Welcome to my first attempt at a Redwall story. I know it's quite OOC, but I hope it's funny. I had a blast writing it. It will most likely remain a one-shot unless I magically get more ideas for it. If the formatting is funny, sorry; my computer has been less than cooperative to FanFiction and me lately.
Summary: Russano the Wise never knew being a Badger Lord involved so much paperwork. After discovering most of it is Sue-related, he calls in a few favors and creates a new approach…
Disclaimer: I did not, do not, and will never own any aspect of Redwall, including locations, characters, and the general idea of it.
It was a rainy day at Salamandastron. Russano the Wise was calmly pounding away at a new sword for one of his hares. He preferred to make kitchen pots and the like- useful things, he called them- but it just doesn't seem lordly to make kitchen pots. So the particular day our story starts, Russano was making a sword.
A young hare, newly incorporated into the Long Patrol, timidly came into the forge room. "Lord, I have some papers for you…" (The hare talked very normally for a hare, because he was scared, and the author's not fluent in Hare.) The hare quickly plopped the hefty stack of papers onto the floor of the forge and then fled.
A frown creased Russano's brow, and he took the newly finished sword and cooled it off in a bucket of water. Leaving it there, he bent over and picked up the papers, and then shuffled through them.
Suddenly, for a Badger Lord without the Bloodwrath, Russano was very mad. "You're KIDDING me! WHEN will these blasted Sues just leave already! Have them go and infect Noonvale or Sampetra with their daises and smiles and sickening happiness. Anything to stop them from filing all these petitions for help!"
Then a smile crept onto his lips. "Maybe it's time for a new approach…"
A large platform/stage is in the middle of Mossflower. There is a wall at the back of it, and at half of the left and right sides. Set against the wall is a chair, raised slightly higher than the stage. On either side of the raised chair there are three chairs, for a total of six chairs. (Seven is you count the judge's chair.) Rows of bleachers face the stage- the bleachers are crowded with a wide range of fauna, from hares to mice to otters to rats to stoats and everything in between. There is even a tiny wildcat kit. (Remember him for later.) Everyone is chattering excitedly.
An invisible announcer bellowed, and all the talking died off. "Welcome to Just (Mary) Sue Me, the show where justice is handed out to Sues!" Cheers erupted.
The Announcer went on. "Six jury members with various qualifications and a wise judge will decide how to deal with a Sue. Some Sues are redeemable- they will go to our secret rehab center."
"Most other Sues are just beyond help. Our only choice then is either stuff them into a plot hole, or to watch them be destroyed!"
"That's two choices," someone yelled from the audience.
Announcer sounded flustered. "I'm just reading what the author tells me to. Let's introduce the judges!"
"First, there is Laterose of Noonvale! Often turned into a Sue in fan fictions, she has years of experience spotting them."
"You make me sound old…" Rose muttered.
"Next, there is Gonff, Prince of Mousethieves! He has no real experience with Sues, but the author has always had a fondness for him."
Gonff stood up and cleared his throat.
"Oh, Sues and Stus, how dreadful they are!
Their goodness just goes to far.
With their weapons so big,
And their pasts so tragic,
They look so good,
And some work magic!"
The audience clapped, and Gonff smiled, saying "Thanks, mateys!"
"Completing this side of the panel is none other than Folgrim the otter! He's our recycler."
Folgrim smiled, showing off his teeth. "Sues aren't good. Too sweet. I had one once and got about ten root canals."
The Announcer laughed half-heartedly. "Moving on, there is Romsca. Being a reformed vermin herself, she can determine reformed or regular villian/vermin Sues. Plus, the author loves female vermin."
Romsca nodded to the audience. "Hello."
"Next, Badrang the Tyrant! Clever and wily, he will be great for helping to decide the Sue's fate!"
Badrang nodded, then went back to glaring at the next jury member.
"And last but not least-"
"I think he's least," muttered Badrang.
"Ignoring Badrang, last but not least is Felldoh! He is experienced at spotting the Vengful! Sues."
Felldoh was glaring at Badrang. "Do I have to sit next to him? I mean, he had me killed!"
"You beat me with a javelin," snarled Badrang. "Was I supposed to give you daises?"
"No, I'm allergic to daises."
"Moving on!" the Announced said, panicked. "Remember, the enemy is not your fellow juror, but the Sues!"
"Introducing our two co-hosts, the famous Martin the Warrior and Tsarmina of Kotir!"
Martin and Tsarmina strode onto stage, Martin from the right side and Tsarmina from the left. They waved at the crowd and then noticed each other."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" shrieked Tsarmina.
Martin looked at her, eyes narrowing. "So we meet again, cat. I haven't forgotton how you broke my sword and injured me so I forgot most of my life.
Tsarmina did not look happy. "Those are trivial! Me taking your memory made you forget about Rose, so you were actually happy for some of your days. And because I broke your sword, Boar the Fighter made you one that was much cooler. But you killed me!"
"Am I that forgettable?" Rose asked herself.
"I didn't kill you, you went backwards into water and drowned. Didn't your father ever get you swimming classes? And you pretty much killed me, too, but I refused to die. Warrior spirit and all."
Tsarmina crossed her arms. "I refuse to work with my archenemy."
Martin did the same. "I agree with the cat for once."
Badrang stood up from his chair. "Wait, what about me? Aren't I your archenemy Martin? After all, I held you as a slave, and killed Rose."
"You have a point, but you were a lot easier to kill then Tsarmina."
Badrang sat down, an ugly look on his face.
"I'm sorry, Martin, Tsarmina, but we're keeping you both. You both bring in viewers. Redwallers would much rather watch a show where Martin hosts than the history of their Abbey library. And Tsarmina has a lot of family watching- Verdauga Green-eyes, King Mortspear, Ungatt Trunn, and their various hoards and spiders."
"Is Homyl watching?" Tsarmina asked suddenly.
"Homyl?"
"He's this really nice wildcat I met at my psychologist. He says I'm cute and endearing."
"No wonder he's seeing a psychologist," Martin said.
Tsarmina narrowed her eyes. "Behind the stage, ten minutes after the show, mouse. We'll settle this matter Homyl's honor then."
"Now, no fighting among the cast. This clearing is very expensive to rent, and we wouldn't want to get it blood-soaked," the announcer, well, announced.
"I can pay the damage fees," Martin said hopefully.
"Sorry, Martin, but no can do. Anyway, it's time to introduce the judge!"
A spotlight illuminated the back of the court set up, showing a small door. The audience clapped.
"Known as the first of the modern Badger Lords, he defeated Ungatt Trunn and turned Salamandastron into the mountain it is today. Introducing Judge Lord Brocktree!"
Instead of a badger, a hare trotted out. "Hello, chaps. I'm Dotti, assistant to the good judge. I'm sorry to report my sah, Lord Brocktree, refuses to come out on the bally set. He thinks he look ridiculous, wot!"
A gruff voice came from offstage. "I don't think, I know!"
Dotti turned around and spoke to the door. "Sah, would it help if I sang? If I blinkin' confounded everyone with the beauty of my voice, maybe they wouldn't notice your…err…problem."
"No, no singing," came the rushed reply. Then there was a sigh. "I guess I'll come out…"
The door opened, and Lord Brocktree stepped out. He was still strongly built, and still had a stripe down his head. But now he was wearing a large, black dress.
A small giggle ran through the audience. Someone had enough nerve to yell, "Brocktree's gone to the drag side!"
The Badger Lord scowled and scanned the audience. "I didn't mean to wear a dress! I was told I needed to wear black robes, but nothing fit me. So I had to borrow Bella's dress."
Martin and Tsarmina had taken over the announcer's job.
"Don't worry, Brocktree," Martin said.
"The fact that you're here is all that counts," Tsarmina added.
"Just sit down, and no one will see the dress," Martin said encouragingly.
"By the way, it's very lovely," Tsarmina said. "I have one like it. Homyl says I look beautiful in it."
Redwall Abbey, Great Hall Abbeybeasts young and old are seated around the very new TV on the wall, eating candied chestnuts and slices of pie and drinking strawberry fizz.
Bella reached for a sheet of paper and wrote herself a note. "Reminder to self- once Grandfather gives you back the dress, burn it."
Back at the set of the show-
Lord Brocktree had finally calmed down. After Tsarmina's remark, he had gone a Bloodwrath rampage. The courtroom set looked very used now, and the audience was noticeably more respectful.
"Now that the judge, jury, and hosts are here, we are missing only one element," Tsarmina said. She paused dramatically.
Martin interrupted her pause. "The Sue!"
Tsarmina glared at him. "You ruined the drama!"
"Did not!" He retorted.
"Did too!"
While the two squabbled, a beautiful squirrel maid entered the set. Her fur was long and lustrous, her tail fluffy and perfectly curled. Her fur shone a beautiful golden-copper color. Her eyes were large and innocent, and had a faraway quality to them. They were deep purple, glimmering with silver. Her face seemed kind and wise and serene beyond belief.
She was tall and graceful, her paws not making a sound as she walked. She was garbed in a flowing blue tunic embroidered with crimson along the edges. A belt of black circled her slim waist- a dagger with a golden handle encrusted with rubies, emeralds, and diamonds was pushed through it. The hilt of some other weapon poked through as well.
She just oozed happiness and peace and good intentions. The sun seemed brighter, the flowers more colorful, the air sweeter.
"Hello, do I hear goodbeasts fighting?" she said in her musical, clear, voice. It sounded like bells and unheard things- the music of sunsets, the whisper of things growing in the spring.
Martin and Tsarmina stopped in mid fight and stared at the Sue.
She smiled- it made everyone's hearts melt, and warmed their souls.
Then, an otter disturbed the setting. "Amateur mistake, sorry!" he yelled. He leaped on stage, and tackled the Sue.
"Help!" she screamed in her lovely voice.
The otter faltered for a second, but his hand still reached for his belt. There, a spray can was snuggled against his hip. He pulled it out, and with one smooth movement, sprayed the Sue down.
The change was immediate. The Sue was still beautiful, but her aura was gone. No one felt compelled to help her, to follow her every whim.
The otter put the can down and confiscated the jeweled dagger, and the other weapon, which turned out to be a ten-foot silver sword; then he tied the Sue to a convenient nearby pole. "Sorry!" he called out again. "One of our mateys is new to this, and he forgot to hose her down. She went quietly, and then when he got closer to the set, dazzled him. Poor fellow will have to rest a week before he can form a coherent sentence."
The Sue crumpled down to the ground, placing a delicate hand on her head. "O woe! To be captured and imprisoned by savage creatures that are jealous of my beauty and wisdom!" She closed her eyes, but peeped out from under one long black eyelash to see if anyone was going to help her.
No one did.
Martin cleared his throat. "Err, obviously there are some glitches in the show, but they'll be fixed soon. Obviously, we need to give the Sue-wrangler otters more training."
Tsarmina smiled, showing her teeth. "We have the last component- the Sue!"
"You know, you shouldn't smile like that, Tsary," Gonff said from his seat. "It makes you look like a vampire."
The wildcat turned slowly to him. "No one calls me Tsary but Homyl," she said, her voice dangerously calm.
Luckily for Gonff, the Sue started bawling her eyes out. All eyes turned to her, and the show went on.
Lord Brocktree squinted at the script concealed on his desk, glad the attention was off of him and his dress. "Squirrel maid, please tell us your history. We think you are no good right now, but we'll see if you can change our opinion."
The Sue immediately stopped crying and launched into her long, tragic narrative.
"My name is Gemstone Sparkle Riverclear Lidean Yu'hasprt Tirvle the Sunfurred. My parents were Ruby and Obsidian Sparkle. I was born a stormy day- I can remember the lightning."
"My birthing left my mother, my gentle mother, very weak. When the vermin came, she could not help my father. He killed all the vermin, but his wounds were too much. My mother died from her heartbreak."
"Some memory you got there," Romsca said to no one in particular.
"I was taken in by an elderly, kind mouse. She had been out collecting nuts and had seen my parents die. She was named Riverclear. She called me darling, and I grew up with her."
"One day, she was shoved into the river we lived near by a vermin. He lost his footing and fell in too. I found their bodies and sobbed. I took the name Riverclear, and found a family of hedgehogs to live with- the Lideans. While I was out gathering mushrooms one day, the cave we lived in collapsed and they all died. I took the name Lidean, sobbed, and moved on." She wiped a tear. "I just felt so guilty!"
"Yu'hasprt was the name of the squirrel seer I fell in love with. He was tall, deadly with a sword, and black-furred. He was killed when a stoat fell in love with me and tried to take me with force. The stoat died, but gave my Yu a deathblow. His last words were to share the vision he had of my brother, and that I would fall in love again in the south. He helped me so much, but I still caused the death of him." More tears followed.
"Let me guess, her brother's name was Tirvle and he died too," someone from the audience said scornfully.
Gemstone nodded, tears dripping down her face. "He was so brave and noble! He had been ripped from my parents by a slaver, but escaped and burned the fortress down. We recognized each other instantly. He told me about our family, and I took the name Gemstone Sparkle as my own- my true name, which would have been my birth name. He died saving Felldoh's life," she finished.
"WHAT?" Felldoh yelled, leaping from his seat. "I never knew a squirrel named Tirvle, let alone had my life saved by him."
Gemstone shook her head. "You wouldn't remember- you were but a babe. He held up a tree you were trapped under, but the exertion killed him."
Felldoh rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, muttering.
"So, I have wandered down into the south, seeking my true love…you, Felldoh," she said dramatically. "The babe my brother died saving will be my soul mate."
Felldoh made a gurgling sound that might have been him choking on the absurdity of it all.
Tsarmina cringed. "And I thought Homyl and I had an age difference…"
"How big?" Romsca asked, curious. "I've had me eye on that youngin' Veil, but I need to know what's proper."
Tsarmina then noticed the briefly mentioned tiny wildcat kit in the audience. "Homyl!" she said delightedly. "You came!"
She noticed the several odd looks people- err, beasts- where giving her. "What?" she exclaimed. "He's a dwarf wildcat! The age difference is only about two years!"
Gemstone suddenly recovered from her tears, stood up, and started singing;
Felldoh, my love,
We are like doves,
Flying o'er the sea,
In peace and harmony-
Nothing can stop us
As we fly-
No one can bind us,
Even when we die.
Tragedy was yours and mine,
But let's put the pain behind,
And make our days happy.
Gemstone could really sing well, but Felldoh was too horror-stricken to notice.
Martin noticed the squirrel's predicament. "Let's vote," he suggested.
"That's my line," Tsarmina growled. She was distracted, though, by Homyl, who blew her a kiss. She giggled.
Ah, young, insane wildcat love.
The jurors started discussing Gemstone's fate.
"She obviously can sing well," Rose said, upset someone had a better voice than her. "And she had a strong aura."
"Plot holes," Gonff said simply.
"Beautiful, unusual looks, and her clothes refuse to get dirty," Folgrim said, and then grimaced. "Remember, I'm not eating her. I have my body to worry about- I'm on a diet."
"Tragic, romanticized past," Romsca said. "Much too tragic, aye?"
"Jeweled and huge weapons," Badrang said. He then looked at Felldoh next to him, smirking.
"Strong, unlikely a-a-association with a c-c-canon character," Felldoh stuttered.
"So we all agree, she is a lost cause?" Lord Brocktree queried.
There were nods all around.
"I propose we stick her with a sword dipped in Anti-Sue potion," proposed Badrang.
More nods.
Lord Brocktree banged his massive fist, wondering how he had been roped into this in the first place. I blame Boar for making us join the Mossflower Badger Honor League for 'father-son bonding', he thought darkly. "Judgment has been passed! The Sue is unredeemable, and she must be passed out of this world!
Cheers abounded, the loudest from Felldoh.
Cornflower and Matthias came out onto the stage, smiling and waving. Matthias carried a sharp but somewhat rusty knife, and Cornflower had a pot full of green liquid.
Matthias smiled at the audience. "Hello, Mossflower! This is the final step in the court process. My lovely wife-" Cornflower blushed- "holds a kettle of Anti-Sue potion, which is brewed from rust, dirt, mud, and various herbs. I hold a dagger that is the opposite of a Sue weapon." He dipped the knife in the potion. "Now, we can destroy them and repair the plot damage they do."
Gemstone suddenly bit through her bindings, and ran into the audience. A team of otters rushed to her, throwing nets at her. She came down heavily, though her dress remained spotless. The otters hauled her up and tried to hold her still.
Gemstone seemed to shrink as Matthias came up to her. "Cruel world!" She shrieked. "I come to you, all my deceased friends and family." Tearing up, she looked at Felldoh. "I will always love you," she said tenderly. "I'll wait for you-"
Then the knife pierced her tail, and she disappeared in a poof of sparkly dust, butterflies, and pink goo.
Matthias wiped the knife, and then held it above his head. The crowd cheered.
The first episode was a success.
Later, in the staff room behind the set-"Hey, Martin, we still on for poker tonight?" Matthias asked as he put away the knife.
"Yes, we are, Am That Is," the other warrior mouse replied.
"Do you have to call me that?"
"Yes. What's the point in being a legend if you can't give others nicknames?"
Even later that night-Lord Brocktree was hurrying towards Salamandastron. He had caught a ride with some Guosim shrews (even though he had nearly capsized their boats), and he was now at the edges of the beach. He couldn't wait to get back to his forge- Russano had promised to show him a new technique for spear-making.
Suddenly, a heavy paw fell upon his shoulder. "Hey beautiful, I have a nice mountain near here. Would you like to come and stay awhile?"
Brocktree blinked. The voice was very familiar, even though he had never heard it quite like this…
He turned around. "Boar?" he asked disbelievingly.
He watched his son's eyes widen. "Err, Dad! Sorry, I thought you were a female badger…"
"Do I look like a girl?" demanded Brocktree. He was never very vain, but he had thought he looked like a proper male Badger Lord.
"No, but, uh, you're…." Boar stuttered.
It was then Lord Brocktree looked down and groaned.
He was still wearing that blasted dress.