This crazy World
A/N: Jess and Rory talk some things out. This is another one of the companion pieces to This Crazy World. This one takes place right after chapter 18 of that story.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. That's pretty obvious, since if I did, Jess would still be in it and no one would have been abducted by aliens and changed personality.
Interlude 4. Still There
Jess walked down the stairs slowly, mind reeling from the conversation with Luke. Did his uncle really believed that Rory…?
No, that was crazy. She'd made it perfectly clear where she stood just a few months ago, and he wasn't gonna…
But.
She was here.
She was here, on her last night before going back to Yale. She was here, helping him paint.
But why?
Because she had overheard a conversation about the fire, and she was…what?
Worried? No, that made no sense. She had heard Luke saying he was fine.
Scared? Of what? Him getting paint in his hair? Ok, that was just ridiculous.
He couldn't figure it out. Nothing made any sense at all and it was driving him crazy.
Because she…
No, that kind of thinking only made things even worse when it turned out to be wrong.
He rounded the corner on the stairs and stopped abruptly. There she was, hair up in a messy bun, a paint streak on her right cheek, and a concentrated frown as she slowly dragged the roller down the wall.
She hadn't noticed him, so he stayed there, unable to resist the opportunity to just watch her. For the first time he took notice of her bare feet peeking out from under the hem of her - his really - jeans. Her toe nails were painted blue, probably a perfect match to her eyes, and for some reason that little detail calmed him down, made him smile.
He could do this. He could walk down into the room and act normal. He had done it plenty of times in the past. He could do it one more time now.
He took a deep breath and made sure she heard his next step over the music.
Here goes…
Rory was trying to concentrate on her task, watching the paint slowly cover the wall, listening to the lyrics of the CD still playing on the stereo. She had let her mind wander for a while and she really didn't want to picture all the different ways Jess' phone call could go. It was a recipe for disaster.
She felt awful about all of it. For assuming what the call was about, for being selfish and presuming he still felt the same way about her that he did last time. For wanting him to still want her.
She had no right to even be thinking that he did. Absolutely no right at all, and she really couldn't blame him if he didn't. She still couldn't believe she had told him, Jess of all people, that she was in love with someone else. When she thought back to that night, she grew cold all over.
She kept imagining a different version of that conversation happening now, only the other way around, and it was enough to make that dreadful lump form in her throat once more. So much for not thinking about it.
And, of course, that's when she heard footsteps behind her, and her arm froze on its way back to the wall, the roller dripping paint at her feet.
"Looking good," Jess said behind her, taking in the almost finished wall, hoping that a fairly neutral topic would help the situation.
Rory slowly turned around, an irrational part of her taking it as a compliment for herself, and didn't dare look up at him. That fact did not go unnoticed, but Jess really didn't want to start analyzing potential reasons.
She intended to give some generic reply about painting not being so difficult after all. She really did. But those were not the words that came over her lips.
"So, everything good with the girlfriend?" Hearing what she said, she gasped, eyes wide, clamping her free hand over her mouth. Her first instinct then was to just run, as fast and as far as possible, but she couldn't seem to move a muscle.
On the other side of the room Jess just stared at her for a few seconds, completely dumbfounded, and then he burst out laughing uncontrollably. The notion of a girlfriend sounded so utterly ridiculous to his ears, a fact that made him feel both lonely and pathetic.
At the unexpected sound, Rory's eyes snapped up and she watched him, baffled. She had never seen him laugh like that. Ever. And it almost frightened her, because she could sense so much desperation behind it.
She had no idea what to do, and it made her feel helpless. She knew what she wanted to do though. The problem was that she didn't know if he would accept it. But, she at least had to try.
So, she put the roller down in its tray, and slowly made her way over to the staircase and sat down next to where he had slumped down on the bottom step.
She just sat there, feeling torn. Beside her, Jess was gasping for breath, and she took a chance, placing her hand firmly on his back. The contact felt good, and after a little while she could taste her own tears. It was a great relief to let them out.
"Sorry," he managed to choke out after a while. "I have no idea what came over me."
"It's ok," she sniffled, blinking back stray tears. "I shouldn't have said that. It's not any of my business and I… I shouldn't have said that."
He finally managed to take a deep breath, and calm himself down. It was a strange feeling, sitting here with Rory right now. He felt exposed, in a way he had only really experienced one time before. Or maybe two. And he thought it would make him feel ashamed, or embarrassed, but it didn't. He had no idea how he could ever explain his reaction to her. It would mean delving into things he had tried to bury a long time ago, things he didn't know if he was ready to tell her.
"It was Luke," he finally said. "The phone call. It was Luke."
"Oh," she breathed, suddenly feeling even more like an idiot, her cheeks coloring appropriately red, and she instinctively crossed her arms over her chest, only to let them fall down in her lap a moment later. "Of course."
"Your mother was worried when she couldn't reach you, and he apparently just…followed a hunch. And called me."
She swallowed, trying to digest those words, and what they meant. "Luke called you, looking for me?"
"Yeah," he confirmed, shaking his head. "I don't know why he'd call me though."
She could feel that now familiar lump in her throat again, and swallowed painfully to try to keep it down. "Jess…"
"There is no girlfriend, Rory," he burst out unexpectedly, surprising both himself and Rory, interrupting whatever it was she was about to say. "I… There hasn't been one in a really long time."
She swallowed painfully. "Oh."
"Well, there hasn't been one since…you, actually."
"What are you saying?" she asked, almost holding her breath.
"I don't know," he confessed, feeling a sudden urge to talk about it, to get all of it out in the open. He knew now probably wasn't the right time, and Rory probably wasn't the right person to tell all of it to, but he just couldn't stop himself. "I just… When you asked about a girlfriend earlier, I realized that the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I just… I dug my own grave, and now I've spent the past three years in it, and I have absolutely no idea how to find my way up again." He paused, trying to collect his wandering thoughts. He knew he didn't make much sense, but he didn't know how else to explain it. "But hey, the lonely tormented writer type has always been a solid sell, right? Maybe if I start writing emo fantasy I'll become rich and famous one day."
There was a new lump in Rory's throat by the time he finished, because she could hear the resignation in his words. He might as well have told her he loved her, again. Except now it was different, because he clearly had no expectation of her returning those feelings and he had obviously tried, and failed, to move on at one point or other. And it all but broke her heart all over again to hear him so casually dismiss the very idea of his feelings being reciprocated.
"Have you even read anything that could be described as emo fantasy?" she finally asked, once more wanting to just fall down a really deep hole when she heard her words.
"I have, unfortunately," he confirmed after a beat, and she did not miss the small catch in his voice. "And I'd rather shoot myself than have my name on anything of the kind."
"Jess…" she tried again, wanting to somehow make everything better, but unable to voice the thoughts screaming in her head.
"It's fine, Rory," he interrupted her, not wanting to hear any excuse she could give. "I know you don't…"
"You don't!" she all but yelled, shocking them both. "You don't," she repeated at a more normal volume.
"Rory?" he said quietly after a minute, when she didn't continue.
"It's crazy, right?" she said straight out into the air, not really making it a question.
"What is?" he asked, still trying to figure out what the hell was going on. The night hadn't turned out at all as he thought it would, and he had no idea what to make of any of it. Between his non-confession and Rory's claim that he didn't know…something, he was starting to feel like this was all a strange dream.
"I'm sorry, you know," she said, glancing at him from the corner of her eye, not quite brave enough to look straight at him.
"What for?" he asked, almost holding his breath as he waited for an answer.
"For being clueless," she mumbled, fiddling with the sleeves of her shirt. His shirt, she reminded herself, that thought alone making her cheeks flush. "And for…everything I did last time I was here."
She could feel him watching her and swallowed, taking a deep breath for courage before looking up at him. She almost turned away again the second their eyes met, but forced herself to be steady. There was a clear question in his gaze, and she felt her heartbeat speed up. She couldn't say how long they stared at each other, the only thing she knew was that it felt amazing, and terrifying, both at the same time.
"What is it I don't know?" he eventually asked, voice low.
"How I feel…" she breathed, realizing she was once more getting lost in his eyes, just like she used to, so long ago now.
Jess watched her, seeing the slight tinge of pink on her cheeks, and the way her hands just couldn't keep still. But mostly, he saw the look in her eyes, and it made an irrational burst of hope flare up in his chest. He tried to quell it, to look away, but it was as if his eyes were glued to hers, and he was powerless to stop it.
"I've spent three years trying to get over you," she confessed, feeling a sad smile crawl its way onto her lips when she both heard and saw his sharp intake of breath.
"What are you saying?" he asked, for the second time that night completely dumbfounded. He couldn't quite believe she was saying what he thought she said, what he thought it all meant. It was something he had heard her say too many times, only to wake up to his own reality, disoriented and with that feeling he always got at those times, that something was missing in his life.
She shrugged, feeling her smile widen. It was a relief to, finally, realize the truth, and actually speak it out loud. "It didn't work."
"Oh," he swallowed, suddenly unable to form any kind of words, not sure what to think. Here it was, what he had secretly been hoping, waiting for, and finally made himself let go of. Now that the moment was here, he was at a complete loss for how to react.
"Jess…?" she said quietly, feeling her smile slip, not sure how to take his silence. She had been so sure after his rant, but now she was starting to doubt her own perception of what he had said. Didn't he mean… Didn't he feel…?
"Sorry," he said quietly, watching her warily, and then took a deep breath. "You just…took me completely by surprise."
Rory frowned at that, seeing the cautious way he was looking at her, and that's when she understood just how big of a surprise her confession was to him. And then her next thought hit her like a ton of bricks. "You don't believe me?"
"That's not…" he began, but shook his head. "I do. I just…I have a hard time processing."
"Oh."
"I have a good life here, friends, a job I actually like, I'm writing again, and no, it's not emo fantasy, and I just… I never really let myself think of what was missing." He paused, trying to collect his thoughts. It felt like some sort of mental block had been lifted, and when he opened his mouth again the words just poured out. "After I saw you in Hartford, I tried to let go. I thought I had. And then you came here, all alone, and I knew. I knew why I never went on dates, why I wasn't even looking. And then you told me you loved…him. And I knew I had to figure out what it all meant. Was it just nostalgia? Some remnant of what could've been? Or was it more? I honestly didn't know, and I had no idea how to figure it out. And then I saw you at the bridge, and I just knew. You were miserable, and I looked at you, and I knew. I knew I still loved you, and I was pretty much convinced it was pointless, so I resigned myself to that. I wasn't exactly happy, but I wasn't unhappy either. It was just another part of me."
Rory listened, silent tears running down her cheeks. "And now?" she managed, the question coming out breathless.
"And now I'm terrified to hear whatever you could have to say to that whole speech."
"I was afraid to let you in again."
"What?" Jess questioned, not quite prepared for that. "When?"
"When you came back. At the Firelight Festival. And at Yale."
"Right," he said with a rueful shake of his head. "I can't really blame you for that. I was an idiot back then."
"Sometimes," she agreed, glancing up at him with a small smile.
He just arched an eyebrow, and they smiled at each other, feeling oddly comfortable despite the conversation they were having.
Then Rory looked down on her hands in her lap. "For a long time after you left, I had this recurring dream where I actually went into the diner that day, at Fran's funeral. And we talked, and everything was ok. And then I woke up, and I remembered you were gone. And it broke my heart all over again."
Jess nodded, remembering as well, and then sighed regretfully. "I went after you that day. Twice actually. But I didn't know what to tell you. I didn't think anything I could say would help."
"Yeah. I get that now," Rory nodded. "But when I saw you again, I didn't know how to handle it. And you kept running away."
"I heard you," he said quietly, and then clarified. "In the car."
"Oh." Rory swallowed, hit by a sudden realization. "That's why you ran away from me."
"Yeah. I didn't think you'd want to see me."
"I did."
"But you were afraid."
"Yeah," she nodded.
"I know that feeling."
"That's why you drove off after…"
"Terrified," Jess confirmed. "And then I managed to convince myself it was up to you to fix it." He leaned against the wall beside him, sighing heavily.
"What…?" she asked.
"I was such an arrogant asshole that whole year."
"I think we were both too young and ignorant," Rory pondered out loud.
Jess regarded her for a moment and then slowly nodded. "Maybe."
"I know I was."
He watched her more closely then. "Huh?"
"I wasn't ready for us back then. It was all too intense, and I was too naive."
"Too intense?" he questioned, not entirely following.
"My feelings," she admitted. "And you."
He frowned at that. "Me?"
"I didn't know how to handle any of it, and I ended up wasting a whole year, holding on to Dean like some kind of safety blanket. And then I was still lost, even though I pretended not to be, and I listened too much to other people and…"
"And I sure as hell wasn't helping any," Jess cut in.
"Well, no," she said, but couldn't help smiling. "I guess neither of us handled it very well."
"And it all kinda self-combusted."
"Pretty much."
They sat in silence after that, both on their end digesting everything they'd said and heard, both somehow feeling lighter.
"It may be just me, but I think I needed this talk," Jess finally said, turning fully towards Rory for the first time since he came back down the stairs, leaning his back against the wall, one leg bent up against the step, and the other out over the floor.
"Me too," Rory agreed, mirroring his position against the railing, fidgeting with the sleeves of the shirt, suddenly incredibly nervous. "So, what now?"
"I guess that depends," Jess said quietly, watching her intently. He knew what he wanted, but he didn't want to make the first move again.
On her end Rory sensed his apprehension, and though it made her a bit sad, she couldn't really blame him. But this time she knew how she felt, and she wasn't gonna let this chance slip through her fingers. So she moved closer.
"I wasn't ready before," she said with a sad smile, looking him straight in the eye. "Neither of us were, and we ended up hurting each other."
Jess didn't say anything because he could feel she had something she needed to get out. He just nodded in agreement.
Rory moved even closer, getting up on her knees, now almost sitting between his legs. "I am ready now," she said, eyes locked on his, and slowly reached out a hand to touch his cheek.
She felt his skin beneath her hand, the light stubble scratching her palm, and the immediate electric response went straight up her arm and through her whole body. Her eyes widened, and she could feel him breathe in sharply.
And then she couldn't resist anymore. She leaned forward almost violently and crashed her lips to his, her hand going behind his neck and pulling him even closer. And then she was in his lap and his hands were on her back, and they were kissing like there was no tomorrow, years of longing and heartache all mingling together into a desperate need that both were powerless to resist.
From there it only intensified until something connected in Jess' mind and he pulled back, holding her face in his hands to steady them both.
"Rory, stop, slow down…" he managed, then swallowed. "What're we doing? I mean… Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure of anything," Rory assured him, and then impatiently started to pull on his shirt again, only to stop abruptly once more. "Don't you…" she breathed out, her eyes betraying her sudden uncertainty.
Jess didn't answer, just dove in again, claiming her mouth and then his hands slipped inside her shirt, traveling up her body. In response, Rory arched her back, trying to get closer to him, and pushed his shirt up.
"Wait," Jess breathed out in between kisses, and Rory groaned in frustration, having finally gotten the shirt over his head.
"Maybe we should relocate," Jess suggested breathlessly, pulling back enough to get the words out, slipping his hands out from under her shirt to allow her to pull his completely off.
"Oh," Rory mumbled, considering. She pulled back enough to get a good look at him, her eyes travelling down his body as she did, hands trailing behind. "Right."
"Come on then," Jess said, taking a good hold on her, and standing them both up.
"Oh, nice moves," Rory giggled, hiding her head in the crook of his neck, suddenly feeling shy.
"I try," Jess breathed against her ear, sensing the change in her mood, and then kissed the spot on her neck he remembered used to drive her crazy. It still did.