Although he would never admit it to anyone outside of his family, Finn was never all that confident in his teenage years.
He tried to blame it on the typical things – hormones, peer pressure, whatever other cliché you could think of. However despite giving it a great deal of thought over his high-school days, he was never really able to pinpoint his insecurities to one main cause.
Sometimes he would decide he didn't feel that he looked the way that he should, that he wasn't as muscular as he should be, even berated himself that he wasn't interested in cigarettes and alcohol; all three of which, particularly the latter, being a pretty large part of the criteria in being considered 'cool'. Not that he really minded being considered 'uncool'. All that premature smoking and alcohol consumption would really assist with him later in life with would be being admitted to rehab or getting lung cancer.
Having a twin brother didn't really help either. He loved Jack more than anything, don't misunderstand, but one fact that people often would forget is that twins do not like being compared to each other – something that happened almost every single day at least twice. To him, it seemed like all of his peers assumed he and his brother were some sort of a competition; it was always important to know who had a date first or who had the best grades on their report card. They constantly seemed to forget that although they looked similar, they were still only brothers, and were both very different.
In retrospect, he supposed that these comparisons probably didn't help his lack of confidence. Every day he felt pressured to either be exactly like, or slightly better than his own sibling – a very unhealthy habit. Finn didn't really care, to be honest, which one of them did something first. He had long accepted that there were areas that he would never exceed Jack, and vice-versa.
For example, Jack was much better in the dramatic arts and P&E, while Finn had always found Visual Art and Social Sciences quite simple. Therefore, it was quite natural and really very expected that he made his way into graphic design once they had left the angst-filled hole some liked to call high-school.
He assumed that things would be better once they had left aforementioned angst-filled hole, however it seemed that the same silly questions and assumptions followed him through to his gap-year. Such displays of near immaturity from grown people also didn't help his insecurities – at one point he felt that it was a kind of unwritten rule that he would have to live his entire life being merely Jack's twin, not his own person. Which, of course, was completely ridiculous, in retrospect.
Eventually, Finn found it rather hard to look into a mirror and find much about himself that he liked; mainly because, despite growing up with him and being effectively forced to pick out every freckle of a difference between them, when he saw his reflection, it wasn't his – it was his brother's.
Once, in an uncharacteristic display of weakness (at least in his mind), he tried to confront him about his dilemma.
"Jack, do you ever feel kinda like…. You're not good enough?" he had muttered as quickly as possible to the boy, not meeting his eyes as he cooked their dinner. He had spent a great deal of time considering all the different responses that he might get from Jack, most of which prevented him from asking the question earlier. At his question, his sibling tensed slightly – barely visibly, but enough for Finn to know that he'd hit a topic that had been present in Jack's mind recently. After a loud exhale which sounded suspiciously like a sigh.
"Sometimes. I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm, like, sad or depressed or anything, I just get moments when I can't see anything good about myself," was the answer that he got from the voice that sounded too much like his own for comfort. These words, however, did bring a few moments of reflection for Finn – perhaps he should acknowledge his insecurities to his brother. He came very close to doing so actually, but Jack's curiosities made him change his mind. "Why do you ask? Is something wrong?"
He quickly proclaimed he was fine, just having a bad day. He knew that Jack wouldn't believe this – he hadn't left their house that day, and had spent most of it in his room, working. It did make him drop the subject, though, and that was really all he could ask for at that point.
It was at this point he decided that the best way to beat his self-consciousness was to figure out why he was self-conscious in the first place. He spent almost a full week mulling it over; doing research into the male mind, looking up reasons why young people felt insecure. To be frank, all that it really helped him decide upon was that, despite convincing himself a long time previous that it was the main cause of his angst, he really, honestly didn't care what others thought of him and his brother. He'd told himself growing up that there would always be people comparing the two of them, and he'd accepted it pretty quickly, and moved on with life. Therefore, peer pressure was ruled out.
Finally, Finn confided completely in his brother.
"Can I talk to you about something?" he asked Jack tentatively. They were sitting in their living room, Finn with a sketch pad sitting on his crossed legs and a pencil clasped firmly in his hands, Jack beside him reading a book. They both had coffee mugs on the small table in front of them – Jack's long drained and Finn's long forgotten. He reprimanded himself; this was his brother he was talking to, not a stranger. He didn't need to be so worried.
"Hmm?" Jack replied, not raising his head from the pages he was clearly immersed in.
"Well… it's just…." This was not a good sign – he was struggling for words already. "Is it normal to feel really insecure about yourself?" he finally managed to get out. It was a start. Not a great one, but still a start.
Curious about the suddenly philosophical turn their previously non-existent conversation was taking, Jack finally lifted his attention to his sibling and shut his book, his thumb holding his spot in the novel. He mentally made a small smile; he'd known something was wrong with his brother for a while, but was waiting for him to bring it up to avoid any awkward encounters that the other party was not ready for. "Of course. Everyone feels insecure at some point," he calmly responded, "And for some people, that point can last a few months, for others, years."
This answer wasn't really what Finn was hoping for. Of course, any kind of sort-of advice was better than nothing, and therefore appreciated. Feeling brave, he decided to push a little further. "So, it's normal?"
"Completely. Look, I'm not sure what's going on with you - but I can guess, from this discussion, that you've been feeling… not very confident, lately. Finn, seriously, it happens to everyone. It happened to me, too."
"Really? When?" Finn felt a more than a little guilty that he hadn't noticed that his little brother had gone through a similar stage.
"Well… it's pretty hard to put it into a certain timeframe, but… I'd say the worst of it was during the last three years of high school," Jack decided, giving a slight nod. This made Finn feel even worse. It had happened so recently? He did, however, realise that this meant he'd probably had very similar insecurities as himself.
"What kind of things did you, you know, feel?" It wasn't his most articulate day, apparently.
"All kinds of different things. Some days, I would hate the fact that we were compared so much. Others, I would just hate myself," he explained coarsely, "And some days… well, to be honest some days I would just hate everything. Nothing would really seem worthwhile."
This stopped Finn. Though he hadn't quite gotten to that point, he could tell that eventually he would. He was also shocked to discover that their situations (or at least, Jack's ostensibly previous situation) were so identical. He figured that was one of the traps of insecurity – to feel as though you were the only one feeling anything negative, as though you were alone in, effectively, what would be an emotional paradox. He didn't realise that Jack had continued talking until he heard his nickname that he'd always hated, but secretly loved, "Finny, if what you're going through is similar to this, then you need to know that you aren't alone. It might feel like it – and trust me, on the bad days, you feel like you might as well be on a bloody deserted island – but I found, or at least what helped me, was knowing that there are tons of people in your life that love you because you are you. The better looking one of us," Jack joked, laughing and pulling Finn's head down for a noogie.
Finn couldn't help but laugh out loud. He'd been right to come to his brother with his worries; he'd always been great with giving out advice. He also decided he'd been a right git for not realising his sibling had gone through a rough patch. For that reason, and that reason alone, he allowed Jack to rub his knuckles roughly over his scalp, and accepted the pain with little complaint.
"Thanks, little brother," he said as he smiled happily. He felt like there was a large weight he hadn't even known was pressing on his chest was gone, and didn't care that the humorously derogative name earned him another noogie.
"Two blooming minutes. Now don't you dare tell anyone that I got all sentimental and deep with you, okay, Taiyewo?" Jack playfully growled, allowing his brother to sit up before punching him in the shoulder with his noogie-hand – the one that wasn't holding his book. He'd also provided a scapegoat so they could start a new topic of conversation before Finn started feeling uncomfortable, as often happened after they'd had a deep-and-meaningful conversation.
After a decent amount of questioning about the odd name and a tiny, brotherly hug that neither of them would ever admit happened; Finn moved to his bedroom, sketch pad and pencil in hand. Although he knew his insecurities weren't going to vanish overnight, he now knew what to look for, and who to go to, if he needed help about them. This reminded him about the whole master-slave thing he'd just been informed of. Gratefulness fading away to mischievousness, he turned on his own computer and began to watch the videos Jack had been posting on Youtube. He hadn't seen them at that point, but if his brother ever asked, he'd announce he'd been meaning to.
Eventually, he decided he knew exactly how Jack addressed his audience on the website, and for the first time in a very long while, was glad that he and Jack looked and sounded so similar.
Later, as he tried to fall asleep, Finn decided that for the most part, he did like himself. He was happy he'd never turned to illegality in school, and he had wonderful friends that he knew would never hurt him. He liked the fact he had a twin brother, and loved the fact that they were so different. Plus, he fancied himself pretty good at coming up with evil plans to get back at his family.
The next night, when Jack had gone out to get them pizza for dinner, Finn dashed into his brother's room and turned on his camera. All insecurities temporarily either forgotten or overshadowed by his excitement at teasing his twin, he hit record and began to speak.
"Hello there, hello. Jack here. I wanted to start off by apologising…"
He was going to be in so much trouble when Jack got home.
Hi everyone! This is a birthday present for a friend of mine; Happy 16th,you know who you are! :D Considering it's a special occasion, I wanted to cover a topic which is sometimes overlooked by teenage stereotypes, but still very real for us teenagers, while still making the story sweet. After all, sweetness and Finn being included were the only criteria I was given to work with! Plus, I imagine that insecurity is something that Jack and/or Finn had to deal with at some stage in their life, but it's not written about very often. If you see any mistakes, do point them out, please.
I hope you enjoyed the story!