A short one from Early Series 13 Harry's POV inspired by rewatching Intent Voids and Run therefore references to them. Also inspired by Twitter convo's with the lovely pinkswallowsun about the teams reactions to events in these episodes
I lost my temper again today. Its happened all too often recently.
I lost it with Rebecca then slept with her to deal with the emotional overload. Biggest mistake of my life. Even bigger than what happened with Penny. I fell for a murdering criminal tramp because she flirted with me and because I was lonely and hurting. I let her into my home my bed and worse still into my heart. That case is going to haunt us all for a long time for a variety of reasons and it hurts so badly because I keep questioning myself.
If I hadn't been so involved with Rebecca would we have been further back from the case and would events have turned out differently. I know that they wouldn't have really although it was because of Rebecca it was more about Levin in some ways and the trauma we faced as a team was because of him.
Leo, the closest thing I've known to a father since age eleven and probably the closest thing Nikki ever has known to one despite the continued existence of her own, came so agonisingly close to leaving us. It broke us all as he is slowly recovering it becomes easier but I will still have those memories of the tear stained goodbye I gave him when I began to believe we would have to let him go. The thought of losing another father nearly broke me but I had to remain strong for Nikki and for Janet. Holding Nikki as she said her goodbyes being with her as she faced that pain should have made me realise something but it didn't so much was nearly destroyed then but just a few weeks later I lost my temper for the second time …. and then tonight a third why do I do this to myself and to others.
I yelled at the most precious person in my life I shoved her against the wall and screamed at her because I felt she was doing wrong. I felt betrayed I'm so used to her being on my side, in my corner and yet I lost it with her. I could blame the stress of a such a high pressure high profile case without Leo around. The lack of sleep the paper work, the expectation but it was all because I blamed myself. She shouldn't have been there or been involved in the first place I should have made her go home... or insisted I give her a lift back after she wouldn't have had to face all that stress and pain... I still couldn't deal with the emotional overload but it was Nikki I could never, would never use her the same way I used Rebecca so I poured myself into the case and escaped in anyway I could. I ran.
Today I lost it at mum she had had an affair, was that what tipped dad over the edge... I was so mad even with the depression and the black moods he had been amazing. I felt betrayed on dad's behalf as well as my own. I went to Mary on mum's behalf trying to plead her case make it seem like on her part at least it was the pain of loss that led to the affair.
Mum yelled back... I was just like dad he used to hurt her, I have a temper I've always known that and on more than one occasion it has scared me but I have never been so scared by my temper as tonight. The thought of physically hurting someone I care for of turning into the memories of shouted words that I have of my father in amongst all the good petrifies me. I want to run like I always do when a situation is to much emotionally but I can't run from myself.