Vereinigung
Or, How Prussia gained his little brother
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When Prussia heard about what the socialists were aiming for, he had a long, hard laugh. He held the same disdain that his Chancellor had for the new movement, but for entirely different reasons. Old Otto was a fan of the Monarchy, and shooting people's windows, and drinking a lot more than a socialist salary would allow. Socialists would be doing their best to put a stop to those sorts of political shenanigans.
Prussia disliked the Revolutionaries simply because they were so intolerably ignorant. Prussia knew the German states like no other. He had, after all, grown up with them. Bavaria was an alcoholic hag with weird clothes, Hannover was a slightly less wimpy version of Austria and the Confederation of the Rhine (or Rheinchen(1), as Prussia liked to call him), though he had some banging bread, always looked and smelled as though he had just walked out of a coal mine. The others were all too uptight and controlling and way too jealous of his awesomeness to get along with each other.
So yeah, Prussia totally cracked up when he heard the socialists, liberalists and those delusional nationalists talking about unifying through diplomacy. He laughed again for good measure.
So Prussia was understandably shocked when Bismarck confided in his Nation his plans for the German states.
"Otto, man, it's not going to work. This is a totally unawesome plan!" Prussia waved his arms emphatically to make his point. Bismarck idly dodged a flailing limb and took a sip of his champagne.
"It won't work with diplomacy, Gilbert. That would be why I don't plan to use diplomacy," Bismarck explained. They both took a moment to grin mischievously at each other, until a small manuscript hit Prussia's face and flopped to the floor. Prussia bent down to pick up the manuscript and scanned through it. Despite Austria's insistence that Prussia was an illiterate troglodyte, Prussia was actually quite well read, more so than Austria(2). He just preferred bashing Austria up, rather than reading about himself doing it.
"I'm presenting this speech to the Landtag tomorrow. Willy's going crazy, and almost abdicated. I need to ask those damn socialists for money. If we are going to unify Germany, it's going to be by force." They paused for a hi-five(3) before they dove into the left over alcohol, laughing raucously.
(1) chen is the diminutive form in German. It's added to words to make them small and cute. e.g. Bruederchen – cute/tiny/little brother.
(2) During the time of the Industrial Revolution, Prussia and Scotland had the highest literacy rates in the world, or at least Europe.
(3) I have no idea if they had hi-fives at that time. My guess is no. But If there was one to do it, it would definitely be the wonder that is Bismarck
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The next year, Prussia went to war with Denmark. It was hard, fighting with someone as prissy as Austria against someone as awesome as Denmark, but it had to be done.
"We need to take these areas, Gilbert." Bismarck had said. "And we need Austria for it. Don't worry mein Freund, you won't regret it." Bismarck's expression, which promised a dastardly scheme, convinced Prussia to march into the combined Duchies of Schleswig-Holstein.
"C'mon, man!" Denmark cried as Prussia thrust his sword against the Dane. "This is so not awesome! And why is the pris backing you up!" Austria, who was in the background wiping blood off of his blade, shot him a withering look. Prussia, who was also wondering the same thing himself, simply knocked away Denmark's sword and pushed him to the ground. Prussia's shark-like grin, and the sharp tip of the sword pressed into his neck, made Denmark flinch.
"Yeah, whatever. Take them both. I'll get them back eventually," Denmark promised(1). Prussia laughed derisively and sauntered off, tossing a 'yeah right' over his shoulder for good measure. Austria nodded at Denmark, and they shared in a 'Man, what a douche' moment, before Austria rushed after Prussia shouting,
"I have dibs on Holstein!"
(1) He was a bit right. Nothern Schleswig was returned to Denmark after the first world war.
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"Prussia! Get out of Holstein's room or I will declare war!" Austria shouted, banging on the large white door where a certain rival country of his was holding his territory hostage. He heard a quiet 'kesesese' through the thick wood, and a rough voice yelled teasingly,
"Not a chance sissy! You're gonna have to make me!" Austria growled in frustration and stormed away to release his feelings on a piano.
Inside the room, Prussia was cackling and generally making a nuisance of himself to Holstein, who was sitting in a corner and watching the crazy nation dispassionately.
"Is this really necessary, Mr. Prussia? You could have just declared war on Austria and not invaded my room(1)." Prussia smirked devilishly and replied,
"Now, where is the fun in that?"
Not two minutes later, Austria came stomping down the hall and shouted through the locked door,
"This is officially war! I will see you on the battlefield you insufferable buffoon!"
Seven weeks later, Austria lost and Holstein was the newest member of the North German Confederation.
(1) To get Austria to declare war, Prussia forcefully occupied Holstein, which belonged to Austria.
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"And so ever since poor Isabella is gone, we need a monarch. Would you lend me one of yours, please~" Spain pleaded, hanging onto Prussia's arm like a vice. Across the room, France was shooting them suspicious looks. Prussia sent a wary look France's way and muttered,
"I dunno..." He drifted off as Spain turned the bambi eyes on him full force.
"But Leo is soo cute...(1)" Though awesome, not even Prussia could withstand Spain's look of dewy hope. He sighed and relented. Spain squealed, grabbed Prussia in a hug and skipped off to go dote on Romano. Prussia followed not long after, purposely ignoring France's patented stares of deep betrayal and homicidal intent. France's eyes were very communicative.
It was not long after that the infamous trio were once again in each other's company. Upon sighting Prussia, Spain leaped.
"Thank you for the Prince, Prussia!" He nuzzled into Prussia's shoulder. Prussia looked smug. France was not happy.
"Non! You can't have a German on the throne Spain! I won't allow it!" With that protest on his lips, he spun around and went to bother Leopold.
Not one month later, Leopold declined the Spanish throne.
(1) Prince Leopold of Germany was offered the Spanish throne. It may have been because he was related some how, but this is probably the real reason :P
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"Frankreich!" Prussia bellowed as he barged through France's expensive and utterly stylish doors. "What's the big deal?" Spain looked up innocently, while France glowered at the intruder.
"Do you mind?" France asked, indignation spilling out of every word. "This has nothing to do with you!" He waved Prussia away dismissively. Just to be contrary, Prussia sat in the spare chair. He leaned forward, a manic glint in his eye.
"We're not agreeing to this, are we Spain?" Spain, who was looking as though he would much rather be doing something better with his time, like getting gored by a bull, shrugged. Prussia rolled his eyes. Spain was never any help in these situations.
"Whatever. If Spain wants a Hohenzollern, he can damn well have one!(1)" With all the panache and style that he was renowned for, Prussia leaped up, kicked a vase of innocent flowers and broke a door on his way out. France ran to the door and, with all the dramatic flair he was infamous for, shook a fist at Prussia's retreating back, shouting,
"This could mean war! Hope you're ready!"
Purposely, but not really, elbowing an expensive statue, Prussia muttered,
"You bet I am. Kesesese~"
(1) Once France got rid of Leopold, he demanded that a Prussian royal would never take the throne. Obviously, Prussia wasn't too happy about that.
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It was late, and both Prussia and Bismarck were on the giggly end of tipsy. Bismarck tipped he edge of his glass at his country in a knowing manner.
"You'll never believe what I did today." He said cryptically. Prussia's grin grew positively wicked and he leaned forward, swirling his schnapps.
"Do tell."
As Bismarck outlined his clever use of editing (1) and his plans for it, Prussia leaned back and laughed, as though he'd just shut Austria's finger in a piano.
"France is going to be so pissed! Kesesesesese!" Prussia cackled, much like an old woman. "How long until he snaps?"
Bismarck made a show of pondering his answer.
"Less than a week."
A week later, France declared war on Prussia.
(1) The Ems Dispatch – Bismarck was sent a transcript of a conversation between a French diplomat and Kaiser Wilhelm I to release to the public. He cut out some bits and made it seem as though the two were insulting each other. When he released it, the French were not happy.
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Less than a year, another republic and a half a siege later, Prussia wandered onto the battlefield, a small blond boy clutching his hand. Behind them trailed a series of disgruntled-looking former states. Upon reaching the command tent, Prussia lifted up the little boy and sat him on a table.
"So, Lüdchen. You wanna do something fun?" Prussia asked him. The boy looked at him seriously and nodded. Prussia fought the urge to squeeze him and love him and put him in his pocket. Prussia leaped up with a whoop and grabbed a gun.
"Bavaria!" he bellowed, pulling the boy onto his shoulders. A woman best described as robust meandered into the tent, a mutinous expression on her face that looked as though it was permanently arranged that way.(1)
"What?" Prussia put on his most charming smile, which actually made him look as though he wanted to eat you, and gestured to the child who was examining Prussia's hair with a look of intense concentration.
"Wanna come help me and Deutschland(2) beat up a frog?" Bavaria smiled mutinously and whipped a gun from somewhere.
"Why, I thought you'd never ask." The two thrust their guns into the air with a yell and began bounding towards the action. Germany held fast onto Prussia's head.
On the 28th January 1871, France lost Alsace-Lorraine, and Germany learned to invade and steal vital regions.
(1) Bavaria really didn't want to be a part of Germany. They still don't, come to think of it.
(2) Germany was unified ten days before France was defeated. Prussia was super happy that he got a little brother to corrupt.
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Later that week, Bismarck and Prussia were once again in Bismarck's office. Bismarck was watching, amused as a tired Germany curled up in his older brother's lap, who was too busy spazzing out over the adorableness to take notice of his Chancellor. Once Germany stopped squirming and found a comfortable position – head rested under Prussia's chin and a hand curled in his coat – Prussia and Bismarck shared a conspiring look.
They were going to make Germany great together, not to mention awesome.
After a few drinks of course.
Germany, completely oblivious to the male-bonding and general rowdiness, curled up tighter and slept on.