation as the seconds ticked by. He started tapping his foot to keep form commenting on all the inaccuracy of the plot. A couple more minutes past and Castiel was certain that he ground at least a millimeter off his teeth. Five more minutes past and he cracked. "Makes no sense that they have male workers given that the worker bees are female, not to mention that they wouldn't have individual parents because the queen been is the so called 'mother bee' mating with the male bees who would be called drone, that in fact don't work." Cas said annoyance radiating off his entire body. He felt Dean tense beside him at his sudden outburst but he was too angry to care foreign human emotion pumping through him making him irrational, an impossible force within him making his cheeks red and the back of his eyes burn in unnecessary tears.
"It's a kid's movie Cas they hardly ever follow logic". Dean commented chuckling a bit. Cas lost it. "SO, PARENTS ARE OKAY WITH THEIR KIDS BEING FED LIES?!" the sudden outburst had both the Winchester pinning him with twin confused/worried stares. "Hey man it's just a movie it's not that big of a deal." Dean said in that infuriating tone he got when talking to hysterical victims reaching out to pat Cass on the shoulder in an attempt to calm him. Cas jerked from the touch shooting to his feet. "NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!" he was over reaching, he was losing control and he couldn't stop it. Emotions he had yet to tame were bursting out of him in waves making him nauseous he could feel his eyes grow wet immediately feeling the shame wash over him. He took a couple of shuddering breaths and turned without a word and fleeing clumsily, making his way to his room trying to choke down the sobs, trying to be quiet as to not humiliate himself further.
He hated being human, hated the emotions the vulnerability but most of all he hated the burden that he had turned into. He slammed his door pacing back and forth pulling his hair hard in an attempt to control himself. He bit down on his arm again feeling the skin break under his teeth. He reeled back with a hiss mad that he couldn't handle that bit of pain after Sam dealt with much more not even a day ago. The emotions wouldn't go away though, they weren't simmering down like the other times he had bitten himself. He was pacing back and forth more violently, desperately trying to pull himself out of the on slot of emotions. He was a screw up, and emotional, weak, pathetic, useless screw up. A burden to Dean, the one who never gave up on him. He should have left him to die the moment he found out he caused the angles to lose their grace. He'd defiantly be better off for it, he spun around on his heels caching himself in his side mirror and paused. His eyes were red rimmed, swollen and blotchy. Tears were flowing freely down his face; his hair was a mess but that wasn't the thing that caught his attention. When he was an angel and he caught his reflection in a mirror his vessels features were always overshadowed by his grace, his wings, something he had once took for granted.
He snarled in anger pulling his arms back and slamming them against the mirror watching the glass shatter. The knot in his chest eased a bit and he did it again and again until there was no glass left in the frame. Slamming his fist against it a couple more times before the knot was completely gone replaced with a cool numbness. He didn't notice the door opening as he slid to his knees hands laying limp at his sides. He didn't startle when he felt arms on his shoulders, didn't respond when he heard his name spoken by the still righteous man.
Dean did not expect the violent scene he walked in on. He was making his way to the ex-angel's room when he heard the banging pulling his gun from his holster and quickly opening the door. He froze when he saw the what was behind that door. He almost turned around to get Sam, he was always better at these types of situations. He resisted the urge and walked towards his best friend, his best friend who was on the floor blood dripping from his hands blood smears on the wall glass scattered across the ground. "Cas?" he asked slowly approaching the slumped figure. When he didn't get a reaction, he got down on his own knees placing his hands on Cas' shoulders saying his name again. When he still didn't get a response, he reached down and took Cas by the chin lifting until he was met with a stormy lifeless blue.
"You know every time I went off and did my own thing the reason that I always avoided you because the mere presence of your soul was enough to stop me. Enough to ground me, bring me back from whatever dark place I got myself into." Cas paused reaching out with his shaky mutilated hand to the front of Dean's shirt balling the fabric up brows scrunched. "Now, now I see nothing. I'll never see the beautiful soul of the righteous man again." He said dropping his hand back down leaving a smear of blood. Dean frowned not used to seeing his friend this broken. He took a couple of deep breathes focusing his thoughts.
Before he got the chance to say anything he hear Cas choke on a sob and stutter out. "i-I can't even see my own grace, my wings, they're all gone." He stopped body trembling in uncontrolled sobs. "I can't even get through a day without these, these stupid emotions clouding everything." He said gesturing towards his tear stricken face. Without thought Dean reached out and cupped his best friends face in his palm surprised when Cas' didn't pull away but instead leaned heavily into him. He was never good with words, with comforting people it was his weakest trait but he knew that he couldn't leave Cas with his own dark bullshit thoughts, so he did what he did best and showed it with action.
Taking both sides of his face into his hands he tilted Cas' face up forcing eye contact. He shook his head when the ex-angel tried to say something and leaned his forehead against the others rubbing gently against his friend's cheeks rubbing away the tears. This wasn't the type of situation that could be fixed with fancy words anyways. Cas hiccupped again a fresh wave of tears building. "shh" Dean said gathering Cas into his hands picking him off the floor and placing him onto the bed.
With a quick "hold on" form the eldest Winchester Dean left the room to find Sam and get supplies to fix Cas up. Cas laid there numb for an unknown amount of time before Dean came back in the room lifting him up until he was propped against the head board then taking tweezers he started picking glass out of his hands spraying them with disinfectant and rapping them up. He did all of this in silence every now and then squeezing Cas' leg when the discomfort was particularly bad. When he was done he stripped Cas out of his clothes only pausing briefly at the bite marks and tucked the grown man into bed. Cas was a bit surprised when Dean didn't just leave but stripped and climbed into bed with him instead. He was even more surprised when Dean pulled him against his chest he opened his mouth to ask about it. "Shut up, it's not like I can just leave you in here alone just go to bed" deciding "not to look a gift horse in the mouth" as Dean would put it he snuggled in taking advantage of the situation and dozed off in minutes. Dean smiled tightly down at him vowing to himself to fix this. He wasn't going to abandon his best friend, one he wished would be more than just his best friend for almost as long as he knew him. He sighed running his fingers through Cas' hair placing a kiss there when he was sure the ex-angel was out.