Forgive me
Hi there. It's just a link to my other fic Witness. It's a dark oneshot about this time Benedictus's thoughts about Black Knights during his death.
Over.
Darkness surrounded me. The shadows were becoming tall around me. No light. But a red area and my sanity which left. Around me, my world fell down. The Death came closer to me.
For a long time, I've never thought about my death. I thought it wouldn't happen to me. Or at least, it wouldn't happen by this way. But now, I faced it, crying in pain, disgusted, and especially scared.
Before, I've always been a young boy uncaring and malicious. Of course, I've never been like that since always. I was always said as a young and nice boy who would grow up and would have a beautiful life with a wife and children. Really typical, I would say. I just played in my town, in my country and I didn't care for anything which would happen to me.
But one day, a man came to get me. His name was Georgius and he was from an organization named Index. A magical organization. And he confessed to me a very terrible new: my father died.
I knew a lot of people but there is very few who I looked up to. My father was part of them. I didn't know how everything happens afterward. But I think it's like that I began to change.
The man smiled to me and brought me to this organization, in Vatican, with my sister. I didn't know what would happen to me but I followed him. What does it matter? If I was alone, it would be useless. And Georgius was a good friend of my father. When we arrived, he placed us under a man's care. It would be my foster father. At the beginning, I hated him. I had the feeling he would replace my father. But later, when he explained to me it wasn't his attention, I began to feel a change of heart. I didn't know why. But I was growing up to respect him particularly. But he was the only one.
I met others people when I've been assigned to the Punishment squad, a special team from index. These members were great fighters. But it wasn't enough to me. To be honest, I didn't know why but I felt that despite they did dangerous things, they were nothing but just…I didn't know why. They were human. And just that made me feel some hatred to them. Or just contempt. I didn't know why but I guessed it was because of my father. I know it's a bit unfair and not very understandable, but it was how I felt.
Sebastianus and Elaine, I didn't talk to them. The former thought every people must have a reason for living and believed in very fiercely. How pathetic and sensitive. My opinions were different. To me, humans were just here to be sacrificed for just something. And the ones who were special, as I was, with my great power, would live. If I knew it…he would probably kill himself. And I would like to see it when it will come. Even if sometimes, I regretted it a bit.
Elaine…Hm. She is just like Sebastianus, but a lot more aggressive and a lot more brutal. I found her annoying and boring, although she was a very beautiful woman. However, I found her a bit interesting. Indeed, she thought heretics as she called were hateful and sinned. It looked like my way for thinking. But it wasn't enough to make me liking her. She wouldn't understand me and it was perfect. Nobody can understand me.
Georgius, who was our leader, was a bit different. I know he was part of my family line so he wasn't as stupid as humans were. He was cursed and had a pain inside which was hidden by great smiles and compassion. Weirdly, it interested me. However…he was weak. Just a weak man without interest. He hesitated in Liselotte's battle, and I just didn't understand it. Right now, I understand it. He felt guilty because his comrades would die. Actually, somehow or other he was the worst. It would catch him and I know it. He wouldn't survive to it and if so, he wouldn't survive to his guiltiness.
Samson…He was just a weak human but unlike Georgius, he recognized it. He knew that he wasn't strong and he wasn't perfect. However, I wondered how he could to go on. If I knew I wasn't perfect myself…I would probably kill myself. Samson was a good person, I must admit. He cared for everyone including me. I didn't understand. We was too opposite. How could he have affections to me? But it was real. He just found me too arrogant. He told me so but unlike the others, who avoided me as I did to them, he hoped I would change. He knew I had some qualities despite my cynical nature and he hoped I would show them. I suppose that's how humans did.
Maybe I had some qualities but I didn't know which ones. I was perfect. Or…at least perfect but one thing bothered me.
My sister Scholastica. She was as I was, assigned to this team. However, there were a lot of things she couldn't do by herself. She was very smart but childish. She had a personality which could be normal to people like her, but I couldn't understand it. Or I refused to understand it. For example, she thought some cranes of paper would accomplish her wish. I thought I would find her annoying and stupid but…it wasn't the case.
I had some feelings to her. I was unexpected. Two siblings, very opposite to each other…How could I have some feelings to her? I supposed it was just instinctive but I thought it was something else. I had somehow or other affection to her. And love. And I regretted it. Scholastica unlike me could have many friends she wanted if she wasn't a hologram which couldn't talk.
I refused to show my affection to her for many reasons. People would think it as cute or even ironic. But I think the main reason is because if I showed it to her…I would probably never let her go away from me. She was too precious to me. Once, Misao told she liked Scholastica and she was a dear friend to her. A fool. I loved her a lot more she could. How many times I struggled with myself to not confess these feelings and saying her "I love you". How many times I struggled with myself to not take her in my arms and hugging her tightly…I don't count anymore.
And right now…I lost her. My God what I've done? How can I…I suppose these negative feelings toward people and the fact I was nothing but an asshole appeared…under tentacles's forms…And they attacked my sister. My gosh…I wanted to stop them but they did some painful and horrible things to my Scholastica. They…I did the thing I would never do to her. Just under my eyes, I raped her. Maybe if it had been another person, I wouldn't care of it and I think I would enjoy it too. But…Scholastica…I raped her and just afterward, I eased her sufferings with a very brutal manner.
And right now…My sister was gone…as well as my reason. The fact I actually did such a thing to my most loved person…I couldn't bear it. And now…I understood I wasn't a perfect person. I understood now my mistakes and how much my actions were horrible. I was actually an asshole and I actually knew that the person I hated the most in my life…it was I.
Scholastica, please. Forgive me.
Forgive me. Please. Even if I knew that I wasn't the best brother ever and you thought I contempt you…You're wronged about it. I love you! I don't think I could forgive myself but I couldn't live without you. Never…So. If I ever revived…please forgive me. I swear I would protect you and I would be a better person. I would stay with you…And that time I would confess my feelings to you.
Scholastica…
Forgive me.